Things Nobody Told Me Before I Popped My Monogamous Kink Bubble

[ro****]

For most of my adult life, kink has existed within the boundaries of my relationship. My partner and I met when we were young (17 & 19) and sex, pleasure and kink have been something we’ve explored together - thoroughly.

I know her and she knows me. We know each other’s bodies, boundaries, moods, insecurities and tells. Consent isn’t a one off conversation, it’s a level of understanding that’s taken years to build. And because of that understanding, we’re able to play with power dynamics and fantasies, and have the kind of sex and connection (I assume) most people only dream of.

In recent years, we decided to explore ideas that went beyond the realms of our monogamous relationship. We started attending events, meeting people in the community and using fetish apps and if I’m being honest the people have been the biggest turn off

For context I should say a couple of things; one, my partner and I are part of the lost generation who met each other irl, at a house party - classic naughties. This means I’ve never used a dating app before so it was a culture shock to say the least. Secondly, my job revolves around sexual health and relationships education, I made a podcast about it and I’m doing a Masters. Sex is my special subject ok?

Unfortunately, I realised very quickly that many of the assumptions I’d developed in a long-term dynamic, or in a classroom, didn’t translate particularly well into wider kink spaces.

One of my first lessons came at my first event.

I’d already been involved in a spanking scene and my ass was sore. Someone asked if they could slap it. I didn’t really want them to, but he said it was his birthday and I didn’t want to seem rude, awkward or difficult. So I (who preaches enthusiastic consent in classrooms and conferences) rolled my eyes said yes.

A few moments later they did it again without asking.

My partner was in the middle of a scene elsewhere. I remember standing there thinking, “Well that wasn’t okay.” Nothing dramatic happened. Nobody was injured. But it taught me something important.

Consent isn’t just about whether somebody technically says yes.

Sometimes people say yes because they feel awkward and sometimes people say yes because they don’t want to disappoint someone. Sometimes people say yes because they’re new and still figuring out that they are allowed to say no. Sometimes the adrenaline or the people pleaser in you or something takes over and you say yes.

The second lesson came from fetish apps.

I lost count of the number of opening messages that skipped straight past basic human interaction.

No hello, no introduction, no attempt to find out who I am. Just instructions, commands and demands from complete strangers. Statements about what I should do to prove myself as though being submissive means being available on demand to complete strangers. Honestly, my pussy dries up just thinking about it!

One of the biggest misconceptions I’ve encountered is the belief that dominance is something you can simply announce and have instantly recognised by another person.

In reality, authority, trust and power exchange are built, not declared. A stranger messaging me with orders is not demonstrating dominance - they’re demonstrating that they don’t know me or respect me. I’ve got to know, has messaging a stranger asking them to ‘get on their knees and prove what a good sub they are’ ever really worked for anyone?

The third is more of a personal reflection than a lesson learnt.

People often ask me, ‘what are your limits?’ It sounds like a straightforward question but the truth is, I’ve never found it easy to answer at all.

My limits aren’t a static list, they change depending on the situation, how much I trust the person involved, or even where I am in my cycle at that point in the month!

There are things I might happily explore with someone I’ve known and trusted for years that I would not even discuss with somebody I’ve exchanged three messages with online.

That doesn’t make me inconsistent, it makes me human and it isn’t cool to try and call me out on it. The more time I’ve spent in kink spaces, the more I’ve come to believe that compatibility is far more important than labels.

People spend a lot of time asking whether someone is dominant enough, submissive enough, kinky enough or experienced enough. Far fewer people ask whether they feel safe with that person, do they even enjoy talking to them or do their values and expectations align?

I find myself asking, if this is how they’re talking to me now, will they respect boundaries when the answer isn’t the one they wanted in person? For me, those have turned out to be the questions that matter most.

The biggest thing I’ve learned is that moving from a private kink dynamic into the wider community isn’t really a journey of discovering kink. It’s a journey of discovering people. And people are always more complicated than the labels we give ourselves.

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What have been the things that struck you?

[ni****]

Personally I want everyone to feel safe comfortable and beautiful because that makes everything better

[no****]

The amount of messages I’ve opened that’s just a dick pic. What am I supposed to feel from this? Not even hello, just straight to their cock

[ar****]

This is so real and true. Should be required reading!

