The service of a Dom (opinion piece)

[jr****]

This is my opinion. I don't expect anyone else to follow these guidelines. What ever works for you and your dynamic should be what you do.

Warning, long:
.
.
.
.
To me, being a Dom is fundamentally a service role. This sounds confusing, since it is a subs role to serve the Dom. However I feel it is the job of the Dom to provide the safe space for a sub to serve. It is the role of the Dom to provide the caring nurturing framework of growth and training that allows a sub to operate.

We all have rules and guidelines that we want a sub to follow, but what sort of an environment do those create? Am I, as a Dom, creating a space for success or am I creating rules the sub is destined to break? I personally would rather not spend all my time in conflict with my sub. I don't want to be constantly correcting them. It's not healthy and undercuts their self esteem. I would rather be able to spend time telling them how good they are and that I'm proud of them.

What should that framework consist of though? I feel rules should embrace concepts rather than be hard and fast. Rules that are to precise result in inflexibility and can either be paralytic or you end up with a massive unwieldy list. Giving rules like "brush your teeth" and "shower every day", you end up with a massive list where "be sure to follow your self care routine" would do. This doesn't provide the "well you didn't tell me to do THAT" excuse and allows the sub to have some autonomy and room to excel and make me proud. An even better rule could be "Take care of my favorite thing", the "thing" in this being the sub themselves. This provides a framework for all sorts of self care and makes even the simplistic things like eating a healthy lunch an act of devotion.

I feel that is the goal of any framework of rules for a sub. To provide a way for them to navigate the world that also constantly deepens the connection between the Dom and the sub. The idea is to provide a way to deepen that connection without *** of punishment, to make doing the right thing the easy thing. Giving the sub a hundred opportunities to make me proud and very few opportunities to fail helps them improve without chipping away at who they are. I want to lift my sub up and make them the best possible version of themselves that they can be.

That doesn't mean my rules don't challenge a sub or aren't sometimes difficult. I understand though, that difficult tasks take time and practice, that's why it's called training. Some tasks may take months of practice to get good at them. But you don't punish for practice. Yes of course corrections happen. Sometimes they may even look similar to a punishment if there is a particular point that needs to be strongly set. Punishments and corrections should have a point however. Now these aren't funishmemts where the "punishment" is the point. Real corrective action should have an identifiable point that has been explained and understood. Random beatings without reason is just *** and have no place in a real relationship. Even though things like the example above of eating well may take time, we all have bad diet days and old habits may be hard to break. That's when you can introduce simple check-ins to "break"a rule. Asking to take part in the pizza party at work can be a powerful reminder of a dynamic when there is no *** of getting yelled at.

This brings up the final and maybe most important point in this post. Communicate. I feel you have to have constant and clear communication with your sub. They need to feel like they can talk to you, they can ask for permission or discuss things at any time. And most importantly they need to feel they can talk about rules or training theyay be struggling with. If they can't talk to me they are going to stress about failing in ways that are profoundly unhealthy. So communication is key to keeping a sub happy and healthy.

To sum up:

A Dom's job is to provide a framework of rules and a safe environment for training. A place where a sub can fail safely, grow exponentially, and be loved and cared for in a way that makes them want to submit, not be ***d to. It's easy to get submission from someone who needs you or is afraid of you. It is far more rewarding to get submission from someone who doesn't need you at all but chooses to give that much of themselves. I try to be a Dom worthy of that submission.

[Wi****]

I agree.
For myself, I don't want to raise another child, I want my slave or sub which ever the case may be to grow and expand under my care and tutelage.
I want to come home and be met by my subservient who knows what I want and what I need.
On the other hand, when I walk in the door, I want her to feel my joy in seeing her. I want her to feel my love and respect for her. I want her to know by my touch how important she is to me.

It's my goal to help her be the best version of herself that she can be. Not just to please me, but for her own pleasure and knowing that she is not just an object for me. She is not just my property. She is also my mate, my partner and it's my responsibility to guide, protect,teach, help and care for her in every way possible.

[jr****]

That is exactly the type of point I was trying to make. Well put Sir, thank you for your comment.

[es****]

Good words well spoken.. I completely agree with you both.. well done MEN

[Ki****]

I wish you were my Dom

[ch****]

A happy and uplifted sub is a world of delight. To the dom and sub. Well said sir. Aspiring doms and subs take note.

[Or****]

A Goddess who actually Understands and Appreciates the Gift of willing submission!

