When kink and vanilla collide

[Leisa]

I come looking for support and guidance. I’ve been missing from the forum for over 6 months and stumbled back in yesterday. I did not realize how much I missed the raw and open honesty everyone here shares.

Late last summer I was outed in my lifestyle choice when my then soon to be legally my ex husband stumbled onto some paperwork from the site I’d left out on my desk. He had asked if he could come over to pick up some articles that he had left behind when our broke apart and I asked him to leave. There bold as day was fetish.com at the top.

While our divorce was mostly amicable and we were co-parenting calmly what only a few here knew was that we were locked in a custody battle for our ***. When he violated my privacy and found my paperwork my world clashed and once again I had the choice. To live with my lifestyle choices in this community or shrink back into vanilla. For me vanilla was killing my soul a little each day so I told him I was no longer willing to live in secret, to hide who I was, to live a lie.

What no one here knew is that he’s deeply religious and my lifestyle was a threat to him and all he finds to be acceptable. I thought if I educated him more he would see that this lifestyle, this community, is made up of those living the ultimate truth. That it was within this community that honesty, trust, and loyalty were key components of what we are about. That it wasn’t all about sexual preference; it was my life the way it was meant to be lived. That for a large span of time living vanilla was slowly killing me.

Long story longer ultimately this community, this lifestyle cost me my *** as he was granted primary custody and I’ve got secondary. While he has to get my input on important matters he was the ultimate decision maker and his choices were controlling. While it has cost me dearly it has given back more then anyone outside of us could ever understand. My question to each of you is while living an authentic life is my life’s ***, did I give up everything to live my dreams. I’d like to think if I could do it over again I’d still make the same decisions and follow the same path. Did I give up too much to come back?

[Wo****]

You'd have given up way more by not coming back. You'd have lost who you are.

I was lucky, I now have a really good relationship with my ex. Our daughter lives with him, he's a brilliant dad. Various things happened, and I did things that I'm not proud of but it's like I was driven by this need to be free to be me. I am now and I'm blessed that I'm now surrounded by awesome people and my daughter and I are reconnecting.

Leisa.... you did what you had to do. Xx

[LanceH]

It is a crying shame that they can make decisions based on our choices, but we can't throw their choices back at them. You lost the presence of your ***, not your ***. I lost my oldest daughter when she was young, but now I have a good relationship with her. Time can change many things.

[Wo****]

3 minutes ago, LanceH said:

It is a crying shame that they can make decisions based on our choices, but we can't throw their choices back at them. You lost the presence of your ***, not your ***. I lost my oldest daughter when she was young, but now I have a good relationship with her. Time can change many things.

Brilliant post! And true.... and thank you x

[Deleted Member]

Oh dear I so happy to hear this story, even if it's make my heart sad to here he could not the extra mile for you. I am in a similar situation but my spouse don't know anything or my family members.. it took me almost my entire life to dear taking this many steps. And to read your story it incurred me little bit more for my next step. It's so more important to be the real YOU. to suppress the person you truly are will only keep you down. Thanks for sharing this. and yes this community is so great.saved my life. :)

[Mo****]

Leisa, welcome back. Girl I was kinky way before , and when that finished, I went back to kink. I was so much happier and far more content with life when that happened. Life was so much more enjoyable. Not because I had the freedom of having no wife or *** around, but for the honesty of life in itself. My ex and I grew apart from each other, not because of a third party or cheating. I still had regular access, and paid my financial responsibilities, and even today, some 40 years after we split, we are still friends. If my wife could have understood this life, then I think we would still be together, especially if she was a member of it, but alas that was something that was ever going to happen.

So having been in a similar place to you, I think you did the right thing. You don't love your kids any less, and your not going to be a significant part of their lives, should your ex be a reasonable person, but you are going to be much more content with who you really are. With your happiness comes good health and mental strength, and so you can honestly face what life has to offer. I don't think you have given up everything, it's still there in just a different form which you have to manage.

I would have to say finally, your ex is a prick and will stoop to any length to get what he wants or expects, and is very short sighted with his views. You will be much better off without him.

[Ar****]

No, you didn't.

 

You said it yourself, the vanilla was killing your soul. *** need to see and be confident that their parents are the best version of themselves they can be; that they are vital, that they are true, that they have that spark and passion in their eyes.

