For aspiring Dom's

[PaganDawn]

So, this is no more than information, a gathering of thoughts for all you Doms out there who are just starting out, or maybe becoming frustrated that you cannot find the sub you desire.

However, you came to this wonderful world of kink is unimportant. What you do in it is.

Firstly, this is not vanilla, but it is also not just about play, scenes, and submission.

We hear from many Dom’s who want to know how our lifestyle works, what happens when we play and how lucky our Sir is. Very few ask what goes into it. And I say this, because there is a shit load that goes into it. The outcome that so many see on here, the pictures, the writings, the fun we have are the product of having an incredible Dom. And by that I don’t just mean he has a good imagination, or good at discipline or a good sadist. He is good at everything else. If you just want the end product, the scene, the quick fix and walk away, that’s fine. But, if you truly want to be a good Dom, then its time to go to school.

Like everything in life, you will need to learn, a lot, about a lot of shit. You may hear about the way to claim a good sub is to claim their mind. Well, it may be a cliché but it is true. Sexual arousal starts in the brain. The physical result you get is dependent on what they are thinking and feeling. Have you pressed all the right buttons, have you stimulated them enough, and more to the point, how do they feel about you. Yes a sub is there to serve your wants and needs. But they are not just a toy you can put back in the box. If you crave the kind of connection that has them messaging you in the day with random sexy photos, rather than it just being another task, or thinking up weird and wonderful ways to arouse you and make you smile while you are at work, then you need to gain their undying affection for you. To do this, you need to really listen, observe and put a lot of thought into what they want and need and how you can deliver this, not just in the moment, but daily.

 

Build the connections.

Are they happy? No, why and what can you do to help. Are they stressed at work? Listen to them, give them an outlet to let the worries of the world out. Pay attention, experiment, take your time to really observe them during play. What works well, what elicits the responses that you and they enjoy. What combinations of pleasure, ***, ***, care gain the greatest results. It is possible to keep a sub on the edge of arousal for days on end. Little texts, tasks, how you talk to them, what you say, how you say it. Through words alone you can arouse, excite, tantalise, and put *** into your sub.

Think….

 long and hard about what you really want out of the dynamic. I say this because what people think they want and what they actually want are usually two different things. First there is the fantasy, then the reality, and often the second deflates the first. This is because you don’t break down your desires into their core components. You say, “I’m a sadist, I like to give my sub ***.” Fine, but why? What’s your trigger? Is it just as simple as wanting to hurt? Rarely. Often there is a deep underlying need that you are not prepared to face…Again vanilla raises its ugly head, and you push it aside. Be open and honest with yourself. Knowing why you desire, and truly accepting it as normal in this world of unique individuality, will help you understand your core desires. This gives you power over your needs and wants, confidence to explore them free from vanilla constraints. With this comes knowledge, and the urge to learn more. Understanding yourself will help you get to the bottom of exactly what you want from a sub, and this will help you set your rules, protocols, wants, and needs.

Be patient.

It wont all happen instantly. Take your time. Build the anticipation. Get to know your sub, pay attention to their likes, hobbies, interests, here are a myriad of clues to what type of person your sub is.  Learning what makes them tick, will eventually help you get into their head. But more importantly, you have to want to care for them. Having their well being as one of your primal needs has to be genuine. They are a prized position. One of the most important things in your life, because in their hands is the ability to give you your every heart’s desire. You can’t give it to yourself, you need them. You need food, you could, eat any old crap, but you will eat what you desire, and pay for it, sometimes handsomely. Other times you pick it, ***stakingly prepare it, cook it and serve it, before devouring it. In a similar way, you desire a sub, you want to enjoy it, time and time again. You want it to worship you, adore you, submit to your desires and thank you for everything you do to it. So, take care in your choice, way your options, prepare it with care and thought, keep it in its best environment, and then when it is time to devour it, the feast will be exquisite and a menu you can repeat over and over again.

[Fe****]

Thank you🙏 an excellent read,i do so hope these fine intents & sentiments are widely read. Loved the food analogy, so to the point.
As ones lucky enough to have been given such an opportunity, we understand & have embraced,in radical honesty,deep communication and humour our approach.......may more find this wonderous headspace of self expression in the language of kink & trust.
Live,love,laugh in life,love N unity🙏

[Deleted Member]

What an EXCELLENT way of putting it. I get so many complaints (and screenshot of messages) from women that have been approached by men that quite clearly don't have a clue and think they can take control from day one. But, at the same time, new, inexperienced subs should appreciate that this is a great way to spot an experienced Dom. The ones who want to chat to you and get to know you. The ones who are in no rush to have you on your knees...... hmmm this has inspired another writing, where's my laptop?

