ey**** Posted August 29, 2021 A bit of a spin off from another thread as it was suggested this could be a topic of it's own. But. (Firstly, apologies for the heteronormative nature of this post) I've seen from time to time claims that women have it 'easier' than men on kink and dating websites. The general claim is it's easier as they will have more 'likes' on photos or posts, receive more comments, receive more compliments, more offers, more matches, so on and so forth. Now. A younger version of myself might have agreed. And, also, as someone who has had esteem issues in the past - know it can be disheartening to post up a picture of yourself and think "yeah, I feel good in this" and sit and watch the tumbleweed roll by (some of my Fetlife 'selfies' are on literally a couple of loves - while some photos of me on there have wracked up quite a few, they're usually filming stills that are not about me) and this really kills a mood (but then there's a lesson in here about posting photos because you'd like to and not in the hope of internet validation) Though now. Here are some thoughts and I'm open to yours. Firstly. Yes women are far more likely to get all of the above then men. But that doesn't mean it's 'good quality' by any measurable. If we look at likes/comments/'compliments' In principle there is no reason for men not to do this towards other men. But we tend not to do this. This could be a little that we find pictures of the sex we are attracted to a little more appealing, or also a little bit between being hoped to be noticed, or so on. But some of these reasons might also be reasons why women are also off-put from liking/commenting/complimenting on men they don't know. Because I think many women have had some point liked of commented to then get an immediate ping in the inbox as the guy has translated "she liked my pic" into some former of deeper interest, or their own potential opportunity. And that liking a post shouldn't then become labour being coerced to talk to someone especially if it turns inappropriate quickly. I also feel that while 'more matches' might seem good. Men are far more likely to swipe to match without giving much of read of a profile. That then if the woman does see someone she wants to match with - that - her profile hasn't been read meaning there may be compatibility issues - and of course she may be genuinely interested only for it to turn into a "wanna fuck" or other inappropriate comment waaaaay too quickly But in terms of 'offers' - this doesn't mean any of them are of value. I think there is then the assumption, of course, that women have "the pick of the bunch" - but I feel this is only really true if she is willing to lower her standards - and - while she *might* have a free pick, would this not also play into men's lack of standards? I mean... are we saying that, given the opportunity, men would take up offers automatically if they got them? Even if it was with someone wildly incompatible? No wonder so many get scammed. Ha. Me - I don't think any sex or gender has it 'easier' I think there's assorted swings and round abouts. I think sometimes folk do things which make it more difficult for themselves - but that is something men are often somewhat more guilty of than women (perhaps another post and another story) I'm open to thoughts.
Mz**** Posted August 29, 2021 I think there's a bit of a "the grass is always greener" myth around gender, and the associated rates of opportunity or success, I wonder how the gender fluid people see it, they are perhaps best placed to comment, or maybe there's another whole set of issues. I do know anecdotes are always skewed, statistics vaguely referenced in some far, far away kind of way..they'd heard this, or seem to remember seeing that, doesn't make my personal experiences any easier, but it may make it a little harder than it needs to be to from time to time. I find it difficult to believe the majority of men would just take on anyone who offered, but I can't speak to the truth of that really, it's just my feeling.
ey**** Posted August 29, 2021 Author 5 minutes ago, MzJax said: I find it difficult to believe the majority of men would just take on anyone who offered, but I can't speak to the truth of that really, it's just my feeling. I think in a cold reality the answer is they wouldn't. I do think there are too many that might, however. I guess this comes into anecdote's being skewed.
Mz**** Posted August 29, 2021 23 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said: I think in a cold reality the answer is they wouldn't. I do think there are too many that might, however. I guess this comes into anecdote's being skewed. I hope I haven't offended you with that, I specifically meant statistical anecdotes, I know I'm not the only one who enjoys, or benefits from your examples.
ey**** Posted August 29, 2021 Author 4 minutes ago, MzJax said: I hope I haven't offended you with that, I specifically meant statistical anecdotes, I know I'm not the only one who enjoys, or benefits from your examples. No. Not at all. Sorry, no tone on the web; I realise that came off badly. I actually don't have, nor have looked for, any statistics here (and there's reasons why some aren't always trustworthy) but merely from folks stories and comments.
