Tricks to vet a Dom

[Da****]

I generally eschew pickup play as I need a connection and chemistry to put in the kind of effort to Top or Dom a bottom or sub that I commit too. Plus, I’m not a kink dispenser. So I always ask if they’re down to make a connection first. If not, no biggie. Just not for me.

[Os****]

D/s

Isn't inherent about *** focused and violent (Is about taking and giving Power in empowered way)

Important Communication
(The boundaries are Yours)
~ Does & Don't.
~ Save Word / Increase Sing.

☆ Common Sense ☆

[Deleted Member]

16 hours ago, EDM_RaveDad said:

Spotting fakes:
1. Asks for pics immediately
2.will ask for a meeting that includes sex.
3. they are more concerned about their wants and needs than yours.
4. Wants you to call them master, sir, or own off the bat.
5. Want to collar you asap and make you their slave.
6. Doesn't want to be around you except for sex play.
7. Will try to Dom you before the relationship starts.
8. Doesn't want to use safe words.
9. Doesn't know the difference between a Dom and a master, sir, owner.

Let's make this easier. The following titles generally fit each of the 2 personalities:

Dom: Classic, Gentle, Daddy/Mommy

Sadistic: Master, Mistress, Sir, Owner

A. If a potential partner lists caregiver, aftercare, tamer, trainer, teacher, and guide, you have a higher chance they are real.

B. If they list the owner, master, mistress, masochist, or degrader, there's a higher chance they are a sadistic sir.

If they list more of "A" than "B" there's a chance they can perform "B", but there will be a lot of rules, guidelines, and protocols in place to protect the emotions and mentality of both partners.

In reality, the Dominators' primary goal should be the emotional, mental, and physical well-being of their submissive partner.

The Sadistics' primary goal is their own personal satisfaction over the slaves emotional and mental stability.

[Fu****]

13 hours ago, OsPando said:

D/s

Isn't inherent about *** focused and violent (Is about taking and giving Power in empowered way)

Important Communication
(The boundaries are Yours)
~ Does & Don't.
~ Save Word / Increase Sing.

☆ Common Sense ☆

Sorry for being a naïve silly billy but what's "increase sing"

[pa****]

Honestly, at this point I'm thinking about making a whole Google form to vet people. 😅

[VK****]

The number 1, Most Bigly Red Flag Ever, North Korean Style, to hunt for above all others......
Empathy
Google Dark Triad.

Narcs, Machs and Psychos...one ring to bind them all. A total lack of empathy.
Here's a jolt. Add 'true' Sadists to make the Dark Tetrad. They care not for you, only that you suffer for them. 

Plenty of harrowing suff happening in the world daily. Often locally. Regrettably... sometimes personally with family and friends. Drop it into the convo and judge the response. Beware. Some are 'wise' enough to know they're expected to answer in a certain way. So...check for sincerity...and bring a few more examples into the convo if unsure. They'll get irritable.

[po****]

Once I have asked a ton of questions and chatted for minimum a week. Normally these weeds out the ones that want a quick f**k.
Then I ask them if they want to meet in a public place. You can read people’s body language and see what kind of person they are. If they respect you or if they get touch feels.
If everything goes good and we have fun I never jump strange into d/s play. If they are a true dom they will respect this. After that I start the d/s relationship slowly.

[Os****]

11 hours ago, Fusilier said:

Sorry for being a naïve silly billy but what's "increase sing"

Sorry auto corrector "Increase Sign" is the opposite of Save Word

[Fu****]

11 minutes ago, OsPando said:

Sorry auto corrector "Increase Sign" is the opposite of Save Word

Thanks 🙏

[Ve****]

I’m so glad you brought this up. Recently, I met a Dom who was insistent on restraining me despite my blatant opposition. He kept saying we would use a safe word and if I used it everything would stop. I cancelled our plans. Safe words are not a way to entice someone to consent to anything they are uncomfortable with. Something I’ve been asking lately is: “what does being dom mean to you?”. If the answer is not in agreement with what want in a dom or what I should a dom should say, it’s over.

[Ru****]

Hello just seen your post
My partner is a sub and has been in this lifestyle for approximately 6 - 7 years now.
I just learned about 2 years ago that I’m a Dom in this world.
So from my understanding of both the roles is a sub communicates with his or her Dom what they are willing to allow there Dom to do.
Now this still doesn’t mean the Dom can go all free Willy nilly on the sub or *** the authorization the sub gives them.
But set the parameters for the Dom to ask permission to do certain things.
Now the Dom can also ask permission to do things outside the parameters that were already set but the sub does not have to give permission if she is uncomfortable with the situation, but everything that the Dom does Hass to be given permission by the sub, and the sub Hass to be willing The terminologies oh, so submissive and dominant or are actually contrary to what dictionary term definitions are there roles are actually Innoway reverse. The submissive really has the control where the dumb is the one having to ask permission Adam never wants to make the submissive ever feel uncomfortable the Dom should be eager to please, the submissive and the submissive should be eager to receive the pleasure.
This is just my understanding of the roles on this topic.