[Deleted Member]

10 hours ago, PaganDawn said:

So, this is no more than information, a gathering of thoughts for all you Doms out there who are just starting out, or maybe becoming frustrated that you cannot find the sub you desire.

However, you came to this wonderful world of kink is unimportant. What you do in it is.

Firstly, this is not vanilla, but it is also not just about play, scenes, and submission.

We hear from many Dom’s who want to know how our lifestyle works, what happens when we play and how lucky our Sir is. Very few ask what goes into it. And I say this, because there is a shit load that goes into it. The outcome that so many see on here, the pictures, the writings, the fun we have are the product of having an incredible Dom. And by that I don’t just mean he has a good imagination, or good at discipline or a good sadist. He is good at everything else. If you just want the end product, the scene, the quick fix and walk away, that’s fine. But, if you truly want to be a good Dom, then its time to go to school.

Like everything in life, you will need to learn, a lot, about a lot of shit. You may hear about the way to claim a good sub is to claim their mind. Well, it may be a cliché but it is true. Sexual arousal starts in the brain. The physical result you get is dependent on what they are thinking and feeling. Have you pressed all the right buttons, have you stimulated them enough, and more to the point, how do they feel about you. Yes a sub is there to serve your wants and needs. But they are not just a toy you can put back in the box. If you crave the kind of connection that has them messaging you in the day with random sexy photos, rather than it just being another task, or thinking up weird and wonderful ways to arouse you and make you smile while you are at work, then you need to gain their undying affection for you. To do this, you need to really listen, observe and put a lot of thought into what they want and need and how you can deliver this, not just in the moment, but daily.

 

Build the connections.

Are they happy? No, why and what can you do to help. Are they stressed at work? Listen to them, give them an outlet to let the worries of the world out. Pay attention, experiment, take your time to really observe them during play. What works well, what elicits the responses that you and they enjoy. What combinations of pleasure, ***, ***, care gain the greatest results. It is possible to keep a sub on the edge of arousal for days on end. Little texts, tasks, how you talk to them, what you say, how you say it. Through words alone you can arouse, excite, tantalise, and put *** into your sub.

Think….

 long and hard about what you really want out of the dynamic. I say this because what people think they want and what they actually want are usually two different things. First there is the fantasy, then the reality, and often the second deflates the first. This is because you don’t break down your desires into their core components. You say, “I’m a sadist, I like to give my sub ***.” Fine, but why? What’s your trigger? Is it just as simple as wanting to hurt? Rarely. Often there is a deep underlying need that you are not prepared to face…Again vanilla raises its ugly head, and you push it aside. Be open and honest with yourself. Knowing why you desire, and truly accepting it as normal in this world of unique individuality, will help you understand your core desires. This gives you power over your needs and wants, confidence to explore them free from vanilla constraints. With this comes knowledge, and the urge to learn more. Understanding yourself will help you get to the bottom of exactly what you want from a sub, and this will help you set your rules, protocols, wants, and needs.

Be patient.

It wont all happen instantly. Take your time. Build the anticipation. Get to know your sub, pay attention to their likes, hobbies, interests, here are a myriad of clues to what type of person your sub is.  Learning what makes them tick, will eventually help you get into their head. But more importantly, you have to want to care for them. Having their well being as one of your primal needs has to be genuine. They are a prized position. One of the most important things in your life, because in their hands is the ability to give you your every heart’s desire. You can’t give it to yourself, you need them. You need food, you could, eat any old crap, but you will eat what you desire, and pay for it, sometimes handsomely. Other times you pick it, ***stakingly prepare it, cook it and serve it, before devouring it. In a similar way, you desire a sub, you want to enjoy it, time and time again. You want it to worship you, adore you, submit to your desires and thank you for everything you do to it. So, take care in your choice, way your options, prepare it with care and thought, keep it in its best environment, and then when it is time to devour it, the feast will be exquisite and a menu you can repeat over and over again.

Love the food analogy.  Extremely informative and interesting. This really nails the dedication and time that go into creating a truly delicious dynamic. 

[Deleted Member]

Excellent post. It’s not always about jumping into Dom space from the start without building connection and getting to know each other and assuming you have earned the right to be their Dom and vice versa thanks for this great read.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you so much for this post! I am meeting with and starting a D/s relationship with a woman on here. In real life. It's amazing how many men messaged her giving her tasks without even talking to her. I understand that there are guys who claim to be Dom's, but really just want the kink, and that's fine. I just wish they would be more respectful to ones in the lifestyle.

[SirPaul]

Thanks for taking the time and effort to document your knowledge. It’s an unselfish act that is very much appreciated. A lot is what you said made a lot of sense to me, and are things that o naturally do, but there were some nice gems that have helped me understand where a relationship I’m currently building with a gorgeous young sub is going and why, which is good to know!

