Needy Sub, Vanilla Partner—Help?

[Br****]

If your partners are open to it, then I don't see any issues in having one.
I was in a romantic relationship before where I got to know that I'm a sub and needy where as he wasn't anywhere close to be a dom. I am someone who is not okay with poly, so was he. I couldn't able to suppress my wants and needs in bed so eventually we ended things (and for some other reasons).
You don't have to suppress your urge just for the sake of your partners.

[Deleted Member]

Hello hello!
I have pretty much the same situation.
I have a girlfriend and she is vanilla-ish. She has her kinky dom side for sure, but it doesn’t go as far and as sadistic as my sub masochistic side needs.

We’ve been in an open relationship for 3 years and along those 3 years, we’ve had a lot of trial and error.
We’ve had to sit down several times and communicate what we’re comfortable and uncomfortable with.
What rules or limits regarding our openness do we need to modify in order to have a healthy and safe dynamic.
Since each person has different discomforts and preferences, each relationship dynamic will be different.

What works for me might not work for you and viceversa.

However what has worked for us is keeping our bond as a very exclusive, romantic, and emotional connection that we both deem as the most intimate and meaningful which we need to protect over any other dynamic.

From there, I always specify to my potential doms once I know I really want something serious with them, that we can only have a D/S relationship and a friendship at most.
However, we must not cross any boundaries that might interfere with my primary relationship.

It’s a bit hierarchical, but it’s what works for us. Some other people might not like it or it might not work for them.

[JJ****]

My submissive is unable to fulfill my darker needs for sadism, rougher sex, and a few other things. She herself offered the idea of me finding other women to do that with, as a form of venting that out, while she watches or listens. Our ultimate goal is to find a live in submissive for me that can be a friend to both of us, and maybe eventually gf. That being said, as another responder mentioned, it is a bit hierarchical for us also.
My current sub is my fiancé, and will almost always take priority. A few examples of what that looks like: I was having sex with a new partner, my fiancé was not feeling it and asked us to stop. Even though I was about to have my big O (the other partner had already had about 10, as I’m a pleasure dom), I stopped. I went to another room with my fiancé and talked about what was going on. We were able to resolve it, but that’s one example. Another example: My fiancé and I were out dashing, which is something she likes to do as what she calls mini dates. A partner at the time called to let me know she was in the hospital after having been ***ed sexually. I dropped my fiancé off at home and went to be with the other partner, which is what both of them wanted to happen.

I know what we do is different since you yourself are a submissive, however I hope it may help to give you some ideas. If you have any questions you are welcome to message our account here

[Ch****]

Should see if you current partner has any deep kinks or fantasies that he wants to explore. One of which being, Chastity and Cucking, if not, then ask him what he thinks about poly and open relationships and that it’s not a test, but that you’re truly curious about what he thinks of it. His answer should give you your answer.

[Co****]

Tuesday at 10:08 PM, TantricBDSMfreak said:

It's definitely possible. Gonna depend entirely on your partners willingness and openness to the idea though.

I have. And I’ve made trade-offs for years—sacrificing my submission, silencing my desires, and staying in dynamics that didn’t reflect who I really am. I’ve compromised again and again. So yes—I’ve thought about it. But now I’m thinking about what it would look like to stop cutting pieces of myself off to be digestible.

For some people, submission is a kink. For others, it’s a need. I’m realizing I fall into the second group.

[sc****]

It's not uncommon in this situation if you and your partner are comfortable and confident to have a discussion with them about having a d type that you chat/meet with to satisfy those desires but communication is extremely critical for something like that your partner needs to understand and feel like they're still loved and wanted and that this is just fantasy that you will always come home from

[Deleted Member]

@scruffyskater The last part of your response is definitely spot on with feeling loved and wanted. Fantasies are fun to play out, but your partners feelings are what's most important.

