Guidance and advice needed for New Dom in current relationship

[foreducatio]

We've been friends. I brought her home one night after going out. We started developing a regular vanilla relationship. Then she realized how aggressive I was sexually and she suggested watching 50 Shades. I did and got that she's into BDSM. Anyhow, she wants a lifestyle D/s relationship (never knew about it but read up). We are doing it now.

My issues have to do with how she speaks to me about her exes and past experiences in BDSM and also how she treats me that are just troubling to me. She said that she has been physically ***d in every relationship she has been in, even prior to joining the community. Her first Dom was some guy who broke her rib during a scene, gave her *** meds and alcohol, brought her to bed only to find him on top of her when she woke up.

The next guy ignored her safe words and would continue with punishments. Leave permanent marks on her, yet she speaks so highly of the first guy and how he taught her everything and the second she said "absolutely loved" her even though he'd go beyond her safe words. She says she does not regret these relationships even though she admits they were abusive.  As if this isn't already bad, her knees are not good (surgery) so I substituted bowing instead of kneeling as a sensible solution that is healthy. She ignores it and says she never heard of that.

I mean what do I need to do here? Tell her to kneel or break her ribs or ignore her safe words to be a sufficient Dom? It's kind of pissing me off. You obey the commands of someone who breaks your ribs but I am genuinely considering your health and you disobey.

Help I guess.

Edited May 27, 2020 by FETMOD-TF
Formatting/and or spelling adjustments

[Wo****]

Keep showing her a healthy D/s relationship.
I don't know how to advise you, hopefully someone else can.
I guess helping her depends on if she wants help.
Hope you get somewhere with it xx

[Deleted Member]

I agree with showing her a healthy D/s relationship, and maybe using alternative punishments if she doesn't obey. Wax, clothes pins, etc could be decent idea without being bad for her knees or ribs. And make sure to set Hard limits, limits that will absolutely not go beyond the safe word (like severe *** or permanent marks). Hope this helps.

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, foreducatio said:

 

It's obvious your a decent bloke and sadly that's half the problem for some submissives. Some like Doms to be bastards I'm afraid but the problem you have  is do you have that within? You firstly have to do what's right for you, you start doing things your not comfortable with it will play with your mind and not in a good way. You start doing things to please her then who's actually the dom? It's a tough spot.

 

I'm no expert and those with more knowledge will comment on time but for me you two need to talk and be honest. You need to explain to her that your main role is care, her welfare and why you wish her to bow rather than kneel, she needs to understand that a dom is not all about leaving marks or bruises. I've been known to make sure my friends eat healthy, things like that. It seems she may focus too much on the rougher side of kink. Help her see there can be a softer more caring side and that may make both your lives better.

[Si****]

The problem is, she only has bad doms in the past and that's her only benchmark.

So my advice and please don't take it as the only way. I offer it only to help.

Be a REAL Dom. that starts with you being a DOM. Her past is the past, They were being their type of dom (if one can call them that). You need to be "your" type of Dom. Show her that you are there for her and you will listen to her needs and give her what YOU think a Dom should be.

If she wants ***, give her *** by spanking, flogging, whipping, everything you can do without damaging her. Let her tell you what she wants, You have to ask her what type of *** she likes, with her mind open to the future with you giving her that ***. Don't let her past enter the conversation when you talk about "your relationship". She can talk about then in the past but that's another conversation at another time. Keep the two very separate.

Nature gave you two eyes and two ears, but only one mouth. use them in those ratios and you will learn what she wants. Then you give her that your way and not theirs. So Start by being clear in your own mind as to what type of Dom you are going to be, then tell her softly what that is and then don't move the goal posts. She need a firm hand with conviction and understanding. Let her know you respect her and that she comes first. Be her rock and show her that BDSM can be beautiful.

Now go be that person she deserves.

I wish you all the luck. look after her.

[Deleted Member]

Sometimes life throws circumstances our way that can colour everything we perceive as normal . Bad things become normal and normal things become strange. It’s not uncommon. I don’t know her individual circumstances but it’s clear whatever she had grown up around, had made her associate *** with love and care. Things like that are usually deeply engraved. Not something that is easy to shift. There are two types of people out there. One will walk away and send her to some therapy ( and there is no shame in admitting that the problem is bigger than you can or want to handle)and the other , will still direct her to seek therapy, but will also stay and work though it with her. It all comes down to what kind of person you are and what she means to you. Best wishes x

[Deleted Member]

People tell subs they need to leave a dom if they are not respecting the rules and boundaries. I think, the same should be applied to subs. Punish her for getting her knees. Train her to obey, as nicely and patiently as possible!

