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Munch Notes/Agenda - The CnC Munch - 1st July 2021


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Hosts - @Thebian and @Sara-Secrets

Contributors- @Sara-Secrets @lil-monster @PixieDust @Thebian


** Trigger Warning – This discussion will be taking a deep dive into Consensual Non-Consent Play. If this may upset or trigger you kindly leave, we only intend to inform and discuss.**


CnC can cover a vast area of play from being lightly spanked and kicking your legs shouting 'Please nuuuuu' in mock horror.

All the way to the far extreme of r*** play.


So, what does CnC stand for?

  • It stands for Consensual Non-Consent, possibly a description doomed for confusion.
  • Let us break it down Consensual is the most important C.
  • Personally, I think Consensual No Control would be a better description.


What is CnC play?

  •  I will state the obvious here, R*** is a violent act in which the victim has absolutely no control over what is happening to them. It is horrendous and I doubt any CnC player would suggest otherwise.
  • CnC is an elaborately crafted scene. The bottom is defining the limits of what is acceptable and safe. Negotiating this with the Top. This makes it the exact opposite of R***.
  • In an ideal scenario, it should empower both parties to either relinquish or take control safely.


What is not CnC Play?

  • What should not be involved in CnC?
  • It is not a unilateral surprise activity undertaken without consultation.
  • It is not to be undertaken if the Tops decision making process is affected by drugs or alcohol.
  • Do not do it in anger or to vent an undiscussed frustration.


So how common is some form of CnC in BDSM?


  • If you both have a safe word, then apparently No and Stop do not always work. So, there must be at least an element of CnC.
  • If you can say No or Stop and everything does, at any point. Then there is no CnC it is full consent.
  • Of course, having a safe word does mean that you are actively able to withdraw consent if you wish.


 When may CnC play arise?


  • Sleep play
  • Dubious consent play
  • M/s total power exchange.
  • Forced plays.
  • The wish to feel ‘totally Dominated’ to relinquish all control for a session.
  • Never by accident.


What might need to happen before CnC play gets underway?

  • Negotiate all your limits, triggers, needs etc.
  • Taking initial scenes slow.
  • If in doubt, stop and ask. You can always restart.
  • If you are Top learn to read your submissive, you will need to pick up on non-verbal cues.
  • Lots of communication generally


What should be negotiated before CnC play can occur?

  • Hard and soft limits within CnC
  • Any psychological triggers that are known.
  • Your absolute limits.
  • If you are using a safe word, then your safeword/s.
  • Any props that are going to be used should be discussed ahead of a scene.
  • In a dynamic a lot of these negotiations will have already occurred, and it may be as simple as just discussing that scene briefly.



Safe words, do or can you use them in your CnC? Or do you read your partners reactions?

  • There is a difference between 'no..' and ‘Stop you dick!'
  • Sara and I both use the ability to time out.
  • Nonverbal subspace and safe signals.
  • Does having a safe word mean it will be respected?
  • We had the wonderful suggestion of the use of a squeaky dog toy to be held by Submissives who go into non-verbal subspace. Thank you for that it had totally skipped my mind.
  • I mentioned that Sara uses the same sub-conscious hand signal when in non-verbal space if she is getting over stressed. I take it as the equivalent of an Amber safe word and check in.
  • The importance of learning to read your submissive’s non-verbal cues, signals, expression, body language, breathing etc.


Is CnC an activity that should be reserved for 'Trusted' partners only. Or would you extend it to casual play?


  • I think CnC requires a greater amount of trust and that for me means I would elevate it to “Trusted Partner only” status.
  • It was generally the feeling of the room that CnC play was certainly something that occurs between people that have built up a high level of trust.


Of late it seems like R*** Play has been used as a sole description for CnC. Personally, this makes my eyes roll. CnC has a long tradition in M/s relationships as an element of total power control.  What do you all think on this point?


  • For the record, I fully support the right of those with R*** play fantasies to be able to explore them in a safe and trusted way.
  • It was suggested that R*** Play as the more shocking end of CnC made for better headlines and got more attention. In both the off and online media the extremes will always get the attention.


If we want CnC  to stop it should, right?   Is it a complex way to illicit the neuro chemical highs and highlight power dynamics?  While being still totally under control.

Bearing everything we have said in mind, Is the best CnC just an illusion really?


Do you think that CnC play is more of a physical experience or is it a largely psychological experience?


  • There were mixed feelings on this, but the majority seemed to feel that it was a physical experience.
  • Myself and a few others thought that it was mainly psychological.
  • The room carried the day. 

Has anyone experienced kink shaming over CnC either from supporting CnC or being someone who is active in the scene.

  • There was a interesting discussion on the kink shaming angle that was very positive, thanks folks.
  • The point that was well made by several people was that better education on the subject of CnC was needed.
  • The misunderstandings generally were understandable and if people understood the reality of CnC in a trusting relationship their perspective may totally change.
  • If it did not at least it was a fair judgment.


What is it that you like about CnC?

  • The loss of control.
  • The physical demonstration of the power exchange.
  • The intensity
  • The feeling of being desired so much that that person wanted you right then and there.


CnC has no legal defence in the law in the UK and in most countries and American states.


  • Does this mean that Dominants should be more careful to ensure there is some evidence of consent? Even if it does not stand up in a court of law.


  • Submissives, what happens when the CnC play goes beyond what was agreed and negotiated and veers into an actual assault that you feel was totally non-consensual?

Sorry to have missed this, some great points, and a couple id never even thought of. Thanks for taking the time to publish


It is a pleasure Donny, I picked up some new tips and tricks as well 😁 👍


Firstly, Thankyou for raising this topic! I’ve been looking to discuss cnc with someone who’s not in my inbox trying to blag a kidnap 😂😂😂. I probably won’t put all my thoughts in this one message, will probably be more tomorrow as it’s late, I’m tired and I’ll need to re read to remember all the points you asked about, so I apologise in advance for to anyone triggered by notifications.
My second point is I’ve been quite surprised by the lack of knowledge and understanding of CNC on here. It’s the first time I’ve joined a BDSM/Fetish site and I guess I took for granted all kinks were explored in equal measures. The majority of people I’ve spoken to automatically assume it means I have fantasies of being bound & gagged and used as a cum dump… that for me is not what cnc is about AT ALL. My ‘fetish’ for cnc.. and it IS a fetish as I struggle to cum with no element of force, even if it’s just imagined with a vanilla partner.. is born from shame around my sexuality and is a trauma response, which I’ve found quite typical of most of the women who enjoy cnc.. having that control taken away to start with in a real way can leave a lot of victims of /sexual assault extremely ashamed of any future orgasm and people deal with that differently..if mine I’m forced to cum I feel less guilty and more able to fully enjoy the experience. The level of force, the things I’ll allow will vary very much depending on my mood, my partner, the level of trust. The traffic light system with a dead safe word has always worked for me and I do think written agreements would be a good thing. Any dominant involved in cnc, whether male or female, should be fully aware of the ‘victims’ limits and fully respectful of them, for me a breach of limits is crossing a severe line and has become real . That’s never okay.


Thank you so much for your excellently phrased comment Nessus.

I agree there is a disconnect between the reality of CnC in a trusting dynamic, of whatever sort, and its public perception.

I think you put across one of the other main reasons CnC is very popular by using your own experience. Thank you for that. There are numerous reasons that are not to do with being forced and are far more to do with shifting that element of control and responsibility.

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