 

When they are older, would you rather they look back and say, "Hey, Mum was somebody we can be proud of... she never let her fire be doused and now we can be inspired to never be ashamed of or hide ourselves either, whoever we are"... or that they think "Wow, Mum just withered and wasted into a shadow of who she was... what happened to her potential? She was a lesson in lying down placidly"? I don't really need to ask, do I?

 

You are fierce and bright, and you can shine for them again now. That will do them far more good than "primary custody" ever would.

[Leisa]

1 hour ago, Aranhis said:

No, you didn't.

 

You said it yourself, the vanilla was killing your soul. *** need to see and be confident that their parents are the best version of themselves they can be; that they are vital, that they are true, that they have that spark and passion in their eyes.

 

When they are older, would you rather they look back and say, "Hey, Mum was somebody we can be proud of... she never let her fire be doused and now we can be inspired to never be ashamed of or hide ourselves either, whoever we are"... or that they think "Wow, Mum just withered and wasted into a shadow of who she was... what happened to her potential? She was a lesson in lying down placidly"? I don't really need to ask, do I?

 

You are fierce and bright, and you can shine for them again now. That will do them far more good than "primary custody" ever would.

Thank you

[ElleFire]

Oh my gorgeous friend, my heart goes out to you. Aranhis is absolutely right, but I know it is still difficult. I'm here if I can help. And I think we should meet in the middle somewhere this summer! Let your light shine love! 💖

[Deleted Member]

14 hours ago, Leisa said:

 For me vanilla was killing my soul a little each day so I told him I was no longer willing to live in secret, to hide who I was, to live a lie.

 Did I give up too much to come back?

I think you answer your own questionn with the top paragraph. If i hadnt finally found the truth of who i was a couple of years ago i heve no doubt I would have been staring into a very dark hole. How much can we take before it all becomes too much? How much are we supposed to give before we think of ourselves, and our own happiness/mental health? Real darkness awaits those who give too much, and what use is a Mum whose either lost her mind with sadness, or has moved on to another plane? As for me when our soul is stripped away, and nothing is left, that becomes a very real possibility.

[Carnelian2]

I have had two long vanilla relationships, where I tried to suppress the kink side of me. It did not work, and all it did was to create emotional turmoil.
I am much happier as I am now, athough I am single. This also has nothing to do with playing the field, as I am as loyal as I have always been.
It has much more to do with just being able to be myself, whoever and however that evolves.

@LeisaIt is a shame that your ex' belief framework is limiting to his acceptance of aspects in society that he does not understand.
I would even say that his perception of Religion as being limiting and punishing is detrimental but that is his cross to bear.
In time, I am sure your *** will develop their own views. The key is to let them.

[Deleted Member]

Oh Leisa, what a heartbreaking post 😔. I can feel how torn you must have been and still are. You haven’t given up anything, he’s the one who has been unable to accept you as you are and punished you. I think you know that these questions are difficult for me also and I’ve always ***ed losing my *** if I was more open. I would dearly love for others close to me to understand that it’s not just sexual preference. But we understand and know what it is to push down part of you for years and years. It’s soul destroying. You’re allowed to be you, to be important. Please message if you need to talk. X

[Th****]

 

18 hours ago, Leisa said:

Did I give up too much to come back?

 

If you had not taken the brave and ***less steps that you did in order to be your authentic self, it would not be you living the life that you had. It would be the unaccepted person pretending to be a vanilla.  

Though the road has been heartrending and traumatic, the result is you are your authentic self.  

Your drive and determination was epic, and it will underscore the true value of who you are now.

Glad to see you back. 

 

[Dreamaway]

My heart goes out to you. At least now, any decisions made about your lifestyle will be your's and your's alone and you can have whole hearted satisfaction in any results you achieve from your own choices. Carry on being brave and, most importantly, yourself. ❤️

[Leisa]

15 hours ago, Newtothislife said:

Oh dear I so happy to hear this story, even if it's make my heart sad to here he could not the extra mile for you. I am in a similar situation but my spouse don't know anything or my family members.. it took me almost my entire life to dear taking this many steps. And to read your story it incurred me little bit more for my next step. It's so more important to be the real YOU. to suppress the person you truly are will only keep you down. Thanks for sharing this. and yes this community is so great.saved my life. :)

I was going to respond to you yesterday but needed a bit to compose myself. First, welcome to our world. As you can see it’s a very supportive community. Second, you pick the time to out yourself or not. No one should ever take that away from you. Third and last, while sometimes ***ful, living in truth instead of a lie is so freeing and amazingly peaceful. You be you and know I’m here if you need to talk. While my filters are set high your greeter to the site will know how to get ahold of me.

