Munch advice

[Da****]

My partner and I went to a munch last night and the munch was obviously an established group of regulars that attend regular events at 'the playground'. They are all very familiar with each other and have their own cliques, alot like high school lol. Well as we know high school SUCKED especially for neurodivergent people. Mostly we just stood around like the weird uncle in the corner at family reunions. Any munch advice?

[Deleted Member]

My partner and I have the same problem. From time to time we forget how bad they are and try to check one out only to be reminded how "highschool" they are. I've traveled the country and that's how most of the kink community is sadly. Those people have run off most of the people we want to meet to begin with. We've started our own munches only to have the cliques run us off from our own events. Take solace that you aren't the only one with this problem. You're infact in the majority, and these cliques are basically so basic that they feel a need to regress to highschool behavior.

[Deleted Member]

Join non kink groups that share your interests and you'd be surprised how many kink neuro spicy people you meet. A lot of them are in the closet about it because they also went to a munch and got bullied or shunned into a corner.

[Da****]

It was bad we tried saying hello to people spark up conversations but they just fizzled out and died. I even gave some REALLY good prerolls to people who were partaking. Nothing.

[Ge****]

From my experience, a munch is pretty much like any other social event. At the end of the day, we're all just people.

I'd say the best thing you can do is chat with people and see how the energy feels. If the conversation flows, great, keep going. If it doesn't, and nobody seems interested in engaging, I wouldn't waste my time forcing it.

Also, sometimes groups already have their own dynamics, inside jokes, cliques (as you said) and established friendships. That can make it a bit harder for someone new to feel included right away. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't like you, it just takes some time.

I'm saying this from personal experience because I've moved between different groups over the years, had my own group at one point, and watched it split apart too. In the end, people are people. A lot of it just comes down to finding the right energy and the right fit.

[qu****]

Sounds like the entire Rapid City. NGL, trying to hang with normies and find a good group has been quite a difficult challenge

[to****]

Between the female scammers and click groups this site is about useless

[Slalom69]

Are the scammers really female or just posing as such

[Ed****]

It’s frustrating, I get it. I am surprised no one stepped up to greet you. Lots of munches have ambassadors that seek newbies to help them find their spot.

Here are a few facts, I don’t mean them as excuses.

Lots of us have social anxiety in one for or another, I do. That’s why so many cliques form. Once you find your people it’s hard to expand. But they will if you give them time.

The next one sucks. It can be hard to open up to newbies because they come and go, sometimes pretty fast. Sure we always assume it’s because they were looking for instant gratification. And I am sure some were. But by not opening up better we sometimes drive away newbies.

I had a horrible time finding my people when I first started. I knew this is where I belong so I stuck it out and am more comfortable.

I will admit I still have my anxieties and avoid going to new places and having to start over.

[Da****]

1 minute ago, Edward_McMeanie said:

It’s frustrating, I get it. I am surprised no one stepped up to greet you. Lots of munches have ambassadors that seek newbies to help them find their spot.

Here are a few facts, I don’t mean them as excuses.

Lots of us have social anxiety in one for or another, I do. That’s why so many cliques form. Once you find your people it’s hard to expand. But they will if you give them time.

The next one sucks. It can be hard to open up to newbies because they come and go, sometimes pretty fast. Sure we always assume it’s because they were looking for instant gratification. And I am sure some were. But by not opening up better we sometimes drive away newbies.

I had a horrible time finding my people when I first started. I knew this is where I belong so I stuck it out and am more comfortable.

I will admit I still have my anxieties and avoid going to new places and having to start over.

The newbies thing makes sense

[typhoon2]

Cliques exist in all walks of life and munches are no exception, but remember that a monthly gathering might be the only chance for these people to see each other and so what appears cliquey from the outside may just be seizing the opportunity. Regulars owe newcomers nothing, just as sending a message online has no obligation to reply, whether neurodivergent or not. This isn't pleasant at all but it's how things are.

Now there are ways to overcome this situation. Many organisers arrange 'Meet and Greet' sessions immediately prior to the start of the munch where nerves can be eased and basic introductions made, along with questions being answered. It's a good way to make oneself known to the hosts and explain any issues that may arise, such as shyness, social anxiety, accessibility and so on. If they don't advertise such a service then suggest it, If they don't want to organise such a thing then post in any pertinent discussion forum to try and arrange a group of first-timers to meet up beforehand and attend together.

Once at the event, think about what you have to offer. Attractive, submissive girls never want for attention - again, that's reality not necessarily desirable - but everyone else will need to stand out in order to encourage people to chat. An interesting T-shirt, witty conversation, relevant knowledge such as new playspaces opening up or useful shopping locations; it takes effort but to enter a clique one has to step out of comfort zones sometimes, and the best way to do that is to have something unique and worthy of attention. Don't hog conversations. As mentioned previously other guests might be there to meet their friends and not plan on making new friends. Even the hosts will have plenty of distractions rather than hand-holding newbies.

Remember that no-one present - host, regular, newcomer - owes anyone anything bar normal respect and politeness, whether ND or not. It's the same online and it's the same at commercial events. Many kinksters are decent folk who will not deliberately exclude people but neither will (or should) they break off from what they planned or were enjoying to accommodate new guests. A second or subsequent visit, or seeing someone from another event, is a good way to break the ice, reminiscing about other gatherings.

