The price of submission.

[Yo****]

Something happened recently that got me thinking a lot about the price we pay when we put time and attention into anything. You can't focus so completely on one thing without losing focus on another and you can't give time to one thing without taking it from another. That also means we have to be willing to value what we're doing enough to ask for a fair price in return. One of the things I will always ask for is honesty... That the price of my submission is honesty and nothing less. I've been approached by Applebee's Doms, aka Great Value Doms, many times in my life, and usually I'm pretty good at spotting them immediately. Recently however, one of them got under my radar. That hasn't happened to me in a long time and it really bothered me. I actually thought and still do think that he's probably a really nice guy, but that he's so scared to actually be himself that he has to pretend to be what he thinks other people would respect him for. That makes me so sad and breaks my heart. But the problem is that's also someone who's willing to hurt others to make themselves feel good and not in the way that we would consider consensual.
The price of my submission will always be honesty, no more no less.
I'd like to know what others think and from different perspectives. I know some consider Dom/sub the same side of the coin marked "service" but lots of different kinky paths and roles exist and so to the ways we interpret them. So I'm curious....what's your price? (Metaphorically please, I respect the hustle but no advertising here. 🤣)

[Bo****]

I'm with you 100%.
These dynamics just don't work, especially in the long term, without honesty. Honesty with yourself and your partner(s). I've personally been thinking about this a lot lately; how if you're not honest and willing to communicate openly about your needs and desires, one or more participants WILL end up hurt in some way they didn't want, intentions aside.

[ra****]

The sad reality is there's probably more fake doms than there are actually real ones. And it's very taxing, I think you're trying to look up for the people you care about to vet them.

[Sedorf]

Sorry 😔 about that 😐

[Ni****]

I agree completely honesty is the most important thing

[ki****]

You know those are some really good points I don't consider myself a experienced Dom in any way but I do really enjoy the dynamic and it is also rough because some of us are used to the dynamic with our previous partner and that can change very wildly from person to person personally I don't tend to call myself a Dom but rather let what I enjoy speak for itself and have long conversations about what it is each of us want and how we want it, I know it kills the mood but that's why it's important to Hash it out before any such fun times are started you find out what the other person truly is and maybe the dynamic fits with yourself.

[Qu****]

Honesty is very important but where I'm at in my journey there's also an element of being within the community that is needed too. I volunteer at my local dungeon and put in a lot of effort to try and help the community where I can so I expect my partners willing to be engaged in it with me. That could be from willingness to attend classes, volunteering or helping out when they can. It can also help weed out some of the undesirable people in my opinion.

[No****]

For the first time I found a Dom that Has actually sparked my interest and is a real Dom. Not a fake one like so many are…
I’ve just started thinking about what my boundaries and expectations are… In your words: what is my price for submission? Honesty and transparency. Both are different things. Honesty tells the truth, but transparency tells the the information without having to interrogate for it.

Those are what I need. What you are asking for is fair.

[jj****]

Ugh it’s like sifting through mud isn’t it? There are just so many dudes I do not feel like even having to block, hence no public photos of my face. I know I’m pretty hot, but it’s like… I really don’t value that. I’d rather skip that part and like have an actual conversation. The problem is that the super easy to spot men aren’t all that dangerous either. Guys who are just incapable of understanding other people. They don’t try very hard either, so you figure them out pretty quickly.

The actually dangerous ones out there actually DO understand other people. They figure out what buttons to push and are willing to say whatever is necessary to get whatever it is they want. They know how to play a role. YOU are going to change, not him.

I was actually with a guy once who bucked at me when I told him I didn’t want him sleeping over at my place. Like you got to be out of your mind 😂

[pa****]

The price of submission is trust plain and simple no trust and respect for your subs then you shouldn’t be a dom. I myself am a pleasure dom so I prefer to make my subs feel pleasure rather then *** or if they misbehave then overstimulation of pleasure works just as well as ***. Comunication is absolutely key so the sub always feels safe and doesn’t lose that sense of peace created in sub space to just let go be free to just be you and know that nothing will happen to you unless you want it to happen and if you say red then your dom emediatly stops and makes sure your alright and calmes them down. It’s the***utic for both the sub as well as the dom and you get a sense of self worth from true power exchanges and confidence that is truely unmatched anywhere else. To have somone who’s seen you at you weakest and strongest and they still want all of you still. It’s a shame that Applebees dom doesn’t actually give in and follow threw with there own journey rather then pretend to be something they aren’t it’s just sad to hear that they missed the entire reason behind dom sub play to be fulfilled in a way that nothing else can. If only they would just be true to themselves and jump in with both feet it would change there life

