Is it me?

[As****]

It’s hard for me to talk about this stuff but I have been dealing with a few self-esteem issues. I have a difficult time talking to women and, as a result, I have nobody. I reach out here and there but the times that I do I’m either ghosted or there’s never any follow through. I haven’t had sex or any kinky date in over a year, and not for a lack of trying. I tend to tip toe around the discussion of sex because I’m afraid of coming across as creepy or needy. I use to have an easier time and I don’t know what happened along the way to make me this way but here I am. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take but I might as well be Helen Keller on the basketball court that is life. Any advice on how to deal with this. Please refrain from negative comments, this is not an easy thing for me to do. I’ve deleted this app many times for that reason. TYIA

[Sh****]

Maybe don’t be so hard on yourself . I don’t think it’s you, dating in 2025 is crazy. Everything is so urgent and sped up … as a highly sexual woman I love upfront , direct conversations. But sometimes I tend to calibrate my responses based on the vibe I get. I like how honest this post was feel free to reach out and say hi. I don’t bite…. Unless you want me to.

[ch****]

Sounds like you need to work on your self image. Be that physically or mentally. I’d find something to do to make you feel like you’re improving yourself. Dosent have to be anything crazy, be it going for a walk with music or gym. Defo try and find something you can do that leads to social opportunities, hobbies ect. I’d forget about sex (impossible ik) and focus on you, the dates and sex will come when you feel good about you 🤝

[Ha****]

Learn to love yourself first bro. Once you understand the importance in loving yourself first you'll attract to you what is meant for you. I was there before so I understand. Self love first.

[je****]

TRT

[Ry****]

You aren’t a bad looking dude, I go through dry spells here and there too. Something that has helped me a ton with my confidence is just telling myself “I’m confident, attractive, and I deserve the things I want” maybe give that a try brother. I wish you the best, it’s hard being a man in today’s world :/

[Do****]

The best advice that I can give is to not look for sex, look for friendship. Do the things you like to do, be genuine to yourself and be in spaces that make you happy. A friendly smile or compliment to a person can go a long way and dont feel bad if the reciver doesnt respond in the way you were hoping for. They might be going through things that you have no control over. But if they do decide to open up ask them how they are.

[Ad****]

One way is to chase as you are, the other is to be chosen, the latter takes patience and work.

[Ad****]

Dont be to hard on yourself. I wouldnt be.

[En****]

I can relate to this. I think Adonis pretty much hit the nail on the head… either chase or be chosen. You have to figure pretty much every guy is choosing the former option, and unless you keep at it, your dates will likely go to the more persistent fellow.

[Ne****]

Yeah this happens to a lot of us. Not going to let it get me down. Everything happens for a reason.

[Submissive_summer]

Your not alone in what you are experiencing...... many of us have been in that same place of wondering “what happened” or why things feel harder than they used to..... The truth is.... connection takes time... patience... and a lot of difficulties.....

Its alright to tiptoe and take small steps.....
You dont need to *** things or perform.... the right people will meet you where you are.....

Keep reminding yourself that every “no” or “ghost” is not a reflection of your worth.... its just part of the sorting process in a community where everyones needs and timing are different.....

My advice.... continue being honest about where you are at.... The right connections will come when they are meant to..... and they will appreciate you for being you...

[jj****]

Honestly, dude, I really respect how open and *** you’re being here. I think social interactions these days are just so much more tense than they’ve ever been before. Social media is still really new and we haven’t quite figured out how to make it work well. Now, if someone says something you don’t like, you don’t just get rid of that one thing, you can BLOCK them FOREVER. At the very first uncomfortable exchange, we can now completely sever contact with another person. And that is INSANE when you think about it!

So my honest advice with you is to continue to share your *** moments with others. It sucks and it’s scary, but when you communicate plainly like this, it makes it a whole lot easier for other people to connect with you.

[jj****]

Just now, jjbeanbun said:

Honestly, dude, I really respect how open and *** you’re being here. I think social interactions these days are just so much more tense than they’ve ever been before. Social media is still really new and we haven’t quite figured out how to make it work well. Now, if someone says something you don’t like, you don’t just get rid of that one thing, you can BLOCK them FOREVER. At the very first uncomfortable exchange, we can now completely sever contact with another person. And that is INSANE when you think about it!

So my honest advice with you is to continue to share your *** moments with others. It sucks and it’s scary, but when you communicate plainly like this, it makes it a whole lot easier for other people to connect with you.

V.ul.n.er.a.bl.e 🤨

[Do****]

I know that for myself, im smooth talking naturally, but follow through isn't there either, brother. I never touch on "sex" in any way or innuendos unless she does. That is a catch-22 because.. do I go with her flow or go ham and do me ? Im not a pig, im a respectful, kind, caring guy, but I will only take so much, too. I honestly think that us nice guys....never even join the race anymore. We have been broken and degraded so often that we think it's us. It's not. Men have feelings and emotions just like women, but society says "don't be a pussy". Thats completely backwards and the reason this world is so jacked up. If there were a portion of love, like there is hate.. we could fix this planet properly. I say... you do you and trust your vibe. Every vibe attracts... its just the universal way. Best wishes my man. Be blessed.