You obviously have your own conscients and personal boundaries, you also need to stay true to yourself. If you feel uncomfortable you need to let her know. You can't put yourself in a position you are not comfortable with.

Another thought to consider, could she be topping from the bottom?

[Leisa]

Sir Green and SwanNoir summed it up beautifully. Sounds like there need to be many more conversations that do not include her exes. I won’t call them Doms as they don’t sound like any I’ve ever encountered. You need to have a conversation where you may have to be brutally honest with her about what you are or are not willing to do to her in the form of punishments and pleasure. It sounds like you’re only trying to be a good Dominant and she’s going way past the limits of what even the brattiest of brats would go. If I’m reading this correctly it sounds like your concern is that she’s wanting to push limits past what you’re comfortable doing and is trying to be the dominant in the relationship. Such behavior is disrespectful and deserves a conversation or ten. I am a brat and would never consider being disrespectful towards my Dom. If she’s unable to accept that you’re the dominant or is unable to accept what your limits are a D/s relationship is doomed to failure. As tough as it may sound you may have to be prepared to walk away if she cannot allow you to be the dominant and find a submissive who will allow you to grow into the type of Dom you want to be.

[Deleted Member]

Every D/s relationship has their own way of communicating. I appreciate that you consider your sub's physical abilities and comfort to make adjustments for how she should greet you; there's no hard and fast rule that says every sub/slave/pet/little has to greet their partner on their knees (granted, most will prefer it because it's an old, traditional protocol). You, as the Dominant partner, set the rules, protocols, and tasks. Otherwise, she is topping from the bottom and hurting herself to get her way. She might be a *** slut (not said in any way to be biased, to each their own), or she might have it ingrained as a mindset (dangerous as it may be, it happens very often) and will need your patience and guidance to shake that off.

Ultimately Sir, you go with your gut. May I recommend domsubliving as a resource to check out? As well as "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns." The former provides free pdf resources and classes. The latter was recommended to me my friends and is a truly invaluable resource for new members and those who've been a part of this community for years.

I hope that you and your sub will find your way to a fulfilling relationship.

[cautiousswitch]

You've got conflicting problems.  You don't want to hurt her and are concerned with her well being while she doesn't seem to be concerned and wants to be hurt.     On the one hand as long as she doesn't share your concerns then it is better for you to break off the relationship.  On the other hand if you break off the relationship there is the possibility that she will get into something worse.

It has been suggested that you show her how a good dom should act.  That is good advice if she will listen to you.  She wants to kneel when you tell her not to despite your concern for her knees.  It is very popular to say that the sub has all the power, but in reality a D/s relationship is more of a partnership - she has to acknowledge your concerns and limits as much as you have to acknowledge hers.

You've got to talk this out with her with the understanding that it could turn into a break up discussion.

[foreducatio]

4 hours ago, Donnykinkster said:

It's obvious your a decent bloke and sadly that's half the problem for some submissives. Some like Doms to be bastards I'm afraid but the problem you have  is do you have that within? You firstly have to do what's right for you, you start doing things your not comfortable with it will play with your mind and not in a good way. You start doing things to please her then who's actually the dom? It's a tough spot.

 

I'm no expert and those with more knowledge will comment on time but for me you two need to talk and be honest. You need to explain to her that your main role is care, her welfare and why you wish her to bow rather than kneel, she needs to understand that a dom is not all about leaving marks or bruises. I've been known to make sure my friends eat healthy, things like that. It seems she may focus too much on the rougher side of kink. Help her see there can be a softer more caring side and that may make both your lives better.

Thanks for your reply Donnykinkster. It's not so much about doing things I am uncomfortable with. I'm not breaking anyone's ribs. I actually like the choking, flogging, spanking and bondage etc. And she hasn't suggested doing anything I am uncomfortable with. It just feels like she kind of introduced me to BDSM and told me to read more about it but her experiences are nothing like what I read or see as safe or good. But fine *** happens everywhere but she gives little hints as though she appreciated those relationships, then she is disrespecting me as a decent guy trying to do things correctly. I don't tell her not to kneel because I don't want her to. In fact, I'd much rather her kneel but I'm just looking out for her as a person and as my sub who is in my care. 