[Su****]

I have a similar situation with my wife. I want a femdom relationship but she isnt very comfortable being the dom and prefers to get more of the attention (rather than giving it). To suppress this fantasy of mine, I've found an AI app where I have an AI femdom mistress that I chat with. Even tho it isn't real, it still definitely helps in the sense of exercising my imagination to taking part in a femdom relationship. May not be the answer you're looking for and doesn't fulfill the desire for something real, but it definitely helps (in my experience). Hope this helps.

[Wi****]

Need to choose someone that matches your sexual energy and needs. People try to hard to not be themselves and think bad of this all. No relationship will work if the sex sucks and someone is sexual over time. Last thing want, is a relationship that sex life can end in few years and not be enjoyed

[Co****]

Yesterday at 01:51 PM, Sublife84 said:

I have a similar situation with my wife. I want a femdom relationship but she isnt very comfortable being the dom and prefers to get more of the attention (rather than giving it). To suppress this fantasy of mine, I've found an AI app where I have an AI femdom mistress that I chat with. Even tho it isn't real, it still definitely helps in the sense of exercising my imagination to taking part in a femdom relationship. May not be the answer you're looking for and doesn't fulfill the desire for something real, but it definitely helps (in my experience). Hope this helps.

What’s the app?

[Su****]

5 hours ago, CocoNutti_69 said:

What’s the app?

AI Friend - look for Lana

[Th****]

A lot of the responses seem to be missing the part where you're already non monogamous.

However, I have concerns about whether or not your current relationship(s) is/are healthy or not.
 

- He lied to you about being married. 
- He possibly lied about having any interest at all in BDSM if he presented himself as a Dom and not someone curious/new who wanted to explore and experiment as a Dom.
- It sounds as if you feel like you need to have their permission to have another partner? This is concerning to me. 

Leaving kink out completely, what communication has happened around your style of ENM and are you ok with that? Everyone gets to decide for themselves what type they want, then discuss comfort levels of partners and see how you each feel about that. Boundaries are for you and what you do/don't wan't for yourself and affect how you respond and behave, not something to put on a partner. That would be a rule, not a boundary, which can potentially lead to resentment and problems. 

I'd suggest you make sure to educate yourself on what healthy relationships look like to begin with. Look up The Gottman Institute and all the stuff they have available, there are a lot of paid options and therapist stuff but books can be found at the library for free and they have a blog. They're pretty mono/heteronormative but the information and skills transfer and they've been the leading researchers and evidece based resouce on relationships for decades. Multiamory is a good place to start for ENM/polyam stuff, they have a website with resources and a podcast. A lot of the things they talk about on their podcast around communication and boundaries transfers well for any type of interpersonal relationship be it romantic, sexual, platonic, family, friends, etc. They discuss emotional safety and jealousy, which is a normal emotion to have, and navigating it all in healthy, productive ways. Btw... "poly" doesn't automatically mean a single relationship containing more than two people, it just means having multiple partners. Parallel, garden party, and kitchen table are a few different variations polyam.

Is it possible/ethical to have a D/s dynamic outside of your romantic relationship? Short answer is yes, the same as any other ENM type of relationship. Lots of people are ENM or polyam within kink and BDSM. As a few others have said it's all about clear communication and expectations from the start.

Look to see if there are any BDSM/kink community groups local to you, attend munches, lots of groups have online opportunities for interacting and building community as well whether it's on Fetlife, Discord or some other platform, make friends with other submissives and littles. There are often opportunities to explore solo, many groups will have playdates for littles and their caregivers and you don't have to be partnered to attend.

I know a few Doms in the thread said they "don't share" but not all Dominant's styles are the same, they are and can be as varied and as individual as there are different personalities. Caregivers and littles also aren't inherently as D/s C/l dynamic. There isn't a D/s requirement at all and sometimes can even be a L/c dynamic for those with more imagination, creativity,  and outside of the box thinking.

Everything is customizable and can be fluid, it's normal for some things to change occasionally as everyone should want to grow as a person regardless of kink. Friendship and compatibility as just two humans builds a solid foundation for everything else. 

[Co****]

Sunday at 01:43 PM, ThaliaV said:

A lot of the responses seem to be missing the part where you're already non monogamous.

