Needy Sub, Vanilla Partner—Help?

[Co****]

Hi everyone,

I’m a bratty, service-oriented, little-leaning submissive currently in a long-term romantic relationship with a vanilla-ish partner. I also have a girlfriend who’s sweet and supportive, but not dominant either.

Here’s where I’m struggling:
I’ve tried to suppress it. I thought maybe my boyfriend or girlfriend could “learn to be my Dom.” But the reality is, it’s not in them—and I don’t want to *** it.
Now I’m wondering:

👉 Is it possible (or ethical) to have a Dominant when I’m already romantically involved with others?
👉 Have any of you maintained a submissive dynamic outside your primary romantic relationship?
👉 What did that look like? Virtual? In person? Poly? Parallel dynamics?
👉 How did you handle boundaries, jealousy, and emotional safety?

I’m not trying to replace anyone—I just want to stop starving the submissive side of me that’s aching for real structure, sexual ownership, and emotional intensity.

I’d love insight from other brats, subs, or Doms who’ve walked this path.

Thanks in advance 💜

TL;DR:
I’m a bratty submissive in a mostly vanilla romantic relationship. Is it possible to have a Dom and keep my current relationship? Is that a real thing people do, and how does it work?

 

[jc****]

First it works with honesty and communication. If they love you then they will support you. Especially how you said you don't want to replace them or understand they just aren't going to be able to provide you with your needs and not blaming them is important. Once you have communicated your needs and ideas with them you can based on them find what you're looking for. You can start online but it won't scratch that itch you deserve. Happy Tuesday 😈

[fl****]

id say talk with your partner and see how they feel abt adding a third dom into the mix so they dont feel left out

[Su****]

Hi there! As a poly sub with 3 partners currently (2 long distance, and one i live with), the hunt for a local dominant partner is....challenging, to say the least 😅 you could try online, but honestly, it just doesn't....do the trick.

It is possible, though. The main thing i say is that you need open and honest communication. If you feel as though that part of you is needing attention, make sure to let your partners know that it is nothing that they are lacking. But its more something that you need more of. If its not them to be more dominant, then its not them.

Please, if nothing else, make sure that communication is first and foremost 🩵 I dont think i could have made it through the last 6 years or so without my partners.

If you need a subby, service-oriented, and little leaning friend, im here 🩵

[ha****]

Red flags everywhere here for me. I think you owe your vanilla boyfriend an honest explanation about the person he's REALLY with, sounds like you have gotten into a relationship hoping to change him secretly but now you've made your mind up that you can't and want to get it from someone else? He's vanilla and you expect him to be emotionally stable with you being dominated by another man whilst maintaining a romantic relationship? This is why honesty and communication are vital in kink right from the startz outside of common decency.

[Si****]

As long as your partners okay with sharing you then ethically your fine then but it's something you should communicate with any dom you try to get

[ev****]

Discuss it with your partner, you both have needs and regardless of how long you've been together you should determine whether going forward is the right move. if you do decide to stay together, then there should be a common ground or compromise where everyone involve is satisfied with the relationship

[Ef****]

I ended up splitting from my vanilla husband because my sub side was screaming at me to do something. That was 32 years ago and I’m so glad l did. I met a number of doms, one off whom l spent 6 months as his sub, and then at the end of that year met the dom l spent 30 years with. Romance did eventually follow and we were married for 26 years until his death 2 years ago. I want looking for romance back then but what followed was an extraordinary marriage which Lord repeat again if l could. In my heart I’m always his sub.

[Mi****]

You totally can have a dom outside your romantic relationships. Sounds like you’re already in a non monogamous setup so it’s definitely should be easier for you to achieve this. That’s the beauty of non monogamy. You can have various types of ongoing relationships (romantic/sexual/queer platonic) that serve different purposes

[Ds****]

I've seen it in other replies, but it always bears repeating - COMMUNICATION. Talk to your partners openly and honestly about your needs and desires. If they are not open to exploring a D/s dynamic, them don't *** it or 'shame' then into it. It sounds as though you are already in a poly relationship now, so adding another partner to satiate those needs. That may be the way to go, but only if it is consensual for all involved. If you are not all on board with that type of relationship, and your needs are not being met, then it may be time to reconsider your current dynamic. In any case, don't make any rash decisions, and ALWAYS keep the lines of communication open and honest.
As for how to proceed once that discussion is done, it largely depends on your local resources. See if there is a local link community you can get involved in. Start off going to a Munch or a class if there are any around. They are a great way to meet like-minded people without jumping into anything. If those are limited, then online is your next best thing. Use caution, however, as we all know how reliable internet hookups can be.