Edited May 27, 2020 by foreducatio

[Deleted Member]

I know this doesn’t get thrown out there a lot because of the stigma (going both ways), but therapy/counseling might be a good idea. I know a majority of people would take this as an insult or accusation that something is wrong with them, but it is not. Depending on the therapist and what they know or are willing to research there might be something that could be done to alleviate your situation at least. My uncle is a therapist and he deals with patients in the kink community all the time; hell, he actually recommends certain kink clubs (depends on what they’re looking for and his concern for their safety) over others to his patients. You may have to “shop around” for the right person to help you, but talking about your situation with an objective outsider can be seriously helpful. Don’t go to a psychiatrist though, all they’re interested in is medicating people. A licensed therapist or counselor generally can’t prescribe medication.

[Th****]

Every one has made great and salient points on this, great to have all your wise words up there.

Your post covered quite a lot of ground so I am going to break it up a bit. I will of course be giving my opinion so none of this is gospel everyone plays different ways.

Regarding the issue you are having regarding the ex's, I have been where you are now.

Those relationships where likely not healthy BDSM as we know it. You knew that already though. What they could well have been was toxic and addictive.

The result of that will be a narrative that does not make sense the love, the ***. It is hard to equate the two but it helped me to understand it by remembering that even the most negative attention can be better than no attention.

As previously suggested counselling would be a good idea, and if you want to stand a chance of her going for the idea you may want to make it couples counselling. That way there is less reason to get defensive.

Now forget her past it is history and baggage.

The future starts here and she will learn from you what Dominant, safe and fair looks like.

You have told her to bow, very sensible BTW. Now I may have suggested that you use a large pillow to protect her knees while kneeling. I am afraid that now though it sounds just a little like your submissive is not just questioning your decisions but ignoring them.

I am going make another suggestion as well here. Make sure she bows and if she doesn't DO NOT punish her. There is a good chance she is trying to evoke a response from you.

Instead sit her down and explain, preferably in very great detail why she is going to do it.

My guess is you are going to need a lot of patience my friend and you will have to know where to draw the line in the sand at which you walk away.

On the bright side you can make this work with a strength of will, honor and by being a sensible kinkster.
Good luck

[Deleted Member]

You don’t say how long you have been “friend” or how long you have been together? In my opinion it’s not the right person for you to start a D/s relationship as you are not equipped and experienced for such emotional issues. I don’t want to sound harsh but you won’t last long with her.

[Phoenyx]

I *** that your friend may need some serious help.  Many enjoy BDSM because it allows them get a grasp on some deep-rooted emotion or desire.  This can be a very healthy thing.  They are able to turn that deep feeling into a physical sensation---something tangible, that they can grab ahold and own.  Once in their grasp, they can either discard that sentiment, or draw strength from it.  I know, this is a difficult concept to explain.

My concern is that your friend's deep feeling has grown into a cancer.  She cannot pull it out by its roots, without destroying herself.  Witness her tendency toward self-destruction, as she tries to grapple with it.  The problem may be much more than past abusive relationships.  She may have come from an abusive home, with an abusive father.  She may have serious self-worth issues.  Her past may have left her so confused, that she doesn't know which way is up.

I would suggest, that you demand that she pursue counseling.  But, I *** that she would simply end the relationship, rather than seek help.  She would go out and find another ***r---someone to give her what she thinks she needs.  In these situations, that seems to be the truth, more often than not.  She truly seems attracted to abusive relationships.

I wish that I could offer more.  You have a truly difficult situation on your hands.  You may even have a difficult decision to make.  All I can say is, keep these possibilities in mind, and let your conscience be your guide.  Still, don't destroy yourself, trying to be her savior.

[Jinxy]

On 5/27/2020 at 3:46 PM, Thebian said:

I am going make another suggestion as well here. Make sure she bows and if she doesn't DO NOT punish her. There is a good chance she is trying to evoke a response from you.

Instead sit her down and explain, preferably in very great detail why she is going to do it.
 

I wholeheartedly agree with this. In this situation, giving her punishment is essentially what she is wanting and craving because it sounds like that's been what, in the past, has shown "love". As Thebian said, first do an explanation and clarify why it's important. If you feel there still needs to be a punishment in the situation, get creative with it. Have her write lines or do some chores, etc. Things that are outside of the physical punishment realm. While doing all of this, holding firm to your own boundaries and limits. I imagine you might even have to be more of the one to safe word on situations until she understands that she needs to respect those boundaries. 

 

This is a huge undertaking, and honestly not one I would recommend on your own. It will be draining, and hard, and might cause resentment to build if you continue without support. As others have mentioned, seeking the advice and guidance of a licensed counselor (preferably a BDSM friendly one) would be HIGHLY recommended for either and/or both of you. 

 

Good luck and be safe!

