Books and the exploration of your desires

[re****]

 

Books...

 

Here you are, fresh off reading something that made you want. Your heart thuds thinking: yes, Yes, YES! The pages grasped at your desire, the ones that make your heart race and your skin flush while reading. Maybe it makes you think: This is me.  If this brought you here, congratulations. You’ve taken a brave step on a path of self-discovery. 

 

Yes, Self. 

 

You might think all you need is someone to fall off that page and into your lap. Maybe you could live perfectly content in that scenario. You weighed those little things you didn’t like against the broader picture and said yes. Hell, fucking yes! Now you just need to find it in real life, right? All you need to do is find that person who completes you or fulfills the desires, the fantasy, that formed in your head while reading.

 

Hold up for a moment. 

 

If you read this BDSM novel that hit the button just right for you to explore, then you’ve probably also read run-of-the-mill vanilla erotica and romance. We recognize those as fantasy, so why not the content that is kinky? Is it because you know that being kidnapped by a pirate prince won't happen, werewolves aren’t real, and you don't live in regency england?  Maybe it’s because the contemporary novel featured something that is just outlandish enough for us to sigh and say to ourselves, “if only real life were like this.”

 

BDSM is real. It’s a world that explores and maybe even thrives in making fantasy a reality. So maybe you’re saying, “there’s a chance.” Well, just because the book is labeled BDSM doesn’t automatically make it an accurate representation of how things are. The authors are still writing fantasy. They’re taking the guesswork out of relationships so you can just relax and enjoy it. They condense time to a whirlwind and make the characters perfect for each other. Often, they skip communication and maybe even fail to show consent that’s not just implied.

 

So, let’s be honest here, nobody is going to fall off the page exactly as written. They aren’t going to be able to read your mind and they won’t know what you want. In fact, you may not even know what you want.  These ideas you've read, the feelings they made you feel? They exist! However, it takes work. Finding what you want and need out of BDSM and Kink is a crucial step. 

 

Ask yourself, what really made you want? Was it one specific scenario? Did the idea of taking or giving control appeal? Was it the love and trust demonstrated? Or was it how they seemed to read each other, know what the other desired without communicating it? 

 

I’ve read a lot of books where a female submissive is a bit cheeky and purposefully doesn’t listen to her Dominant and he decides to punish her by spanking and he knows just how hard she wants it. It turns her on, a steamy hot sex scene ensues. If this tickled your fancy you might be looking for that and think all Dominants will react the same way if presented with similar behavior. All fun and sexy as sin. Well, not all Dominants are like that. They won’t all like the purposefully misbehaving brat. They won’t all react by giving in to your desire and turning you over their knee. They may make you write a five-page essay on why you did it or make you stand with your nose pressed against a coin. They might not give you what you wanted: the spanking, sexy, fun-ishment. You have to communicate and find someone who wants the same thing.

 

In another book there were three Alpha and Dominant men took one look at a young woman and just knew she would fit perfectly with them. All they needed to do was train her. The entire premise was based around the idea that they knew and gave exactly what she didn’t know she wanted. She had no choice, no opinion, no consent. If she protested they simply showed her how much she liked it and made her body writhe until she fell hopelessly in love with it and them. That is pure fantasy, no alpha or dominant should do that right out the gate. Real people don’t just know what you need. If they think they do, it is likely to go wrong real quick because humans aren’t always right. A relationship like that, fulfilling that fantasy? It comes after consent and communication and it may take years to establish that level of trust and knowing.

 

Take the time to learn how books are similar to but different from real life. 

 

Identify what elements you are looking for, and recognize that books never show every single facet of BDSM and Kink. You’re likely to encounter a lot more. Ideas that make you uncomfortable or turn you on. You’ll be challenged with the realization that: everyone is different! Their dynamics, relationships, and desires may not match the pages of the books and that’s okay. Keep an open mind in your exploration because you might just find you need more or less. 

Edited June 18, 2020 by reasyn

[Cade]

Thank you.

[Jinxy]

This is excellent. I think it's important to realize that the fantasy might not always match up to the reality, especially the fantasy in books. I think many come in with that ideal in their mind and experience disappointment and frustration because they can't find it. Doesn't mean those books aren't fun to read and enjoy, but recognizing that they aren't reality is the first step to figuring out how to actually succeed in your journey to fulfill your kinks and interests.

[ladecino]

Wow! so succinctly and all about my situation!

[WhiskeyDrinker]

9 hours ago, ladecino said:

Wow! so succinctly and all about my situation!

I hope it has helped.

[Ky****]

I must confess I've never been that interested in BDSM books, I much prefer stories where BDSM appears as part of a larger story, often casually so, mind you they can be even worse in terms of risking blurring fantasy with reality

[re****]

36 minutes ago, Kymi said:

I must confess I've never been that interested in BDSM books, I much prefer stories where BDSM appears as part of a larger story, often casually so, mind you they can be even worse in terms of risking blurring fantasy with reality

@Kymi They can, and if you like that may I recommend Kit Rocha? It's set in a clearly fantasy world, has solid external and internal plots, with a lot of kinky stuff mixed in, much of it is quite good.

Edited June 20, 2020 by reasyn

[Leisa]

Excellently done.

[Th****]

On 6/18/2020 at 11:14 PM, reasyn said:

They may make you write a five-page essay on why you did it or make you stand with your nose pressed against a coin.

Actually laughed out loud while reading this part rea.

Excellently written piece and a very good deconstruction of the portrayal of BDSM in modern media.

[Leisa]

Being a brat I too laughed out loud at your brat description. I’m very lucky that Admiral finds my antics cute and funny for the most part and a spanking is generally all that’s needed to correct the behavior. Being a successful brat takes skill and determination to push back a little but not too far. To show respect while making your Dominant laugh. If one wants to become a brat know that it’s a natural behavior and not one that can be learned over time. Love your writing and thank you for sharing.