"What would you do with me?"

[Britguy_69]

So, I've had a really thought provoking moment with a sub I have been speaking to recently and I wanted to share my thoughts and get your opinions on this too as I'm still relatively new to the scene and I don't want to risk harm to anyone, but also think it might be a good thing to highlight for other people to think about...

*tl:dr at the bottom*

So here goes.

I was asked "If you could only spend a couple of hours with me and I would do anything you want and everything would be consensual, then what would you want to do?"

I find this really difficult to answer because, although we have been talking for a little while, we have not met yet and I don't feel like we know each other nearly well enough for me to answer that. For example, I have no idea what hard/soft limits she has at the moment and it could be very easy to suggest I wanted to do something that is firmly on the "NO" list.

**Anyone hoping I'm going to go into saucy details now about what I would do, will be disappointed. This post is more around the topic of safety**

When you're first with someone, you should never rush into any kind of scene without getting to know the other person. I personally think it's important to meet first in public, scope the other person out and establish (at the very least) a base level of trust and understanding between you.

For example, I'm more than a foot taller than this girl and probably close to double her bodyweight. While I have relatively few concerns for my welfare in an incident between us, it would be easy for her to find herself on the wrong side of someone my size and build who had wrong intentions.

I also cannot stress enough the importance of negotiating any scenes to establish the boundaries and talk through what you're going to do and where you would stop. As well as becoming familiar with your safewords.

So, my answer to her ended up being more of a lecture about trust and understanding between partners in a dynamic, rather than the kinky details she was probably hoping for (besides a few mentions of things she has already expressed an interest in).

Am I the only one who gets uncomfortable hearing and seeing questions like this?

I worry that, there are a lot of submissive minded people (not just girls) who could be almost encouraging abusive types to get carried away in their own minds with questions like this.

What do you think? Am I right to feel uncomfortable about questions like this? Am I uncomfortable for the right reasons, or is there even more to it that I haven't thought about? Let me know your thoughts as I'm always interested to see/hear other perspectives.


tl:dr Open ended questions from subs about "what I would do to them" make me uncomfortable.

[Deleted Member]

How long have you been communicating? Do you feel a connection? Has she asked the right questions ? Dies she feel comfortable?
Maybe signs could give the green light.
I have met many subs and play straight away. Either at their home or in the car !
If you feel uncomfortable then that’s you ! There is no rules or recipes for everyone. Yes safety is paramount but it’s up to the person to follow guts/inside feelings.
Her question was more about her fantasy or testing your mind.

[Deleted Member]

One of my very first questions, after we’ve established a connection, is about limits and fantasies and that’s the same no matter if I am in a sub or Domme role. I also spend time talking about fantasies and boundaries and build up that trust.

For me the messaging/online is where you build the foundations of the partnership.

I’ve asked questions like the above but it’s been more to gauge what the other person is like.

But yes, you are right, there will always be people out there looking to take advantage in these situations x

[SophieSubSlut11]

Agree with everything you said. Can’t stress independent research enough and not handing over submission that early - even theoretically. Very glad she happened upon this question with someone like you. As you said, could have gone a very different way x

[Deleted Member]

I completely agree, I think it’s very easy for any sub, male or female, to end up in very dangerous situations by maybe giving too much too soon..but there is also the fact that maybe she was testing you to a degree. Maybe she felt she’d understand you better if she knew your darkest fantasy with her? I’d definitely want to be talking about what could happen before first meets but I’d probably be careful how much I gave away until there was an established relationship.

[TiberiusSicae]

I always send my sex menu spreadsheet first.

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, TiberiusSicae said:

I always send my sex menu spreadsheet first.

😂😂😂😂 genuinely lol’d at your comment 😂

[TiberiusSicae]

1 minute ago, NessusIssues said:

😂😂😂😂 genuinely lol’d at your comment 😂

It's got 274 rows and two columns for "give" and "receive" which get rated on "Hard limit, soft limit, try it, yes please, need it" and ranges from "cuddling" through a whole load of kinks which are grouped together.  

