Triggers and convo in lobby.

[Phoenyx]

5 hours ago, JenniferTP said:

BUT the very next comment was about how they/or discussion of child ***/molestation.

This one is far more serious than just triggers.  Such discussions could cause this site to get shut-down---or worse, lead to police investigations.  Back in my day, one of the Doms in the local Scene was arrested for engaging in play with underaged girls (as young as 15) in private sessions. All of the clubs had at-least an 18 age limit---if not 21.  Still, it almost became a nightmare for the rest of us.  Luckily, the investigation proved that no one else was aware of his actions.  I was one of his closest friends in The Scene, and even I was unaware of what he was doing.  It is not a scenario that I wish to see repeated.

[Deleted Member]

6 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

i am a little unsure of the meaning of this comment. but i agree things a bit rougher but R play is a very fine line.

My apologies, I should of made it clearer. Your thread is about triggers, as well as convo and that is what I was referring too. They can be everywhere, hard to avoid at times and that was my point. Even in the lobby they can be found. 

[Je****]

3 minutes ago, little_red_92 said:

Ok so I mean this in the nicest way possible and appreciate that tone doesn’t come across well in text form but this post is tantamount to kink shaming those that enjoy a specific style of CNC interactions.
That’s NOT ok.
The basis of this website is that you consent to see the chat by attending the chat, if you are sensitive to topics such as the one described perhaps you could make the decision to leave chat when it pops up rather than wait around for it to get worse. Talk to a friend and reach out to others. You can also post directly into the chat room something along the lines of “ I’m not comfortable discussing or witnessing this so I shall leave”
Child based anything is 100% NOT OK in any of the rooms and that’s just common sense but if a user was expressing their lived experience and sharing, who are you to try to silence them. Take responsibility for your own triggers and manage them accordingly.

Now that all being said, I do believe there should be a room where the more controversial topics can be brought up. The key word for chat at the minute is inclusivity and by creating a thread because you didn’t like a topic someone brought up is not inclusive.
Is it not your (generally speaking not your specifically) responsibility to manage your own emotions rather than censor those that can and do talk.
If you were bothered by it then perhaps you should have called a mod and had the chat moved on or asked for it to move on yourself. It is not anyone else’s responsibility to navigate other people’s triggers. It’s unrealistic to expect such a thing. There are of course things that you can utilise to avoid seeing words that might trigger you. Blocking users. Ignoring them, avoiding chat during those conversations etc etc.
I am sorry you had a negative experience and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone but it’s a fact of life that you will see things you don’t like.

can i ask if you have read every comment i have made on here?

i am not kink shaming. i have said this a couple of times. i have also said that i am managing my emotions and that i recognise this as a form of cnc. i have also said that i did say "im out" and left as fast as i could. there was zero warning it was going down that route. 

i am not "silencing" anyone. but never did i expect child molestation on any level to be mentioned directly after R play comment. i will be ignoring and possiby blocking that person. 

 

the whole point of this is again for example scat, its shit at the end of the day. we are not allowed to discuss scat. its not allowed. but R is. they are very very different things. one is taking someones choice away the other is playing with shit. at its most basic defination. 

i would be surprised if many people have been attacked by scat to such an extreme level where they have had their lives ruined. again R play i know is cnc and i have also suggested perhaps a room for this more extreme kind of play be made, so people can CHOOSE to read the distressing content. the fact a child being ***d was mentioned was just upsetting. even if it wa a personal epxerience we dont know who has been affected by it on here. that is a real life trauma that no one could ever consent to in play or not. R play is. theres a difference. but maybe some triggers can be toned down or privatised just like scat is. 

 

but i am NOT kink shaming. i knew the post would go that route by stronger opinions but it is not what i am meaning. this is about peoples freedom and bodies being taken by someone against their will. 

same way certain play or role play comes up in chat, we dont consent to seein it or to read it, yes we can move along. but not everyone can move past being reminded of their horrors at the hands of another.

[Je****]

8 minutes ago, Phoenyx said:

This one is far more serious than just triggers.  Such discussions could cause this site to get shut-down---or worse, lead to police investigations.  Back in my day, one of the Doms in the local Scene was arrested for engaging in play with underaged girls (as young as 15) in private sessions. All of the clubs had at-least an 18 age limit---if not 21.  Still, it almost became a nightmare for the rest of us.  Luckily, the investigation proved that no one else was aware of his actions.  I was one of his closest friends in The Scene, and even I was unaware of what he was doing.  It is not a scenario that I wish to see repeated.

please dont get me wrong i dont beleive someone was fetishising child stuff. but the mention of a chid being molested to begin with was something that shouldnt have been mentioned, regardless of its intent. so many people here could have experienced it, and just cus one can move past and cope with their *** doesnt mean the other can nor may they want reminded of the trauma they faced when they come to a chat room to discuss kinks. 

i made this in the hope that certain topics or experiences such as this can be more considerate but i dont think any kind of child *** should be mentioned at all in a place like this, again we dont know whos reading it, they could be a very sick individual or they could have an extremely upsetting trauma in that regard. 

