Interviewing Subs

[Deleted Member]

I was taught the sacred art of domination by a legend some 25 years ago. As my mentor taught, subs should be deeply interviewed over time, nothing at all like in the Emma Marx films (or for the less informed 50 shades). Do any other doms have an in depth process to ensure both D&s have a crystal clear understanding of the relational dynamics and what are your methods for ensuring a lasting, fulfilling experience for each party?

[Deleted Member]

We live in a time of quicker gratification and shorter attention spans, and to a degree the illusion of choice.

These apps are built to generate superficial connections, create noise/traffic and rein*** that illusion of choice. People get hooked on the discovery phase and the initial conversations, or they’re dissuaded by some trivial “ick”, rather than taking the time to get to know someone properly and developing a stronger bond before delving into the relationship dynamics and exploring kinks.

There’s the odd occasion where a conversation flows and a meaningful connection develops, but the apps aren’t designed to help you find a partner. They’re designed to keep you occupied with superficial conversations masquerading as kink exploration

[Ca****]

Yes I do interview ppl who want to be my sub/slave because I want to know if we understand each other kinks, limits and boundaries.

My progress can take 4 weeks to 6 months depending on the location of the potential sub/slave, time difference, availability.

I also go by the 3/6 rule, that is three dates before vanilla sex and 6 dates before BDSM.

After everything is ok I then move onto a trial stage which last 6 months.

Alot of "subs/slaves" hate this they want to experience it straight away but I was brought up and taught that you sub/slave was your partner,lover and best friend. You can't make that connection in 3 hrs chatting online.

It is getting harder because of the instant gratification they sub/slaves get online from pick me Dom's who show they junk and expect them to come running.

I remember a time when it was a honour to be called a Dom/Master or a sub/slave. That has disappeared now

[Ba****]

Well i mostly taught myself the profane practice of domination and i‘m not a high protocol type so i don’t interview anybody, as the one more likely to be the one doing „the thing“ it’s less my health and safety that is on the line so if anything i should be the one being judged worthy or not
Which is part of why i prefer the open and honest dialogue to keep the pre power exchange dynamic relatively even

[Da****]

Actually, the negotiation scene in 50 Shades is the only thing I liked about the movie… I think “the interview” is an ongoing process that never really ends. I personally don’t play with anyone that I don’t find interesting outside of the bedroom, and our first meeting BDSM items are barely discussed.

If that goes well, some more detailed information on background is exchanged, as well as expectations for scenes.

[Mr****]

Being neurodivergent, I also rely heavily on pattern recognition (intuition) as part of my vetting process. Gaining depth in mutual understanding, openness in communication and continued respect in all boundaries ( not just in kink) are essential for a productive and positive dynamic. Thank you for posting this, it is good to see comments from so many safe and sane practitioners. The community needs more of this ❤️

[Ro****]

I find it's not exactly an interview in the traditional sense but more like gauging thier communication ability and style. Noticing when they are being genuine in their needs and efforts or just feeding you whatever they think you want with minimal effort. It's not so much the answers but how the respond and choose to relay that tells me more about compatibility. Example, a somewhat nervous man fumbled somewhat in the way he approached but I found it endearing because it was a genuine. He was uncertain in how he approached it because well he knew he still had things to learn. He took to feedback well and watched him blossom into a more confident version of himself. Definitely was an experience of growth for both of us.

[La****]

I do.
I take my role seriously and bdsm/kink scene is indeed a risky lifestyle thats why vetting is part of the integral process.
I take approx 3-6 months before claiming a sub.
I need to know if we are actually compatible and if they actually know what they got themselves into.
The truth is, most fake subs want kink dispensers and not knowing what submission really is. They demand immediate access to the damn connection which is frustrating and unsafe.
But this is just signaling how they arent for me and not belong in the scene in general.
When you know a person deeper and could bond as complete human, there wont be any confusion towards the trust, loyalty and the intensity that you both would share.
So yes, I vet my potential sub very fiercely bcs I know what I could offer and they should too.

[ci****]

I need to develop a deep enough connection with my sub, and I agree with Lady_King - some subs want immediate play which works with some scenes but not the type of dynamic or fantasies that I or a partner I’d enjoy would enjoy.

