The lockdown effect!

[ol****]

I'm on the don't use them side. To be honest I think they are outmoded now.

I have lurked and it is very claer (or seems to be) that it is a small selct group of people using the chat rooms. The number of informal greetings as folks log in makes this very clear. The people greeting each other are clearly regualar users of chat.

For me it's a bit like walking into to pub and saying hello to everybody. The chat (banter?) that follows is almost always shallow and banal (like in the pub). sorry that's a bit pointy of me I know but I'm offering it as my personal opinion.

The (personal) messaging is fairly instant and I've had far more interesting, intelligent and informative discourse using that.

I do wonder if chat has had it's day?

[Carnelian2]

1 hour ago, oldfellow said:

I'm on the don't use them side. To be honest I think they are outmoded now.

I have lurked and it is very claer (or seems to be) that it is a small selct group of people using the chat rooms. The number of informal greetings as folks log in makes this very clear. The people greeting each other are clearly regualar users of chat.

For me it's a bit like walking into to pub and saying hello to everybody. The chat (banter?) that follows is almost always shallow and banal (like in the pub). sorry that's a bit pointy of me I know but I'm offering it as my personal opinion.

The (personal) messaging is fairly instant and I've had far more interesting, intelligent and informative discourse using that.

I do wonder if chat has had it's day?

I agree 100% with that. On the whether chat has had it's day - in the old days it was IRC on Alt.com, which I used - both are hopelessly out of date now. In those days, I used ICQ which was great as it had a search facility by interest and you then had 1:1 conversations. Several friendships and a couple of serious ones came out of ICQ for me :-)

On the chat rooms - each to their own, I suppose. I am not much of a pub-goer either :-D

[Mz****]

1 hour ago, oldfellow said:

I'm on the don't use them side. To be honest I think they are outmoded now.

I have lurked and it is very claer (or seems to be) that it is a small selct group of people using the chat rooms. The number of informal greetings as folks log in makes this very clear. The people greeting each other are clearly regualar users of chat.

For me it's a bit like walking into to pub and saying hello to everybody. The chat (banter?) that follows is almost always shallow and banal (like in the pub). sorry that's a bit pointy of me I know but I'm offering it as my personal opinion.

The (personal) messaging is fairly instant and I've had far more interesting, intelligent and informative discourse using that.

I do wonder if chat has had it's day?

Just because you don't use them, or feel like they are outdated doesn't mean that they're not fit for purpose, it just means they don't suit you and your purposes..to use your pub analogy, there's a variety of different types, all catering to different tastes, some of us enjoy  meeting friends for a laugh, some might be out on the pull, some are out to show off their finery and have a good time, some just want a couple of hours out of the house..its the same with the chatrooms, needs, wants, expectations vary from person to person and day to day.

Lockdown is hard for a lot of us, and extremely hard for some of us, especially those like myself who live alone, or have no bubbles, or no adult company, the chatrooms despite their faults, are at least a way to feel like you're not going through this awful time alone, there's others in the same boat..and given how busy they've been during lockdown its impossible to sustain kink talk 24/7 or find new subjects to talk about, personally I find the small talk quite comforting in a way, a familiar face in the crowded pub if you like, and it helps build friendships which can lead to trust and more meaningful private conversations via the personal messaging..but..if a stranger approached me in a pub and dived straight into my personal life or sex life I'd shut them down, I don't feel any differently here and that's how I feel when someone will only chat privately if I'm in chat..usually there's a "anyone up for inboxing" type message and its almost always from a guy wanting to sext, and thats fine, but its not why I'm on the site or in chat.

 

 

[Phoenyx]

I can't say that I have dealt with the chatrooms here.  As has been said, "chat" is not for everyone.  I am a purely visual thinker (as opposed to a verbal thinker) which gives me a distinct advantage IRL.  However, visual thinking has proven to be a handicap in the text-only world of online chat.  Often, by the time that I boil a complex concept down to a few simple words, the conversation has moved-on to another topic.

