Munch advice

[an****]

Seeing your avatar picture I thought you were the guy I met last night at a local event/demo and I was like 'bro I totally talked to you 🤣 and I said your hat was cool'.

For performance events what I suggest is spend time on your outfit, and get the VIP tickets and do the demos and ask a lot of easy questions, you will need to treat it like a networking event. Stay until the after party when everything is more calm as how to get more information. Connect with the vendos/promoters/troops on socials so you have a familiar face at events and secondary connection potential through vendor connections. It's just effort in a specific way and commitment thing, just like regular networking, sucks until it comes together. Take a class with the vendor/troop outside the events and build rapport.

For play events, play to your comfort, also you can ask the promoters for a tour and to introduce you to some of the regulars.

For Munches, see if you can get the meeting agenda early and bring some easy questions, people like feeling smart, just stroking the ego can go a long way to unlocking friendships.

Create an environment for connecting outside the events. Ask 'if I have more questions, who can I talk to, can I reach out to you, are you on XYZ social media? Have your own social account for your character/persona with an easy to find name that doesn't make you look like a creep. No like 'diddlefingers' or 'bytchripper' may sound cool, but gives the 'ick' fast.

[ey****]

6 hours ago, sardonicus87 said:

Where the hell do you guys live that you have more than one munch option within a reasonable distance?

NE England.  I guess it depends on views on reasonable distance, but the county I live in and neighbouring county rock up about half a dozen

[sardonicus87]

10 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

NE England.  I guess it depends on views on reasonable distance, but the county I live in and neighbouring county rock up about half a dozen

1-hour drive (1-way)... but apparently 50 miles is "omfg y r guyz so desperate".

[sardonicus87]

Although for me, the next nearest is 2+ hours away (1-way). I haven't got the time for a 4-hour round-trip.

[Be****]

Treat it like any vanilla social gathering where you don't know anyone. Message the organizer ahead of time that you are new and a bit shy/whatever and would really appreciate their help introducing you to different people.

[ox****]

Well guys I go to my first munch next Tuesday they have a meet and greet 30 mins before the meeting

[ey****]

4 hours ago, sardonicus87 said:

Although for me, the next nearest is 2+ hours away (1-way). I haven't got the time for a 4-hour round-trip.

yeah. understandable

I remember a guy I was looking at stuff with a while ago, and like - he live in a small town, ~20k population.   The nearest town with a munch was an hour drive, so 2 hour round trip. Nearest play event closer to a 3 hour drive. Ouch. 

I think someone else I looked with in a similar set up though there was a "touring munch" which alternated between 4 towns and so it was effectively once every 3 months unless you did the drives.  I do sometimes think folk in Europe can forget how rural large parts of the US is. 

 

[Bi****]

What is a munch?

[ey****]

24 minutes ago, Big151 said:

What is a munch?

come on man

it's been asked and answered multiple times on this thread. 

[Bi****]

9 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

come on man

it's been asked and answered multiple times on this thread. 

Instead
of wasting your time to tell me that,
you could of just told me Or not said nothing at all.

[ey****]

like, sorry. Though in the time it took you to type you could have scrolled up. Or typed it into google

Soz, it's just tiring that every time there's a thread about munches it's constantly derailed by people going "what is a munch?" despite it being answered multiple times, if not even obvious from the original post.  

[Bi****]

Funny how you’re exhausted by people asking a question, yet somehow still find the energy to write a paragraph complaining about it. If it’s that obvious, maybe scroll past and save yourself the stress. 😑

[an****]

4 hours ago, Big151 said:

Funny how you’re exhausted by people asking a question, yet somehow still find the energy to write a paragraph complaining about it. If it’s that obvious, maybe scroll past and save yourself the stress. 😑

Your exchange with @eyemblacksheep is actually poetically similar to OP's frustration, it's also the embodiment of the entire answer. For the same reason as the people who know how to fit in at the munch aren't going to put out effort first so too is @eyemblacksheep going to guide you to putting in the effort yourself. This isn't a punishment, it is structure. Those who do not know should be compelled to seek knowledge, not coddled with a silver spoon. Our community is a spectrum of dominance, these topics, the events, and individual dynamics depend on this structure to function correctly. Could the locals seek out the OP and make a big fuss about them, they could, but also they are guarding and watching and waiting for intention and presence to show up first. Could @eyemblacksheep just give you the answer, yes, but wouldn't that discount his presence as a dominant and regular contributor? Also, I wouldn't take it personally, his reply wasn't for you specifically (it was for you generically), it was for all the little eyes learning in the shadows, the next batch of community members. It speaks to putting in effort and coming prepared, staying educated, and being ready to contribute.

