Advice

[Quil-7717]

I have been new to the dominant role for over a year. I have been in an exclusive relationship with an experienced submissive. Recently she asked me to be rougher with her. I have done impact with her. I am still learning. I generally write scenes but asked her to give me a small scene with this in mind. She was stressed that it would be like homework and what she likes about being submissive is not having to think about it. I explained it was not intended to cause stress and a few simple sentences would be fine to use as inspiration. I told her I don’t want her to give me the blueprints for her submission, that is for me to develop. I really like her but I need to find a way to communicate with her more effectively 

[Deleted Member]

Perhaps instead of a full scene have her write down 5 things she would want to be included in a scene and grow from there? Or do something like create a Mad Libs for her to fill out?

[Deleted Member]

Use fantasies. Treat it like a guided dream or meditation of sorts. It can be quite erotic and will tell you A LOT of what she likes and needs without sounding like she's planning it for you. You can do this face to face in a sensual setting or via msgs for example.
Ask her to describe the characters and provide the speach only for example. You can do the rest ie where how what for example.
Do this a few times and make it past of your play. You'll have lots of ideas about what gets her going next time you play together as you'll have found a different way of expressing your ideas and deepest fantasies to eachother in the safety of your mind.

[Deleted Member]

This is why someone decide to submit, not thinking about anything.
During your communication and connection you should have asked questions, trying to find out what she’s into, her fantasy, her dark desire etc, to help you modelling your dynamic. Find out during your session what she enjoy more, read her body and mind reaction etc.. then after sessions asked her what she felt and when she was close to a sub space, when she felt liberate most, what she wanted to be more intense etc...
I know you are only start and it could be daunting some time but asking a sub what she want you to do to her kill am the suspense and mystery !

[Deleted Member]

She’s being a little unfair to you, I think. Previously I’ve written stories and I naturally include things that excite me. The Dom can take whichever elements he likes and use them in a scene. We both have input then. Or I’ve been shown photographs and we talk about which ones I like most. You’re not a mind reader and as you said, new to this. If she’s experienced then why didn’t she suggest alternative ways to make this work?

[Wo****]

Does she watch porn? If she does, what does she watch?

Try sensual deprivation? Blindfolded impact play brings a new dimension.

 

 

[Phoenyx]

You could try an indirect approach.  One idea might be, to do an internet search, together.  Try, for example, a search on "vintage fetish art".  Go to the "images" page.  See which pics she wants to click.  Discuss what drew her to that particular image.  Or, browse the BDSM toys on Etsy.

There are many ways to do this.  You just need to be creative.  Once her *** gets flowing, she will become a fountain of information.

[Mz****]

Communication is a two way thing and one I think you're doing your best to achieve, as you say she's experienced in her role and you're still learning. I think you're doing a pretty good job so far..she trusts you enough to ask for changes..the rougher impact play for example, and is vocal enough to say what she doesn't want..ie, having to do homework, presumably you have had a chat about limits, soft and hard ones when you took on the role as her Dom..a year later, with your new mindset and experience perhaps its time to revisit that chat, an annual audit if you like, you can discuss whats working for you, what isn't, perhaps this might also be a good time to introduce more of the things that You may like, or have an interest in exploring into play, or at least into a discussion, use her reactions to those things as you talk about them perhaps, if you spend all of your time on what she wants and what makes her happy you'll end up resentful, frustrated and miserable.

 

[Phoenyx]

I think I see what is happening here.  You have been together a year, and your play may have started to feel "routine".  She is looking for that next, new "high".  And, I suspect that you are, as well.  You mentioned that she was "an experienced submissive".  So, she should realize, that it is the sub who ultimately chooses the fantasies, and the Dom merely makes them happen.  It is possible that her previous relationships were abusive, and she was never given her rightful say.  The "stress" may be from *** of giving the "wrong" answer.

Or, it could simply be the case, that you have exhausted all of the forms of play that she knows.  She may have only a vague feeling of what she wants.  Often, the secret desires of subs are buried so deeply, that even they are not aware of what they are.  She may have mental blocks, that keep her from baring those darkest parts of her soul---a kind of self-brainwashing.  It is your task, as a Dom, to help her grab ahold of those deep inner feelings, and bring them to the surface.  You must metaphorically hold her hand and guide her, as she explores those dark, inner caverns.  This is how you attain true worship and devotion from your sub.

This is why I suggested sitting together, and viewing images of fetish art.  Such drawings and ***tings portray a wide variety of different scenarios---impact play, bondage, fetish clothing, etc...   Watch her closely, and see which images catch her eye.  You might even discuss some of her favorites. But, do not "grill" her!  This will only raise her defenses, and cause the secret desires to become buried even deeper.  Really, this should be a fun and relaxing experience for both of you.  I have a rhetorical question---food for thought:  How are you at selecting birthday or Christmas gifts for your partner?  Have you ever selected something that seemed almost inconsequential, yet elicited the response, "How did you know?!"  The principle is much the same.

[Si****]

Over a year and you still don’t know what makes her go ooow. If she isn’t being open with you what she likes and wants, then take some control and introduce her to things you’ve not yet done with her. Tell her what you have in mind so she can agree or disagree to. Perhaps you could show her the way by telling her the things you might like to do with her and see how she reacts. The aim is to get a conversation going and let her feel safe in talking about things she might not have considered.

[Si****]

Don’t get too dishearten this can happen, that’s why I think it’s important that Dom’s talk to each other. I’ve been in the lifestyle for a long time but I’m still discovering new things. Take the time to connect with other Dom’s. When able, go to events and see how others like to play. The only limits to new things lay in your mind only.