New Dom to BDSM with experienced Sub

[Deleted Member]

Hi. I'm new to this type of lifestyle, although I have always liked light kink and light bondage. Im in a new relationship with an experienced sub who is willing to have patience as i figure out just how to be a good Dom. However, we dont see each other often where we are in a position to discuss things ahead of time. I feel he is left a bit disapointed on some occasions as I try to work this out. 

He is a submissive, massochist, rope bunny. I have no problem tying him up but i dont enjoy inflicting ***, but want to fulfill his needs as much as possible so some discussion is needed there. We have discussed what types of *** (choking, spanking, scratching, hair pulling, biting) and what not to do (balls, dick, or inner thigh).  

Hair pulling and light choking is natural for me, but beyond that im really not sure how to deliver the ***, or when might be appropriate. It would be maybe kind of weird to randomly just start biting a person right? Like how to incorporate *** infliction into a sex scene when its not natural for me to do so? Advice please. 

I am thinking of having him show me what he likes and how hard, but that seems a little awkward to ask and do. Especailly with the lack of communication opportunities before hand. I feel like im supposed to just know this stuff and not make it awkward by asking. 

We are both into my new strap on which is easy to be dominant there. I see lots of opportunity for *** infliction with that, just not how or when exactly. Like ya, i want to tie him up, blind fold him, fuck his ass so hard I squirt, pull his hair, *** him, maybe a light spank, but beyond that ...? My mind doesn't really go there with ***. Especially when he is meek and *** and so willing to please. I associate a tied up sissy boy being hurt and fucked in the ass similar to a /victim situation. And im thinking that cant be correct. So i do need to talk more with him, but i figured maybe something will jump out at someone here. 

He uses a cage at home and im still trying to sort through internet junk to find some connection with the mind set. And still working on finding what kind of Dom I am as I am a bit dom and sub both. Im probably not as confident as i need to be in this role. Ok cut the shit im too insecure at the moment to even be called a dom. But I am really wanting to get this, as i like this guy so fucking much i want to be what he needs as much as he is what i need. And he is. Exactly what and who i need =) 

That said, is there any pointers, mentors, advice, websites who can give actual real advice? ... anything and everything is welcome. 

 

And thank you in advance =)

Edited December 2, 2020 by Deleted Member
Clarity, typos

[ey****]

There's a lot here where you sound on the right track - but I appreciate some of your stumbling blocks.

Randomly biting someone when they don't expect it might seem weird, but if it's what you both want to do it can be hot.

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The thing that's important here is you have to be happy with what you are doing.  So communication is important, likes, boundaries, etc. but you also have your own boundaries.  If he wants something that you're not happy to do, then you don't do it and if he's disappointed that's on him.

It may be some things need to be worked up to, sure, but if you're doing activities to make him happy that you don't particularly enjoy it can breed resentment in the long term and questions who the Dominant and who the submissive is

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But yeah, work on ideas together. Perhaps he can show you videos of things he might like, or, you could set him a task of writing fiction stories involving the two of you that you can *consider* helping bring to life.

[Deleted Member]

I wanted to post an update. We had a discussion. I asked him to show me exactly what he likes and how he likes ut so i can not have to waste time with trial and error. It is important that his needs are met the same as mine. 

I did find I would be considered a servicing domme. I found fetlife and evie lupine and reddit. Those are very helpful in addition to this site. 

Ive looked into the mindset of a submissive and understand a little more where he is coming from, but being an ex ***d person i dont truly get why a person would want that. But then again im not submissive.

I have come up with a few scenarios of how to incorporate *** and ropes, blind folds, spanks, bites, etc. in my fantasies i want to play out. But after he shows me, i will know if they match or if im way off. 

I looked at some porn with what i have thought of and it is considered gentle or light. So, guess depends on how extreme he wants to take it. But we can start where i am comfortable and go up from there. I will be able to deliver more *** as i get used to it im sure. 

I also bought a few new items for the both of us that will help boost my confidence so that i am more comfortable in the drivers seat. 

Now we just have to get our schedules right to try them out.

If anyone has some other good sites or ideas, im interested. This is an all or nothing thing for me and i am all in =)

[Wo****]

On 12/2/2020 at 9:31 PM, BadHabit6467 said:

Especailly with the lack of communication opportunities before hand. I feel like im supposed to just know this stuff and not make it awkward by asking. 

This is a red flag for me. If you don't communicate. Nobody knows this stuff without trying it, talking about it, setting boundaries and limits.

 

1 hour ago, BadHabit6467 said:

Ive looked into the mindset of a submissive and understand a little more where he is coming from, but being an ex ***d person i dont truly get why a person would want that. But then again im not submissive.

I've survived ***, my submission allows me to choose to submit rather than being ***d.

 

 

Communicate, discuss everything. 

[Deleted Member]

Thank you for your response. I suppose i wasnt thinking about the choice to submit. Also it depends on who it is for and if you trust them. If they have your concern and well being in mind vs not caring. If there is no trust then a person wouldn't choose to submit. Thank you.