[ssssss-5982]

Getting ghosted on here is pretty normal for guys so don’t take it personally, having been where you are - I found that going to some mildly kinky events really helped, people just want to chat and flirt and get to know one another, you feel a lot better in yourself coming away from these sorta places - if you were in the UK I would have recommended *** Garden, check it out - it’s always fun, another thing I’ve done more for my self but it’s helped my self esteem is work on my body in the gym, it’s amazing how much more confident you feel approaching woman when you feel great about yourself (perhaps you do already) I don’t know - but this is just me talking from my own experiences.

[En****]

Well said, Dok. I think you’re right about us nice guys not even joining the race. I think there is something to be wary of when using the persistence method.. I know an old saying that goes something like “if you meet them at the bar, you’re going to lose them at the bar.” Makes me feel like if all I do is wear them down, the next guy will probably not have much trouble doing the same lol. All I can say is I’m right there with ya on this one, had a date cancel tonight even. I could speculate why til the cows come home, but it won’t do me very much good, will it? Any conclusion I reach could be dead wrong anyways because none of us are mind readers. I’m patient and hopeful that something even better will come along eventually, and I implore you to keep a patient and positive outlook such as this in your endeavors.

[ey****]

First off. Sorry to hear you are dealing with self esteem issues.
This is something which of course sucks

However this is something that is worth working on away from kink and relationships - because the issue is that any relationships, or simply potential relationships, are merely band aids - and should they break down or go nowhere that can be worse than them evening happening
Or, it can often lead you into unhappiness if you over-compromise to make things work (this doesn't mean the other person is a bad person, just that they weren't right for you however desperately you tried to make it so)

For some other points.
Some folk, particularly men, feel they *have* to have a woman to talk to and this is something which puts a lot of stock onto other people
One of the big advantages of the kink community is that partaking can often make friends and people to talk to about kink/fetish/sex so you don't have to feel alone, regardless of if this leads to play/relationships or not

Ghosting is a misused term. If you met someone and got home and found there was no contact despite your efforts, you were ghosted
If someone you thought you were going somewhere with simply stops responding, you were not ghosted.

Personally. I both like and dislike the "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" - whilst technically true, the quote is often misunderstood - Wayne Gretzky first said it in frustration of often being asked why he didn't shoot more.
Because he would often pass rather than take the shot himself, despite his impressive goal scoring record, he actually had more assists than goals as he saw things as a team game, where it didn't matter who scored.
But likewise, had he simply constantly hit on sight of goal his overall conversion rate would have been much lower.

A key thing was knowing when it was better to try a shot and whether that would be a wasting the opportunity.

It's also not like one day he turned up to a Hockey Rink and started smashing in goals for fun - he trained hard, studied the game and consistently sought to better himself.
Whilst, of course, he had access to top top coaching and facilities (I guess, just like we all have access to community and resources) this wouldn't have happened had he not put the effort in himself.

Sure. If you don't ask the answer is always no. If you don't shoot you won't score. But Wayne wouldn't have been considered such a great winner if he had a selfish shoot and low conversion rate.

[sardonicus87]

Honestly, might not be you. That's a knee-jerk response you'll get because you're a guy, that if you have no success, you must be doing something wrong, or that you need to work on yourself, or this or that or whatever. The reality is, you maybe just aren't meeting people that are your kind of people, and they might not exist around you at all. It's an unfortunate reality.
.
People love to say just "be yourself and do you and it'll happen", but then if it doesn't for years and years and you feel beat down from it and lonely, people don't want to hear that, they want to believe the myth so they'll say you either must be at fault/need to change or they'll say "then you need to move somewhere else" (without regard to whether you have a career or social ties that you can just drop everything and move on a maybe). Either way, you're not allowed to feel negatively about it or express it, ever, because then that becomes the reason for it ("nobody likes someone so negative", a presumption made as if you're always the way you are in that one moment of expression).
.
It's pretty much a lose-lose situation and always presumed that you're the problem, and your experiences and feelings more often than not will just be invalidated.

[sardonicus87]

A lot of it boils down to luck, and some are just luckier than others, but very few want to admit to that.

[Ha****]

I'd say just go for it man, you can tell someone they're hot and you're interested in banging the hell out of them without being creepy. Maybe not the first time, but you'll get better at it. Don't be scared of rejection, just remember if you do it the right way, even if you get rejected, you still made that person's day. People never get compliments anymore. With enough persistence and audacity, you can turn the numbers in your favor

[Hoadsta]

Is it just self esteem, or a bit of social anxiety? It's hard to know how to respond to some people. Sometimes they want lots of vanilla talk. Others want you at their house ready to pound them. Most sit somewhere in the middle. So unless you are spam messaging something that is more on the aggressive end. I wouldn't read into that too much.

[Se****]

I’m not an expert, but I am a lady. I recommend always being direct. Be direct with the way you portray yourself on your page as well as with what you are looking for. Make sure women can tell if you’re a dom, a sub, a switch… whatever. Don’t leave mixed messages.

[Deleted Member]

Oh, hun, go for it! You are super cute, and I’d totally be into you. Have confidence in how hot you are and be direct. You have no reason to be shy.

[Ot****]

What I learned when I went back on the dating scene after a long term monogamous relationship is that it really helps to be compelling in some way. What is it about you that is going to appeal to the type of people that you’re wanting to attract?