It's tricky to break into local scenes, unless you have something special to offer, but obviously it's achievable as those cliques had to start somewhere! Patience and perseverance are your friends; don't expect instant results but don't give up either.

[Da****]

13 minutes ago, toofast5 said:

Between the female scammers and click groups this site is about useless

No i wouldn't say there were scammers because they said that it was a regular group of people. Hell theres even a prom event tonight

[Deleted Member]

A very high promotion of the scene (in the UK at least) is neurodivergent. I wouldn’t assume you were the only ones there. In my experience munches can change from week to week. Some weeks people are excited to see their friends they haven’t seen for a while and want to catch up. Some weeks people are in the mood to chat to new people. You can always reach out to the munch organisers and asked to be introduced to people, but ultimately it’s on you to find an empty seat and strike up a conversation. Munches are just spaces to meet people, not generally co-ordinated activities like s***d dating. If you become a regular face, it will get easier and once you know one or two regulars that’s much easier.

[Ll****]

Go to different ones around other areas

[Deleted Member]

I went to a local munch a while ago the hosts wore name tags and it was an outdoor event the hosts were very engaging and I went up to each one of them and struck up a conversation asked about the munch they were very welcoming for the most part but I went there with the intention to meet people in the lifestyle and possibly make new friends because I was new to the area and missed people I knew from where I lived in the past. I have to say it was a nice experience. I guess what I am trying to say from my past experiences any munch you attend if you are brave enough to strike up a conversation and ask questions people are more welcoming than you think you just have to be courageous or you can also sit back and observe and if you attend regularly you will get to know people and that is what munches are about. I did not go back to that munch however because I think I was one of the older people in the group and there was a lot of poly I just know I spoke to everyone that was a host and they actually introduced me to other people and their partners. You get results when you put in an honest effort and people are kind and respectful that has been my experience over the years attending munches or any fet night experience.

[Me****]

I’ve honestly held back from going to events or munches because I was nervous about that. I’m never great at starting conversation out ‘cause I never know if what I find interesting, someone else does lol but we got this! No advice from me sadly as I haven’t ripped off that bandaid, but wanted to say thanks for sharing your experience! Glad to know I’m not alone with the struggles of pushing past that “awkward” first few visits 😅🫶🏼

[km****]

Sorry you felt that way. I live in the Kansas City region and we are lucky to have so many diverse groups, most if not all are welcoming, helpful and try to bring you in. Cliques happen, but generally, at least here, there’s a connection of people that bounce between each clique. Find the facilitator(s) of each munch and tell them that you’re new, wanting to be in the community, that you would like to meet others, etc. I’m rather introverted at first so I had to do this as well. Now I’m friends with so many. I had to put myself out there, and introduce myself, *** myself out of my comfort zone to make this happen.

[Lu****]

Move out of New England for a few years. Kink spaces are just not the same elsewhere, like in the PNW for example. there will be cliques everywhere, but it'll be more like pup piles and so many more options than just one club or 2 clubs. We're more (M)assholey here in Boston and Rhode Island. Providence is cool and definitely chill and a place I'd want to be if I'm living in New england, but it's a completely different atmosphere if you can get to like say, Portland, Oregon. There will be a greater amount of people just like you when you show up in a city where ppl are a lot like you and it's easier to hang out in those spaces and you can wear whatever you want, not have to deal with gendered prices ,not feel like you're being judged when no is talking to you. I mean yes, im sure people have social skill advice or practice to talk to people better but new England is just an asshole environment Lol

[pe****]

It’s unfortunate but it’s every where. We have yet to truly find a group that doesn’t have cliques and gatekeepers. Our best advice is much like high school, find the ones that go between the tribes. Make friends with them and hopefully you can crack the code. In many groups you just never will. We look to different, I’m too quiet, she’s too provocative, it pushes many away when you shake the expectations. Divergence is unsettling for conformists. Unfortunately even with in what you would expect to be a very open minded world it’s just not the case. If you’re ever in Az and see a couple just outside the group laughing, dancing and enjoying ourselves with no one else…that’s us. We promise you that there’s always a spot at the table for the weird uncle.

[kr****]

The new people are the most important and in a perfect world or the world I would run there would be a rotating greeter to identify new people and welcome them in and introduce them to the group

[kr****]

We already or some of us already feel stigmatized so it’s important for us to support eachother just my thought

[al****]

What is a munch? educate me please

[Deleted Member]

This is exactly why I don’t go to meetups. I refuse to go to one alone either. It’s virtually impossible to talk to people when you’re the new person and everyone is already comfortable and knows each other. You’re either run off into a corner or tun out all together because its so predatory that the only person who approaches you gives off serial killer vibes 🫩😩

[Mi****]

It nerve wracking but you just gotta put yourself out there and dive headfirst even most cliques are still welcoming if you walk up and introduce yourselves. Also try talking online to people that go to the munches before attending

[ox****]

Hi I’m going to my first munch this coming Tuesday as a single guy like Daddvfera678 said you can always feel like an outsider but I have already been in touch with them introducing myself and this group have a greet and meet 30 mins before the evening starts but any advice welcome thank you in advance