Asking a dom personal questions?

[Deleted Member]

Safe sane and consensual, are the basic tenets of any bdsm relationship? If you're Dom refuses to answer basic questions, run don't walk, RUN. Nothing good will come from a relationship with somebody who is a total mystery and refuses to answer basic questions.

[Se****]

Those are some extreme red flags. Frankly, in your position, I would skip the boundary settings and lose this person ASAP.

[Se****]

I haven’t read all the replies but my first concern/question on reading this is why on Earth does you “Dom” think it is appropriate or acceptable to punish you when you haven’t broken any rules??? I can see nothing in what you’ve said to say that it was agreed you wouldn’t ask them questions bout their personal life ergo you’ve done nothing wrong in asking and SHOULD NOT be receiving punishment.

As to the form of punishment I’d strongly suspect this person has no regard to your personal safety and as such I’d be walking away from the relationship.

From what I’ve read your concerns are valid, trust yourself and your instincts I know that can be easier said than done but your gut doesn’t lie x

[Er****]

I prefer to have my sub ask me questions, but every relationship is different. Its important to be clear about your needs, and if your dom cant provide for those needs then its time to find a better fit for you.

[da****]

I would ask why she won't talk about herself and start from there...
As to how to set a boundary. It's more if this happens I stop playing. Does that make sense? A boundary in normal settings is how you behave if a situation arises. With BDSM it is obviously different but you still get to communicate and if that doesn't come to a compromise you're happy with. Withdraw your time or energy as it is a breach of trust. And you can protect yourself if you're Dom failed too.
Best of luck hope this helps

[ne****]

There’s a difference between a dom and a Narc, please look for red flags 🚩 dom and sub dynamics can always be discussed and mutual agreement should be there.

[sa****]

You have to be able to trust them and know that they always have your best interest in mind. If my sub expressed concern it would be something we needed to talk about. It sounds like boundaries were not properly set or she refuses to stick to them. If the relationship is not fun for you you should not have to be in it.

[Ma****]

You need to leave. They’re just using you like a tool at this point. They should be able to answer personal questions if they’re asking you some and should be engaging in play that you both like. If you don’t like the punishment then you shouldn’t have to go through it, the whole point of the relationship is for them to enjoy punishing and you to enjoy the punishment. I’d say run away.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, westernmd said:

as a dom id say run away

This. All this.

[Deleted Member]

“Online Doms” rarely work out. Find someone you can actually see and connect with.

[CopperKnob]

To coin your phrase, its poor sub form not to have boundaries and poor Dom form not to provide opportunity to discuss them. Even worse if the 'Dom' is gaslighting you in to thinking it's bratting.

[Mi****]

Both of you should be able to inquire and share what is necessary. If you aren't able to, that's unsafe and untrustworthy.

[La****]

If you cannot ask questions, RED FLAG!.
I demand my sub ask me questions, for her safety and mine. Communication should always be a 2-way street. If this is a finDomme situation, she is getting what she wants from you already, she doesnt want any kind of real connection.

[cl****]

That's just a narcissist a lot of people that know that you're submissive would take advantage of you is very important knowing the difference in every situation

[Ma****]

It's very rude to ask personal questions. Just part of the dynamic

[ic****]

That's not a dom that's a control freak

[Em****]

The rules and guidelines should be pre established. If personal information is off limits for your dom, and you are ok with that, that’s fine. If it’s not ok with you then this isn’t the dom for you. As for the punishments, you are always within your rights to say you won’t do something because you don’t feel safe/comfortabke with it. A good dom has their subs comfort and safety at the forefront of their mind at all times.

[Fu****]

If after a session, as a sub, you aren't thanking your dom and meaning it, what transpired wasn't "domination" it was ***

[Ro****]

Based on BDSM community standards, asking questions is not wrong, and your domme's behavior of ignoring or punishing you, especially with potentially dangerous requests, is unethical and abusive. The foundation of any BDSM dynamic is open communication and enthusiastic consent, which must include safety negotiations and the ability to set and en*** boundaries without *** of reprisal. Regardless of what your role is.

Key being your consent given for such interaction. Also, keep in mind it can be revoked at any point.

If you attempt to address and you just receive more of the same, personally, I'd shut it down and block. This is not a healthy kink interaction.

[DarkArts1066]

For me personally, I don’t really have an issue with a sub asking me questions - per se, but it depends on what kind of questions they are.

If they are related to the dynamic, or my experience, that’s fine.

A certain degree of personal questioning would be fine, but if we are talking about family details, or anything of a deeply personal and intrusive nature, and I am not in a regular dynamic with that person, then that is where I would draw the line.

[Jo****]

I think it's ok to ask, it shows interest and, usually ,the more knowledge the merrier. But this works in both directions, and doesn't go beyond each one feels safe or wants to share, this has to be respected. And, of course, very different attitudes can be a problem

[ar****]

If there is a line u draw with something that u feel unsafe with..just say it out of the D/S context..it is mandatory to be respected by the dom in a D/S dynamic.

To ask personal questions isnt bad behaviour per se..especially if ur a sub and not a slave.
But it could be bound to some sort of task, like ur only allowed to ask after u have answered a question urself or any other task.

If u feel more and more uncomfortable u should end it

[Av****]

Ive noticed a lot of doms and dommes use the power dynamic as a way to justify ***, nonconsent, and pretty much ruining people's lives. As a sub you should feel safe and secure with the dom. And in the context of that safety, you should be able to explore the limits of your fetishes. Thats why I have zero respect for financial doms. It crosses multiple ethical lines and is the opposite of a safe space to explore.

[su****]

She sounds like a scammer who hasn't developed a backstory

[Ms****]

That sounds like a red flag and you are being set up to be blackmailed. Never do anything you feel uncomfortable with, that is what safe words are for (yes, ever for virtual, online, and long distance). That stops the scene or play, to step back and have a conversation about limits, feelings, or concerns. If someone won't answer you in kind with the information they are asking you, that is a red flag to me.