Brand new as Dominant/Online Domme, guidance needed

[BevD687]

Hi, I've been exploring my kinks and have recently agreed to be someone's online Domme after some chatting. He knows I'm inexperienced in the role (I have never been in a D/s relationship as either Domme or sub). We live in different countries so there will not be a physical element. 

I would love to talk to someone who has experience as purely online Dom/Domme. 

One thing I don't know where things lie is the concept of breaking roles and any element of aftercare online.  I dont know how much I should talk to him and ask questions in 'normal' tone. If it was in person, I could be physically Dominant with body language etc but over messages it's different. 

I almost want to ask him how I'm doing, but don't want to break the role and ruin it for him (and me).

So many questions! 

[Wo****]

Turn it into a task for him maybe?
Order him to come up with, say 5 things that you do that he loves and 5 things he doesn't?
Or arrange a progress report chat so you can both go over any niggles and see what needs improving, if anything.

[Paddywack-3112]

Set yourself a time management schedule and strategy.
Preplan his what ,when and where.
And HOW for him.
And go from there

[ey****]

The question for both of you is what do you both want out of this?

He may want you to be always 'in role' (or you may always want to be 'in role') but be aware this is exhausting.

Yes, to aftercare - but a lot of that depends on the play you're doing.

Certainly open communication before you get going properly is very important.   How does he intend to serve you? What do you get out of this?  Is his idea of servitude going through his fetishes? How do you benefit?  What are your fetishes and how do you explore them within this?

[BevD687]

34 minutes ago, Bounty said:

Turn it into a task for him maybe?
Order him to come up with, say 5 things that you do that he loves and 5 things he doesn't?
Or arrange a progress report chat so you can both go over any niggles and see what needs improving, if anything.

This is a great idea, love having him do a task that actually helps the communication too.  I did think of us having a completely seperate chat, for things to be discussed more openly maybe. 

[BevD687]

19 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

The question for both of you is what do you both want out of this?

He may want you to be always 'in role' (or you may always want to be 'in role') but be aware this is exhausting.

Yes, to aftercare - but a lot of that depends on the play you're doing.

Certainly open communication before you get going properly is very important.   How does he intend to serve you? What do you get out of this?  Is his idea of servitude going through his fetishes? How do you benefit?  What are your fetishes and how do you explore them within this?

I think that may have been our "mistake", we jumped into it without setting boundaries or really even talking about the details of how it would work or what specifically we both want from it. It was more a "lets have a go and see" experiment but I'm an over thinker and want to be a good Domme for him, as well as him.be a good sub for me.  It's only very recent so I may suggest we have a full, non in role chat about where we go from here before it gets deeper.

Edited September 12, 2020 by BevD687

[ey****]

13 minutes ago, BevD687 said:

I may suggest we have a full, non in role chat about where we go from here before it gets deeper.

that's a good idea and very important.  What do you want, what can you offer? What does he want, what can he offer?

Whilst I'm not saying this is the case, guys sometimes hone on inexperienced Dominants as a way to milk their fetishes - but ultimately, this has to benefit you.

[bi****]

One good thing to do is a blog where he is instructed to report on what he was told to do, what he did, how he felt etc. That provides feedback for you whilst also encouraging a task system that he cannot avoid doing that should help guide you towards some of the things he likes and doesn't like (but had to do anyway!). I also find that many women like reading such things.

[Koby]

To ensure you are both on the same page - flesh out what you are both seeking . Aftercare is important to some and not important to others. They might just need a check in text for example.

[an****]

Interesting question. I have experience with just such a relationship. (5 years) It can be very complicated but it doesn’t have to be. PM me if you’d like to discuss my experiences and thoughts.

[Deleted Member]

Okay, so I've a few rhetorical questions I'd like you to answer honestly. You don't need to reply but ask them of yourself. 

1) Is your d/s relationship 24/7 or is it a scene by scene thing? Either way communication is the key to successful play. How you decide to do it ultimately is down to you both to discuss. If it's scene by scene - then have a proper discussion as part of aftercare on what worked, what didn't and if he'd change anything about what you did together. If it's 24/7 again no reason you can't encoporate a discussion, be it every time you play, daily or weekly. A check in is always welcome. 

2) Do you have a safeword? Safety is paramount when it comes to kink and bdsm, I hate to sound condescending but it's true. Either way may I suggest a system that works well as a "check in": the traffic light system. Green - keep going. Yellow - can we discuss this first? Red - stop immediately. It's quite effective and you can guage how things are going without breaking role, by just simply asking what their colour is. You can even stay in your domme headspace and put it across abruptly as "colour?".

For me personally communication is the top priority, communication shows you care. And if you don't care about your partner then they're not the right person for you.

[Jinxy-5083]

I found that an online only dynamic requires you to be a lot more flexible with being in role. Whether you’re doing text only or video, it ultimately isn’t the same as in person. As you mentioned, the body language isn’t present so you have to make up for it in other ways... namely, greater communication about how you’re each doing, in the moment and outside of it. I find number systems work well (such as 1-5, how is this feeling for you right now?). It provides a quick check in without breaking the scene too much. And without the nonverbal cues, I find it needed. 
 

As with aftercare, I just asked my partner what they needed from me. Again with it being online, needs (and ability to give) are different. So ask: what would they find helpful in this moment as they come down? 
 

Additionally, as others mentioned instituting a check in day for the week. I made it into a task where my partner at the time had to send me a summary of the week (what worked, what didn’t, any favorites, etc) by a due date. Then I’d look it over and we’d discuss. 
 

I would say the bottom line to remember is that communication is more important than maintaining the role. If you feel something needs to be discussed, then it’s better to break from the role to talk it over than to have it lingering unresolved in the background. 
 

Good luck! 
Jinx