[Deleted Member]

Hi Jen, yes I was reading comments but on the app, I unfortunately didn’t see all of them so will concede that you have already addressed your own responsibilities in regards for management of triggering discussion.

[Je****]

1 minute ago, little_red_92 said:

Hi Jen, yes I was reading comments but on the app, I unfortunately didn’t see all of them so will concede that you have already addressed your own responsibilities in regards for management of triggering discussion.

yes LR i am def aware that my feelings are their own. theyre mine to deal with. but i wont shame a fantay just ask people maybe be a bit ore mindful as it is more violent and extreme than the likes of scat yet that is somewhat of a barred topic for the lobby. but the mention of a child being ***d in any form was upsetting happening straight after the R comment. i didnt consent to see that and im sure if anyone in there had been through it would have had a very ***ful reminder of their trauma. i hope maybe people can even see this and be more mindful of these kind of triggers and think about what way they phrase things to not surprise an entire lobby with it and for 100% more certainty not discuss child ***. 

it is just very ***ful to read in a kink community, and never expected. 

[Deleted Member]

Scat is not barred in chat by any rule. The only rule is not to do gifs relating to it. 
I suppose that perhaps it is not socially acceptable and so have become an unwritten rule but it is as of late night not against the rules to talk about any kind of legal kink

[Mz****]

I'm absolutely with you on this @JenniferTP, I've been triggered in the lobby by what seems like an almost identical conversation, although it was a couple of years ago now, what was equally upsetting at the time, I left saying I was uncomfortable with the subject and created my own room and a few came with me, those having that conversation followed and accused me of kink shaming, which is not at all fair, Id simply voiced my objection and left, I didn't call a mod, or report anyone..perhaps I should have done.

The lobby rules say: 

Lobby - Open chat for anyone to drop in and introduce themselves. Perfect for general chit-chat, kinky or not.

I wouldnt expect to see a controversial subject from those rules, and if I was having one I'd take it somewhere I consider more appropriate, I can't imagine anyone new to the site, kink, or chat would want an introduction to the site with a subject like that.

[Je****]

5 minutes ago, little_red_92 said:

Scat is not barred in chat by any rule. The only rule is not to do gifs relating to it. 
I suppose that perhaps it is not socially acceptable and so have become an unwritten rule but it is as of late night not against the rules to talk about any kind of legal kink

thats interesting ive seen on multiple occasions people trying to open a discussion about scat and people telling them its not allowed. 

anyway. i know its my triggers. im not shaming, but i do beleive more violent play that can relate to peoples traumas in a very negative way should maybe have their own room for people to choose to read. and zero mention of child *** as it can literally harm anyone whos been through it or have kids who have been through it. 

thanks for your comments 

[Deleted Member]

With you 100% on the child issue. Perhaps you could mention to the mods that they should implement a filtering system that flags certain phrases or words...

[Je****]

1 minute ago, MzJax said:

I'm absolutely with you on this @JenniferTP, I've been triggered in the lobby by what seems like an almost identical conversation, although it was a couple of years ago now, what was equally upsetting at the time, I left saying I was uncomfortable with the subject and created my own room and a few came with me, those having that conversation followed and accused me of kink shaming, which is not at all fair, Id simply voiced my objection and left, I didn't call a mod, or report anyone..perhaps I should have done.

The lobby rules say: 

Lobby - Open chat for anyone to drop in and introduce themselves. Perfect for general chit-chat, kinky or not.

I wouldnt expect to see a controversial subject from those rules, and if I was having one I'd take it somewhere I consider more appropriate, I can't imagine anyone new to the site, kink, or chat would want an introduction to the site with a subject like that.

i am sorry you have also experienced similar upset Jax. yes i always expect to see kink related topics, and i have left in the past when R topic has been buiding but i had zero warning of this. perhaps if there was a build i could have had the choice to leave before it begun. the child comment regardless of its intent was unsettling. i cant even imagine what someone may have thought when first joining the lobby to see a kink discussion to be met with a comment about child ***.  i know i am not shaming. its hard to read that people believe this is the case but id they want to see past me expressing upset for a violent act which im asking of the possibiity of a private room for as me shaming then fine. we all have something but this is a more graphc and violent one which many people in there have experienced, myself included. no more of less mention of it 13yrs later makes it any easier and the distress i had last night would have had anyone worried. people dont think about their words on such triggers sometimes but they do have a real life impact on some. but i am not shaming. hoping that people can be more mindful before blurting something so sensitive out

