new Dom, facing unexpected issues

[Deleted Member]

Bye everybody....and please remember any opinion is acceptable as long as its your own ..

[saintsaltysynz]

Ugh a bunch of ego pronoun talk about something if you are you are if not oh well.

But my opinion matters less than toilet paper for this thread.

It’s your life do what makes you feel like living it.

Communication matters along with consistent discipline and boundaries .

Some good suggestions on watching others.

Lulz


[Deleted Member]

@ampd , first and foremost the advice from some contributors to your thread is excellent: communicate, communicate, communicate! One comment though is not to be taken seriously. @SIGMA believes his form of dominance is the guideline, the benchmark for all and every other Dom out there. I'm not going to judge his ways. I only question whether his ways would apply to your dynamic since yours is as unique and individual as anybody else's.
There is one issue though that only you can address: what is it that you want from your sub? What are your needs you want her to satisfy? Why don't you just ask her whether she understands that her role requires her to prioritise your needs, your wellbeing as her Dom while you take care of hers. Her reaction is, I believe, crucial for you in your role. The positive reaction would be her asking you which needs you want her to satisfy. In that case you better have your answer ready. The negative reaction could be her claim that as a Dom you are responsible to satisfy her needs only. In this case she may be "topping from the bottom".
Whether you take action to "put her back into her spot" is entirely up to you. Remember she may need exactly that from you!
If I were in your shoes (which no one actually is) I wouldn't give up neither on yourself as a Dom nor on her as your sub. The many rewards of hanging on and working the issues out are just too good for both of you!

[Mi****]

Yeah you have to talk. Speaking as a sub, this kinda backs up bf. When my domme and I play I am of her service. If I don’t get to cum and that’s just what it were about for me, well then I might be in the wrong business. Being placed in a roll might be kind of an issue, you should feeling rewarded. This is personal and unique  to everybody it’s hard to give advise that 10 others may disagree with. Other then communicate. 

[RainbowTea]

Yeah definitely don't listen to rando internet strangers who tries to tell you you're not a Dom - they don't know you and it's really heckin arrogant and ridiculous to assume they know enough to make that kind of judgment based off this one post. They clearly forgot every D type started somewhere and nobody has it completely figured out in the beginning their kink journey. You know who you are (or are in the process of figuring it out and learning about yourself which is a GOOD thing) and that's all that matters.

 

All I can suggest for advice is what the more sensible and reasonable here have said - communicate, communicate, communicate. Communicate EVERYTHING, especially when it comes to consent. Consent is king, and communication and consent are the pillars and foundation of the bdsm community and lifestyle - which is why negotiations are so vital.

If your partner has had any experience in bdsm then she'll know this (or at least she should), so it's a little bit surprising she pushed you into the D role without bringing up negotiations about what each of your roles and expectations will be. Maybe she's just not very knowledgeable yet and is ignorant, but now is a GREAT time to bring up negotiations if you want to keep doing this dynamic or even take this further. Sit down one day for a discussion session about both of your needs, desires, and fantasies, and especially discuss what your soft limits and hard limits are. How serious do you want this dynamic to be? If you only want a more casual, bedroom only dynamic then a contract isn't super necessary - just a list or chart of what your kinks and hard limits are should be sufficient. If however you both wish to take it outside the bedroom and be at least in a part-time lifestyle, then definitely look into writing a contract together (it's not an official legally binding type of contract, it's more like a written document and pledge to carry out your desired roles and rules).

 

Both of your responsibilities are to make sure the other's needs are being met, so if she isn't fulfilling her part in that then either she isn't aware of your needs or she's being a user. If you haven't discussed your needs with her then it's very possible she just isn't aware of what your needs are, and as a sub she's expecting you to tell her what you want AS her Dom. If she's genuine in following her side of the slash then she desires to follow through on that, submitting to your leadership and guidance. She would be expecting you to lead her in the relationship and simply be honest with what your needs are - at least in bedroom activities if your dynamic is bedroom-only. Your job is to make sure she knows what's expected of her so long as it's been given consent by her, hence the negotiation process for what you both will and won't do. She most likely just assumed you were perfectly fine with how things are currently going because you admit you haven't really spoken up. Subs WANT to submit to their chosen D type's leadership, so she shouldn't have any issues with you taking the lead and telling her what you want and expect of her (so long as everything has been previously discussed and agreed on).

 

If she reacts badly to being lead into a discussion and negotiations of what your needs are then you'll know she was just taking advantage of your lack of knowledge by treating you as a kink dispenser, in which case you'd have to decide if you wanna end the relationship or stay and figure out a way to work on how to improve together. Good luck!

[Deleted Member]

Excellent comment @RainbowTea ! Since the "contract" you recommend is not legally binding, maybe we should call it a MoU or Memorandum if Understanding? Addresses the wants and needs of the parties to it with the intention to adhere to the contents.