That may be similar to the problems that many newbies face.  Inexperienced, they are unable to keep-up with rapid-fire pace of chatrooms.  They may be chastised for discussing topics that are so 30-seconds-ago.  Also, I have noticed that "chats" tend  not to be the round-table discussions intended.  Rather, more often than not, they break into several individual, private conversations---multiple pairs of folks, all trying to talk over each other.  When a newbie signs-in, they have no idea whether a conversation is public or private.  Unlike the "pub" analogy, a pair having a private convo can't simply step to the side.

It has been mentioned, that the chatroom format may be outdated.  Among many organizations, video conferencing has replaced the old chat format.  Technology has made video cheap and readily-available to most everyone.  Plus, the more in-person aspect of video tends to improve everyone's behavior.  Unfortunately though, that tech also opens-up a whole new set of problems.  All of the popular, free, video-conferencing services are fraught with data mining and spyware.  When a group rents a conference room in say, a hotel, they have a reasonable expectation of privacy.  The hotel manager will not be in the room with them, taking notes on their conversation.  Nor, will the room have hidden microphones.  Yet, that all seems to go out-the-window, when using modern computer technology.  "Privacy is Dead!", has become the new, compulsory dogma of the tech community.  So, until laws are passed, chatrooms, no matter how outmoded, may remain the safest option.

[Lillyth]

On 21/01/2021 at 5:53 PM, Philip2004 said:

I quite agree with this sentiment Lilly

Thank you Phillip, it's sad to see 

[Lillyth]

On 21/01/2021 at 5:54 PM, Jolene79 said:

Well said Lilly, I feel the same💖

Thank you JoJo.  It seems that quite a lot of us are feeling that way. I hope things improve.❤

[Lillyth]

On 21/01/2021 at 6:06 PM, SammyB said:

Evening Lily lovely , well
I can honestly say you have written everything i have repeatedly said over the last year

It has been highlighted in the forum yet we still have the same problem . I have spoken out both in chat and in forum when those behaviours you described have continued

It’s not fair on newbies at all And certainly many of the “old regs” like you and I are backing off and not interacting as regularly as we did

Thank you for raising the topic but sadly I don’t think those who are the culprits won’t read and see themselves in what you have described

I personally think the site need to take action because it isn’t a friendly welcoming safe space that it used to be

Sadly it is no longer a place where people can learn because some of the characters who are deemed or seen to be experienced and knowledgeable really are not to the point where incorrect information and advice is given .... which for newbies it is very dangerous

Anyway rant over lol
Once again lily as ever it lovely to see you and hear what you have to say and thank you as ever for sharing

Hi Sammy xx

Thank you for your lovely response. Yes I've noticed it for a while and know I'm not alone in feeling this way, it did appear to get a little better but has taken 10 steps back.

I have been able to see, through lurking what happens when a new person enters the room and it's quite frankly at worse hostile and at best difficult to get  an in, into the conversation.

I completely agree with your comments and wish it could have the same atmosphere as when I first joined, it really is a shame.

I guess all we can do is continue to be welcoming and inclusive and try to being back some of the old atmosphere.

It's lovely to hear from you too Sammy, thank you for your thoughts xxx

[li****]

It's sad to see this still happening @Lillyth and I agree with you and @SammyB when I first joined 3 years ago it was never ever like this. The chat room was a fun and inclusive place for newbies to come and chat and now all I'm seeing is them told to shut up when they've spoken about their fetish just cause it's not liked by some other members in that chat, to me that's kink shaming!! Every one should feel welcome and feel like they belong here. Yeah we get the idiots some times but instead of being hostile towards them give them direction or ignore them even a mod should be called in and they be kicked out if needs be if they get really bad, but some are still new and don't know the etiquette or rules of the chat room. 