[PaganDawn]

Thank you all for your lovely comments and compliments. This wonderful world of kink that we live in is diverse and exciting and brings with it a beautiful freedom from the constraints and complexity of vanilla life. The rules and protocols we negotiate and respect keep it simple and uncluttered. But they rely on each partly being honest and open about their desires and what they seek first. This applies to both Dom and sub... and I will in the spirit of fareness post some thoughts for aspiring subs to...

Anything we can do to help each other grow and stay safe in this wonder world is valued. All newcomers deserve the wisdom we have to offer..whether they want it or not...its fee..and everyone was an aspiring kinkster once 😁😁

[Sammyb-9585]

Fabulous topic and sums up so much , thank you so much for sharing

maybe a topic on the reverse side of the coin may also help others I’d love to read your thoughts

[PaganDawn]

SammyB   thank you and the sub side is on its way :)

[Deleted Member]

Excellent topic and beautifully written x

[Deleted Member]

Really insightful read. I was in fact reflecting the other day about conversations I have had, where an ‘experienced’ Dom might seem to be really proud of the things they have helped a sub discover, or taught them a tough lesson. But it got me thinking. I have yet to interact with anyone who has told me what they have learned from a sub about being a better Dom. 
 

Hmmm. Surely a Dom is learning too. Like you have described. By attention and observation and responses.

I also wonder about the experienced Doms who claim they can do all of the above but then think they can waltz in an out of a NSA or FWB arrangement with a D/s dynamic. I mean I just don’t see how it can work. But maybe that’s more a reflection of my needs and a lesson I had to learn via emotional ***.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if what you described existed? Maybe it’s I’m just not right for it. Maybe I’m not worthy enough? 
 

Thanks for sharing. Sorry for rambling 

[PaganDawn]

12 hours ago, Messedup79 said:

Really insightful read. I was in fact reflecting the other day about conversations I have had, where an ‘experienced’ Dom might seem to be really proud of the things they have helped a sub discover, or taught them a tough lesson. But it got me thinking. I have yet to interact with anyone who has told me what they have learned from a sub about being a better Dom. 
 

Hmmm. Surely a Dom is learning too. Like you have described. By attention and observation and responses.

I also wonder about the experienced Doms who claim they can do all of the above but then think they can waltz in an out of a NSA or FWB arrangement with a D/s dynamic. I mean I just don’t see how it can work. But maybe that’s more a reflection of my needs and a lesson I had to learn via emotional ***.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if what you described existed? Maybe it’s I’m just not right for it. Maybe I’m not worthy enough? 
 

Thanks for sharing. Sorry for rambling 

Messedup79, Thank you for your thoughtful comments. It sounds like you have, like so many had a rough time of it. Please try not to be too disillusioned. Read my writings, 'Diary of a Pagan sub...Sir, chapters 1-5...they are on here. They chronicle my life with Sir, from our first conversations, first meet and subsequent meets up to joining us (those will follow). I wrote them for the exact reason of showing other subs and Dom's how good it can be when it is right, and both sides put equal amounts of effort into the dynamic. There are many good Dom's out there, and many good subs, but due to the diluted soup in between, not many find each other. That is why it is so important to put, not just what you want to find, but what you are offering. This avoids any confusion. My first profile on Alt was, honest and insightful, listing what I had to offer, not just what I wanted. Thy poem I used is still on here, and I refused to entertain any Dom who had not bothered to read it before speaking to me. It was all that I was offering, and as I stated very clearly, I was a gift, and had to be earned. Sir travelled half way round the country to meet me, regularly, and never wavered in his care, respect or handling of the gift I gave him. And for that, above all the kink, I would do anything to keep him as happy as he has made me. He has my heart, my mind and my soul.
 Be confident in what you want, clear in what you will give to the right Dom, and entertain only those that bother to read the fine print.  
Take care lovely sub, never forget it is your gift to give, not theirs to take. xxx

Edited January 11, 2021 by FETMOD-GP
Taken out external link

[Sensual_Dom_1966]

Reading this truly insightful post and the replies is validation already of why I have recently joined here. To be part of a network, sharing knowledge and meeting other kinky folk. Essentially we are all continually learning - aren't we? Yet I often think that complacency can be so subtle that we often forget this. Sharing such valuable information is providing a great service. I look forward to your post for aspiring subs PaganDawn! 

[De****]

What a fantastically written post, it would be wonderful for more to see this as it is needed to be seen

[Th****]

Beautifully written which moreover displays the wisdom that has been earned from living the lifestyle.

There were so many points were you raised a point and covered it excellently.

Thanks it was nice to see this in black and white as a contrast to the more casual styles of play 👌