[Je****]

Just now, little_red_92 said:

With you 100% on the child issue. Perhaps you could mention to the mods that they should implement a filtering system that flags certain phrases or words...

yes. i get that it could have been used as a comparitive phrase or even a real life experience. but again no thought was put into the comment for the rest of the room and the impact their words could have had. it was just a shock to read. a few simple sentences could effect someone on a child issue. the R word is enough to upset me personally and i was for leaving just as the child comment came through i couldnt believe someone would mention any form of it in there. maybe im being naive and thinking too much but it just was upsetting to read. never mind anyone whos been through it. i hope it doesnt appear again but if it ever did i would be sure to maybe address the issue with an admin

[Mz****]

2 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

i am sorry you have also experienced similar upset Jax. yes i always expect to see kink related topics, and i have left in the past when R topic has been buiding but i had zero warning of this. perhaps if there was a build i could have had the choice to leave before it begun. the child comment regardless of its intent was unsettling. i cant even imagine what someone may have thought when first joining the lobby to see a kink discussion to be met with a comment about child ***.  i know i am not shaming. its hard to read that people believe this is the case but id they want to see past me expressing upset for a violent act which im asking of the possibiity of a private room for as me shaming then fine. we all have something but this is a more graphc and violent one which many people in there have experienced, myself included. no more of less mention of it 13yrs later makes it any easier and the distress i had last night would have had anyone worried. people dont think about their words on such triggers sometimes but they do have a real life impact on some. but i am not shaming. hoping that people can be more mindful before blurting something so sensitive out

I'm so sorry this has had such a terrible impact on you, and just because a subject can be discussed, (and I'm not convinced it can be, the rules are so muddy) it doesn't mean it should be in an open unmoderated forum..that people are so insensitive to how you're feeling, but so passionate about their right to discuss ***, says a lot to me. 

[69specials]

I was in there at that moment & the conversation was about CNC & the person in question had said it's not for them due to childhood trauma then the conversation carried on & so the person said what they said & then said it's all good as there not triggered by it anymore,I had said Hi to you Jen then you left straight after the comment but shortly after that the conversation changed then after that I left as was gone my bedtime but the original question was is it illegal to play out CNC x

[SammyB]

1 hour ago, JenniferTP said:

thanks for your comment sammy.

 

i do agree that it is a tricky topic. the R topic literally came out of no where as nothing cnc that i seen was being discussed. perhaps i was blinded but it was so BAM just there it threw me. it hit me like a wall then the very next comment was child molestation. no one could have seen that coming and it appeared quicker than i coud blink. 

i did leave. i said "im out" and i left as fast as i could, but the damage was already done. i do have responsibity for my own feelings though and would have left with the mention of R, had i even seen it was going that direction i would have got out of there as fast as i could but for any form of child *** to be mentioned.....in here. how is that right? whether people are consider or speaking from life experience why is someone able to discuss a child being ***d but we cant talk about poo. thats a childs life ruined and many people in distress if theyve been through that. people can somewhat expect cnc may bring out the R word. no one would expect a child being assulted to be mentioned. thats my problem, why someone felt the need to mention that on a fetish site, or why it was allowed without consequence. 

 

just more sensitive and life altering trauma such as a person being violated to the extremist levels i dont think should be mentioned in there. 

someone says ok lets talk about having ***d play? anyone not want to join in please leave or the topic can be dropped if preferred. fine, thats respectful for everyone present.

but to have it blurted out was bad enough, the mention os a child just sent me spiralling. 

i agree we should all have repsect for one another but i felt this wasnt approached in a repsectful way. i am a very damaged individual due to my experiences and had i not been stronger this behaviour may have sent me out of control in my own head last night, thats what is scary. xx

Jen im not going to go into my personal circumstances on forum , in my post I did say I and we . I wasn’t in anyway condoning what happened

We all need to support once another when these chats happens

I certainly know I have spoken up when someone has said they don’t feel comfortable and the conversations have not stopped

It is about education and because many have not had to deal with trauma in any way , it doesn’t really spring to mind especially when CnC etc is a common kink .

