Triggers and convo in lobby.

[TeeJay_98]

10 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

Anyone coming into the room starting to talk about or child *** should feel like anyone in the party stop talking and stare at them. Its inappropriate and not the place to talk about it. Someone should have step up and remind that person the chat mood of the room.
Bdsm and fetish rooms are open for this kind of talk.
Its about educating newbies to join the lobby chat but reminding them its about having general discussion and not imposing your kink on other.
 

 

I dont think child *** should be spoken about in the chatrooms at all tbf Fab? And we definitely shouldn't be calling it a kink. 

 

Edited January 25, 2021 by TJ_Pup
Typo

[69specials]

It wasn't called a kink,the whole conversation started with the question is CNC an illegal act the conversation then carried on & the person in question said it's not for them & then said about there child *** & then the conversation changed to the whole act of CNC & people having there opinion on it then the R word was mentioned then that's when the person in question said there experience & I don't think Child *** should be a topic of  conversation but that wasn't how it started either & Jen walked in when the person mentioned the R word then next member said there experience after that Jen left,I did try Whisper to see if she qS OK but she already left then conversation changed then I went to bed so no idea after that.

Shame it had an effect on you tho Jen 😪😭

[Deleted Member]

Further to this,  even age play needs a clear narrative about what it isn't. 

This is an important aspect of exploring and understanding what many like to do in their kink.... a very difficult balance for all to manage... what I do know is we are all in charge of ourselves,  we can't police or influence others only our own responses and reactions to a situation or subject. 

🔥🔥🔥

[Deleted Member]

You're always active here and well respected. I'm sure your words will be taken on board @JenniferTP. Between this and other posts of a similar narrative that have been put up recently, it seems apparent that something needs to be done on a broader scale. I'm surprised there isn't a bit of code somewhere that can flag certain words and phrases automatically at the very least.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, TJ_Pup said:

And we definitely shouldn't be calling it a kink. 

I wasn’t talking about child ***. But other topics of course. I don’t think there would be any site including this as a kink, it’s illegal and tbh only a few sick peoples would. 
On the other bigger fetish site there are group for people who want to talk about their past, knowing there are others who could support them or just  talking about it because they can’t or couldn’t do it in the outside. 

[Deleted Member]

Maybe regulars to the chat lobby should be designated on the start of the chat and intervene if anything is going side way... 

[TeeJay_98]

13 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

I wasn’t talking about child ***. But other topics of course. I don’t think there would be any site including this as a kink, it’s illegal and tbh only a few sick peoples would. 
On the other bigger fetish site there are group for people who want to talk about their past, knowing there are others who could support them or just  talking about it because they can’t or couldn’t do it in the outside. 

Well its good to know you arent condoning it, your message was a little unclear, glad to have cleared that up 👌🏻 

 

10 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

Maybe regulars to the chat lobby should be designated on the start of the chat and intervene if anything is going side way... 

This is why we have Moderators, members only have the ability to intervene to an extent, which they do - but the Mods have the higher status and the ability to kick when necessary.

The site couldn't give members the ability, it would cause irreversible issues and power trips between members within the chatrooms.  Potentially making the issue far worse than it currently is 🤷🏼‍♀️  

Unfortunately the mods can't be around 24/7 and we shouldn't expect them to be. Its not a playground full of kids that need constant supervision - the block feature works wonders when its needed.  

Something definitely has to change I'm not disputing that, but it might be something for everyone to think about and put forward to the fetish support team. 

 

 

[Je****]

4 hours ago, 69specials said:

It wasn't called a kink,the whole conversation started with the question is CNC an illegal act the conversation then carried on & the person in question said it's not for them & then said about there child *** & then the conversation changed to the whole act of CNC & people having there opinion on it then the R word was mentioned then that's when the person in question said there experience & I don't think Child *** should be a topic of  conversation but that wasn't how it started either & Jen walked in when the person mentioned the R word then next member said there experience after that Jen left,I did try Whisper to see if she qS OK but she already left then conversation changed then I went to bed so no idea after that.