[Se****]

To earn my submission, a Dom must be honest, open, and ***. As a recent experience has rein***d for me, a lack of any one of those not only hurts the parties involved, it ruins all future possibilities of that dynamic. But those same qualities are also the price I am willing to pay to earn his dominance. Exposing the purest, most raw parts of our being to another is what makes this journey so beautiful (at least for me). Unfortunately, that exposure also opens us up for *** unlike anything I’ve experienced from vanilla breakups if/when the dynamic ends. Is the price we charge (and pay) worth the cost of the end?

[ur****]

I think its a combination with honesty but open and honest communication. I want my sub to feel comfortable to speak her mind not worry about disappointing me. So yes honesty but communication is key to all relationships. Trust builds off of that once you lose my trust I cant trust you with what you communicate off that. Mutual Respect for each other and finally a willingness to compromise without compromising yourself/believes

[Yo****]

These are some great responses. It sounds like honesty is a big one for most people, no matter which role they're in...but also communication seems a close second, but that makes sense considering honesty really requires good communication and vice versa, eh?

[Ju****]

Assuming this is for consenting adults, a Dom/sub “interview” should focus less on performance and more on consent, compatibility, safety, expectations, and aftercare.

1. Experience and identity

How do you describe your submissive identity?
What does submission mean to you?
How much experience do you have with D/s dynamics?
Have you had a long-term D/s relationship before?
What did you like or dislike about previous dynamics?
Are you looking for bedroom-only submission, lifestyle D/s, service submission, protocol, discipline, ownership language, or something else?

2. Goals and expectations

What are you hoping to get from a D/s relationship?
Are you looking for play, training, structure, emotional intimacy, accountability, erotic control, or something more casual?
What does a “good Dom” look like to you?
What behaviors from a Dom make you feel safe?
What behaviors from a Dom make you shut down or lose trust?
Are you looking for something short-term, ongoing, romantic, non-romantic, monogamous, poly/open, or undecided?

3. Limits and boundaries

What are your hard limits?
What are your soft limits?
Are there things you are curious about but nervous to try?
Are there words, names, roles, or scenarios that are off-limits?
Are there emotional triggers or past experiences I should know about to avoid harm?
Are there body areas, topics, or forms of touch that require special care or permission?

4. Consent and negotiation

How do you prefer to negotiate scenes?
Do you like detailed planning, broad guidelines, or spontaneous play within agreed boundaries?
What safeword system do you prefer?
Do you use “red/yellow/green,” a custom safeword, or nonverbal signals?
How do you communicate when you are overwhelmed but not ready to stop?
Are you comfortable stopping a scene immediately if either of us has concerns?

5. Communication style

How direct are you when something is wrong?
Do you tend to people-please, freeze, or push through discomfort?
How should I check in with you during a scene without breaking the dynamic?
After a scene, do you prefer to talk immediately, later, or both?
How do you express discomfort, disappointment, or unmet needs?
How do you prefer correction or feedback to be given?

6. Power exchange preferences

What kinds of control feel meaningful to you?
Are you interested in rules, rituals, tasks, assignments, s***ch protocols, clothing rules, or behavior expectations?
Are there areas of your life that are completely off-limits to D/s control?
Do you want control to be symbolic, erotic, practical, emotional, or some combination?
How much structure feels supportive versus oppressive?
Do you want consequences or discipline? If so, what kinds are acceptable?

7. Scene interests

What types of play interest you?
What have you tried and enjoyed?
What have you tried and disliked?
Are there fantasies you want to explore eventually?
What intensity level do you prefer: light, moderate, intense, or variable?
Do you prefer sensual, strict, nurturing, sadistic, ritualized, playful, primal, psychological, or service-oriented dynamics?

8. Safety, health, and practical concerns

Are there any medical conditions, injuries, medications, panic responses, or physical limitations I should know about?
Are there mental health considerations relevant to intense play or power exchange?
Do you have allergies, mobility issues, chronic ***, asthma, fainting risk, or circulation issues?
Are there substances, alcohol, or medications that affect whether play is safe?
Do you have any sexual health boundaries or testing expectations?
Are you comfortable discussing safer sex practices before anything sexual occurs?