I do think for some it is thoughtlessness .....again it not an excuse

For some they live with the impact of trauma on a daily basis and it’s raw . Other have worked way through it

Certainly I know when I have said it’s not for me I have been criticised in the lobby
Again I have contacted the people afterwards and had a conversation

Please understand my response wasn’t about condoning or minimising your feelings

Sx

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, JenniferTP said:

knives gun needles are objects in the world.

R is forcing yourself on someone and taking a part of them or their body you dont have consent to do. as above i can get the reasoning that its a form of cnc and if im uncomfy i should leave. but to mention it in a public general room...thats iffy to me but whatever. 

the main part is child ***. why mention child *** or molestation ANYWHERE on a fetish site. 

if thats a kink to shame then sorry i will shame it. il never ever condone any behaviour of ruining a childs life. 

 

the R play was the start of it. that triggered me. im not kink shaming that either but suggesting maybe another room be made. scat is popular but not allowed in there....why is R?? could very well say the prohited chat of scat is being shamed then? same concept to me. 

children tho. no. never is it ok to talk about. 

I agree with you on children. R-play is consensual as is CNC as is beating someone until they bleed. You are having trouble seeing that it’s play for others when for you it’s very very real. Some people come on this site and insist DDLG play is inherently wrong and means people are p/iles. Where do we draw the line? It cannot be individuals who draw the line.

[Je****]

13 minutes ago, 69specials said:

I was in there at that moment & the conversation was about CNC & the person in question had said it's not for them due to childhood trauma then the conversation carried on & so the person said what they said & then said it's all good as there not triggered by it anymore,I had said Hi to you Jen then you left straight after the comment but shortly after that the conversation changed then after that I left as was gone my bedtime but the original question was is it illegal to play out CNC x

i didnt see mention of cnc at that stage i seen the R word then child molestation. it immediately had an impact on me. these things shouldnt be spoke of in there for me, as the mention of it even if that person faced it themselves they triggered me, and possibly others with that. they are ok and not effected by it anymore but not everyone is. i seriously spiralled last night 69, just reading those two comments sent me off the rails in my head leading to nightmares, flashbacks and extreme anxiety. 

the post is mainly for consideration that no child related *** be mentioned and possibly more violated R stuff or play of *** be in their own room so people dont get upset due to past experiences. i am sorry for each and every other person whos experienced it but even by discussing it can seriously affect another just by reading. 

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, JenniferTP said:

 i am a very damaged individual due to my experiences and had i not been stronger this behaviour may have sent me out of control in my own head last night, thats what is scary.

I am keen that you/ everyone keeps themselves safe.  There have been times when I've felt extremely *** here and withdrawn because it wasn't a safe place for my own mental health.  My kink journey has exposed my darkest and deepest vulnerabilities and to manage them I had to take time away to heal and reconcile issues.  That's the advice I'd offer to anyone here struggling because when you feel like that,  this isn't a safe space. 

You have support and people who can relate deeply to what you've said and I think reaching out is the right thing to do and not manage this alone but with people you can trust. 

🔥🔥🔥

[Je****]

8 minutes ago, SammyB said:

Jen im not going to go into my personal circumstances on forum , in my post I did say I and we . I wasn’t in anyway condoning what happened

We all need to support once another when these chats happens

I certainly know I have spoken up when someone has said they don’t feel comfortable and the conversations have not stopped

It is about education and because many have not had to deal with trauma in any way , it doesn’t really spring to mind especially when CnC etc is a common kink .

I do think for some it is thoughtlessness .....again it not an excuse

For some they live with the impact of trauma on a daily basis and it’s raw . Other have worked way through it

Certainly I know when I have said it’s not for me I have been criticised in the lobby
Again I have contacted the people afterwards and had a conversation

Please understand my response wasn’t about condoning or minimising your feelings

Sx

oh forgive me sammy if you thought my comment was in any way challenging. i dont beleive it was at all. the whole mention of those words in a sentence at all is enough to trigger someone no matter the context used. i seen it, heart sank and i got out of there. it played on me all night wit the R word but the child *** comment no matter who or what about is distressing to read. some are past their issues but doesnt mean everyone is who may read it.

 

i dont expect u ro discuss your private life thats your right to keep to you. i feel criticised at times too when i say somethings not for me but i try to own that its my issue x

[Je****]

5 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

I agree with you on children. R-play is consensual as is CNC as is beating someone until they bleed. You are having trouble seeing that it’s play for others when for you it’s very very real. Some people come on this site and insist DDLG play is inherently wrong and means people are p/iles. Where do we draw the line? It cannot be individuals who draw the line.

yes kate, i get that it is play and its sensitve for me. i respect some people maybe want to have that experience with a partner but i didnt have a CHOICE. not one day goes by where i expect to be reminded of the brutality of what i faced. but i know its sat there waiting to be triggered. il never be able to move past it. 

the comment, in fact the word was enough for me to get upset, thats how bad it is for me. never mind the two words concerning a child. 

if it was someones experience then maybe sau CNC isnt for me due to trauma and not a specific where child *** is involved again cus we dont know who has faced it and not everyone is over it. 

main hope is that violent acts of chat which are as upsetting as both can be somewhat maintained so people have a choice to read that and not end up distressed. 

