Is the Vibe Changing? The rise of ghosting, ***-requests, and profile turnover (even for paid accounts)

[Kinkyboy1980]

50 minutes ago, jinxed said:

And that makes two of us!  The wilderness is calling! 

I still believe that it is absolutely possible to meet a brilliant match on here. However, there are so many hurdles that need to be overcome: building basic trust via some messages before you exchange numbers - getting to know the actual other person vs. the idea you've created in your head - finding potential and realistic solutions in case of geographical distance - and then the real big one: consistency in putting in the effort.. I got to stage five just to be utterly disappointed. Even without mean intentions from one person, for me personally these obstacles simply seem unsurmountable.
Being a hetero sub, finding someone in the vanilla world is not a problem, so far I got almost every man I met to change his tune. But I can fully see how difficult the "real" world would be to others on here. Maybe it is a question of looking more locally and trying to meet up asap to weed out the scammers and to get actual 'results'. 
Btw. don't you guys have joyclub? Is that something German? Many kinky people have told me they met their matches on there. 

So very true what you say here.

[Ma****]

11 hours ago, vvhitelie said:

I hear you. I want to know though, how often before you chose to simply not respond, did you say “no thank you” or “I’m not interested” and how was your rejection taken by the other person? In my experience, most times I have told the person I’m not interested (or used the pre-written “no thanks” provided by the app) I am either blocked or get a nasty “f you too then” response. This is an argument I hear often “oh women just don’t reply!” - I think our experiences have conditioned us. “But not all men!” - yes, but enough men. It’s unfortunate…

Sometimes I just don't respond at all and sometimes I say the apps "No thank you" and hide the conversation. I think part of the issue is people just look at the pics and decide to message without actually reading the profile. I certainly do not give the person the option of responding by a negative to me. If they do that, then they are blocked permanently. I haven't really had anyone respond to me in that manner though.

[No****]

I actually agree with a lot of this. Trust, consistency, honesty and getting to know the real person rather than the version we create in our heads are probably the hardest parts of online dating.
I also think communication matters just as much when something goes wrong. People can make mistakes or misunderstand each other without having bad intentions, but if the conversation is ended before both sides can speak, nothing can really be clarified.
That said, I do understand why people become exhausted by the whole thing. Between distance, mixed intentions, scammers and people disappearing, it can start to feel like far more effort than connection.
Maybe the answer is simply to slow everything down, trust gradually, and pay more attention to consistency than words.

[cr****]

12 hours ago, vvhitelie said:

I hear you. I want to know though, how often before you chose to simply not respond, did you say “no thank you” or “I’m not interested” and how was your rejection taken by the other person? In my experience, most times I have told the person I’m not interested (or used the pre-written “no thanks” provided by the app) I am either blocked or get a nasty “f you too then” response. This is an argument I hear often “oh women just don’t reply!” - I think our experiences have conditioned us. “But not all men!” - yes, but enough men. It’s unfortunate…

Hmm... If I am getting a default no thanks, message deleted or hidden then I assume the other side is not interested. I started to block those people. Not because I am ***ed, offended or whatever. No, it cleans up my search results. I don't see a point having a search result where there are people in between which passed on me.

To be fair. I think blocking here is a hard option and should be only being pulled on people where you need to do this. I would much more prefer a soft option of "hide this profile from my search" leaving the option for the other side to maybe change their mind.

But we don't have the option. So if I am doing this than mostly out of respect for the other sides decision.

If I had a conversation with people before and they say "sorry, not a match". I am still doing the same but telling them that I am going to ignore them. Again not because of being offended but to respect that and cleanup the search results for me.

[cr****]

12 minutes ago, NocturnalVisitations said:

I actually agree with a lot of this. Trust, consistency, honesty and getting to know the real person rather than the version we create in our heads are probably the hardest parts of online dating.
I also think communication matters just as much when something goes wrong. People can make mistakes or misunderstand each other without having bad intentions, but if the conversation is ended before both sides can speak, nothing can really be clarified.
That said, I do understand why people become exhausted by the whole thing. Between distance, mixed intentions, scammers and people disappearing, it can start to feel like far more effort than connection.
Maybe the answer is simply to slow everything down, trust gradually, and pay more attention to consistency than words.

But to find that... You need to write to a few people to find the right match. And like you already said. The message system here is not helping at all.