[ba****]

That was a really good story and lessons well learned

[ba****]

If someone can’t even open a dialogue with hi. How are you? Then I’m not interested in talking to them, let alone interacting with them. And from a male standpoint I don’t understand why people lead with a d**k pic, I mean has that ever worked for anyone? I’d rather chat and get to know someone, through chatting if both sides are honest you will learn a lot about each other and whether or not you are compatible. And people ( men and women) that want to jump right into bed and some scenario are just plain creepy to me. Just my thoughts. This was very well written and probably the way a lot of people feel but never express it.

[S3****]

Thank you, I’m now questioning if I should continue since this is all new(ish) to me and wanted to expand my horizons.

[Ti****]

I’m sorry you’ve had the negative experiences you did. Not everyone in kink is like that. However, in the last 10 years it has gotten very touristy, which brings a whole array of complications. There more substance out there, I hope you find your people. Please don’t give up.

[fa****]

I had really hoped kink was more open and welcoming, but it hasn't been for me. At this point I don't think I was meant for love or happiness. No kindness in this world for me

[lo****]

Connected with spiritualy is the key to me. So it's so difficult to meet someone.

[lo****]

Well said

[wa****]

I totally agree 💯. I'm as new as they come and for the same reasons you've touched on I'm apprehensive to message anything. It would mean a lot to me if you don't mind giving me a few pointers to help me approach an interest without being lame and boring or over the top and crass. I'm separated from a 23year marriage after I was always faithful and she betrayed me blindsided and now living with her affair partner since I discovered the affair after Xmas. She still refuses to say 2 words to me. Sorry off topic I just wanted you to know my base point

[Md****]

Exquisitely well said ! Should be pinned and required ! BRAVO

[To****]

absolutely 💯 My partner and I have been experimenting with fisting and the first time I had tried it with her I felt uncomfortable because my knuckle to pinky knuckle with was too much and I couldn't get it in so I hesitated and then finally stopped. this past weekend we were making out and I proceeded to have the making out with her, went down on her and proceeded to attempt the fisting again but with a lot more lube massaging the walls of the vulva to make sure that the muscles were relaxed and got it in but what I failed to do is pay attention to her breathing and her own reactions to make sure that she was okay and did want to go through with it. prior consent does not equate current consent.

[DC****]

You say so many true and important things in your post. I agree with you on each of your points. Consent, safety, limits. And the thing is, your summation about being human and so things change inside you moment to moment, let alone year to year. Your post though you meant it as something unique to you, has universal applicability. For each of us. 🙏

[Do****]

How to put this on "read and sign to enter the app" ???? A lot of people that dont read profiles, that dont respect plays, limits, safewords, and think that they can obligate someone to bow down!

[Sp****]

wow. beautiful beautiful articulation. i’ve been having these exact thoughts lately. as i reach the end of my 20’s, i’m starting to realize it more and more. this is why my goal has switched from exploring kink to searching for other humans to explore this with safely. i’ve learned it’s about the PEOPLE more than it is about my love of pleasure. being polyamorous is directly parallel to me exploring kink because my sex and my love are both just ways of connecting with people, at its core. the main reason why I can’t tolerate shallow sex.

[Deleted Member]

Sexuality, kinks and human behavior is so flexible as a rubber band. What we call etiquette and ethical correct is for other not the norm , because never learned or never made contact with. In the time before the social media's and apps we met in person. We used to go to a club where the owner sets the limits and other adapter their behavior. Here is no control instance. Bad ,when you read the above, good for the few guys who have really extraordinary fetishes. Also the self-awareness is different. Is a person on the street maybe only a 5 or 6 is he expecting here only 9 or 10 men or women. Example penis size are they not aware there is a gaussian curve and only 7percent and less are gifted with more than average and only 1 percent has the huge size? Most time it is lack of common sense and good manners.

[DarkArts1066]

Like Yourself, I come from an Era where people met, face to face, in pubs, at parties.
We went in ‘cold’, knowing nothing about the person we were attempting to start up a conversation with, and therefore we HAD to make a proper effort.

And I think that is the biggest change -and disappointment for me.
The lack of good grace and manners around ‘first contact’ situations.

I believe, generally, that it is worse for Women than it is Men as a rule… and I believe Transgender people suffer the same, however as Men (and I can only speak for my own sex in all honesty) we also experience that same disrespect also.

For example, my profile clearly states that I am a Dominant Male with an interest in Women, however I do repeatedly receive “Findom” offers from alleged “Dommes”, and approaches from Men.
This demonstrates to me, that these people are either NOT reading my profile, or chancing their arm in the hope that, by casting the net wide, they might pull in some bycatch.

Politeness, good manners, approachability -good grammar, all matter.