 

I do however totally agree with the trust aspect and the element of physical danger - on both sides.  These things need to be discovered and grow before anything happens.

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, TiberiusSicae said:

It's got 274 rows and two columns for "give" and "receive" which get rated on "Hard limit, soft limit, try it, yes please, need it" and ranges from "cuddling" through a whole load of kinks which are grouped together.  

 

I do however totally agree with the trust aspect and the element of physical danger - on both sides.  These things need to be discovered and grow before anything happens.

Hahaha I love the organisation!! Haha tbh it’s actually a really good idea as a starting point with a new partner, I can see it working quite well.

[TiberiusSicae]

1 minute ago, NessusIssues said:

Hahaha I love the organisation!! Haha tbh it’s actually a really good idea as a starting point with a new partner, I can see it working quite well.

Surprisingly it's an excellent communication starter as we get to go through each others together.  Breaks the ice well and stops any potential misunderstanding.  The times I've used it have led to brilliant results.  I've even had one person share it with their friends and family - many of which are light kink vanillas.

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, TiberiusSicae said:

Surprisingly it's an excellent communication starter as we get to go through each others together.  Breaks the ice well and stops any potential misunderstanding.  The times I've used it have led to brilliant results.  I've even had one person share it with their friends and family - many of which are light kink vanillas.

Wouldn’t mind a copy of this! Haha. It really does like it could be really effective.

[Wo****]

I see it as a way for her to find out what youd like to do with her...

She did say "and everything is consensual"

Could be a way in to discuss limits.... give her a chance to say how she feels about things?

[ey****]

"If you had me for 2 hours and you could do what you wanted, what would you do?"

"A range of kinks and activities to both of our mutual interests"

I think it can be difficult and frustrating - and - a big problem is a lot of people like to *talk* about fantasies without actually doing them.  So in essence you can write a story based on a hypothetical 2 hour meeting for them to fap to and never meet.

Male subs are terrible for this - but - it's not something exclusive to them.

You could counterbalance by asking her to describe the perfect 2 hour playtime - that you are not going to promise to do any of it - but - if she had all of her own way, how would it go? And part the point of this exercise is that even asking someone to do this is a lot of labour

There is more communication needed for sure.... if I had a sub who basically said "if you could do anything..." then it might be - yeah, you're going to be pissed on, mouth open - you'll be rimming me - worshipping my feet (and giving me yours) - ooh - and we can do some splosh AND you can do the cleaning up.. and then be scared this all puts her off... especially as I have many perfectly fun playtimes with subs where NONE of that has happened.

[ta****]

I have actually sent many subs starting out a playlist that we use. It helps find limits what interests each party. That’s right boys and girls a D can fill it out too. Just because a sub is into
Something doesn’t mean the D will be. So I would start with a chk list find out both your interests and work from that.

[Britguy_69]

3 hours ago, TiberiusSicae said:

Surprisingly it's an excellent communication starter as we get to go through each others together.  Breaks the ice well and stops any potential misunderstanding.  The times I've used it have led to brilliant results.  I've even had one person share it with their friends and family - many of which are light kink vanillas.

Tib is there any way you might be able to share that with me? It sounds like a brilliant tool and I'd be really interested to see it.

[Ae****]

Maybe it was all very deep and intense and worrying - or maybe she was just flirting and looking for a fun, exciting answer to that particular question when she asked it :)

[ne****]

Like others, I agree with your approach to always talk about consent. But, I do think that this querry was really about learning more about you: she wants to know what you are into. Just because someone wants to talk about X, doesn't mean ey want to do X. I have written many stories about things I would like done to me... I started posting it to a blog in 2008, it was initially super-secret... and then it became less so.

[Sassi-3310]

I guess everyone’s experience is different. I met my Dom and we discussed as part of the build up to meeting what we wanted but not in any great depth..I trusted that he would know what to do with me when he met me. as I submitted to him straight away. Our first time together was incredibly intense and there was an instant connection and trust - which we have built on ever since.

[Cu****]

From a submissive point of view who has seen otger submissives behave like this, this kind of statement on her part screams at me.

