Molly's BDSM Tips | Building Confidence as a New Dom

Being new to a Dominant role certainly doesn't mean you have to know all the answers, but establishing Dom sub trust and admitting mistakes all form part of the learning process. Find out what our BDSM advice columnist Molly says to one of our members who'd like to build their confidence as new Dom.

Dear Molly,
I've recently started out as a bit of a Dominant and am enjoying it a lot, but I'm having issues with regards to pushing my sub as far as I think she wants me to push. I think I'm so concerned about her safety that I'm holding back and in that process not fully satisfying her or challenging her as much as she desires. I know this is a problem, but if you have any tips or ideas on being able to push my worries aside, I would love to hear them. Hopefully, I can continue to grow into this role without losing track of her safety.
HexThePup.

Dear HexThePup,
Congratulations on your kinky adventures - this is a very exciting time in anyone's kink journey, especially when you feel like you've found a role and a Dom sub relationship that seems to fit you well. But, as with all new things, there can be a tendency to dive in at the deep end. Of course, that increases the risk of drowning - or in this case, making a mistake that harms your partner. So, airing on the side of caution and taking things slow is a positive and sensible thing as it dramatically reduces the chance of you unwittingly hurting someone. But, as you point out, it can also cause different problems, especially if your partner is feeling like something is missing. So how can you find the right balance and boost your confidence as a Dominant?

Talk with your partner

I know I say 'talk with your partner' all the time, but that's because it's key to having a good relationship (regardless of whether it's kinky or not). However, it's especially important in a Dom sub relationship, and you're potentially indulging in play that could hurt or even harm someone. Knowing what your partner likes and enjoys and fantasises about is crucial when it comes to you being able to deliver an experience that works for both of you. You have to be comfortable and confident that what you're doing is the right thing.

Talking with your partner about their needs and wants and how far they might want to go will help give you the confidence as a Dominant to push things a bit harder. Knowing what things they like is vital, but also having lots of conversation about things they might like is important too. Of course, it might be that they don't know and in that case, you have the opportunity to learn together. Sharing ideas and fantasises will help you both to learn each other well.

Building Dom sub trust

Learning to trust your partner might sound odd because there's lots of talk of the sub or bottom needing to have trust in the Dom or Top. While that's right, you also need to build Dom sub trust so your partner can relax into play and be safe in the knowledge that you're going to care and give them the best time possible.

Equally as vital, is for you to trust in your partner and to understand that they will speak up if something is wrong - this is important for you to be able to push things a little bit. It will enable you to trust more in what they're asking for and go a bit further as you'll know you'll be delivering what they want.

One way of doing this is to have a safeword, or I would suggest a traffic light system where you can check in with your partner as you play, and get a good gauge of how they're feeling.

The traffic light system works in that green means 'everything is okay, keep going', orange means 'this is starting to be too much', and red signifies 'this must stop'. Of course, you want to define those with your partner, so you both agree on what they mean. Some people will say things like, a 'little bit orange but keep going', or, 'really orange', which would be a signal to ease off a bit. You can develop this system as you go, but it's an excellent way to help build your confidence and get you in the habit of checking in with them regularly.

Being a new Dom, you'll make mistakes

It's essential to acknowledge you'll make mistakes beforehand; you're only human. However, you can plan as best you can. Talk to your partner about this fact, acknowledge there are risks in what you're doing and agree together that you'll own your errors and always try your best to get things right. At the same time, understand that you both know mistakes will probably happen and is part of learning and developing.

Set up systems to try to reduce the kink risks. The traffic light system is one such example, but others might be a 'safe sign' if your partner is gagged or always ensuring you have safety scissors nearby if using rope or any other ties. Plan and think ahead and do your research.

Making mistakes is part of learning, but the key is how you deal with them when you do, like being open, honest and always learning from them.

Remember, kink is meant to be fun!

My one big piece of advice when it comes to all things kink related is that it's meant to be fun for everyone involved. I always say if you're not having fun, then don't do it. By talking openly with your partner, learning their needs, wants and boundaries, then that will help to build your confidence and ensure that you're both having as much fun as possible.
Good luck!
Molly x

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