[ge****]

OP I can only echo what @FatefulDestiny said right up there and applaud your reaching out and please pay no heed to anyone that says you're not a Dom and can't be - yes for some, on both sides of the coin, their role is innate and comes from within, but for many they have developed into the role in similar ways to you.
.
The key here is knowing yourself and your own desires of your role and then communicating them with your partner.
.
Talk to her on a regular basis about the dynamic generally, and how she feels it's going, use that to put across some of your thoughts as to your own desires and needs for yourself.
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Reading your OP it doesn't sound like she is ignoring those needs either, more you yourself are so focused on being the right dominant for her that your own needs tend to get forgotten, so you need to realign that focus yourself to an extent.
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Speaking as a submissive myself I know one of my biggest concerns when I play is what the dominant is getting out of it, so you may find your partner feels the same - but you can only know that through talking to her.

[va****]

That I think is a very educated and respectful question. Let me just say first n foremost I have been in this lifestyle close to goin on 15+ years. And let's just say that as I meet a new relationship because there has been a few in that time frame. I still catch myself doing just that. U get so wrapped up in either worin more about teaching or just plain makin ur subs experience so unforgettable that u don't either get satisfied or just don't get to finish that it becomes a regular thing that it don't even bother u anymore. Bit here is where it gets interesting. U r in a position in the other person's life that now it time to just make time for u. Ur in a dominant position think about u n only u for the first time in a long time. And let ur imagination take u to a place of mental bliss and order ur sub like u have been this whole time. Belive me when I tell u that it's gonna be the best ur sub has ever enjoyed. For the simple reason being u have done for them this whole time and now it's time for them to shine and show u all that u have thought them to do. It's ur time to shine and they live for the moments that they get to show u so to speak. Now when u try this don't alow yourself to learn how to *** this because belive me when I say it's so addictive that it's almost dangerous. But if they truly have learned how to be a good lil submissive. It will be the best time for both parties. If not then she should be punished severely for being greedy and self centered. That also can b very enjoyable but u know then that it will not be a reality worth keeping . Hope u try this and I also hope that it works just how I have expected. Good hunting.....

[In****]

It’s coming across to me that you role is as a pleasure dom in this relationship, as having flicked through the comments only lightly I’ve seen the most important factor mention a couple of times communication is key regardless of the type of relationship of your not communicating it won’t work. Boundaries trust and expectations come through communication, the simplest way to put it is talk it out and find the balance where both of you are happy having your needs met enjoying your kinky selves and are most comfortable ☺️. On the other hand just to play devils advocate you could always just totally switch how you use your dominance, fair warning though that isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but off the top of my head I can think of maybe 5 variations of a dominant.

[Ju****]

I'm going to ignore the petty drama here... 

Good lord 

 

 

 

 

Anyway..

 

Your needs are being ignored. This is on both of you not just you as a dominant, or whatever role you choose to be. 

She needs to identify your needs are being neglected and talk to you about it and vice versa. It's not solely your responsibility dominant or not.

Communicate or you're going to be miserable. Try something new and maybe get her to play and tease with you before you begin on her. Make her earn it. Within her limits ofcourse. 

Have fun but make sure you have that chat!

[Chloebear]

I would also echo that it’s worth having a chat with her about this.

I would also say that you don’t have to be in the Dom role all the time, so perhaps talk about having sessions or just vanilla sex that focusses more on your needs.

You can certainly adapt your Dom style to think more on what you want to get from it and incorporate that. E.g. if you like to watch her play for you or something. Again though, do this with discussion. I’ve been a Domme in the past where I was just going through the motions (as a switch, it’s not just pure pleasure for me). I needed to look for what I enjoyed and how to get that from the role. Sometimes it only takes little adjustments. So perhaps instead of giving her pleasure you can deny it until you have some next time? 
 

Good luck with it. Everyone has different styles, it’s about finding your path and enjoyment. It doesn’t make you less of a Dom, and imo asking the question makes you a better Dom because you’re looking to learn and develop your practice. 

[In****]

15 minutes ago, Chloebear said:

I would also echo that it’s worth having a chat with her about this.

I would also say that you don’t have to be in the Dom role all the time, so perhaps talk about having sessions or just vanilla sex that focusses more on your needs.

You can certainly adapt your Dom style to think more on what you want to get from it and incorporate that. E.g. if you like to watch her play for you or something. Again though, do this with discussion. I’ve been a Domme in the past where I was just going through the motions (as a switch, it’s not just pure pleasure for me). I needed to look for what I enjoyed and how to get that from the role. Sometimes it only takes little adjustments. So perhaps instead of giving her pleasure you can deny it until you have some next time? 
 

Good luck with it. Everyone has different styles, it’s about finding your path and enjoyment. It doesn’t make you less of a Dom, and imo asking the question makes you a better Dom because you’re looking to learn and develop your practice. 