 

i agree its hard to draw a line but perhaps where extreme *** like that can have its own space 

[Je****]

7 minutes ago, Firewitch said:

I am keen that you/ everyone keeps themselves safe.  There have been times when I've felt extremely *** here and withdrawn because it wasn't a safe place for my own mental health.  My kink journey has exposed my darkest and deepest vulnerabilities and to manage them I had to take time away to heal and reconcile issues.  That's the advice I'd offer to anyone here struggling because when you feel like that,  this isn't a safe space. 

You have support and people who can relate deeply to what you've said and I think reaching out is the right thing to do and not manage this alone but with people you can trust. 

🔥🔥🔥

it is one of them things that even the word is upsetting with an extreme negative effect. i have majorly with drawn from there compared to how i was but as soon as i tuned into the convo i was met with R then child ***. freaked and ran. the R word just reading it had such an extreme impact on me. i cant imagine someone tuning in to read the words child molestation would have felt if they went through it. i know it wasnt being fetishised but even the mention of them words together can seriously hurt someone no matter the context. we all have such diff backgrounds and experiences but just cus someone is ok moving past it doesnt mean someone else is too. i just hope voilent acts of cnc can have their own safe space to openly chat about it in detail if they wish, where more senstive to the topic can avoid it. 

 

its very few people who know the exact detail of what i went through and can see and understand why ive made this post. others may think im just being a moan, its very much not the case. but  was not striggling until i see that mentioned and i sprialled. i came back in once after for about 5 min but couldnt settle and took mysef off for the night x

[Deleted Member]

7 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

it is one of them things that even the word is upsetting with an extreme negative effect. i have majorly with drawn from there compared to how i was but as soon as i tuned into the convo i was met with R then child ***. freaked and ran. the R word just reading it had such an extreme impact on me. i cant imagine someone tuning in to read the words child molestation would have felt if they went through it. i know it wasnt being fetishised but even the mention of them words together can seriously hurt someone no matter the context. we all have such diff backgrounds and experiences but just cus someone is ok moving past it doesnt mean someone else is too. i just hope voilent acts of cnc can have their own safe space to openly chat about it in detail if they wish, where more senstive to the topic can avoid it. 

 

its very few people who know the exact detail of what i went through and can see and understand why ive made this post. others may think im just being a moan, its very much not the case. but  was not striggling until i see that mentioned and i sprialled. i came back in once after for about 5 min but couldnt settle and took mysef off for the night x

I am genuinely sorry that you’ve had such an experience. And that you’re struggling to move past it. I must agree with Fire though - sometimes we need to withdraw and heal. New rules, new limits, new rooms - they won’t take away your experience or help you heal. They’re sticking plasters. In a week or a month someone else may come along and say something similar. You will be triggered again.

[Wo****]

@JenniferTP

I've been fairly open about my experience. I was lucky that I could take my experience of it and turn it into something positive. I'm still extremely sensitive about some aspects of it, I'm still very uneasy about age play, it's actually a potential trigger for me.

 

You've acknowledged that the use of the R word triggers you but that it's your responsibility.

I'm so sorry you had a further comment that caused you to spiral. And I get it, I really do but where do you draw the line? If it was someone discussing their experiences, do they not have a right to talk about it? I don't think anyone would condone chatting about child *** as a kink.

 

 

(My PM is always open to you if you ever wanna chat x)

[Deleted Member]

The chat room got 4 different rooms. Most people here use the Lobby. As a general rule the lobby is for chit chat light kinky stuff, anything you would talk in a party for example. Anyone coming into the room starting to talk about or child *** should feel like anyone in the party stop talking and stare at them. Its inappropriate and not the place to talk about it. Someone should have step up and remind that person the chat mood of the room.
Bdsm and fetish rooms are open for this kind of talk.
Its about educating newbies to join the lobby chat but reminding them its about having general discussion and not imposing your kink on other.
Child *** or are a very sensitive subjects, some might never talked about it in the vanilla world and maybe they feel they could do it on here. As long its done in a room with people who consent to talk about it. And yes of course the child *** can only be approached as past experience or as a psychological issue.

[Deleted Member]

@Annalou