[Al****]

There absolutely is a difference between A**holes and genuine.
Be safe out there Ladies. I love you all!

[Pl****]

Something I’ve seen done before is that I was told that something personal happened and they need some space. Green flag if you give that space and you are still willing to chat after they come back.

[ru****]

I’m a primal it’s way different, we use the word no and that’s what it means,

[Deleted Member]

There are some really great suggestions in here already, but honestly being that trust and communication are the cornerstone of these relationships I dont see the harm in adding some more! Some things will come up in conversation organically and others I will ask specifically (Ex: "Do you mind if I ask you some questions about your experience as a Dom? I like to have an idea since we all define things (having experience) differently?).

What does a D/s relationship look like to you?
What do you enjoy most about being a Dom?
Can you explain how you perform "aftercare" and why not if you don't?
What is the worst mistake you've made as a Dom?
What do you want to do to a slave/submissive you haven't done yet? Dream scene?

I have tons more (a literal document with questions. Is it overkill? yes. Do I ask them all? no. But as someone who tends to be an anxious overthinker I like having information and details to put myself at ease, and that's not going to change when it comes to a scene so better he figures that out now! lol). But the point is to suss out levels of respect, experience, and self-control he has for me.

Red flags are using honorifics without permission. Slapping down a list of rules without any discussions prior. Trying to coerce into something you're not ready for or something on your hard limit list. Attempting to take over more control than you're comfortable with.

And honestly there are some fundamental differences you want to know in advance. Submissive vs bottom vs slave, etc. Do you want to be treated as property? Are they a sadist? (If they are, and you hate ***, that's gonna be tough to navigate for example). Do they top multiple people? Do you want a romantic relationship plus the kink dynamic?

All things important to make sure you know before getting in too deep with someone.

[li****]

This is always such a great question to see because there's never one right way to do things.

Personally, beyond the "vibe check" (that is easily 50% or more for me), I like to ask their philosophical understanding of how SSC, RACK and/or PRICK affects the way they'd interact not just with kink, but with other situations too.

Beyond that, I look at how they handle boundaries. In all regards, not just sex/kink. Do they follow through with expectations? Do they respect my time, need for personal space, my right to have conflicting opinions?

Do they care about the foundations of the dynamic as a whole? Are they willing to hear about the experiences that have molded me into the person I am today and are they able to respect those as reference points as to not just triggers, but also growth potential?

Are they able to pivot conversation away from sex/kink on the drop off a dime? Or is it a hyperfixation? This suggests their ability to move immediately to aftercare from a scene if a safe word is used. If they can't switch lanes in conversation, how can I trust they'd do so in a moment of vulnerability?

How secure are they when it comes to dealing with emotions, both their own and others around them? Are they strong enough to risk their own vulnerability with others they trust? Are they able to sit comfortably with others who share *** moments with them, offering appropriate levels of silence, empathy, and respect without having to be an immediate savior, hero, fixer or dismissing someone else's experience as invalid if it doesn't meet up with their idea of worthy?

[Ve****]

4 hours ago, lilith1981 said:

This is always such a great question to see because there's never one right way to do things.

Personally, beyond the "vibe check" (that is easily 50% or more for me), I like to ask their philosophical understanding of how SSC, RACK and/or PRICK affects the way they'd interact not just with kink, but with other situations too.

Beyond that, I look at how they handle boundaries. In all regards, not just sex/kink. Do they follow through with expectations? Do they respect my time, need for personal space, my right to have conflicting opinions?

Do they care about the foundations of the dynamic as a whole? Are they willing to hear about the experiences that have molded me into the person I am today and are they able to respect those as reference points as to not just triggers, but also growth potential?

Are they able to pivot conversation away from sex/kink on the drop off a dime? Or is it a hyperfixation? This suggests their ability to move immediately to aftercare from a scene if a safe word is used. If they can't switch lanes in conversation, how can I trust they'd do so in a moment of vulnerability?

How secure are they when it comes to dealing with emotions, both their own and others around them? Are they strong enough to risk their own vulnerability with others they trust? Are they able to sit comfortably with others who share *** moments with them, offering appropriate levels of silence, empathy, and respect without having to be an immediate savior, hero, fixer or dismissing someone else's experience as invalid if it doesn't meet up with their idea of worthy?

A great response.

[wo****]

Try talking to the subs they have had before

[Bo****]

19 hours ago, lilith1981 said:

This is always such a great question to see because there's never one right way to do things.