Shame it had an effect on you tho Jen 😪😭

i agree it wasnt called a kink. i did not see any mention of cnc though. being through a traumatic experience u dont see ANYTHING but that trigger word cus it literally sticks out like sore thumb and instantly triggers and upsets. i didnt even have time before the mention of child molestation and god forbid that someone else seen those particular words and got upset to the extent that i did. 

i get people open up about  trauma but in a kink chat room it shouldnt even have mentions of children being ***d cus u physically dont know who is gonna read it. 

i did leave as fast as i could though, you are right and im sorry if i seemed rude but those two comments seriously had me in a bad way.

 

the WHOLE point of this post is for peope to maybe be mindful of violent play or wording that could seriously upset another person. i didnt choose to read those words. that choice was taken from me and as a result i was in a state. perhaps another room for violent acts of sexual natures or whatever would be better suited so peope have a CHOICE to read it.

[Je****]

5 hours ago, Firewitch said:

Further to this,  even age play needs a clear narrative about what it isn't. 

This is an important aspect of exploring and understanding what many like to do in their kink.... a very difficult balance for all to manage... what I do know is we are all in charge of ourselves,  we can't police or influence others only our own responses and reactions to a situation or subject. 

🔥🔥🔥

i am not discussing age play. this is between two seperate adults who at the time are consenting to the kind of play they have. R play can be on that scale but....its a trauma. its a trigger word. age play to me can be nuturing and sweet and caring like a parent is. theres nothing positive about R play wwhen the word is mentioned. This is ***ful violent act. age play is not. 

and as for the child mention on things.... this was talk or mention of molestation. imagine a newbie came in and the first comments they seen which as i said above can stick out like a sore thumb is R and child molestation. not somehting ANYONE would expect to see in a general kink forum. i am not debating the play side of things.

perhaps a seperate room to safely discuss this stuff away from people who may end up traumtised all over again, posting these words and comments is taking someones choice away to be part of that convo. as i said it seriously fucked me up last night. if i had of seen it coming i would have got out. 

i am not policing anyone and i have an action on my feelings and instead of sitting festering on them i am writing and voicing about perhaps *** words or topics can be put aside to save other members from *** reading them when blurted out without consideration thats all

[Je****]

4 hours ago, KinkySirXxX said:

You're always active here and well respected. I'm sure your words will be taken on board @JenniferTP. Between this and other posts of a similar narrative that have been put up recently, it seems apparent that something needs to be done on a broader scale. I'm surprised there isn't a bit of code somewhere that can flag certain words and phrases automatically at the very least.

i am always active. i wouldnt say well repsected as some are not so fond of me but i do try to voice my self 100% and be transparent as best i can. yeh there is something wrong with tension in lobby but thats not the main issue i am pointing out. i hope that sensitive trigger wording can be placed elsewhere so some members arent ***d out in ***. 

maybe they can flag some words sometimes. but its not always easy.

[meretrix-3418]

Due to my own trauma I will frequently leave chat when CSE or CSA and R and sexual assault are mentioned in the context of kink chat.

I do find that sometimes these conversations can be had when discussing the psychology behind kink, I personally feel that this is ok and conversations like this are healthy, I also believe in content warnings for such conversation, and in a chat that moves as fast as the lobby does I know this wouldn't be an option in there. In short Jenn I agree with you and feel like topics which are trauma triggers such as CNC shouldn't be discussed in the lobby.

[Th****]

6 hours ago, JenniferTP said:

the post is mainly for consideration that no child related *** be mentioned and possibly more violated R stuff or play of *** be in their own room so people dont get upset due to past experiences. i am sorry for each and every other person whos experienced it but even by discussing it can seriously affect another just by reading. 