Jinx

[foreducatio]

Backstory: I'm a new Dom living a D/s lifestyle with a friend/coworker I've known for about 2 years. We started vanilla for about a month. She suggested 50 Shades and I got that she was into BDSM. I have done the rough sex, hair pulling, choking etc in prior relationships so I was open and loved it. I have some concerns about her but want a fair assessment and guidance on what to do. I will present my side and her side using actual quotes (you may skip some but reading all will give a more accurate view) from us so you can decide properly. She says that she has been ***d in every relationship she's had even before BDSM. Her first Dom broke her rib, gave her alcohol, put her to bed and she woke up to him on top of her. The second Dom ignored her safe words and left her with permanent marks. She suggested that I read more about BDSM and the lifestyle and I did, but everything she experienced is what I learned that Doms should not do and subs should run from. I feel like she carries over some past toxic attitudes as normal and they go completely against the community. 

MY SIDE: I think she still ***ly accepts *** despite saying verbally that she denounces it. She speaks highly of her past ***rs and gives me serious opportunities to *** her. The contradictions to me are too many. 

Her establishing correct rules:

"We agreed on a safe word so that should be honored."

"If it feels too uncomfortable for me then I will say my safe word." 

Speaking of her past ***rs in esteem:

Speaking of her first Dom: she still refers to him as Master "Master left me there while he ran to the store." 

"I saw him for about a year and would come home with bruises from head to toe...Like I said he taught me so much about this lifestyle... there was no stopping him (he ignored safe words for sexual refusal)." In another instance she explained how he taught her so much. "That you have to trust each other, that there is also love and caressing during and after ***/use." This is the man that broke her rib. 

Speaking of a severe punishment that really bruised her ass and violated her safeword, I asked her if she is open to this kind of severe punishment or something milder? Her response: "If I do something that severe in your eyes then I deserve it. You're the Dom" this is both disturbing and annoying. Disturbing, because we are talking about an issue that breaks every rule of the community and leaves the sub open to real *** and then she has an attitude like I'm the Dom and should know. This is someone who after being spanked with my hand said paddling was "unbearable." Clearly these things she endured was not pleasurable to her. She called for a safe word. 

Speaking highly of the second abusive Dom

"He was just raised to think women are beneath him and there to be seen and fucked and not heard. He 1000% loved me and has begged me to take him back "

"He like to push limits and I tried to keep up with him. He hit me a little hard sometimes and put some bruises on me that lasted forever." 

"I would never want to do anything to jeopardize his career or reputation because of our private life." 

Describing one of the best moments in her life

"He told me how much I meant to him and cried. It was a day full of surprises. He showed me his tender side." This is an ***r.

"I don't regret going through my experiences."

Opportunities she gave me to *** her:

I asked what if I push past consent and she said 

"You will, it's not what if." 

In asking what if I became like her past ***rs what she would do? She said

"Daddy things are going to go far eventually. Your going to do things that you never thought you would do. You may hurt me but I know it won't be intentionally. We will figure things out together and communicate our wants and desires."

"Just don't knock my teeth out or cut my hair please. Or cause any permit damage." 

Not really 

"Daddy as a slave...do I have a say about how much *** I can take?" Because she asked how abusive I would get I replied "your limit." And she asked what if she had none? What would be mine? I said "Leaving permanent marks or actually injuring you. Why do you ask that?" And she said "Because once upon a time you looked down on me for that" and further went to ask "The question was would you like to do those things?" She further prodded "Your not answering Daddy. I asked you if that is something you desired if you thought I deserved it?" I asked if she would allow it and she said yes "but what changed your mind?" Because I started showing disapproval for this she said this: "I don't want the following:
1. injuries or disfigurement 
2. permanent marks 
3. Cuts
4. Drawl ***
5. Punching any different then you have" 

When I asked why she was asking these questions she said I was overthinking it and it was just a question. 

What is strange though is how serious she is about not licking her nipples. She has this at a hard no and will not do fisting, knife play etc. So why does she play around with safe words and consent but not nipples? I do not know but she just seems contradictory. She speaks how she only wants very dominant alpha males. I am that but I'm also not an ***r so I notice how she declines things that aren't exactly extreme or boundary pushing like I told her to put on an act as a pornstar and do as I say but she begged to not do it but gagged, tied and fucked hard is great for her. She also asks particular things like for me to shave my beard because she loves clean shaven men. It feels very topping from the bottom.  

 

HER SIDE: 

Speaking about consent

"Have I told you no before? Have I told you I don't like when you do a particular thing? Yes I have so worry about me and you and not about what you "think" happened in my past." 