I’ve recently started using weekly prompts as part of their tasks (if I’m getting to know a new sub). And those prompts often delve into who they are, what they like, what makes them happy. But I am a mommy domme so I find more fulfillment in caretaking than most.

[Do****]

Getting their intentions early is a good start. Asking questions about what they know and how long they’ve been in kink. Ask what drew them to kink. That gives you a baseline of where you’re starting. Find a sub who meets your standards and has a similar intentions. A sexual dom and non sexual sub will always be a disaster for both parties. Plenty of places offer courses and classes on the art of negotiating a scene. Never a bad idea to brush up on limits and boundaries.

[Laycette]

Yesterday at 08:26 AM, CaptainJacs said:

Yes I do interview ppl who want to be my sub/slave because I want to know if we understand each other kinks, limits and boundaries.

My progress can take 4 weeks to 6 months depending on the location of the potential sub/slave, time difference, availability.

I also go by the 3/6 rule, that is three dates before vanilla sex and 6 dates before BDSM.

After everything is ok I then move onto a trial stage which last 6 months.

Alot of "subs/slaves" hate this they want to experience it straight away but I was brought up and taught that you sub/slave was your partner,lover and best friend. You can't make that connection in 3 hrs chatting online.

It is getting harder because of the instant gratification they sub/slaves get online from pick me Dom's who show they junk and expect them to come running.

I remember a time when it was a honour to be called a Dom/Master or a sub/slave. That has disappeared now

Yes exactly the reason I am still single after a this time.

[Laycette]

Yesterday at 06:52 AM, ElHombre87 said:

We live in a time of quicker gratification and shorter attention spans, and to a degree the illusion of choice.

These apps are built to generate superficial connections, create noise/traffic and rein*** that illusion of choice. People get hooked on the discovery phase and the initial conversations, or they’re dissuaded by some trivial “ick”, rather than taking the time to get to know someone properly and developing a stronger bond before delving into the relationship dynamics and exploring kinks.

There’s the odd occasion where a conversation flows and a meaningful connection develops, but the apps aren’t designed to help you find a partner. They’re designed to keep you occupied with superficial conversations masquerading as kink exploration

Say it louder for those in the back!

[bi****]

This is human interaction at a weird level who tf interviews someone 😭

[Ca****]

1 hour ago, Cloudyartist said:

This is human interaction at a weird level who tf interviews someone 😭

Think of the vanilla world, when you meet someone for the first time you are trying to work out if your moral and values align, you are also working out if your personality aligns. You do this for around the first three months of your relationship (the honeymoon stage) it's around this time you know for sure you work out within yourself that it might work or it might not. The lifestyle is exactly the same except we put a label on it because it is important to find the right person. With the wrong person it can be extremely dangerous

[Am****]

1 hour ago, Cloudyartist said:

This is human interaction at a weird level who tf interviews someone 😭

This is also not christian mingle your profile says vanilla so im going to assume you don't have alot of experience in this type of community setting "interview " can have several different meanings it can be online conversation it can be public coffee shop dates getting to know the other person it's literally a safety formality for the Dom & Sub you're not interrogating them but setting the boundaries and guidelines of the relationship so you both can move forward with what you really want but this site isnt just for hookups try tinder or POF for that this is where you can learn desires you didn't think you had I've been in kink for over a decade step outside your comfort zone try something new you might like it but please don't knock someone else's methods for providing safe consensual care for their partners that's like committing sideways in bdsm society

[Th****]

4 hours ago, Cloudyartist said:

This is human interaction at a weird level who tf interviews someone 😭

From a general perspective, you're right. "Human interaction at a weird level", really does sum up kink pretty neatly. Finding a partner who is not only okay with, but actively wants you to beat them with a riding crop to the point that they can't sit down comfortably for the next several days is a bit unusual at best. We like weird sh*t. We've developed some general paths, processes, and techniques to be able to find other weird folk and to make sure that they're a compatible type of weird. Learning and interacting a bit more might be a better route to take here than to simply yuck our yum because you don't understand the process, the purpose, and certainly not the pursuit. Happy hunting, though.