Personally, beyond the "vibe check" (that is easily 50% or more for me), I like to ask their philosophical understanding of how SSC, RACK and/or PRICK affects the way they'd interact not just with kink, but with other situations too.

Beyond that, I look at how they handle boundaries. In all regards, not just sex/kink. Do they follow through with expectations? Do they respect my time, need for personal space, my right to have conflicting opinions?

Do they care about the foundations of the dynamic as a whole? Are they willing to hear about the experiences that have molded me into the person I am today and are they able to respect those as reference points as to not just triggers, but also growth potential?

Are they able to pivot conversation away from sex/kink on the drop off a dime? Or is it a hyperfixation? This suggests their ability to move immediately to aftercare from a scene if a safe word is used. If they can't switch lanes in conversation, how can I trust they'd do so in a moment of vulnerability?

How secure are they when it comes to dealing with emotions, both their own and others around them? Are they strong enough to risk their own vulnerability with others they trust? Are they able to sit comfortably with others who share *** moments with them, offering appropriate levels of silence, empathy, and respect without having to be an immediate savior, hero, fixer or dismissing someone else's experience as invalid if it doesn't meet up with their idea of worthy?

Thank you for adding there are somethings on here I hadn’t thought of which are amazing.

[Deleted Member]

Don’t rush, internet is your friend. A true Dom will always learn and get to know you, make you feel comfortable no matter what kind of intensity you enjoy.

It’s about knowing each other and building connection before getting wet. Stay away from pushers.

[da****]

I'm a Dom and in my life and all I have always made my sub feel important, listen to them, don't ignore them or act like they don't matter, always make sure that you find out their interests and likes and try to include it in with your interests and likes, ask them their opinion and talk to them don't act like their a object and don't have a voice, but most importantly though remember they are a sub yes but their willing to let you dominate them cause they trust you it's not that they have to. Don't damage or destroy that trust otherwise they will leave and start to pull away from you. A subs trust is a necessity in being a Dom.

[Bo****]

7 hours ago, da2022deathsangel said:

I'm a Dom and in my life and all I have always made my sub feel important, listen to them, don't ignore them or act like they don't matter, always make sure that you find out their interests and likes and try to include it in with your interests and likes, ask them their opinion and talk to them don't act like their a object and don't have a voice, but most importantly though remember they are a sub yes but their willing to let you dominate them cause they trust you it's not that they have to. Don't damage or destroy that trust otherwise they will leave and start to pull away from you. A subs trust is a necessity in being a Dom.

Thank you!

[Os****]

Hello Kinksters,
You don't realize that the one who really has the power is the Sub and she gives us the opportunity to exercise it in an empowered way, within the limits that she gives us.
This is the precious gift she gives to her Dom.

[ey****]

5 hours ago, OsPando said:

You don't realize that the one who really has the power is the Sub and she gives us the opportunity to exercise it in an empowered way, within the limits that she gives us.

I think some of this is a little tone deaf in the realms of the topic

if a sub finds her/theirself in a relationship with a Dominant who is a bully, abusive, manipulative, etc etc etc then "the sub holds all the power" is even less true than it is normally (because in wider scenarios - Dominants also have limits, boundaries, safewords, etc etc etc)
 

If a sub is tied down and the Dominant refuses to stop with screams, safeword, etc (maybe even coerced into a 'CNC' scenario) then she has zero power.  So the ideal is to not end up in that situation in the first place.

Equally, if a Dominant takes someone into subspace then there may become an inability to say 'no' etc - so there's really no power there - so the ideal is not to end up in that situation in the first place.

And even in the aftermath - it's not like the Dominant faces any wider consequences : "She didn't say no" (she was in subspace and struggled to communicate) or the old "we agreed CNC so was within my right" which are the types of things where people always end up giving the Dominant a hall pass on.

So, yeah, vetting is about *trying* to avoid those scenarios in the first place. Rather than any twee, and untrue, "the sub holds all the power" 

[MasterDarcy1979]

1. Moving things too fast, lack of patience e.g wanting to collar you or wanting you to address them as "Master", etc, immediately after meeting them and/or being in contact with them. 

2. Willing to collar you even if there's a lack of compatibility. 

3. Lack of communication. A relationship ought to be based on communication and you can only learn about a person through it. 

4. Someone who doesnt want to hear about hard limits. 

5. Lack of respect e.g someone calling you derogatory names and/or expecting you to submit on their initial contact. Respect has to be earned, and so does disrespect. 

6. Someone who isn't interested in you as a human being. 

7. Someone who isn't willing or interested in connecting in an emotional level. 

8. Easy to anger. Actually, any inclination towards anger is a red flag. 

9. Lack of compatibility