 

6 hours ago, 69specials said:

the conversation was about CNC & the person in question had said it's not for them due to childhood trauma

While I respect you were patently deeply triggered by this Jen, and my sympathies for that. I think if you censure any mention of the subject at all that it may well lead to it affecting the victims of childhood trauma. 

Looking at 69specials comment, it looks like the person involved was using the childhood trauma as a justification to not engage in play. We must be aware an alert that despite our triggers the victims of trauma are still progressing from being survivors to thrivers.  

I am fully supportive of the topic being a 'no go area', as it is such a wide trigger, regarding child ***.

I would hate to see the victims punished any more than they already have been by silencing them all over again.

[Je****]

12 minutes ago, Thebian said:

 

While I respect you were patently deeply triggered by this Jen, and my sympathies for that. I think if you censure any mention of the subject at all that it may well lead to it affecting the victims of childhood trauma. 

Looking at 69specials comment, it looks like the person involved was using the childhood trauma as a justification to not engage in play. We must be aware an alert that despite our triggers the victims of trauma are still progressing from being survivors to thrivers.  

I am fully supportive of the topic being a 'no go area', as it is such a wide trigger, regarding child ***.

I would hate to see the victims punished any more than they already have been by silencing them all over again.

i get what 69 was saying. but i stil thin those words should never be mentioned in a fetish chat room. 

we dont know who is reading it. who can get a kick out of it or who is suffering from it, or whos kids are currently getting over it. 

that person said they were ok chatting about it, but what about the ones who arent?

as for hating that victims are being punished by remaining silent, what about the victims being punished cus its being mentioned and them reliving the *** all over again in a place they thought they can talk about kink. its a violent and invasive act against a child and shouldnt ever be mentioned in a fetish chat where we dont know what the next person is experiencing/ed. its not fair that that one person is ok with it so chat and upset and spira 3 other members. theyre choice to be reminded of what they experienced was taken from them

 

i had a surprising amount of people speak to me privately also about how those comments set off their trauma and its quite frankly broke my heart. those poor people ***d to read those words and relive that again in a kinky chat room of all places.

[Th****]

6 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

i get what 69 was saying. but i stil thin those words should never be mentioned in a fetish chat room. 

we dont know who is reading it. who can get a kick out of it or who is suffering from it, or whos kids are currently getting over it. 

that person said they were ok chatting about it, but what about the ones who arent?

as for hating that victims are being punished by remaining silent, what about the victims being punished cus its being mentioned and them reliving the *** all over again in a place they thought they can talk about kink. its a violent and invasive act against a child and shouldnt ever be mentioned in a fetish chat where we dont know what the next person is experiencing/ed. its not fair that that one person is ok with it so chat and upset and spira 3 other members. theyre choice to be reminded of what they experienced was taken from them

 

i had a surprising amount of people speak to me privately also about how those comments set off their trauma and its quite frankly broke my heart. those poor people ***d to read those words and relive that again in a kinky chat room of all places.

I cannot agree that we should silence a victim. I agree it may trigger quite a lot of people but we are responsible for our own limits and triggers. 

Being silenced is a dangerous route to take when we are speaking about the victim. Absolutely the act should be off the table for discussion in general chat. 

I understand the *** of triggers, I have them as well.  I just feel that limiting the mention of a past trauma is a step too far. 

We move back to a place where we do not talk about it.

I respect the *** you suffered with this Jen and I sympathise with you and wish you every luck on your journey through your own emotions. It is a hard road. I will just agree to disagree here.

 

[Je****]

15 minutes ago, Thebian said:

I cannot agree that we should silence a victim. I agree it may trigger quite a lot of people but we are responsible for our own limits and triggers. 

Being silenced is a dangerous route to take when we are speaking about the victim. Absolutely the act should be off the table for discussion in general chat. 

I understand the *** of triggers, I have them as well.  I just feel that limiting the mention of a past trauma is a step too far. 

We move back to a place where we do not talk about it.