[Ba****]

18 hours ago, Cloudyartist said:

This is human interaction at a weird level who tf interviews someone 😭

Damn ok i‘m gonna be sexist for a minute here

First a extreme example as illustration of who the fuck may need to interview potential partners
Imagine a 1,5m 45kg professional dominatrix being approached by a 1,8 90kg firefighter as a potential client, in this case an other less drastic ones her safety is a reasonable concern and her boundaries are beyond just relevant so she has to have a interview stage to figure out if his personality is stable enough to safely be considered a potential client and most of the points by @CaptainJacs, @AmericanAnarchy7617 and @These2Hands are for after the interview stage is done

But in the general context of this thread i agree with you it is weird
Because „interview“ implies a one sided interaction which would mean if i as a dom interview someone applying for the position of being my sub it’s somehow my boundaries and my safety that seem to be more relevant
And sure they are not outright irrelevant but as the one more likely to be unrestricted, with the initiative in most situations and the one supposed to do the potentially dangerous actions in the dynamic this thread just seems kind of backwards to me

I do understand that high protocol people like @Lady_King like the more one sided structure in this direction for stylistic reasons but any assertion the it has to be this way for safety looks sus to me
Most people just have „normal“ conversation and most „vetting“ is the other way around and less openly stated

I as the dom am looking for someone compatible who would enjoy my style of dominance, sadism etc while they as the sub have to worry about me being safe to interact with first before they can wonder about compatibility and enjoyment
I used a safeword twice to stop a minor annayance from becoming a major one, my personal boundaries rarely come up in practice and my health and safety are rarely on the line, and i mean sure i broke my bones during play before but that was via my own actions and fully my responsibility(and the hospital visit afterwards made a great public *** scene just by having her explain what happened^^)
And not throwing shade but a mere decade or two of experience is the flex it appears to be

[Deleted Member]

Hey, I'm a little late to this conversation, but thought I would chime in. I started exploring this lifestyle years ago, but life got in the way and I had to walk away for a while. The person I started under was very old school Domme, and treated it non-sexually. I am just stepping back into the lifestyle after having to walk away for a while. I have more soft limits than hard limits just because I no longer have the tolerance I once had. But my largest hurdle is that I don't get satisfaction from a scene where I don't have a connection with my Top. For that reason, I'm waiting until I find someone I can connect with. But like others have stated, I want that friendship, intimacy (not sexual) that you only get with time and communication. My other issue I have found with apps is some Doms want to play privately and I'm not comfortable with that in the beginning. I prefer playing publicly because at least initially it allows trust to be built without risking your safe word being ignored by your Top/Dom. It also helps that I'm an exhibitionist so I enjoy that.

[To****]

Real dynamics aren’t built in one conversation or one scene. If someone wants to submit to me, I take time to understand who they are first

For me it’s less like an “interview” and more like a slow conversation over time. I want to know how they think, how they handle trust, stress, boundaries. What they believe submission means, not just what kinks they list.

I also pay attention to consistency. Anyone can say the right things for a night. It’s how they show up over time that tells you if the dynamic will actually work

Clear expectations, honest talks about limits, and watching how they respond to structure… that usually tells me more than any checklist ever could

[cl****]

I kinda agree I think they normal conversation anyone with half a brain can get to the bottom, rim shot, of the info that we would need to know. I think the most important thing we do as doms, riggers, whatever, are the check ins mid sesh. You have to really pay attention with some people. And I'm always super plugged in when I have a genuine "people pleaser" in front of me. As subs they tend to push more because they just want you to be happy with them. Cheers

[cl****]

Accountability

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, 956useme said:

Hello I'm sorry if this is a stupid question? I am very interested in becoming a sub but I don't know how to get a Dom or even interview to be one. Is anyone looking for a sub?

Be careful with your wishes. Activate your common sense filter first and chat about something else before you go into the deep with anyone new and unknown.

[Deleted Member]

April 6, Laycette said:

Yes exactly the reason I am still single after a this time.

And I am sure it is getting harder with each year and more learned experience every time. With 18 we had no long no-go list, we tried a lot without thinking or overthinking, but today a wrong decision has a lot more impact on our future life.

[Go****]

I wouldn’t say I have a a particular process, but definitely timely in constant curiosity and sensitivity to town people’s experience.

Dominating in life, in general (not just kink) is about hyper awareness and skillful action.

Religiously inquiring and asking deep and meaningful questions of your partners as well as listening even more deeply to their answers is a recipe for success, or for avoiding sub-optimal situations.

Personally I just tend to keep this conversational, observational and organic though, not some ultra protocol led type of vibe.