9. Aftercare

What does aftercare usually look like for you?
Do you need physical closeness, verbal reassurance, quiet space, food, water, a blanket, humor, or time alone?
Do you experience sub drop?
How soon after a scene should I check in with you?
What should I avoid during aftercare?
What helps you feel respected after being ***?

10. Trust and ethics

What earns your trust?
What damages your trust?
How do you want mistakes handled?
What would make you feel used in a bad way rather than used in a consensual, desired way?
How should we handle jealousy, attachment, emotional dependence, or changing feelings?
What would be a sign that this dynamic is no longer healthy for you?

11. Compatibility questions

What are your biggest needs from a Dom?
What are your biggest dealbreakers?
What pace do you want to move at?
How often would you ideally communicate or play?
What level of privacy or discretion do you need?
What should I know about you that most Doms fail to ask?

12. Strong closing questions

Is there anything you are afraid to tell a Dom but think I should know?
Is there anything you want me to promise not to do?
What would make you feel deeply seen and valued as a submissive?
What would make this dynamic safe enough for you to fully let go?
Do you feel comfortable telling me “no”?
What questions do you have for me as a Dom?

A useful framing statement from the Dom side would be:

“I’m not interviewing you to test whether you are submissive enough. I’m trying to understand how to lead you responsibly, what you need to feel safe, and whether our forms of dominance and submission are compatible.”

[Ju****]

That's a long way to get to the FRIES model that I think is very good.

There's other ways to go too.

The acronyms expanded for reference...

SSC - Safe, Sane, Consensual

RACK - Risk Aware Consensual Kink

PRICK - Personal Responsible Informed Consensual Kink

FRIES - Freely given Reversible Informed Enthusiastic Specific

Do you follow one, if any? Why that one? Or are you a let's communicate, this is what we agree to boom and go!

[Ev****]

Honesty and commitment are always game changers 👏

For me it is the commitment not to eachother but to the shared experience.

I dont know what but over the last decade since I have left and returned to the community it is a huge difference. A lot of lifers I see or talk to only want the instant gratification of the immediate experience. No actual desire for the build of suspense or ease out of the Dom/Sub headspace afterwards. It has thrown me for a loop a couple of times.

[Re****]

It sounds like someone was looking for validation of what he's supposed to be. It's hard to weed out personal beliefs. Vetting is different for each person. Completely agree with honesty and open dialog about expectations. I'd also address past experiences and future goals. You only know the information you receive. If someone isn't honest with themselves, I'm not sure how anything would work. I'm sorry you got hurt. It should never happen.

[DS****]

In my experience with just people I can tell you that you are dealing with a sociopath and honestly it will NEVER be worth the time you will spend beating yourself up for not pleasing the unpleasable.
Yes if you care about people at all and have a heart, I can understand if this would make you sad. It makes me very sad as well to know that there are people in this world that have premeditated skills on how to gain power from others whether it be breaking someone’s heart to make yourself feel better or to gain notoriety regardless of the game. The fact is is these people know and consciously make the choice to hurt others for personal game and that is something that no one will ever understand unless you that type of person if I were you even though they got under your radar just remember that’s their whole game it wasn’t true that’s not how they feel and why waste your time heart and energy on something you will never understand

[Ch****]

So I’m somewhat new to this, defiantly been a domnsub, but to take the “validator” perspective, there is a spectrum of experimentalism especially with strangers that still fits a kink. So, the community accepts those in search of validation, which is extraordinary in itself, but without chemistry or communication the experience is inhibited, perhaps drastically. The best kink is chemistry. The price for submission can be evaluated as risk reward, and as with everything, humans are more comfortable with reward, especially instant gratification, even if high risk is pushed to the future. But the most comfort/best experience is sharing risk and reward. So your question is incredible! The price could actually be a reward. Go Werewolf chemistry!

[Ho****]

I look for honesty, connection/chemistry, correlation of kinks, willing/able to accept limits….. and also WANTS to make time for each other.

I know that I can struggle to talk about some aspects in person, but I have zero issue with those discussions through texting. It’s insane but I still blush like a little school girl sometimes *hides* but a desire to make time for each other and honest communication is often hard to find it seems.

[ba****]

I believe for me it's honesty commitment and safety so that I feel safe and able to be who I want to be in the relationship