Being new to a Dominant role certainly doesn't mean you have to know all the answers, but establishing Dom sub trust and admitting mistakes all form part of the learning process. Find out what our BDSM advice columnist Molly says to one of our members who'd like to build their confidence as new Dom.  

 

Dear Molly, 
I've recently started out as a bit of a Dominant and am enjoying it a lot, but I'm having issues with regards to pushing my sub as far as I think she wants me to push. I think I'm so concerned about her safety that I'm holding back and in that process not fully satisfying her or challenging her as much as she desires. I know this is a problem, but if you have any tips or ideas on being able to push my worries aside, I would love to hear them. Hopefully, I can continue to grow into this role without losing track of her safety.
HexThePup.

 

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Dear HexThePup,
Congratulations on your kinky adventures - this is a very exciting time in anyone's kink journey, especially when you feel like you've found a role and a Dom sub relationship that seems to fit you well. But, as with all new things, there can be a tendency to dive in at the deep end. Of course, that increases the risk of drowning - or in this case, making a mistake that harms your partner.  So, airing on the side of caution and taking things slow is a positive and sensible thing as it dramatically reduces the chance of you unwittingly hurting someone. But, as you point out, it can also cause different problems, especially if your partner is feeling like something is missing. So how can you find the right balance and boost your confidence as a Dominant?

 

Talk with your partner

I know I say 'talk with your partner' all the time, but that's because it's key to having a good relationship (regardless of whether it's kinky or not). However, it's especially important in a Dom sub relationship, and you're potentially indulging in play that could hurt or even harm someone. Knowing what your partner likes and enjoys and fantasises about is crucial when it comes to you being able to deliver an experience that works for both of you. You have to be comfortable and confident that what you're doing is the right thing. 

Talking with your partner about their needs and wants and how far they might want to go will help give you the confidence as a Dominant to push things a bit harder. Knowing what things they like is vital, but also having lots of conversation about things they might like is important too. Of course, it might be that they don't know and in that case, you have the opportunity to learn together. Sharing ideas and fantasises will help you both to learn each other well.  

 

Building Dom sub trust 

Learning to trust your partner might sound odd because there's lots of talk of the sub or bottom needing to have trust in the Dom or Top.  While that's right, you also need to build Dom sub trust so your partner can relax into play and be safe in the knowledge that you're going to care and give them the best time possible. 

Equally as vital, is for you to trust in your partner and to understand that they will speak up if something is wrong  - this is important for you to be able to push things a little bit. It will enable you to trust more in what they're asking for and go a bit further as you'll know you'll be delivering what they want.

One way of doing this is to have a safeword, or I would suggest a traffic light system where you can check in with your partner as you play, and get a good gauge of how they're feeling.
 

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The traffic light system works in that green means 'everything is okay, keep going', orange means 'this is starting to be too much', and red signifies 'this must stop'. Of course, you want to define those with your partner, so you both agree on what they mean. Some people will say things like, a 'little bit orange but keep going', or, 'really orange', which would be a signal to ease off a bit. You can develop this system as you go, but it's an excellent way to help build your confidence and get you in the habit of checking in with them regularly.  

 

Being a new Dom, you'll make mistakes

It's essential to acknowledge you'll make mistakes beforehand; you're only human. However, you can plan as best you can. Talk to your partner about this fact, acknowledge there are risks in what you're doing and agree together that you'll own your errors and always try your best to get things right. At the same time, understand that you both know mistakes will probably happen and is part of learning and developing. 

Set up systems to try to reduce the kink risks. The traffic light system is one such example, but others might be a 'safe sign' if your partner is gagged or always ensuring you have safety scissors nearby if using rope or any other ties. Plan and think ahead and do your research. 

Making mistakes is part of learning, but the key is how you deal with them when you do, like being open, honest and always learning from them. 
 

Remember, kink is meant to be fun! 

My one big piece of advice when it comes to all things kink related is that it's meant to be fun for everyone involved. I always say if you're not having fun, then don't do it. By talking openly with your partner, learning their needs, wants and boundaries, then that will help to build your confidence and ensure that you're both having as much fun as possible. 
Good luck!
Molly x



Are you a new Dom? Help out fellow kinksters by answering their questions on the subject in the Fetish.com forum

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For tips and advice, contact Molly via her Fetish.com profile or visit her thread in the BDSM Forum:gimp:

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Phoenyx

Posted

One more important note on extreme bondage, that I forgot to mention.  Try to avoid the kidnapping scenario.  It becomes hard to distinguish the role-play struggles from struggles of actual distress.  Better to seduce the sub into bondage.  They remain relaxed and ready for the next surprise.  More importantly, it makes tells of distress easier to spot.

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Phoenyx

Posted

An excellent article.  I always enjoy reading such tutorials.  If it's OK with everyone though, I would just like to add a couple details.  These apply more to extreme bondage than S&M.

Though the mind and spirit may be willing, the body often has other ideas.  Cramps and/or panic attacks can be constant risk.  First try each new restraint, individually, in a non-roleplay mode.  Arm binders are known cramp causers, as are ballet boots.  The muscles and tendons need to be properly stretched, before extended wear is possible.  This takes a lot of time, practice, and physical conditioning.  Same could be said for straightjackets.  Hospital straightjackets are made of loose canvas, which allow for some movement.  However, leather and latex bondage models fit far tighter, and eliminate virtually any possibility of movement.  Again, go slow.

Now, the really tough one---the full discipline hood.  Most folks, when first try a tight hood with no eye or mouth openings, they have an involuntary panic attack.  This is natural, until breath control is learned.  It is much like learning how to scuba dive.  It is best to first try a simple latex hood, with no gag, that zips in the back.  The stretchy latex can give the desired tightness, without the cumbersome laces of a heavier leather hood.  More importantly, the zipper allows for quick removal, in case of a problem.

Breath control is also important, for anyone who wishes to get into corsets.  A truly tight corset will restrict the diaphragm, often leading to hyperventilation.  One must learn to breath up into the chest, where there is little or no restriction.  Yes, again, go slow.

Finally, watch out for trouble when combining restraints.  Though a sub may have no trouble with a corset, or with a discipline hood, they may suddenly have trouble breathing when the two are combined.  The odds of problems go up with the addition of each new item.  Again, it's best to practice in a non-roleplay setting, before proceeding to the real thing.

Anyway, I hope this was of some help, and I wasn't just blathering my ignorance.

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Posted

A very sensible article, which some so called "seasoned" doms should read too, to remind themselves about the relationship between dom and sub, ad well as sub and dom. Molly mentions about a "sign" that a gagged sub might use when needing to stop. I've always given a sub a cat ball with a jingle bell inside it. As soon as it moves, it sounds which means "stop now". Very effective and fits in the palm of a hand.

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Posted

I do not wish to sound too high and mighty, but I find that a lot of this knowledge was already known to me before I even realised I am a Dominant. What I do like about this article is that I can definitely recommend it to those who are less "naturally inclined". We all have different aptitudes, so some of us will learn more than others in regards to what they already know, but I read this article from top to bottom, and I agree with everything said.

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