I mean, people being rude they disqualify themself within a few seconds. But if I am constantly being stopped from making a nice first move then the app fails one of their goals... To connect people.

Now talking about the ghosting stuff...
Yes. It becomes super annoying that everyone seems to have the attention span of a goldfish. Please, talk openly if you lose interest. That's making it much more easier. And I also consider fair play than leaving the other side guessing around.
On top of that... People should stop being super selective on how they interpret a message. I have faced many times people dropping out of conversations without trying to understand what I was trying to say. And sometimes just plain text isn't good enough.

For example if I dislike something the other side is saying. I am asking if I understood that correctly to leave the other side room to correct or go into detail what they tried to say.

[vv****]

26 minutes ago, crane_ said:

Hmm... If I am getting a default no thanks, message deleted or hidden then I assume the other side is not interested. I started to block those people. Not because I am ***ed, offended or whatever. No, it cleans up my search results. I don't see a point having a search result where there are people in between which passed on me.

To be fair. I think blocking here is a hard option and should be only being pulled on people where you need to do this. I would much more prefer a soft option of "hide this profile from my search" leaving the option for the other side to maybe change their mind.

But we don't have the option. So if I am doing this than mostly out of respect for the other sides decision.

If I had a conversation with people before and they say "sorry, not a match". I am still doing the same but telling them that I am going to ignore them. Again not because of being offended but to respect that and cleanup the search results for me.

I’m curious if a user is blocked enough times that it impacts their views, or if it results in a ban? That’s the only reason I get annoyed over a block vs a simple “no thanks”. It’s extremely red flaggy anyway for someone not to accept your “no” so it’s kind of a good thing I suppose.

[cr****]

6 minutes ago, vvhitelie said:

I’m curious if a user is blocked enough times that it impacts their views, or if it results in a ban? That’s the only reason I get annoyed over a block vs a simple “no thanks”. It’s extremely red flaggy anyway for someone not to accept your “no” so it’s kind of a good thing I suppose.

I am pretty sure it's not impacting that. No evidence for that but mainly because of how Fet works and it just doesn't feels like this would covered.

But it also would leave room for ***. If I am writing to enough fake profiles and they start just randomly block me and I would get banned from that, that would be a false ban then.

I remember the old days where we had that message quality filter. You could setup a filter based on how good the response rate was for a user after their initial first message. The idea itself? Nice. But... Your stats are ruinied if fake profiles arent answering.

Do you still consider it a red flag after my explanation? Because I don't see a point after I get a no thanks. Is the user changing their mind? Unlikely. So why should I see that profile within my search results? Especially when a profile changes their nick or main picture. Then I am looking at the profile and need to see "oh that profile passed already on me". So for me it is actually some kind of respecting the no without any kind of drama but also removing them from my view.

[ey****]

a general thing on "rude" is it can depend on perception 

to you, you're someone new hoping to make friends and find community.  To them, you're just the latest who has said that.  It does take a lot of time to integrate into community.

Sometimes easier on threads because people often have more to go on and can exchange a lot easier.  

[vv****]

7 hours ago, crane_ said:

I am pretty sure it's not impacting that. No evidence for that but mainly because of how Fet works and it just doesn't feels like this would covered.

But it also would leave room for ***. If I am writing to enough fake profiles and they start just randomly block me and I would get banned from that, that would be a false ban then.

I remember the old days where we had that message quality filter. You could setup a filter based on how good the response rate was for a user after their initial first message. The idea itself? Nice. But... Your stats are ruinied if fake profiles arent answering.

Do you still consider it a red flag after my explanation? Because I don't see a point after I get a no thanks. Is the user changing their mind? Unlikely. So why should I see that profile within my search results? Especially when a profile changes their nick or main picture. Then I am looking at the profile and need to see "oh that profile passed already on me". So for me it is actually some kind of respecting the no without any kind of drama but also removing them from my view.

I should clarify- what I find red flag behavior is when a person is told “no” and their response is abusive language or to ignore the boundary.
Block away babes! But I do wonder if it affects your overall standing on the app…

[cr****]

3 minutes ago, vvhitelie said:

I should clarify- what I find red flag behavior is when a person is told “no” and their response is abusive language or to ignore the boundary.
Block away babes! But I do wonder if it affects your overall standing on the app…

Ahhh! Yes. No disagreeing on that. 😄
Those people shouldn’t be blocked they should be banned…