Advice on boundaries

[Quil-7717]

Is it appropriate to set boundaries with my submissive on either when they should stop texting their friends or when they should stop talking about their sexual past?

Sometimes when I am creating a scene they will continually text a friend back for hours or occasionally bring up past sexual history they have already told me. 

Asking from a subs perspective. 

It bothers me but should I just let it go?

[Deleted Member]

Good communication is key, and I would recommend you discuss your feelings outside of a scene and understand why they need to text and talk about their history. If you start to dictate rules rather than agree them you risk damaging your relationship. It may be that your sub is bratty and wants you to put stop to the behaviour or it may be something they have always done.

[Deleted Member]

It sounds like that's a conversation to best had outside of the bedroom. It's bothering you and if you continually let it go it'll build to resentment, and is likely to cause bigger problems further down the line. I hope everything works out for you both :)

[ey****]

you need to tell them this is bothering you.  

But. also...

It'd be fair to ask not to text friends when the focus should be on the scene.  But, is there something more pressing there and then which is more important?  Are they trying to be supportive of a friend? Are they asking for input on the scene with a friend or asking guidance?

Equally, sexual past - is this to tell you of something you're doing or not doing that they would/wouldn't enjoy?  Is there something preventing them letting go and moving forwards?

These are things I wouldn't say to en*** - but to have a conversation about independently of any play or scene

[Deleted Member]

You have posted several times about your sub's attitudes. Would you describe her as bratty? If I was texting a friend mid-scene and with no good reason - I'd expect punishment for being so disrespectful. Not just of a Dom but the person. It's very rude.

[Th****]

May I ask a question, you said 'creating a scene'.
Does that mean you are mid scene or in set up or still at the planning stage?

[Quil-7717]

Set up. Mid scene would be hella awkward lol

She has a very stressful job. She plays games on her phone and replies to text to connect and decompress. I get that. When I have brought up the consistency of it before she got defensive. I support her needs but a few hours before a scene or bed I want that focus

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Quil said:

Set up. Mid scene would be hella awkward lol

She has a very stressful job. She plays games on her phone and replies to text to connect and decompress. I get that. When I have brought up the consistency of it before she got defensive. I support her needs but a few hours before a scene or bed I want that focus

She needs also to connect with you which would also help decompress. What happens when you suggest that things as they are aren't working from your perspective? That you don't feel you have her focus? Or is your relationship such that as your Dom your rule is that the phone goes away at a certain point. If she doesn't do that, consequences.

[Th****]

Yes you are right mid scene would be really weird 

I am, if nothing else, the king of compromise.

You most certainly can make this a hard and fast rule, whether you do depends on whether a Need or a Want from your perspective.

Either way it is better to communicate this to her effectively in an out of role conversation at first as non negotiated rules can be problematical when they are repeatedly broken, and hang the consequences. 

As @Curvykate says quite rightly making it a rule and then having consequences may well work.

Always have the Plan B to hand, in this case a serious sit down talk about it. It has to be said it is not unusual to see the level of rebelliousness go up a level or 2 immediately pre scene in some submissives. 

If you find that she is getting defensive over the subject, it may help if you do not discuss the fact that SHE is texting and instead discuss the way that YOU feel when she does this.

It is harder to be defensive about someone's perceptions of our actions but easy to be defensive of our actions.

I hope that this is of some help.

[Charms]

I'm a switch but when iv been sub I don't have my phone near my hands.

I have set ringtone for important people ie my mom and drs so I know I need to answer them.

So unless they call I don't answer when I'm in a scene neither does the person I'm playing with.

Its just bad etiquite

[Miss_Sarina]

I have no patience for brats, and if your relationship has that dynamic, then I can't help, because brats just makes my teeth grind. Assuming she is not a brat, then I would expect her undivided attention when I am talking with her.  For me the D/s power dynamics is no an equal one, and as a s-type there are certain things I expect, just like as a D-type there are certain responsibilities  I have. If I were you I would check if she is not trying to top from the bottom.  Or just using you when it is convenient to her. 

Nothing that an honest talk can not solve, and if it quacks like a duck... I always assume it is a duck :).  

[uk****]

All depends on your dynamic. If someone did that to me it I would tell them to get stuffed but that doesn’t mean it won’t work for you. Only way to find out is discuss it and if you agree give it a go.