[Co****]

You might consider a pro. Thats it. Thats the suggestion. Consider it.

[An****]

Non monogamy can be very rewarding but communication is so so important! Be sure to discuss with your partner(s) boundaries and build trust

[my****]

I don’t want to share my toys. So as long as you’re upfront with your situation it shouldn’t be a problem.

[Co****]

3 hours ago, hardfun said:

Red flags everywhere here for me. I think you owe your vanilla boyfriend an honest explanation about the person he's REALLY with, sounds like you have gotten into a relationship hoping to change him secretly but now you've made your mind up that you can't and want to get it from someone else? He's vanilla and you expect him to be emotionally stable with you being dominated by another man whilst maintaining a romantic relationship? This is why honesty and communication are vital in kink right from the startz outside of common decency.

I was honest from the beginning that I was a bratty submissive, at the time he told me he was a single Dom. The dynamic lasted a few months before he told me he wasn’t into most of what I needed from a Dom, which I told him was fine because I loved him and as a service sub I’ll put myself in a box to please him. Then after a year and a half of being bf/gf he admitted to me that he was married and his wife wanted him to come home. I broke up with him and was ready to move on until his wife messaged me saying he really loved me and if I really loved him we could all figure a way to work things out. Two years later , we’ve been a throuple and I still don’t have a Dom. So he knows who he’s REALLY with. He just doesn’t care.

[Deleted Member]

Look, the essence of any relationship, kinky or not, is still the same: trust, love, desire. Just be honest with yourself.

[je****]

Wya?

[Deleted Member]

I am currently in this dynamic but from the dom side. My wife is a romantic/vanilla relationship. I expressed the craved to have a sub really same situation. It took a while, but eventually, with lots of reassurance, she is now fine and even befriends my subs.
In my opinion, honesty is key to letting your partner know, and as long as all parties are OK, search for a Dom.

[Co****]

Thank you to those who offered constructive insight—I appreciate it. For those assuming I haven’t communicated, just to clarify: I told my partner I was a submissive from the beginning. He presented himself as a Dom, but later revealed he wasn’t into fulfilling that role. I stayed anyway and tried to make it work out of love. I later found out he was married, and despite everything, we’ve remained together in a consensual throuple dynamic. So no—I’m not hiding anything or manipulating anyone. I’m just finally reaching a point where I can’t silence my own submissive needs anymore. I want to explore what that could look like ethically, and that’s why I asked this community for insight—not judgment.

[Co****]

1 hour ago, jessiesgirl69 said:

Wya?

Michigan

[Co****]

1 hour ago, primexxx said:

I am currently in this dynamic but from the dom side. My wife is a romantic/vanilla relationship. I expressed the craved to have a sub really same situation. It took a while, but eventually, with lots of reassurance, she is now fine and even befriends my subs.
In my opinion, honesty is key to letting your partner know, and as long as all parties are OK, search for a Dom.

I talk to them about being unfulfilled but they just say they’re going to learn more about the dynamics and since nothings changed I just flat out asked them if I could get a Dom and my girlfriend said she’s curious what it would look like and my boyfriend said he needs to collect his thoughts on it

[Deleted Member]

Well just time to wait, but you should be happy and have your needs met. It is unfair to suppress them. Good luck ! I hope everything works out for you!

[Br****]

Have you considered that life is a series of trade-offs and that this aspect of your personality is not the be all end all of experiencing said life? Have you though?

[Ta****]

It's definitely possible. Gonna depend entirely on your partners willingness and openness to the idea though.

[Le****]

I was once the vanilla boyfriend of a woman who had both a dom and a sub. Our relationship didn’t work out for other reasons but I do believe that as long as everyone is open and honest, yes you can have multiple partners that each satisfy different wants/ needs. Call it poly or ENM but the key is honesty. Jealousy will still be a factor but it’s one that can be worked through.

[Re****]

You can always try monogomish, set boundaries with your partner, and have a side peace for the ocational play.