 

I for one am the same with only addressing my Sir as Sir, I'll be respectful to any one else in chat or messages I'll use capitals if needs be but I won't call any one else master, mistress, miss etc. I hope in time the chat room will change but for now this is one of the reasons I very rarely go in and if I do go in I'm lurking and to be honest if I do see any of this belittling or nasty behaviour while lurking I will call people out on it. There is no need for it at all if you can be anything in this world please be kind!!! We were all new once!!! 

Edited January 22, 2021 by lil-monster

[Wi****]

1 hour ago, lil-monster said:

It's sad to see this still happening @Lillyth and I agree with you and @SammyB when I first joined 3 years ago it was never ever like this. The chat room was a fun and inclusive place for newbies to come and chat and now all I'm seeing is them told to shut up when they've spoken about their fetish just cause it's not liked by some other members in that chat, to me that's kink shaming!! Every one should feel welcome and feel like they belong here. Yeah we get the idiots some times but instead of being hostile towards them give them direction or ignore them even a mod should be called in and they be kicked out if needs be if they get really bad, but some are still new and don't know the etiquette or rules of the chat room. 

 

I for one am the same with only addressing my Sir as Sir, I'll be respectful to any one else in chat or messages I'll use capitals if needs be but I won't call any one else master, mistress, miss etc. I hope in time the chat room will change but for now this is one of the reasons I very rarely go in and if I do go in I'm lurking and to be honest if I do see any of this belittling or nasty behaviour while lurking I will call people out on it. There is no need for it at all if you can be anything in this world please be kind!!! We were all new once!!! 

I totally echo your sentiments lilm, yes when I joined it was inclusive welcoming and became my sanctuary it still is but it has changed. Which is a shame. Hopefully it will get better again 😊😊😊

[SammyB]

@lil-monster it’s really such a shame and sad that so many of the “old regs” I think over 10 is my my count .on this thread alone .... all are avoiding the lobby or lurking ...who enjoyed good conversations, laughs and shared their experiences in a positive light .....embraced newbies and tried to help them round the site

I think many newbies get the blame for inciting poor behaviour however as we can clearly see from the thread it isn’t the case

I for one will say I do miss the group chat I’ve always enjoyed popping in and popping out especially some of the great conversations and debate

[Deleted Member]

On 1/21/2021 at 8:53 AM, UK_Knight said:

I have only been into chat once. Being a regular on chat groups of old I know how to behave and how not to. I also know that it's wise to judge the way a room behaves before bounding in with seize 10 shoes.

Before I could get any sort of feel for the room I was kicked out for not contributing!

If a mod felt that I should have joined in already the friendly approach would be to have a quiet word first surely?

Pretty sure that's an automatic feature kind of like when your banking times out?

[sm****]

8 minutes ago, SammyB said:

@lil-monster it’s really such a shame and sad that so many of the “old regs” I think over 10 is my my count .on this thread alone .... all are avoiding the lobby or lurking ...who enjoyed good conversations, laughs and shared their experiences in a positive light .....embraced newbies and tried to help them round the site

I think many newbies get the blame for inciting poor behaviour however as we can clearly see from the thread it isn’t the case

I for one will say I do miss the group chat I’ve always enjoyed popping in and popping out especially some of the great conversations and debate

Sadly it is mostly a few regs that are being aggressive and to be blunt a few with ego's and a lot of hypocrisy in there, especially over the last 4 months.  Iv'e stated before im lurking more and just not participating as it's like walking on eggshells with certain people. Politics/egos....  they forget most come on to chill, talk about literally anything.   Like i have as well as others stated in the past "we were all new once" and done the odd faux pas.  Iv'e literally seen newbies shot down in flames even for asking a simple question.....literally a few nights ago a newbie asked whar are the rules....to be answered "don't be a dick"  not very inviting or informative.