[Bi****]

That’s a lot of words to justify being unnecessarily difficult. If a community depends on gatekeeping basic questions instead of helping newcomers, maybe the structure isn’t as impressive as you think it is.

[Bi****]

Calling basic courtesy a “silver spoon” is wild. Sometimes answering a simple question is just answering a simple question.

[ey****]

firstly, I will apologise I was a little short.  It wasn't personal, it was just like it's a repetitive strain.

If nobody answers = acused of not being welcoming.   If someone asks and is short = accused of not being welcoming.  If someone repeats easily accessible information for the nth time it's unpaid emotional labour.

The question is answered *in this thread* already.  If it was not, then "what is a munch" is an easibly searchable term.  The information is already there.   But folk come along and without reading, without doing the most basic of searches, and ask again a question already asked and answered on the thread. I trust you have now read up and gone "ah, that makes sense" 

But as said above - people come into spaces and ok, yeah, obviously people turn up and won't know everything, a lot is still new, totally get that. Totally on board. And folk kinda do understand this.   But it's when it's some of the low level basics which shows little/no effort has been done and they come along like a toddler with questions that are already answered or super easy to find out - and it is a little, like, folk are here to help and support but you gotta be shown to be showing some iniative.  

Cos, yeah - you will turn up to a munch, or into chat - and then people will stop engaging if they find it exhausting, or assume you're not really into kink and are just a tourist because there's no effort to learn.

 

So anyway, as 7 times in 2 days isn't enough.  A munch is a social event where people who are kinky meet to socialise.  It is usually in a vanilla or mainstream venue. It is neither a play nor hook up event. 

[Ri****]

How many conversations did you start/try to start?

As you pointed out, these are established groups and inevitably you'll have to work your way in.

It's a little like going to a new local pub, you've got to show up, be consistent, friendly and get yourself involved to be accepted

[Milesh]

It's not about the number of conversations it's about the willingness of others to include new people I went for months to the munches had some great kink and vanilla conversations with folks and was still not welcomed one word from a dom ended the conversation mid sentence with the person I was talking with and suddenly everyone forgets who I am. Without advocates encouraging inclusion of new couples or male singles it's next to impossible to join a play group , as I said doms are only interested in collecting new subs especially if they identify as women . That's just what I have seen.

[ey****]

it absolutely can be difficult.  A lot does depend a little on expectations -  and if you are getting included in conversations and making friends/acquaintences/connections that is a good thing.  Of course, there will always be some who seemingly do not take a shine to you and that isn't necessarily down to something you've done wrong (or anything wrong with them)

Mind if someone is interuppting your conversation - you can kinda chime in with a "I wasn't finished" or resume later

I guess a reality also is that no matter how anyone tried to butter up munches... it ultimately comes down to, they're run by volunteers and people attending them also are attending with their own perogatives and that's not necessarily to carry newbies so yep, at some munches you have to be able to hold your own

if you do end up talking with someone, it's worth friending them on appropriate social networks (like fetlife) as you may be able to continue covnersations and/or rapport.  

Mind... as someone who has been about a bit, I've seen some questionable munches, or behaviour at munches which did hide under the idea of encouraging inclusion AND were welcoming to inviting people, including single males, to play events - but it wasn't cos they cared it was cos they were seeking customers.  I'd almost be wary of some who seem *too* welcoming. 

[jinxed]

On 5/31/2026 at 2:09 AM, eyemblacksheep said:

So some bits on what can help

- arrive early. Not like pre start time, but as close to start time as possible. A liklihood of fewer people to deal with and more chance to speak with the organiser or people as they arrive

- acceot it can be difficult to break into conversations and spend time listening, interjecting when appropriate.  Over time you will be more included

This seems to be very sound advice. I actually had an amazing time very recently during my first time at a munch I hadn't been to, and that was mainly down to where I sat, next to two very chatty ladies who turned out to be organisers. When I looked around the tables, it was clear that you need to be a bit lucky in respect to where you sit, but then I thought, even if you end up next to someone less talkative, there's always a next time. People will remember your face and at the third or fourth one, you surely will get a nice person next to you and just like that you would have found your anchor person. 
That is unless you are the less talkative person of course.. Then people might start to avoid you, I guess. 
 

[ey****]

we've had moments, especially in the early days - where either we, or someone, would have a chair free and it's been filled with a "so we've seen you about these... but never actually spoke" and that can be it's own interjection to never underestimate passive connections 

[MistressWhipplash]

Message the organiser before hand saying it's your first time and can they meet you just outside the munch and walk in with you. Once with the organiser inside the munch, listen to the chat and think of something to ask so you get included. I hope that helps.