I respect the *** you suffered with this Jen and I sympathise with you and wish you every luck on your journey through your own emotions. It is a hard road. I will just agree to disagree here.

 

its not silencing victims in my eyes. its preventing the talk of child *** in a public general chat room. there is no reason any form of child *** should be mentioned on a sex site. privately with someone you trust maybe but any form of childhood being torn from an innocent minor should never be mentioned so batantly as it was wth zero consideration for anyone else in the room.

 

we are responible for our own triggers about this? no. i am not. i was ***d to have this trigger. it was not my choice. i dont need to journey through my emotions. i have what i have developed and i have what was ***d on me. i dont want to journey with that.

R stuff i can see that is popular form of cnc. child *** is not. it is not the place being a fetish website to mention any form of child ***. i will never agree that minors being destroyed by the ***ful hands of another should be on here becuase you dont know who you can push over the edge. 

thanks for your comments. x

[Bo****]

I am really sorry that you are going through this Jen. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. x

 

Having additional chat rooms sounds like a good idea, not only for the purpose of talking about sensitive subjects pertinent to fetish.com.

And the chat room rules are certainly in need of revision and clarification to prevent this and other issues from reoccurring. Perhaps an additional resource for further education on the discussion of sensitive topics would be worthwhile having too?

 

As humans, imperfect as we are, we will inevitably inadvertently upset someone with something we say through ignorance or misjudgment. I think we must continue to try to be tolerant of that in each other however much *** it brings up, while at the same time take responsibility for working through our triggers that are so unfairly given to us and find positive ways to manage our *** with the help of those around us.
I'm sure most people would feel awful if they learnt something they said publicly had inadvertently caused such hurtful feelings in someone else. We don't want to risk lambasting someone or pushing them away for an innocent mistake.

Reaching out to those around you for help is a positive thing to do and I'm glad to see so many people in the community holding out their hands in support. We are all in this together and grow together as a community, old and new.

x

[Deleted Member]

As several people have mentioned now, *** and consensual play are two very different things.
Perhaps it would help to make a clear break Jen. You keep mixing R play and child *** in your responses and it is coming across (to me) as something that is comparable. Totally different things.

R play as previously explained is consensual. It is a kink. Yet you seem to be negating that to an equivalent of R itself. It’s not.

Child *** has, is, and always will be totally horrific and is NOT allowed anywhere.

So if I may ask for some clarification.

Do you have issue with people talking about other kinks or just that one? Is CNC ok or funishment, emotional blackmail or chastity? All things are kink related and so very much in place in a kink website. It’s over 18 by proxy of being the site and yes, I think there should be a space where more outlandish or less accepted kinks can be discussed but again. It’s not for you or anyone but the mods to decide that.

Please stop comparing r play to the actual *** form. It is different. End of

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, TJ_Pup said:

The site couldn't give members the ability, it would cause irreversible issues and power trips between members within the chatroom

I was thinking more like a chaperon status rather than a full power mode. Yes mods are not 24/7 as they have a life but obvioulsy its not the first time i hear about issues in the lobby, so sound like not everyone have control of the etiquette or knows whats exactly the lobby chat is for?

 

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, JenniferTP said:

we are responible for our own triggers about this? no. i am not. i was ***d to have this trigger. it was not my choice.

unfortunately yes, your kink talk might be someone else trigger. for example you start discussion about your like for belt, suddenly someone start to feel unease....we need to understand there is a risk we might be offended or hurt emotionally in the chat groups. As long its not illegal or against the site rules.

[TeeJay_98]

59 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

I was thinking more like a chaperon status rather than a full power mode. Yes mods are not 24/7 as they have a life but obvioulsy its not the first time i hear about issues in the lobby, so sound like not everyone have control of the etiquette or knows whats exactly the lobby chat is for?