 

 

[Deleted Member]

I've just sat and read all the comments, and it ***t a fairly horrible picture of chat that I'm not sure I recognise. So then I of course wondered if I'm one of the "toxic" people. I would hope not.

Perhaps I'm not in as much at these times (I tend to be in chat more consistently evening US time), but I've witnessed a lot of interesting debates, a lot of people being helped with new ideas, and a lot of people coming in and enjoying the chat and staying.

Chatrooms are organic and constantly evolving. People leave, people come in, and things change. I'm going to quote Ross from Friends with the "no one likes change". Perhaps there is also an element of that going on?

Edited January 22, 2021 by Deleted Member
typo

[sm****]

Sadly not char...it really has been very Toxic during UK times especially.  That and playground gang mentality.  New *** is needed but is being put off as well as old regulars just going why bother.

[Deleted Member]

22 minutes ago, smeagol said:

Sadly it is mostly a few regs that are being aggressive and to be blunt a few with ego's and a lot of hypocrisy in there, especially over the last 4 months.  Iv'e stated before im lurking more and just not participating as it's like walking on eggshells with certain people. Politics/egos....  they forget most come on to chill, talk about literally anything.   Like i have as well as others stated in the past "we were all new once" and done the odd faux pas.  Iv'e literally seen newbies shot down in flames even for asking a simple question.....literally a few nights ago a newbie asked whar are the rules....to be answered "don't be a dick"  not very inviting or informative.

 

 

One of the reason why I barely even come to the chat and when I do see that I do say something because it is that how someone people get treated

[Wo****]

9 minutes ago, Lady_Char said:

I've just sat and read all the comments, and it ***t a fairly horrible picture of chat that I'm not sure I recognise. So then I of course wondered if I'm one of the "toxic" people. I would hope not.

Perhaps I'm not in as much at these times (I tend to be in chat more consistently evening US time), but I've witnessed a lot of interesting debates, a lot of people being helped with new ideas, and a lot of people coming in and enjoying the chat and staying.

Chatrooms are organic and constantly evolving. People leave, people come in, and things change. I'm going to quote Ross from Friends with the "no one likes change". Perhaps there is also an element of that going on?

I wondered if it's just the Lobby... I have never had anything but fun and some deep, interesting discussions in BDSM Lovers.

Am I part of a clique or just engaging with like minded people?

 

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, Bounty said:

I wondered if it's just the Lobby... I have never had anything but fun and some deep, interesting discussions in BDSM Lovers.

Am I part of a clique or just engaging with like minded people?

 

I'll be honest, Bounty, I'd no idea you were meant to adhere to etiquette in there... and I have read (skimmed) the rules a couple of times. I don't tend to go in... because it seems like the "grown ups room" to me. Bit scary lol

As someone who's not part of the scene but just plays privately within dynamics, I'd have no idea what the etiquette is... and I'm not sure there's a link to educate people? A wee pop up on entering would be a good idea too.

Edited January 22, 2021 by Deleted Member
addition

[sm****]

It does seem to be the Lobby mainly...I go in a few times to the other rooms and it's never been a hint of it.  Bounty is right there are cliques and a few are really aggressive and have their "groopies"

[SammyB]

47 minutes ago, Lady_Char said:

I've just sat and read all the comments, and it ***t a fairly horrible picture of chat that I'm not sure I recognise. So then I of course wondered if I'm one of the "toxic" people. I would hope not.

Perhaps I'm not in as much at these times (I tend to be in chat more consistently evening US time), but I've witnessed a lot of interesting debates, a lot of people being helped with new ideas, and a lot of people coming in and enjoying the chat and staying.

Chatrooms are organic and constantly evolving. People leave, people come in, and things change. I'm going to quote Ross from Friends with the "no one likes change". Perhaps there is also an element of that going on?

