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Hoping for Help


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Hello, so I'm new to the forum and hope that I've found the right place because I really need some help. So my wife and I (lesbian relationship, don't know how much that actually changes) anyways we're really trying to make a D/s relationship work between us with her as the submissive and myself as the Dominant. We've been attempting to make it work for a while now with some success but I feel so lost sometimes when trying to be a good Dominant for her. I know I sometimes have trouble being a dominant person myself in just day to day, although I"m making an effort to be more assertive and confident and actually sticking to decisions and that's going well. Sorry I'm getting a bit rambly, anyways, where I find that a big stressor for us is and where I definitely need some help is being Dominant in the day to day outside of the bedroom. It's something my wife has requested and I have been racking my brain trying to come up with how to be the Dominant outside of sex and what kind of orders I can possibly give during a normal day that don't end up turning into something sexual. Again I really hope I"m posting in the right place, but any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. I really want to be a great Dominant to her so I'm trying to do everything I can to learn more. Thanks in advance.


I have just written this on another post and it may apply to you too......

Some things we do:

I will text Sir to say where I'm going and what I'm doing in the day (I like him knowing my day and he likes to know I'm safe)


He sets me a bedtime (which I often don't do- naughty!)


He will naturally take over and I let him,  this might be seen by many as old fashioned ways.... opening doors for me/ helping me put my jacket on/ choosing what to eat or cook.... also in response I will ask him (I have lots of serious decisions to make in my job and not having to do this at home is perfect and a happy submission for me)


Sexually I am his and he will take what he wants whenever he wants (I am happy to make him happy)


Sir has been in dynamics previously that have been more prescriptive, where he has sought to  assert more control, however he found that this was not sustainable.  Therefore I am strongly of the view that I am benefiting from his hindsight which has been a massive positive for our relationship.


To add to this:

You could decide her clothes 

She could be told to ask your permission for certain things

You should talk together and find out what she is prepared to give you in her submission,  it may be more than you realise

Good luck






Thanks for the insight Fire, it's pretty helpful and has given me some perspective to think about. 😊


Might seem silly, but as a couple, you both should consider doing an essay, what she thinks dominance is and what submission is, and you do the same, these will be different, but it does help you shared each others perspectives and develop a shared perspective. 

This should help you first communicate your perspectives and later open the door to communicating more with each other. The aim is to see where you both are and where you both want to get too.

You share a tone that Dominance is in you and your approaching it with care, regardless of being Dominant  or submissive, the slowest member sets the pace, accepting this part is difficult, but it is echo more than once and helps you build confidence and avoid unwanted mistakes.

No need to force the Dominant side of you, let it emerge, it will branch out in other areas naturally.

Look up SMART (simple, measurable, achievable, relatable and timely) then you can build some daily structures and rituals to benefit your submissive...agree on rewards and punishments, this will take some trial, refinements and you will make errors (accept these and learn). Later you can indulge each other with interesting targets, main thing is getting a simple flow going first.


27/4 is exhausting and as Firewitch shares, is difficult to sustain, structures and rituals help, but you many need to consider time limits for play...one or both of you may need a rest.

It is okay to take a break and recharge, just agree clearly when and the duration, life does through obstacles in the way, that is part of life. 


Sound like you are both at the beginning, communicate, be honest with each other, keep building trust and respect.


Play safe and have fun





It is and can be a wonderful learning curve to discover the more secretive desires of ones partner...Take it slowly...learn from each session.!...As Patient Traveller said....communication...honesty....and building that trust ...respecting your partners desires...is what will make any relationship in a Dom/Sub situation work. .!...You will make mistakes as you go along...but that is part of the learning curve , it will help you to develop your relationship and take it to a level that you may not have thought possible...It is trial and error...before both of you discover what you both really love and are comfortable with...I wish you both a happy journey of discovery...cassie


i do not live it 24 7 either. there are rules set by my master that i obey every day. but most of these are for my own good but others are things id like to do that he as said no to. sometimes when we go out together he will pick what i wear. we do not live together but hes is my bf as well as my master so we do do bf an gf stuff. we do vanila stuff to but that just helps bring us closer. in fact when were just gf an bf i can become dominant witch he laughs at but in a fun way .

communication is important. we spend hours talking and speak each day about what are plans are for the day. yes master will tell me to rest but he did that as my bf before i introduced him to bdsm

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