Tricks to vet a Dom

[Bo****]

I’ve seen so many posts from subs and experienced myself the number of kinky, horny bullies who believe they are Doms. I’ve been trying some tricks while vetting, but wondering what others have found successful.

[St****]

I follow the lines of r they genuinely trying to get to know me are they wanting something right of the bat if its yes to the second then its a no thank u and a block. I look for r they asking about ur well being how ur day is what u like to do things that build a friendship

[re****]

Love to learn from your experience. Do u have any connections near Reno, NV?

[MsDrawers]

There isn't any substitute for taking some time and talking. People find it difficult to maintain the bullshit and tend to drop their guard quite quickly. Or they push the pace - a red flag in itself. I look for disparity between what they say and what they do. Do they start calling me petnames and/or honorifics without asking if I'm good with that? Do they start telling me how it's going to be, what it's going to look like, what they're going to do to me without familiarising themselves with my desires and limits? Do they remember details I have shared about things that do and don't work for me? There are numerous phrases that sound alarm bells, but the fundamental thing about mistaking dominance for being an overbearing arse is a very common one and will usually become apparent very quickly.

[Deleted Member]

A dom should always respect limits and never push the issue. If a bully is trying to get you to do something you’ve already said is a hard limit… they are definitely not a dom. My 2 cents. Good luck

[Ja****]

Ask them what they want their sub to feel whilst being dominated... a horny bully probably will probably roase some red flags answering this as it requires a deep understanding of a d/s dynamic. Someone asked me this question recently and I thought it was just an awesome question, TBH. You could also ask them how they dealt with aftercare

[Cj****]

I’ll admit, when I first started Doming I didn’t know shit about it really. It wasn’t until I met a guy, who became a very good friend, who mentored me that I learned that I was being a dick not a Dom. I learned that in order to be a Dom you need to respect everything that your sub is requesting and to feel privileged to have what she is offering. As a dom you have to take responsibility not only for her training but her aftercare. No sub should leave feeling as if she sacrificed her self esteem, confidence and dignity. Great post.

[Ja****]

Ask them what they want their sub to feel whilst being dominated... a horny bully will probably raise some red flags answering this, as it requires a deep understanding of a d/s dynamic. Someone asked me this question recently, and I thought it was just an awesome question, TBH. You could also ask them how they dealt with aftercare

[Ta****]

If I were a sub vetting someone, I’d ask them to tell me what their biggest mistake they ever made with a sub was, and what they learned from it. Whatever they tell you, weigh their answers carefully, but more importantly, if they say they don’t make mistakes, that would be a huge red flag for me. It would show they are either unaware of their mistakes or refuse to acknowledge them. Nobody is perfect, everyone makes mistakes from time to time, that’s how we grow.

[Am****]

Pseudodoms. Patience is an easy step, tell them you want to take your time most will just leave

[Deleted Member]

There are guides, questionnaires and such to help vet Doms. It mostly verifies whether your kinks and intentions are aligned, or not

[ha****]

A good place to start is whether their profile is verified. And establishing mutual respect, like if someone is being extra secret about their identity then its typically bad news

[do****]

I haven't tried yet, but I've been thinking on this question:
"Is it possible (not necessarily your preference) to dominate someone using only words but without belittling them?"

If someone says "no" to that, then they have a different understanding of dominance from me.

[Deleted Member]

I thought it would be pretty easy just off the vibe check. Have you experienced times when it wasn’t obvious?

[Ae****]

Imho - be friendly and see if they're actually friendly and kind back. If any topics of convo come up regarding other people and their behaviour and the dom is very judgemental, red flag. Continue a message only relationship for a while so that you can see if they're consistent overtime, which is essentially you building up an idea of whether they are trustworthy.

Them being understanding, kind and genuinely warm and enthusiastic, at appropriate times, is my yardstick.

See how you feel when you're talking to them.

Then when first meeting, again, see how you feel.

I will say - if you're asking this question, you obviously don't have the ability yet to judge character very well. Simply talking to to them should be enough to let you see exactly who they are, pretty fast.

As such, you can be easily misled. A person can make you feel very comfortable, even if they aren't a very good person, and you'll have no idea. Worse, the fact you feel happy around such a person will be a sign that you subconsciously want a person who will treat you poorly at some point. It's chemistry caused by subconscious issues. So, basically, a *** person will be attracted to a person who isn't a very good person, and not at all attracted to a genuinely good person.

Also, some people who are "bad" don't themselves really know it. It will come out later on, and will even be a surprise to them.

Go slowly with everything while you build up your experiences and ability to judge character. Some of your learning will come from mistakes, which is simply part of life.

BTW, just FYI, this kinda approach applies to doms for meeting subs too. Some of them are pretty bad people. It applies to everyone.

[HS****]

I don’t think this is a trick per se but I would say I proper Dom would not start a conversation with someone sexual, they wouldn’t send anything unsolicited. A proper Dom would understand that a connection is needed before anything can happen and therefore will try and get to know you first before going down any sort of sexual conversation

[Ma****]

How about get to know each other before you even think about playing with someone. Build that trust, share, communicate, then let him gag you and tie you up.

[CopperKnob]

Literally talking to them. When people feel at ease they say more than they realise. Who do they know that I know. I don't have specific questions like some, if it doesn't feel right it's not.
Vetting is so personal, I honestly don't feel that there's a one size fits all

[Su****]

Oh that's interesting. I didn't try any tricks as such but did ask people what safe play looks like. Had some very interesting answers which revealed a lot! Also if anyone doesn't seem to be listening, is pushy or only wants to talk about kink then I seived them out. Luckily I found a perfect Dom pretty quickly so don't have too many horror stories to share or tips or tricks!

[Yo****]

They sound like pretenders to me, no Dom should be a bully unless that's the kink that's desired. I'm a dom and have some decent experience in many dynamics and it's all very respectful and fun. I think if you can communicate with a Dom easily and not feel like they are just looking to get their leg over and actually take the time to understand the wants and needs of both parties fettishes, it's a very good ground for finding a good Dom.

[pr****]

Meeting for coffee first at s neutral, public place and talking. If they are local to you, see if they belong to any local groups and vet them that way. I always listen to my gut. If the dom says they don't meet in public/laughs at your safety protocol/ doesn’t play in public, use the buddy system. If they say no to that, just say no to them.

[typhoon2]

Look at their Friends lists, if possible. Look at what local events they might attend. Consider the tone of their profile, especially if short on information. Once chatting, ask the sorts of questions that you find most important. See if they're answered fully and (as far as known) truthfully, or are replied to evasively or ignored. Ask certain questions again, later, to compare responses (liars find it difficult to keep up with their lies). Consider the pace at which they move - are they possessive or commanding quickly? Do they dictate when to meet and where, or do they discuss things with you? Is everything on their terms or are they interested in what you seek? None of this is foolproof but a decent Dominant will generally be amenable to fielding all these queries with an open and honest mindset.

[BB****]

Ask what they believe their responsibilities are as a dom, ask about aftercare, ask how they ensure open communication when there’s a power dynamic

[Go****]

Setting boundaries usually gets rid of the first round. Lol

[be****]

Suuuuper interested to see what people say. I too would love to know