Evening Charli hunni , I can honestly say you have always been warm and welcoming and supportive to newbies when I have been in

Yes some people don’t like change but that isn’t it at all . Personally I enjoyed the changes for lots of reasons

I can only say that I have managed to use the chat room over 3 yrs and I’ve never had toxic attacks like some have had

I will give you an example few months back , younger inexperienced guy interested in exploring subbing and pegging , he came into chat one day and he was jumped on for not using the right language and he was given a hard time to the I would say ridiculed .

Couple of weeks later he knocked on my inbox , we chatted , I explained a couple things , explained he would be better off with a pic of some description, I helped him with his profile . He put up a generic bum pic
I said right let’s go into chat
I introduced him
I whispered one of the long standing regs and they said they would keep an eye out
Quickly he became a regular short after that . Because both myself and the other member had some banter and he understood the chat rules he became a part of the lobby group for a while
In my humble opinion that shouldn’t need to happen .

@smeagol I agree with you it is toxic and has been for a very long time now and I think it’s progressively getting worse

Again now my count of regularly chatters is increasing and we are 12 now . That 12 who have spoken out about ... I’ve no doubt their are many who won’t

[Deleted Member]

9 minutes ago, SammyB said:

Evening Charli hunni , I can honestly say you have always been warm and welcoming and supportive to newbies when I have been in

Yes some people don’t like change but that isn’t it at all . Personally I enjoyed the changes for lots of reasons

I can only say that I have managed to use the chat room over 3 yrs and I’ve never had toxic attacks like some have had

I will give you an example few months back , younger inexperienced guy interested in exploring subbing and pegging , he came into chat one day and he was jumped on for not using the right language and he was given a hard time to the I would say ridiculed .

Couple of weeks later he knocked on my inbox , we chatted , I explained a couple things , explained he would be better off with a pic of some description, I helped him with his profile . He put up a generic bum pic
I said right let’s go into chat
I introduced him
I whispered one of the long standing regs and they said they would keep an eye out
Quickly he became a regular short after that . Because both myself and the other member had some banter and he understood the chat rules he became a part of the lobby group for a while
In my humble opinion that shouldn’t need to happen .

@smeagol I agree with you it is toxic and has been for a very long time now and I think it’s progressively getting worse

Again now my count of regularly chatters is increasing and we are 12 now . That 12 who have spoken out about ... I’ve no doubt their are many who won’t


 

THank Sammy. It can be hard to be objective about yourself and I would prefer to know if I need to adjust my behaviour. I'm terrible at feedback, but once I spit the dummy and lick my wounds, I can change lol

Edited January 22, 2021 by Deleted Member
rep vocab

[SammyB]

10 minutes ago, Lady_Char said:

THank Sammy. It can be hard to be objective about yourself and I would prefer to know if I need to adjust my behaviour. I'm terrible at feedback, but once I spit the dummy and lick my wounds, I can change lol

I’d like to think that in a community that speaks of certain value systems where we are suppose to be. Non judgemental that we should be able to approach someone and speak to another and give feedback or express an opinion ...

sadly with many the values that are preached are often lips service and tokenism 

Like you I’d like to think that if give offended someone they would approach me , sometimes it’s easier to accept things about ourselves when it’s pointed out . I would probably be the same as you but I’d like to think I’d take it on the chin and  do some set reflecting and change 

[Lillyth]

I just want to say thank you to everyone that has left a reply and shared their experiences and thoughts on this subject. I have been trying to answer each reply individually but there has been such a huge response that I'm stuggling to do this. It is very heartening to see so many feel the same way and gives me hope that things can get better.

I am personally going to do the following from now on:

1) Always welcome every newcomer into the chat room.

2) Put myself in their shoes and imagine walking into a room full  people that know each other to some extent and are chatting freely (as they should, as part of a community) and wondering how I can get in on that and also feel accepted. 

3) Not just say hi but try to engage with then and make them feel included.

4) If someone comes in and immediately asks to pm or if there are any Dom/mes etc in the room, I will not immediately tell them to place an ad and jump down their throat, but welcome them and engage them and by doing so hope to let them see what the lobby is all about.