 

It will always be an issue unfortunately. 😔 

Hopefully as a community we can try and think of a resolution 🤞🏻 

[Je****]

2 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

unfortunately yes, your kink talk might be someone else trigger. for example you start discussion about your like for belt, suddenly someone start to feel unease....we need to understand there is a risk we might be offended or hurt emotionally in the chat groups. As long its not illegal or against the site rules.

perhaps i am just a bit more mindful. being in there as often as i have been i have seen and learnt what can affect different people and i try my absolute utmost to avoid anything that may or wil trigger to that extent. i feel(and knew) the post would be pushed off track which is such a shame.

[Je****]

4 hours ago, little_red_92 said:

As several people have mentioned now, *** and consensual play are two very different things.
Perhaps it would help to make a clear break Jen. You keep mixing R play and child *** in your responses and it is coming across (to me) as something that is comparable. Totally different things.

R play as previously explained is consensual. It is a kink. Yet you seem to be negating that to an equivalent of R itself. It’s not.

Child *** has, is, and always will be totally horrific and is NOT allowed anywhere.

So if I may ask for some clarification.

Do you have issue with people talking about other kinks or just that one? Is CNC ok or funishment, emotional blackmail or chastity? All things are kink related and so very much in place in a kink website. It’s over 18 by proxy of being the site and yes, I think there should be a space where more outlandish or less accepted kinks can be discussed but again. It’s not for you or anyone but the mods to decide that.

Please stop comparing r play to the actual *** form. It is different. End of

 

 

are you totaly reading a different thing than i am saying? this wholeresponse has completely baffled me.

i know and have said that R stuff is also a fantasy which is common in cnc.

i have also said that perhaps either a warning for talk about R or anything forcibly violent like this maybe have its own room to be discussed entirely safely without interuption and without triggering multiple people. because the comments that happened the other day affected more than just me. others felt they were upset by the mention of it all of a sudden, there was NO time for someone to leave should they have thought it was going that way. 

it is a shame they dont want to speak up on here about this but thats because of what they went through and announcing it in a sort of way. ANYWAY....

 

i know they are different things. i am not comparing. i had requested that a more brutal and invasive part of cnc which sadly too many have actualy went through be spoke about on here maybe in its own safe space. possibly anything cnc to people just dont get randomly sprung with these words in the general lobby when the last time they looked it was on "food".

 

i am also not debating what is or isnt a kink, i am NOT saying that i have an issue with ANY kink whatsoever. the whole point is for it to perhaps be a bit more protectoive over members with extremley violent kinds of play that someone may have been through and still be dealing with as a fragile peron. imagine coming into the lobby as a newbie who was looking for a safe space for a bit of general chat, and the first thing they seen was R and mention of child molestation. how do we know that person didnt go through it...was literally hanging on by a thread and had zero warning this would be spoke about. what if those comments said to blatantly without warning pushed someone over the edge? id never be mentioning ANYTHING regardless of context about child ***. THAT is my main issue. R stuff i know is a kink....but a fetish sexual site is not a place to be mentioning kids/***/molestation in the same sentence. ever. you dont know who u can upset or trigger and theyd never expect such words to appear on a site of this nature. nor do u know who isnt a very sick individual and taking too much pleasure on the thought of it. 

 

whole point. yess R play exists i can cope with that--- just better managing of when it comes up. perhaps its own room/cnc room to protect more *** members. so they have a CHOICE to read these words.

CHILD anything *** related no matter the form shouldnt appear on a sexual site. end of for me. wrong on every level mentioning anything todo with kids being hurt on a fetish site.  each to their own but im not against anyones kink.i wont be told or made to feel i am. 

 

[Rzero]

Jen, I missed the original conversation in chat, but I couldn't agree with you more. Child ***, exploitation, even the notion of ***, these are things that aren't supposed to be on this site. Hell, you can't even post a pic of you and your kid, because (and I agree) there shouldn't be anything to do with kids on this site in any capacity.

[Je****]

I WILL NO LONGER BE REPLYING. AS PREDICTED THE POST IS GOING OFF TRACK AND COMMENTS MADE TO IMPLY I AM SHAMING OTHERS.