[es****]

So many true and knowledgeable words MEN... aspiring subs take note

[Al****]

A beautiful way of explaining the difference between Dominance and domineering

[ol****]

Always wondered what the mindset of a domm is, I’m aware of myself that I’m definitely not submissive sexually, however the idea of having such control over someone 24/7 sounds like almost like desiring a dynamic of god, almost like a god complex. The mindset is control over subs action, to reward and uplift, but on your terms? Is the dom/sub dynamic just an idealisation of one’s own god/ worshipping complex? It’s very fascinating to me how such control over someone’s live doesn’t eventually break the two individuals. Does a dom truly love their sub, or should they seek love elsewhere, or is there love just a deep routed obsession? - not trying to upset anyone’s feelings, just the mindset baffles me and I would really like to understand the mindset of a dom sub dynamic 24/7.

Because, it seems it’s all about the dom controlling aspects of a subs life, and they fill fulfilment in said action of loss of autonomy to a certain extent?

Once again not here to shame or to be rude, just a person who is curious and has probably some misunderstandings

[es****]

There’s a big difference between Dominance and coercive control.. the latter is ***.... it’s a dynamic that you are either born to or not, unlikely to be taught...

[ol****]

11 minutes ago, esperance385937 said:

There’s a big difference between Dominance and coercive control.. the latter is ***.... it’s a dynamic that you are either born to or not, unlikely to be taught...

Ahh that censoring makes it hard to understand, but thank you for your insight.

However, what is the difference, can you define it for me? Sorry maybe it seems odd to ask, but I’m unaware

What are the key traits of domination, is it the idea that your helping the sub, as both coercive control and dominance involve punishment, no?

Maybe I’m wrong, and just to reiterate not trying to offend- maybe I’ve got the idea of domination all wrong.

[es****]

There’s a major difference between Dominance and coercive control.. the latter is ***.. it’s a dynamic I feel you’re born to or not.. can’t be taught.. and there is genuine love within the structure..

[ol****]

1 minute ago, esperance385937 said:

There’s a major difference between Dominance and coercive control.. the latter is ***.. it’s a dynamic I feel you’re born to or not.. can’t be taught.. and there is genuine love within the structure..

So, the difference is intent of actions?

[es****]

Basically yes... Dominance has major if not all elements of your subs well-being in play.. you guide, not control, the censorship cuts out what would be a detrimental or negative word.. you don’t want harm in any form, physical emotional to your sub.. you ‘grow’ them into being the best version of themselves.. and yes, they serve their Master, but willingly not coercively...,

[ol****]

9 minutes ago, esperance385937 said:

Basically yes... Dominance has major if not all elements of your subs well-being in play.. you guide, not control, the censorship cuts out what would be a detrimental or negative word.. you don’t want harm in any form, physical emotional to your sub.. you ‘grow’ them into being the best version of themselves.. and yes, they serve their Master, but willingly not coercively...,

So the idealisation of people who only seemly want to punish a sub for actions and disobedience isn’t true domination in your opinion. The whole role of domination is to control your sub to allow them to grow as an individual? Isn’t that well a little like playing god - believing you understand what will make your sub grow into their better version? Because Isn’t it a bit arrogant to think you know what that version is? Or does the submissive know this person, and asks you to help attain such level of authority to help create that change?

Do you as a dominant person ( only guessing as you seemly are speaking from understanding) ever experience any regret in some actions you do?

[es****]

The perception that Dominance is relative to punishment, is from my perspective, poles apart, that may be to some more sadism/ punishment dynamic.. as for playing god, well when you enlist a sub, she gives signs as to what she is unhappy/ happy with in life, generally Doms can be significantly older or more mature so a kind of intuition gets involved as to direction.. don’t forget, a sub can leave service if one, other or both find it unsuitable or unhealthy.. that’s my perspective.. otthere may have differing opinions...

[my****]

I do not view my dominance as a service role. I’ve felt like that before, like I have to put on a performance in order to fulfill her needs. That is not the way in my opinion. The art of the relationship is to find a partner who complements you. Your need to be served fits together with her need to serve. Her need to be protected and supported fits together with your need to keep and cherish her. A delicate dance but I always want her to come that last 10% to me. Ginger Rogers had to do everything Fred Astaire did only backwards and in heels. I want that extra effort.

[es****]

Well said.. thought when I said a sub may leave service, I wasn’t reflecting that I was in a service role..it was a general statement..you are quite correct in regards to roles...