5) If someone is trolling or being downright rude then I will ignore or if really bad report or block them. I will not jump on the witch hunt bandwagon.

I think all of this is a good place to start because after all we are all human beings and need to relate to each other as such and sometimes that means extending a courtesy to someone that may not be showing the same courtesy at first and giving a chance for the situation to improve.

Again thank you to everyone that has taken the time to read and offer their opinions and experiences and I hope we can all be kinder to each other, as sometimes we may be the only conversation a person has had that day.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

 

Edited January 23, 2021 by Lillyth

[Urassismine]

My observations from the lobby, for what it’s worth, from someone that is new and spent quite a bit of time there over the past week plus.

1) it’s definitely pretty cliquey. I see quite a few new people come in and say hi, people reply with greetings, but unless persistent in posting, can get drowned out in the conversation.

2) the conversations can be really hard to follow at first, and as a newbie, it’s best to just observe for a while, and you will pick up on the flow and the conversation.

3) overall, people are fairly welcoming, although it does take a bit to feel like your somewhat part of the conversation and not just an outsider peeping on in someone else’s conversation.

4) there are a lot of people that come in looking for hookups. Yes, they probably just don’t yet know better and some could be kinder in pointing out that this isn’t what the chat is for, but it happens enough that I can see how it starts to grate on people.

5) there are definitely some of the “regulars” are more willing than other to engage with new people coming onto the chat.

6) some kind of etiquette for chat reference for people to review would help a lot. Beyond just chat, just in general for the site would be helpful. I know that I’d still find that helpful now. I did several things my first day or two on the site that after watching the chat a while, realized weren’t thing that were really acceptable and thought well damn, wish I’d have known that! It would be a very helpful resource for those new to the site and would help (those that take the time to read) avoid things that might get their wrists slapped.

Edited January 23, 2021 by Urassismine

[Deleted Member]

13 minutes ago, Urassismine said:

My observations from the lobby, for what it’s worth, from someone that is new and spent quite a bit of time there over the past week plus.

1) it’s definitely pretty cliquey. I see quite a few new people come in and say hi, people reply with greetings, but unless persistent in posting, can get drowned out in the conversation.

2) the conversations can be really hard to follow at first, and as a newbie, it’s best to just observe for a while, and you will pick up on the flow and the conversation.

3) overall, people are fairly welcoming, although it does take a bit to feel like your somewhat part of the conversation and not just an outsider peeping on in someone else’s conversation.

4) there are a lot of people that come in looking for hookups. Yes, they probably just don’t yet know better and some could be kinder in pointing out that this isn’t what the chat is for, but it happens enough that I can see how it starts to grate on people.

5) there are definitely some of the “regulars” are more willing than other to engage with new people coming onto the chat.

6) some kind of etiquette for chat reference for people to review would help a lot. Beyond just chat, just in general for the site would be helpful. I know that I’d still find that helpful now. I did several things my first day or two on the site that after watching the chat a while, realized weren’t thing that were really acceptable and thought well damn, wish I’d have known that! It would be a very helpful resource for those new to the site and would help (those that take the time to read) avoid things that might get their wrists slapped.

Really helpful to get a new person's perspective, Urs x

[ab****]

Urassismine.... that is a great and perfect insight into The Lobby.
I try to welcome every single person that enters the space. I offer them to pm me if any personal or embarrassing questions they may have.
I have also been known to "save" a few souls from absolute annihilation from the "clique" you refer to.
I agree that a few "unwritten" ground rules may help this situation, but im afraid at what point do suggestions become rules, become law, and before you know it... the arena is flat and boring.
I feel confident that the folks that frequent The Lobby can govern themselves as well as the new people coming in.
Its like a schoolyard at recess...
There are a few rules and laws, but the mores and norms are figured out on the field as you go.
See you in the room!!