I’d echo the being a better dom for asking for help/advice never hurts to learn ☺️

[Hy****]

I did not know that people used the word sigma unironically. I see now why.

[MizzAzure]

As a new domme myself I can see how it can feel like our needs mean less. I recently read THE NEW TOPPING BOOK and THE NEW BOTTOMING BOOK. They were both very beneficial and helped me to understand WHY people do these rolls. I’m “technically” a top leaning switch. And you might be switch too. I would recommend you “order” your sub to service you. A lot of topping or domming seems to be about allowing your bottom to find their own space to do what they need. But if you don’t get much out of it, it doesn’t really create the connection that really good scenes have. Read erotica, watch porn, read about others, look at kinky pics. Then think about what of those things turns you on and WHAT part makes you excited. Sex is like pizza. Some times it good sometimes it’s bad. But no one turns down a slice.

[In****]

2 minutes ago, MizzAzure said:

As a new domme myself I can see how it can feel like our needs mean less. I recently read THE NEW TOPPING BOOK and THE NEW BOTTOMING BOOK. They were both very beneficial and helped me to understand WHY people do these rolls. I’m “technically” a top leaning switch. And you might be switch too. I would recommend you “order” your sub to service you. A lot of topping or domming seems to be about allowing your bottom to find their own space to do what they need. But if you don’t get much out of it, it doesn’t really create the connection that really good scenes have. Read erotica, watch porn, read about others, look at kinky pics. Then think about what of those things turns you on and WHAT part makes you excited. Sex is like pizza. Some times it good sometimes it’s bad. But no one turns down a slice.

Hey could I ask where you found said books?

[MizzAzure]

I bought digital copies from Amazon.

[In****]

3 minutes ago, MizzAzure said:

I bought digital copies from Amazon.

Thanks will go and look ☺️

[Deleted Member]

Take your time. Being a true Dominant takes time and effort. My subs desires come first but communicate your own with her, or you will be mentally exhausted

[Se****]

24 minutes ago, GentlemanDomCymru said:

Take your time. Being a true Dominant takes time and effort. My subs desires come first but communicate your own with her, or you will be mentally exhausted

I never understand the “true Dominant” statement

[Deleted Member]

14 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

I never understand the “true Dominant” statement

Not a wannabe Dom

[ge****]

8 hours ago, GentlemanDomCymru said:

Not a wannabe Dom

Yes but your "wannabe Dom/me" might be someone else's "true Dom/me" is the point - whilst there may be certain general factors that make a person (regardless of which side of the slash they sit) someone to avoid - the specific definition of what makes someone "true" is very much an individual thing.

[RainbowTea]

On 3/23/2024 at 3:20 AM, BlackFlogger said:

Excellent comment @RainbowTea ! Since the "contract" you recommend is not legally binding, maybe we should call it a MoU or Memorandum if Understanding? Addresses the wants and needs of the parties to it with the intention to adhere to the contents.

Thank you! And yes MoU is another good term for it. I've seen contract used the most but people can call it whatever they prefer 😊

[Deleted Member]

I just couldn't resist using a term out of a previous life! 😀

[el****]

March 23, InThePink said:

Excellent answer! I completely agree that the forcing of one person's concept of Dom or not Dom are too rigid on here sometimes.

Also ampd have you heard of Dom/Domme burnout. It can happen sometimes when we focus too much effort and attention on looking after our subs needs and ignoring our own. You can do a couple of things in your scenario I think.
First make a list of your sexual needs and desires that you feel you are missing out on. As mentioned above these can be used as rewards or punishments for your sub.
A second thing that I find use during a stressful or difficult day or weekend is just having my sub spoil me rotten without giving any sexual release to them. Massages, bathing me, kissing me all over, making me dinner in just an apron, kneeling for me just to be admired, and lots of other little things. All of these things make me feel empowered but with no demands on me and it's so much fun to watch a sub squirm while staying horny and happy. And it still allows my sub to worship and serve me.
A weekend like this can be a balm. 🥰

Love the balm… love it 🥰

[Chloebear]

On 3/23/2024 at 12:38 AM, SIGMA- said:

You can't change...that's my point
And why should he change for someone he loves if they don't accept him as his nature dictates it's not love anyway

Poster has left, but I think it’s interesting to reflect on this - personally I don’t feel it’s true, you can absolutely change roles, both based on your innate needs or just on your choice. However, if you role play to fulfil someone else’s desires rather than your own, there will be a gap where your own needs are not met (otherwise it wouldn’t be role play). I would suggest the key is finding a happy medium in what both parties want, or you can look at how your kinks are met through what you do and adapt it slightly so it hits more of your needs. 
 

People change over time though, of course you can expect some to change roles, just as you may develop or drop kinks. Some are more hardwired into their preferences than others but I don’t think anyone is completely set.