However, I have concerns about whether or not your current relationship(s) is/are healthy or not.
 

- He lied to you about being married. 
- He possibly lied about having any interest at all in BDSM if he presented himself as a Dom and not someone curious/new who wanted to explore and experiment as a Dom.
- It sounds as if you feel like you need to have their permission to have another partner? This is concerning to me. 

Leaving kink out completely, what communication has happened around your style of ENM and are you ok with that? Everyone gets to decide for themselves what type they want, then discuss comfort levels of partners and see how you each feel about that. Boundaries are for you and what you do/don't wan't for yourself and affect how you respond and behave, not something to put on a partner. That would be a rule, not a boundary, which can potentially lead to resentment and problems. 

I'd suggest you make sure to educate yourself on what healthy relationships look like to begin with. Look up The Gottman Institute and all the stuff they have available, there are a lot of paid options and therapist stuff but books can be found at the library for free and they have a blog. They're pretty mono/heteronormative but the information and skills transfer and they've been the leading researchers and evidece based resouce on relationships for decades. Multiamory is a good place to start for ENM/polyam stuff, they have a website with resources and a podcast. A lot of the things they talk about on their podcast around communication and boundaries transfers well for any type of interpersonal relationship be it romantic, sexual, platonic, family, friends, etc. They discuss emotional safety and jealousy, which is a normal emotion to have, and navigating it all in healthy, productive ways. Btw... "poly" doesn't automatically mean a single relationship containing more than two people, it just means having multiple partners. Parallel, garden party, and kitchen table are a few different variations polyam.

Is it possible/ethical to have a D/s dynamic outside of your romantic relationship? Short answer is yes, the same as any other ENM type of relationship. Lots of people are ENM or polyam within kink and BDSM. As a few others have said it's all about clear communication and expectations from the start.

Look to see if there are any BDSM/kink community groups local to you, attend munches, lots of groups have online opportunities for interacting and building community as well whether it's on Fetlife, Discord or some other platform, make friends with other submissives and littles. There are often opportunities to explore solo, many groups will have playdates for littles and their caregivers and you don't have to be partnered to attend.

I know a few Doms in the thread said they "don't share" but not all Dominant's styles are the same, they are and can be as varied and as individual as there are different personalities. Caregivers and littles also aren't inherently as D/s C/l dynamic. There isn't a D/s requirement at all and sometimes can even be a L/c dynamic for those with more imagination, creativity,  and outside of the box thinking.

Everything is customizable and can be fluid, it's normal for some things to change occasionally as everyone should want to grow as a person regardless of kink. Friendship and compatibility as just two humans builds a solid foundation for everything else. 

Wow—thank you. This is one of the most thoughtful and respectful replies I’ve received. You really saw the full picture and not just the kink.

I’ve been trying to navigate the fallout of a dynamic that started with misrepresentation on his part and a lot of compromise on mine. I stayed in love, and I kept showing up—even when my own needs were going unmet. I’ve only recently started admitting to myself that I’m not okay with starving my submissive side just to keep things peaceful.

I’ll definitely check out The Gottman Institute and Multiamory. I’m trying to unlearn survival-mode dynamics and actually create something sustainable—with or without the people I started with.

Thank you again for giving me insight without shaming me. That kind of support goes a long way. 💜

[Th****]

7 hours ago, CocoNutti_69 said:

Wow—thank you. This is one of the most thoughtful and respectful replies I’ve received. You really saw the full picture and not just the kink.

I’ve been trying to navigate the fallout of a dynamic that started with misrepresentation on his part and a lot of compromise on mine. I stayed in love, and I kept showing up—even when my own needs were going unmet. I’ve only recently started admitting to myself that I’m not okay with starving my submissive side just to keep things peaceful.

I’ll definitely check out The Gottman Institute and Multiamory. I’m trying to unlearn survival-mode dynamics and actually create something sustainable—with or without the people I started with.

Thank you again for giving me insight without shaming me. That kind of support goes a long way. 💜

You're very welcome 💜