Tricks to vet a Dom

[sa****]

How specific they are when asking you about your limits, kinks and pleasures/preferences. The more specific they are, the more they’re interested in serving your needs.

Ultimately, a dom is in service to the sub at a meta level, like a masseuse is in service to a client, even tho they are “in control” during the massage session. This will ideally be the vibe they give you. Feel free to dm me for more detail and good luck!

[De****]

I'm very new to the lifestyle, but as an inexperienced/exploring submissive I have been approached by many people who claim to be Doms. In just my limited foray here and on the FET app, I have noticed some patterns that seem to differentiate between the real deal and those who merely claim the title. (And the occasional true person who wants to learn how to be a good Dom)
1. They read your profile and ask in-depth questions about who you are as a person
2. They require you to divulge your experience, your desires, your ***s and your bad experiences so they don't compound them
3. They have hard limits and soft boundaries and absolutely want to know what yours are
4. They will discuss scenes, communicate before (very thoroughly)and afterwards to fine tune and improve upon each meeting
5. They will never leave you wondering how things stand
6. They understand the importance of excellent communication and work at it with you
7. They will push your limits, not bulldoze them; they will be able to read your body and hear what you're not saying
8. They will have a safe word/system in place that you both agree to and respect completely
9. They understand and perform aftercare with attention to detail

Blessed to have found my Dom who gives me all of this and more. Crazy how many out there think that "being rough, choking, etc" is what it means to be a Dom. 💜

[Mi****]

I like to ask what being a Dominant means to them. It’s a simple question that can reveal a lot.

[ne****]

I can usually tell pretty quickly. Mostly from just speaking with them. I am an interviewer/investigator and their words and mannerisms usually reveal their true self soon enough. A lot of fakes and bullies out there for sure. I had my dominant for near 28 years so though I may be back in the game, I know what is truly real and what is not.

[Li****]

Some red flags of mine for “fake doms” are doms who don’t discuss boundaries/ hard limits, start with dirty chat or “hello whore/slave” in their first message and ask for your snapchat / want to meet right away.
Hope this helps a little :)

[Ni****]

Would it pay to develop a non D/S connection first ?

Obviously getting to know anyone really well takes time, so building up trust in a D/S relationship might pose similar challenges.

It would be great if there were a few easy questions that would out any fakers or undesirables but I don’t know if deliberately ‘tricking’ someone into saying something is a good way to go about it?
Perhaps I’ve misunderstood what you’re asking for here though ?

[Sw****]

First of all I'm sorry to hear about your experience, it is almost impossible to find a good reliable dom but when you do it's unbelievable.
It takes a lot of screening, chatting and relying on your gut.
If you want tell me where you are from and I'll be happy to help you out to find the right one and/or be here to consult and guide
Hope you are ok and please feel free to contact me

[Ge****]

Dying to see more subs feedback on this one. Where's the line between too much vanilla conversation, not taking yourself too seriously, smiling in photos, but feeling that pivot to Dom like conversation in an online setting versus irl?

[do****]

Keep them talking. They'll tell on themselves eventually. Lies are hard to keep up with. Once you catch them in a lie, drive it home, they usually give up, ghost or block you

[Spanker1971]

From a Dom’s point of view, I always try to approach people here politely and respectfully, just like you would meeting anyone in real life. Getting to know somebody first and building trust should be the first step in any relationship, however there will always be exceptions of those in here just wanting to get themselves off quickly. It’s all about what you’re after I guess?

[ho****]

true. just had someone completely flake on me. call me naïve but i assumed Doms would be a little more punctual and reliable? way to fill a sub with doubt!

in terms of finding a Dom, it doesn’t seem to be all that different from vetting people when normie dating. i’d ask why they enjoying being a Dom, what they enjoy about it *specifically*, do they switch at all? (i prefer a strict Dom, not switches.) are they a sadist or do they prefer giving pleasure (important distinction!)? there are different flavors of Domming: soft Dom, gentle Dom, Daddy Dom, brat tamer, etc. It’s important to know what they are into as much as it important for them to know what you are into. i’ve also found that if a Don doesn’t state their boundaries up front, or worse, says they have NO boundaries, that’s a big red flag for me.

[Pervy_Paul]

Instinct is best. If they're in a hurry, want your contact details immediately, think they can tell you what to do. They have no idea. I like to leave them that way so it's nice and obvious for the next person 😉

[Th****]

Ask them what they would do if a boundary you had agreed upon beforehand (such as no penile penetration), you begged them to do in the middle of the scene. What would they do?

[ma****]

As an experienced dom, I completely agree with this, one of my peeves are boys that watch 50 shades of gray and think they can be a dom, they think its all about control, *** and basically ***.

