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Hi all. I'm looking for some advice and/or training in exploring becoming a dom. My girlfriend has explored her submissive side in the past and loves it. We've had discussions about it previously. We have complete trust and honesty between us. I've always been curious in my dom side. I'm looking towards restraints, rough consensual sex, orgasm control, whipping/bdsm toys ... If anyone has any advice or is able to point me in another direction for the early part of my journey that would be greatly appreciated. Thanks all and enjoy.

Refreshing to see!!! Good luck in Your journey and may the paths you both walk on be prosperous ones! I'm sorry my input isn't more informed or useful... But the steps Youre taking to become better informed for Your dynamic needed to be applauded. Well done and the best of luck!

If she has previous experience, she can help give some starting points on where would be good to start with her.   I think at least at first, work from a white list (what she does want to do) than flirting too much with limits.  It's worth in situations like yours going along to local munches and talking to others in a similar dynamic about what works for them : doesn't mean it's instantly transferable to yours, but sometimes learning what is not for you is also good.

while people online can offer great advice, being out and about can do wonders.  I also massively recommend workshops : I recently travelled down to London for Kink Lab, which is run by the people who run Club DVS and they had everything from discussions to demos.

Good luck.


If I had to start over again, I'd take some massage classes together...it's part of learning different types of communication and really seeing and feeling your partner...there are other areas of the body that are interesting, plus it helps learn parts of the body to play with and stay away from.

Have a look at relationship dimensions and try and expand both the intimate and non intimate areas of your relationship, where you converge and diverge.

The kinky side...just look up BDSM checklist...it'll help outline different activities to learn about and explore...plus it helps communicate each other different needs and makes you aware of hard limits and soft limits (there is recent article on limits and boundaries "The importance of BDSM boundaries" it is simple, but it is a good starting point).

Learn about your own strengths and weakness, keeping an open mind and be critical of yourself first before your partner.

Learn about "Aftercare"....regardless if your partner does not want...there will be times when it is needed, prepare to give it when it is...

There will be mistakes on both side and there will be tears...drop the ego and make space and time for dealing with them.

Your allowed to laugh and have fun...if your laughing and giggle more, you know your doing this right.

Go low and slow, if in doubt stop...

Lastly, use safe words...think about how they apply to you as well...you will have limits and boundaries, just as much as your partner....the pace is set by the slowest partner, it does not matter if this is you or your partner.

Play safe and have fun...if in doubt ask.




I've always seen there's roughly 2 parts to this - the mechanical bit of what you physically do and the mental side of what you are both getting out of it.

As far as the first part goes it's relatively easy to find out what kinky things you can do but I'd suggest you practice as much as you can on your own before using your new skills on your partner. So, practice knots (and undoing them!) in your own time; if you want to try flogging - practice wielding it on a pillow until you know you can aim and control it; that kind of thing. Also I think it helps to have a sense of what all this feels like for your partner - try whipping that flogger over your shoulder on to your own back, tie the rope around your own wrist and see how it feels. If you both like the idea of you leading her around by a collar, put it around your own neck and give it a yank so you know what she'll be feeling. If you can have a sense of what your partner is experiencing physically it wil be easier to build the empathy to read her and thus be a better Dom.

Oh, and always always make sure you know what is safe and what isn't - I'm thinking about things like where on someone's body you can flog them, how tight and for how long a rope can be tied somewhere, all that technical stuff. As eyemblacksheep says, workshops can be fantastic for this kind of thing.

As for the mental side, that's where the communication comes in - honest, non-judgemental, open. I think there can often be a sense among Doms that they should have all the answers, should never get anything wrong, should be the infallible expert. It's nonsense, of course. You never stop learning and everyone misjudges something from time to time - just keep talking and learn to read each other - if something goes wrong stop, check you're both ok, talk, laugh.

This kind of relationship can be so magically close because you have to open up for it to work well. Don't feel you're responsible for always getting it right, but by all means take responsibilty for making it right! And have fun - lots of fun.

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