Am I Being Dominant Enough? The Quiet Struggle No One Talks About

[br****]

A lot of new (and even experienced) Dommes ask themselves this silently:

"Do I seem dominant enough?”
“Am I too soft?”
“Should I be rougher, meaner, more intense?”


Dominance isn’t a performance. It’s a mindset.

You don’t have to shout, slap, or humiliate to be in control. Some of the strongest Dommes command with a whisper, with stillness, with a single raised eyebrow.

Here’s what real dominance often looks like:

Holding eye contact while they squirm.

Giving rules and calmly expecting them to be followed.

Letting silence drag out while they beg for your attention.

Praising them when they’ve earned it and only when they have.


If you're feeling unsure, that’s not a weakness. It means you care about doing it right. That alone makes you a better Domme than most.

[Fl****]

That doesn’t sound like dominance to me, if you’re asking yourself that question, it means you’re playing what you think dominance could be. What you’re describing is basically an asshole. In my years of experiencing men who want to be dominant, I understand that dominance is a presence, it doesn’t steal, it doesn’t humiliate. A sub is not stupid, a sub knows exactly what a Dom should be. If you can’t make your sub submit to you naturally without having to slap them, call them names, humiliate and be mean.. you’re doing it very wrong, you are forcing it. Where is your nurturing nature?

[Ki****]

What is clear to me from your statement and Florina_ response is what I’ve always thought as I’ve grown within the BDSM community.

Everyone is different: With different fetishes, kinks, needs and cravings. No two relationships are the same. A Dom (male) or Domme (female) can represent themselves in different forms for pleasure to discipline, hard to soft….
BDSM is an acronym: Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Subservience, Sadism & Masochism. Those few words cover a multitude of combinations within those sections, that intertwine, that we all either admire or dislike depending on who we are.

My answer is, be yourself, be what you are comfortable with and choose what you like from the BDSM menu of fun.

AND respect others choices within it.

We are all different and just being yourself will attract what YOU are looking for.

[DeviantInside]

Agreeing with the previous commenters.

“Real” dominance is different for everyone… some people like ***, some don’t. Some enjoy *** play, some done.

I’ve only been on the scene for about 20 odd years and my experience has been that those that try to tell you they are a twoo (true) Dom or that there is a “correct” way to be a submissive generally don’t have a clue or are using it as a way to excuse bullying or abusive behaviours.

I have never spent time worrying if I’m “dominant enough”. I am just me. I spend a lot of time looking into how to do things safely or better but outside of that I am just me… connection is way more important to me and I’m not going to find that if I am pretending to be something I’m not or trying to play up to some false ideal of what I think I should be.

[Laycette]

There is a difference between Dominance and being domineering. A Dominant knows that their polite requests are Orders, a quiet tone is more effective than a raised voice in most circumstances. You reserve the right tools for the right time. The most important things to remember are these: 1, you must have and exhibit self-control before you attempt to control another. 2, that dominance is something you project; if unsure, simply pause, decide and direct. You can change your mind if you like, but be directive and clear.

[br****]

Absolutely agree thank you for putting it so clearly.

Connection over performance, always.
It’s easy to get caught up in expectations what a “real” Domme should sound like, look like, act like but the truth is, the most powerful dynamics I’ve seen were built from authenticity, not theatrics.

You saying “I am just me” is exactly what I hope more people realize.
Intentional, informed, and connected beats “textbook Domme” every single time.

Thanks for sharing your perspective it adds real weight to the conversation.

[Do****]

4 hours ago, Florina_ said:

That doesn’t sound like dominance to me, if you’re asking yourself that question, it means you’re playing what you think dominance could be. What you’re describing is basically an asshole. In my years of experiencing men who want to be dominant, I understand that dominance is a presence, it doesn’t steal, it doesn’t humiliate. A sub is not stupid, a sub knows exactly what a Dom should be. If you can’t make your sub submit to you naturally without having to slap them, call them names, humiliate and be mean.. you’re doing it very wrong, you are forcing it. Where is your nurturing nature?

Completely disagree with this. That’s not a description of an asshole. Dommes come in many different types and have many different styles. But they are human beings and just as likely as anyone to wonder how their style compares. You see videos of Dommes and they’re usually Dominatrix style. Very harsh. You don’t as much see the softer style of Domming. And then the subs look for different styles. Makes a Domme wonder whether their style fits. It doesn’t mean they’re not a Domme, just means they’re reflecting on their style, which is completely human.
.
To Dommes I would say find your own style, whatever comes naturally to you, and the subs that fit that. But don’t feel committed to it. Let yourself evolve as it may change over time. Try out different styles in different situations. It’s all fun!

[Fl****]

2 hours ago, DommeDelight said:

Completely disagree with this. That’s not a description of an asshole. Dommes come in many different types and have many different styles. But they are human beings and just as likely as anyone to wonder how their style compares. You see videos of Dommes and they’re usually Dominatrix style. Very harsh. You don’t as much see the softer style of Domming. And then the subs look for different styles. Makes a Domme wonder whether their style fits. It doesn’t mean they’re not a Domme, just means they’re reflecting on their style, which is completely human.
.
To Dommes I would say find your own style, whatever comes naturally to you, and the subs that fit that. But don’t feel committed to it. Let yourself evolve as it may change over time. Try out different styles in different situations. It’s all fun!

Domme is the term for a dominant woman

[Do****]

1 hour ago, Florina_ said:

Domme is the term for a dominant woman

It certainly is 😉

[Mi****]

Haha, I was wondering about this very subject last night, I want to find my submissive, and may have, somewhere between a master, and a sugar daddy,LoL, I want to treat my subs as delights, with a little slave thrown in but only during appropriate times, I want to be the dominant, but not to *** or excessive power. I have my own personal limits, and growing up the way I did, around horrible couples in controlling dynamics, has really gave me a different outlook.
I want to be the Dom, that my subs look to with admiration and respect, knowing all their needs will be met. I do not like punishment, unless fully deserved. Which I hope never becomes necessary, I'd rather have a happy sub, any day over a terrified one.

[gk***fan]

At the end of the day, you only have as much control your partner agrees to give you. I think if you have to ask yourself whether or not you are being dominant enough then there is a big gap in communication between you and your sub. Expectations should be established at the start and reevaluated regularly. Additionally, both soft and hard limits should be discussed - both their limits as a sub and your limits as a dom. Safe words for both "Slow Down" and "Stop" should also be fully established as it makes it a lot easier to push into new territory while still being able to communicate in an instant if things start to go too far. It's also a great way to make sure that you and your potential sub are compatible prior to getting into anything and gives you a way to differentiate between "no" as a sub acting out or being a brat and "no" as a person telling you to stop. Lastly, I kind of skimmed over it earlier, but even if you're invested in living the lifestyle 24/7, you need to take the time to step out of your roles on occasion and have a clear discussion about what is going well, what could be better, interest in exploring new kinks, etc.