 

There are many reasons subs say this. Most believe tgey have no right to say no to a dominant and this points to a lack of understanding,  a lack of research,  or incorrect handling by a previous D type that may not have accepted no. (Borderline abusive).

 

Some, like myself, may come from domestic *** background and are afraid to say no or impose limits because with the wrong partner because that can lead to mind games. In my own dv relationship,  my ex husband used affection withdrawal and controlled physical aspects. So one of my big needs is touch. If my Sir withdrew that im not sure how i would cope.

 

Thirdly, the submissive may not value themselves.  To me this shows a lack of understanding of a healthy dynamic. In a healthy dynamic,  D types build up a s types as this positive rein***ment of the bonds leads to a stronger deeper submission.  

 

I would be asking your s type what leads her to be no limits, and encouraging her to set some. Even setting a coupke starts to show her that she can value herself and allows both you and her to explore where and if the misconceptions about her role lies.

I do commend you. Even though you say you recently started this journey, you sound like you got your head screwed on.

[Firefox_]

I think the question is more of a fantasy wondering, gives a good insight into how you prefer to play and if it's good for the sub too. I'd ask it in curiosity just so I can get my head into that space to see if it's something I'd be willing. But I wouldn't go meet someone and go straight into it. You still need to know and trust the person first. X

[Britguy_69]

4 hours ago, Curvygirl1 said:

From a submissive point of view who has seen otger submissives behave like this, this kind of statement on her part screams at me.

 

There are many reasons subs say this. Most believe tgey have no right to say no to a dominant and this points to a lack of understanding,  a lack of research,  or incorrect handling by a previous D type that may not have accepted no. (Borderline abusive).

 

Some, like myself, may come from domestic *** background and are afraid to say no or impose limits because with the wrong partner because that can lead to mind games. In my own dv relationship,  my ex husband used affection withdrawal and controlled physical aspects. So one of my big needs is touch. If my Sir withdrew that im not sure how i would cope.

 

Thirdly, the submissive may not value themselves.  To me this shows a lack of understanding of a healthy dynamic. In a healthy dynamic,  D types build up a s types as this positive rein***ment of the bonds leads to a stronger deeper submission.  

 

I would be asking your s type what leads her to be no limits, and encouraging her to set some. Even setting a coupke starts to show her that she can value herself and allows both you and her to explore where and if the misconceptions about her role lies.

I do commend you. Even though you say you recently started this journey, you sound like you got your head screwed on.

Thanks Curvy. For me, it doesn't matter what the reward might be... safety has to come first otherwise you won't ever get it again... I'd rather get 85% of my ideal repeatedly, than 100% once and then jail (or death)...

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, Velvet_Ice said:

I think the question is more of a fantasy wondering, gives a good insight into how you prefer to play and if it's good for the sub too. I'd ask it in curiosity just so I can get my head into that space to see if it's something I'd be willing. But I wouldn't go meet someone and go straight into it. You still need to know and trust the person first. X

⬆️⬆️ This. She just asked a question.

[ol****]

21 hours ago, Velvet_Ice said:

I think the question is more of a fantasy wondering, gives a good insight into how you prefer to play and if it's good for the sub too. I'd ask it in curiosity just so I can get my head into that space to see if it's something I'd be willing. But I wouldn't go meet someone and go straight into it. You still need to know and trust the person first. X

You hit the nail on the head here.

[Th****]

I have to say that my answer would be tediously boring. I instantly thought go for a coffee and and have an in depth conversation about needs, wants, and to see if wee have any chemistry in reality what so ever.

I have no interest in playing with someone in any form for two hours without knowing anything about them in detail. 

That being said that is just me, and I respect wholly anyone whose opinion differs.

[ol****]

On 8/22/2021 at 9:46 AM, Thebian said:

I have to say that my answer would be tediously boring. I instantly thought go for a coffee and and have an in depth conversation about needs, wants, and to see if wee have any chemistry in reality what so ever.

I have no interest in playing with someone in any form for two hours without knowing anything about them in detail. 

That being said that is just me, and I respect wholly anyone whose opinion differs.

I'd double or triple like this if I could. A perfect answer.