My First Dom, My Biggest Lesson

[Deleted Member]

Sometimes the deepest cuts don’t come from whips or rope burns, but from the realisation that the person holding the rope was never really a Dom at all.

I’ve recently walked away from my first Dom, and the heartbreak is more complicated than I expected. The lies and betrayals hurt, of course, but what cuts deeper is the awareness that he never truly cared for me in the ways a Dom should.

My Little needs went unseen. The nurturing, the protection, the attunement I thought I had found — it was never really there. Instead of safety, I found distance. Instead of devotion, I found deceit.

It’s a strange grief to sit with. Not just the loss of someone, but the loss of what I thought we were creating together.

I share this because I know I’m not the only one who’s been there — giving your heart, surrendering your trust, only to find the foundation wasn’t what it should have been.

For those who identify as Littles — how do you know when your needs are genuinely being seen and cared for?

[Ma****]

Wow, almost as if i felt that or wrote it myself

[Deleted Member]

Such courage. Well done. X

[Po****]

Damn this definitely sucked to read. I truly do hope you're able to rebuild and trust again

[Ir****]

Idk, I just follow my instinct and try to value Dom’s commitment and consistency

[Zis]

Im sorry, that you have to experience that. It must be very hurtful and I hope you can heal from it with the knowledge that it wasn't your fault.
Im not a little, im a femdom, but I can tell you that even on this position you can feel this betrayal. The risk of this dynamic is the deep connection which comes with it.
All the best, honey😘

[Deleted Member]

It can feel as deep and devastating as a bereavement losing such an intimate connection.

Fly free phoenix and burn brighter!

[tr****]

I’ve been in that situation and it was a tough pill to swallow.

[ThemApples]

Thanks for sharing. It's a good reminder to both sides that there's so much more to the dynamic that can hurt people that's not physical.

[Deleted Member]

I am sorry you were treated that way, it's never a great feeling. But now you know yourself better, you have found boundaries and what more of your needs are. It takes time, so let it. Whenever you try again, you'll have these experiences to draw from and they will ultimately help you and your future partners.

[Ste501172]

I think I'm reflecting what everyone else is saying, that's not even a dynamic that's just one person being completely selfish and not taking your personal or inner self into consideration at all. I'd be ashamed of myself if I even thought of treating my little/submissive that way.

[gr****]

“Doms” are only happy when they think they rule. Wake up y’all. Try taking the “Dom” power away from them and see. Pure narcissistic behavior is the “Dom”. I’ll be kicked out of Fet for this, but….

[Zis]

8 minutes ago, grand-island664642 said:

“Doms” are only happy when they think they rule. Wake up y’all. Try taking the “Dom” power away from them and see. Pure narcissistic behavior is the “Dom”. I’ll be kicked out of Fet for this, but….

Oh nooo, Bubba! Who hurt you? I take care of my subs and using gladly the room they give me bordered by their hard limits. I wouldnt describe me as narcissistic person and neither would they.

[gr****]

So says you. And nice way to try and trigger me. And a narcissist would say, “ and neither would they”. Who are they? Why do you get to speak for them? And, who is “Bubba”? Also, a narcissist move, giving nicknames.

[ph****]

My first dom was also a dud. When we were done with a scene, he rarely provided aftercare. I didn’t know that I had “little” needs at that time. He wouldn’t even be exclusive, and I was just supposed to be okay with that, with no care for what I needed. I wouldn’t call him a narcissist, just not the right one for me at the end of the day. He was extremely selfish and demanding of my time, but I couldn’t even expect him to be considerate of my schedule. I’m still looking, hoping I’ll find what I’m looking for. Sifting through the garbage fake “doms” seems to be more of what I do than anything.

[Zis]

Thought you might have had bad experiences, so you have to condemned a group of individuals you don't even know.
I wouldn't judge people that quickly.
Just wanted to make clear, that not every dom is a narcissist, even though there might be a lot in that position.
Just dont give up SoMakeMe, you'll find a suitable one.