I DO NOT MENTION SEXUAL ***. BEING A VICTIM MYSELF, I AM MORE MINDFUL THAT TOO MANY HAVE BEEN THROUGH IT. AND OF COURSE IM UPSETTING THOSE WHO VIEW IT AS PLAY BECAUSE MY CHOICE  WAS BRUTALLY RIPPED FROM ME. (that is how this reads to me)

 

ASKING FOR A BIT OF SENSITIVITY WHEN THROWING THE R WORD AROUND IS OBVIOUSLY TOO MUCH FOR OTHER PEOPLE. I HAVE TO FACE THE REMINDER OF MY HELL EVERY TIME SOMEONE WRECKLESSLY THROWS THE WORD INTO GENERAL CHAT.

I GET ITS A KINK BUT A SEPERATE ROOM TO DISCUSS THIS MORE BRUTAL FANTASY/CNC WAS ALL I WAS ASKING FOR.

 

ANY MENTION OF CHILD ***.....IN ANY FORM ON A SEXUAL FETISH SITE, I BELIEVE IS TOTALLY INEXCUSABLE. CHILDREN BEING ***D SHOULDNT HAVE A PLACE IN A GENERAL CHAT ROOM WITH 20-30 PEOPLE.... PRACTICALLY STRANGERS AS THE AUDIENCE FOREVER SHIFTS. YOU DONT KNOW WHO YOU CAN PUSH OVER THE EDGE JUST BY  MENTIONING THOSE WORDS. OR WHO GETS A RISE FROM IT. NO MATTER THE CONTEXT!!!

 

I AM DONE COMMENTING NOW AS I CANNOT EXPRESS MY CONCERN ANYMORE THAN I HAVE. I WONT LET IT GET TWISTED AS TIME GOES ON. ITS NOT THE REASON I POSTED BUT IT WILL BE THE LAST TIME I TRY TO PROTECT MYSELF AND OTHERS FROM TRAUMA FLASHBACKS DUE TO INCONSIDERATE COMMENTS IN THAT LOBBY. 

THANKS FOR EVERYONE WHO COMMENTED NO MATTER THE OPINION.

[Wo****]

"CHILD anything *** related no matter the form shouldnt appear on a sexual site. end of for me. wrong on every level mentioning anything todo with kids being hurt on a fetish site.  each to their own but im not against anyones kink.i wont be told or made to feel i am. "

 

Been giving this a lot of thought.....

I don't think anyone on here is condoning child ***, or classifying it as a kink. Should it be discussed in chat? In context, possibly, yes.

Child *** happens, often facilitated by silence. You could turn on the news and hear about another case, is that a trigger?

I agree that a separate room may be a good idea but sensitive topics can, and do arise. If/when they do, perhaps someone could/should suggest moving it to another room?

 

I personally needed to discuss my triggers, I talked about why I have them. That said, it was done in private.

 

Jen, my heart goes out to you, both for what you've gone through and how you're feeling. I get it. I really do. You've been triggered by some comments. 

I needed tol ook at how I felt/feel about what I went through. I needed to talk. 

 

Your trigger was my liberation.

 

Should you have had to witness those comments? We're they inappropriate? Should those topics be allowed in general chat? 

One would expect some over 18 content, including CNC topics... the first C.. consensual is vital here but I don't think anyone would expect child *** to be discussed but, and for me, this is my thinking point, should it be allowed? It's a very sensitive topic. One that horrifies. If it helps one person deal with the trauma... isn't that good? But then, if it triggers someone, thats not good... Idk. It's hard.

 

This thread has got members talking... coming up with boundaries and limits within a community as a community. That has to be a good thing, so I wanna say thank you for a thoughtful, thought provoking thread.

🙏

 

(You're someone who has been noticed, and watched by many in admiration in here, seeing your personal growth and bravery in stepping up to defend and protect others and bringing your light into chat)