Me speaking of her being accustomed to her past Doms and being set up to be ***d by others. 

"Once again you are coming to a conclusion about me that's not true. Im not going to let anyone take advantage of me, hence why I am not with my ex's and I never look back." 

"I should have known you would judge me for my past."

My mother had abusive relationships and I am hyper aware and I see certain traits in her and told her that she never even said that she was sorry to hear that my mom was ***d. That shows how comfortable she is with it.  I do not go overboard, I've dated an ***d girl before but never felt like this .

"I think you are the one with issues because of what you saw your mom go through and now your trying to make it my issue." 

I asked if she would still date me if I did in fact hit a previous vanilla girlfriend. 

"People change. Every ***r does not necessarily mean they will always be one. Some stop."

Speaking of extreme *** in past relationships

"If I needed that type of *** in my life then I would not be turned on to you." Then why ask how much would I *** you? 

Sighs of frustration because she has been single for over 2 years:

"I'm just putting everything in gods hands. I'm tired of being hurt and it's hard to find a man that will treat me like a princess but still able to handle me." 

I love this woman and feel like if we broke up,  the possibility of her getting ***d again is so high. Assess and tell me if I am  ok or is she right and I I don't know. Sorry guys. 

[Jinxy]

I’m going to be completely honest with you here. This doesn’t sound like a healthy situation for you. If I’m being extra honest, I don’t think she should even be involved in a BDSM relationship until she seeks some help for mental health. As @phoenyx mentioned, don’t destroy yourself by trying to save her.
 

Reading your update, there were several instances that appeared to me possible places that might cause you to start compromising who you are, as a Dom and as a person, to make her happy. Her lack of respect for you and your boundaries concerns me. I understand that this is someone you truly care about and sometimes the harsh reality is that people have to want help for themselves. You can’t make them. The stuff you’ve shared about how she views BDSM is alarming. I just worry that in trying to help her, you’ll hurt yourself. You also can’t worry about what she would do if you did break up. That’s on her, not you. Staying with her just to prevent her from seeking out another ***r is not healthy. 
 

It’s not a failure if you decide that it’d be best to part ways. It’s healthy. It’s maintaining good boundaries and being true to yourself. 

 

I know this may not have been the advice you wanted to hear. Whatever you decide, please stay safe and be true to who you are. 
 

Jinx

[Wo****]

Can I offer my thoughts from having been in a toxic, controlling, abusive relationship with someone I thought I loved.

He was never physically abusive but he was far off being a Dominant as I am being a six foot supermodel.

 

At the time, I thought this man was my saviour, he was in fact, pure evil. A sociopath.

 

She MAY be saying that she knows what she doesnt want. Finding out from you how far you might go.

The sub thing of having no choice. You set the limits. On here, I believe, there are a couple of Doms whose submissives have higher limits than them. Just means you won't push her beyond her limits.

She did leave.

It's hard, really hard, to really see *** that happens to you, and it hurts.

It's also pretty tricky having healthy relationships after, everything I believed was true wasn't. That rocks your foundations. I was lucky that I came to realise my relationship with my ex "master" was abusive while I was surrounded by good, strong people that love me.

 

She needs to come to terms with her ***. Bdsm might help her. It helped me but Idk.

 

Is this why you don't want your daughter to be a submissive?

I guess by our very nature we open ourselves up to potential *** but when you find a good Dominant.... I feel cherished, protected, wanted. Free. How could you not want that?

[re****]

First, like others have said this may not be a healthy situation for you. It may not be for her either. 

 

There's a recurring theme here: she let them push her boundaries until she had none. She believed the damage done to her was justified on some level. Those aspects? They are NOT from the physical ***. They are from the mental and emotional, "Oh, I only did that because I care about you" etc. 

 

The fact is she's internalized so much it's going to be a really nasty tangle to get all these elements seperated. Speaking from experience, it may be a back and forth war inside her. When you're in an abusive relationship there are good times and bad times. They get mixed together and her understanding of things and maybe even how her body and mind respond... It's like being programmed.

 

It is entirely possible she's looking for whatever contained her "best moments" where she felt good were but, historically those parts were mixed with the bad. So how to ask for it--the good--without feeling wrong or bad etc. It takes a lot of self-reflection and it's likely harder because what you both have different definitions of what the *** is/was. It may not be the things you expect, and she may be expecting you to judge her if she opens up fully about what she actually desires. 

 

It may be best for you to see a couples counselor.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 30, 2020 by reasyn

[JM061779]

I just stumbled across this old thread. Curious if there is any update on how all this turned out? I'm hoping for a happy ending.