[Ze****]

I'm sorry you've been hurt @grand-island664642🥹🫂💚

[Deleted Member]

Genuine authenticity is sadly a scarce resource in today’s world…

Sociopaths are great at molding themselves into the ideal partner… for about 3-6months, until you get comfortable and begin to trust them…

You need to screen and vet those you will trust your heart and soul with up front and quickly. Acts of selfless service with no reward beyond 4-5 times is like nails on a chalk board to the borderline personalities… withholding what they want out of you until they show consistency in just being genuine caring souls is a difficult but necessary tactic to protect yourself from being manipulated by someone that wants to give the bare minimum to get the maximum benefits from you…

May I suggest reading “The Sociopath Next Door” and “Out Smarting The Sociopath Next Door”… This may be of great use in your arsenal to protect yourself heart from further scars.

Much love stranger.

[Di****]

I've found many fake doms, and bad situations, which is part of why I'm so cautious. It's a strange sadness to sit with when it happens but you have to remember to care for yourself first and foremost. Maybe try some of the courses on Fet about the communication aspect and just general things to look out for. Hope this helps.

[gr****]

Never been “hurt”. Just know “doms” are usually narcissistic people.

[Ze****]

1 hour ago, grand-island664642 said:

Never been “hurt”. Just know “doms” are usually narcissistic people.

Okay, but then how do you know that? Have you seen data on this or that's just your own personal experience?

[wp****]

sorry to hear. You will find the right one I am sure

[RedFoxUK]

It's an awful, but all too common tale. Some men don't have the slightest clue what it means to be a Dom, never mind how to be a Daddy, which is a whole different ball game. They confuse control with ***, nurturing with taking advantage.

I hope your horrible and entriely unnecessary experience doesn't put you off. There are good, responsible, knowledgeable and supportive Doms/Daddy's out there, and I hope one crosses your path very soon, and can help repair the damage done.

[DarkArts1066]

As a Dom, this makes an uncomfortable read, but I am pleased you are able to verbalise what must be a heartbreaking situation for others to read.

It happens more often than most people think.
If you ‘sell’ yourself as a Dom, then you also need to accept ALL of the environmental conditions which come with that role.

And many so called Doms can’t or don’t want to do that.
They can be selfish.

That starts with understanding.
Not just understanding your sub / little / slave .. but understanding yourself.
Being able to self-reflect, and to consider the needs of others before your own - always.

Because if you can’t do that, the emotional destruction which you will leave behind makes your position -and having that level of responsibility untenable.

I sincerely hope that you find a way to move forward from this experience.
Not move on - move forward.
I choose these words carefully.

Moving forward implies that you can take a less than pleasant experience, and use it to elevate yourself into a better place.

I wish you all the best.

[Da****]

Hello, @SoMakeMe,

I'm sorry for your confusion, your loss, your ***. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. 🙏
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I wonder whether I may comment, even though I'm not answering your question directly.
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Firstly, I want to congratulate you for having your first 'bad Dom' experience. I hope you can find a way to celebrate that. Bad Doms are harder to work out (especially for new subs, and for sub, slave, little combos). You're bound to come across a bad Dom. Its like going on holiday to a warm , tropical place. You're bound to get huge cockroaches, mosquitos and other bugs.
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Part of what new (especially) subs (especially, but all other categories too) need is help at checking they're okay and getting their needs met. The help may be a convo, a reflection practice (in many cases, its also a debrief after a scene, it's ongoing communication, it's the contracting in the first place). It's the feeling and witnessing of communication before even hooking up.
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I'm not trying to take away your right to be and to feel all that you are right now. 🙏 I'm just trying to suggest that you don't add another issue on (bad Dom) when you can categorise it as a learning experience, work out your own support and 'right-sizing' way of working.
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From my experience, this is especially important for littles, or those who have highly sensitive person (HSP) traits in their make up, because BDSM can often be associated with crassness. Only.
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I hope you can see a way forward soon. I hope you come up with a way, even if it takes all your might at first, to become your own 'true Dom' sensor. Maybe even to replace that binary (all out/all in) switch with six or seven little switches (see what i did there and turn yourself in more slowly.
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Protect your sovereignty AND have the most devious time too.
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And sorry once again, for how you feel right now. 🙏