Obviously I can't really assist in red flags as I'm on the other end of the question, just felt I needed to say something in support of your post

[La****]

Assume they are all full of shit and you'll be grand lol Oh the stories i could tell you ,Go with your instincts and laugh at the bull shit? Ask a load of questions and if they don't answer or get the question wrong... move on lol

[Astrobek]

These "Doms" are dangerous most don't even have limits so you can bet they won't respect yours!

I find just talking to them gives them the opportunity to out themselves. I don't have set questons I ask but i do ask what they're expectations are of their sub are each time, maybe not that directly but I ask. Their answer tells a lot.

Also talking about the non-vanilla things gives you more of sense of who they are and it's who they are as person that makes a good Dom not the kink they're here for.

[Deleted Member]

Spotting fakes:
1. Asks for pics immediately
2.will ask for a meeting that includes sex.
3. they are more concerned about their wants and needs than yours.
4. Wants you to call them master, sir, or own off the bat.
5. Want to collar you asap and make you their slave.
6. Doesn't want to be around you except for sex play.
7. Will try to Dom you before the relationship starts.
8. Doesn't want to use safe words.
9. Doesn't know the difference between a Dom and a master, sir, owner.

[gi****]

So glad this question was asked. Enjoying reading the different perspectives.

[Ri****]

1 hour ago, EDM_RaveDad said:

Spotting fakes:
1. Asks for pics immediately
2.will ask for a meeting that includes sex.
3. they are more concerned about their wants and needs than yours.
4. Wants you to call them master, sir, or own off the bat.
5. Want to collar you asap and make you their slave.
6. Doesn't want to be around you except for sex play.
7. Will try to Dom you before the relationship starts.
8. Doesn't want to use safe words.
9. Doesn't know the difference between a Dom and a master, sir, owner.

Great list, very similar to what I’ve recommended to several subs. Thanks for posting.

[Ki****]

A good Dom wiill want to know you and will ask you questions, ask you about what you DON'T like and what you like - kink and normal life.
See if they want to have a video call and how often they communicate.
Also ask them what they want out of the dynamics
How was it with their last sub.
See if they agree to meet in coffee shop and would they travel to meet you or expect you to travel to meet the Dom
Discuss your limits and see what is their position
Also be ready to answer the above from a Dom too.
Hope this helps

[Bo****]

7 hours ago, Aeonova said:

Imho - be friendly and see if they're actually friendly and kind back. If any topics of convo come up regarding other people and their behaviour and the dom is very judgemental, red flag. Continue a message only relationship for a while so that you can see if they're consistent overtime, which is essentially you building up an idea of whether they are trustworthy.

Them being understanding, kind and genuinely warm and enthusiastic, at appropriate times, is my yardstick.

See how you feel when you're talking to them.

Then when first meeting, again, see how you feel.

I will say - if you're asking this question, you obviously don't have the ability yet to judge character very well. Simply talking to to them should be enough to let you see exactly who they are, pretty fast.

As such, you can be easily misled. A person can make you feel very comfortable, even if they aren't a very good person, and you'll have no idea. Worse, the fact you feel happy around such a person will be a sign that you subconsciously want a person who will treat you poorly at some point. It's chemistry caused by subconscious issues. So, basically, a *** person will be attracted to a person who isn't a very good person, and not at all attracted to a genuinely good person.

Also, some people who are "bad" don't themselves really know it. It will come out later on, and will even be a surprise to them.

Go slowly with everything while you build up your experiences and ability to judge character. Some of your learning will come from mistakes, which is simply part of life.

BTW, just FYI, this kinda approach applies to doms for meeting subs too. Some of them are pretty bad people. It applies to everyone.

Thank you for your perspective. I would say I’m questioning my judgement, I thought I was good at it.

[Bo****]

7 hours ago, TallBastard said:

If I were a sub vetting someone, I’d ask them to tell me what their biggest mistake they ever made with a sub was, and what they learned from it. Whatever they tell you, weigh their answers carefully, but more importantly, if they say they don’t make mistakes, that would be a huge red flag for me. It would show they are either unaware of their mistakes or refuse to acknowledge them. Nobody is perfect, everyone makes mistakes from time to time, that’s how we grow.

Thank you, I’m going to add this!

[Bo****]

5 hours ago, NiceKindDaddy said:

Would it pay to develop a non D/S connection first ?

Obviously getting to know anyone really well takes time, so building up trust in a D/S relationship might pose similar challenges.

It would be great if there were a few easy questions that would out any fakers or undesirables but I don’t know if deliberately ‘tricking’ someone into saying something is a good way to go about it?
Perhaps I’ve misunderstood what you’re asking for here though ?

Not tricking the Dom, but something for me to think about and use

[70****]

I honestly love being a Dom for the aftercare. It’s one of the most important parts of having that dynamic. Even if you go so far as to find and hook up with someone, if they aren’t involved in aftercare then it’s not even worth it .

[Ginger81381]

If they're loud up front and ordering before they've earned that trust position they're not a Dom. They demand titles and respect without earning it, not a Dom.