[Leisa]

15 hours ago, LanceH said:

It is a crying shame that they can make decisions based on our choices, but we can't throw their choices back at them. You lost the presence of your ***, not your ***. I lost my oldest daughter when she was young, but now I have a good relationship with her. Time can change many things.

Thank you for giving me hope that no matter what my *** can come to accept me for myself and that I can teach them that living the truth should always be the way.

[Leisa]

9 hours ago, ElleFire said:

Oh my gorgeous friend, my heart goes out to you. Aranhis is absolutely right, but I know it is still difficult. I'm here if I can help. And I think we should meet in the middle somewhere this summer! Let your light shine love! 💖

Thank you my ***. We should definitely meet in the middle somewhere, at least for a weekend.

[Phoenyx]

@Leisa, I noticed that you hadn't posted for a while.  I was contemplating sending you a PM, to check on you, and make sure you had been able to weather this recent nightmare of insane arctic cold.  I had no idea that you were fighting a nightmare that was far, far worse!  It really hurts me, to see this happen to you.  I am still wanting to make the drive up to CS, to attend one of your group's "First Friday" munches---if/when this Covid business ever abates.  Unlike previous plans though, I will be making the trip on my own.

Unfortunately, I have no ***.  So, I really can't relate to that part of your ***.  I do though, know all-too-well, the agony that comes from being cut-off from the kink world.  Because of "gentrification", I was ***d from a place (San Francisco) where the kink community was open and accepted.  Our home and community were obliterated, to make-way for rich techies and high-rise luxury condos.  I was torn from everyone and everything that I had ever known.  Our entire community was ***tered to the winds.    I ended-up in an area (long story) that is obsessively religious---to the point of utter mindlessness.

Often overlooked, is the fact that kinky folks also tend to be extremely imaginative, creative, and energetic.  They have a depth and beauty that extends well into the "vanilla" world, and beyond.  Conversely, in this "Bible Belt" hell where I now reside, the people seem as flat, boring, and desolate as the endless High-Plains landscape.  There are no hobbies, or road trips, or any other imaginative pursuits.  "Getting drunk" seems to be the only "fun" that these folks know.  They refuse to even consider that there could be far more to life.  Consequently, every day, I feel the ***, as my soul is slowly starved to death.

All in all, @Leisa, I am trying to say, that I understand why you made the choice that you did.  The alternative could have been much more devastating.  On the bright side, your *** will get to know their mom as an energetic and empowering person.  They will come to look forward to your energy and enthusiasm.  From you, they will learn the freedom to think and imagine.

Feel free to PM me, for whatever reason you might desire.  I am always willing to talk or help.

[Deleted Member]

Leisa, I read your post a few days ago...felt real bad about what you're going through but as I'm not a parent didn't think I had anything to offer.

But I was someone's child, so I have insight on that. I was born into a Jehovah's Witness family, a sect known for teetotaling, refusing *** transfusions, and not celebrating birthdays. Obviously this sect demanded "moral" living and in women, subservience. Domestic *** ran rampant.
After the deaths of my grandma, my aunt, and my mom, I learned more about each of their hidden lives. To me, the things they hid from society weren't so bad...mostly *** and nudie pics.

What would these women's lives have been like if they'd just learned to be themselves? JW didn't keep anyone "right", I seen the drama from my extended family on FB.
Would we have been ***d less? Would these women have not died of preventable diseases if they'd learnt to love and embrace who they were? They lived in the shadow of what their men/kingdom hall thought. My mom left the sect when I was a child but the shame never left her. She worked so hard to hide things that made her "look bad" from everyone and ended up isolated at the end of her life.

I can't help but agree with those that say your kids need to know you as a woman of strength. I could never presume to advise, but you have my support.