SexxyMoeFoe Posted August 30, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said: But some of these reasons might also be reasons why women are also off-put from liking/commenting/complimenting on men they don't know. Because I think many women have had some point liked of commented to then get an immediate ping in the inbox as the guy has translated "she liked my pic" into some former of deeper interest, or their own potential opportunity. And that liking a post shouldn't then become labour being coerced to talk to someone especially if it turns inappropriate quickly. This is something I don't think many guys fully appreciate. If I like a pic, or a status, or reply to a comment in the wild, then suddenly the person posting thinks I am interested. I don't assume everyone who likes a pic or comment of mine is necessarily interested in me. I posted a pic on another site and someone commented about cumming on my tits or face or something. I replied kind of like "this is creepy, not interested in anything sexual with strangers". He immediately DMs my trying to chat me up. I was confused and asked he DMed me when I basically shut him down in the comment. His rationale - "Well I noticed you don't reply to comments on your pics but you replied to mine, so I thought I would shoot my shot. Are. You. Kidding. Me. (Generalizing here) Part of the problem was mentioned - most guys aren't reading the profiles of the ladies they message. They usually see a pic or 2 and react from that. Or maybe they see a role and - like domme looking for sub, and they don't bother to actually see what kind of domme it is and what kind of sub they are looking for. I think also there is a lot of "punching above your weight class" and the whole "I know she is not right/too young/too old/too good looking/ for me but this is the internet so what do I have to lose" mentality. The thing is... "what do I have to lose" hurts everyone. Women get tired of the meaningless messages, genuine interest gets lost in the shuffle, and the guys doing it gets upset that they've send hundreds of message with very few replies. Lose-lose. Edited August 30, 2021 by SexxyMoeFoe
BigPolly Posted August 30, 2021 I’m not sure if ‘easier’ is the right word but I do think there’s still that old fashioned mentality that women (not just cis women) are on display for men to look at. I’m not saying that IS the case but I believe there is definitely that element there. The trouble with that is you then get, as @sexxyMoeFoe has said, people not reading profiles. They develop their own fantasy of what someones role within fet really is rather than looking into it. And as she said, to ‘like’ a picture is like treading a eggshells. Someone is either going to be flattered or they’ll take it as a come on & I find men are more likely to read into a ‘like’ far differently than women are. For me a ‘like’ is just a massive compliment. I’ve lost count the amount of times I have ‘liked’ someone or something on here but had to follow it up with a message justifying why I’ve like it & it’s not a come-on. I am upfront so I will say if I find something beautiful or if someone triggers something positive in my mind (like I did with you & the trainers) & the fet world needs to be open for it to work comfortably so it’s kind of upsetting when someone takes that as an easy opening for their own wankbank but it happens & it’s human nature fir many. Also my brain doesn’t really recognise when someone is coming onto me so 9 times out of 10 DMs are normally followed by a sarcastic reply or they’ve found a new best friend whether they like it or not 😂 So I’m not sure if I’d use the word ‘easier’’, if anything I think it’s harder for women as we have more obstacles to navigate but I certainly think as a whole we get more vocal unwanted attention than men.
TheBookCollector Posted August 30, 2021 Simply put, No women dont have it easier,.they may get more messages,.but as has been noted above the quality of the majority of those messages are poor, being one liners, objectifying, crude, lacking substance etc. Theres a group on fetlife called Return to Sender that show some of these messages and interactions. Most are from entitled horny net guys looking for easy sex, and another notch on the bedpost, and believe s-types are easy lays. You also have to consider that there are more men on this site than women, so women have a lot of choice.
leighbratscamper Posted August 30, 2021 @eyemblacksheepthis is an interesting piece and I agree I don't think either sex has it easier. I think Statistics show that there is more males than females in Bdsm and this can appear that woman have it easier. However as yourself have alluded to it doesn't mean that this is a great thing. Thank you for an interesting post.
Deleted Member Posted August 30, 2021 Whilst I have frequently posted about the nasty and abusive messages I receive on sites, it doesn't mean that I lack empathy for men's frustrations. It can be tough on both sides - receiving unwanted attention, even *** or receiving little response and being demonised because of others' behaviour.
Mz**** Posted August 30, 2021 11 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said: No. Not at all. Sorry, no tone on the web; I realise that came off badly. I actually don't have, nor have looked for, any statistics here (and there's reasons why some aren't always trustworthy) but merely from folks stories and comments. I'm glad, also been a victim of that missing tone. 🙂 Statistics are like bikinis, what they reveal can be interesting, but its what they hide that counts.
Ae**** Posted August 30, 2021 Tldr - men and women both good, different but both good, AND both bad, no blame necessary on either side though, ever - it's a very complex dynamic that exists, have/develop understanding. Long post, I know 😅 From my angle - women have it different to men, as opposed to easier. Easier in some ways, some huge ways and harder in others - e.g., generally, a woman can be scared if alone with a man who she doesn't trust. Huge scary physical disadvantage, from like age 10 onwards . But she can generally quite easily, compared to most men, meet a guy and have fun if she wants to. Huge psychological-wellbeing advantage with regards to feeling confident, attractive. Men are not stone, they are also human and the desire to feel attractive in the same way matters to them. I disagree that men do anything to make their own lives difficult, for the same reason that I'd say women do not do things that make their lives difficult. There are indeed things that a person can point to as examples of ways women work against themselves. But for both sides, the reason they end up doing these things to themselves is that they are born into a system that requires great skill to master, to not be a victim of. The system set up is: between the sexes we have bological differences that evolved over time in response to the environment so humans could be a successful species. And then that human hardware/software, which we still run on today, 100,000 yrs old, created societies and cultures which reflected, exaggerated and produced complex dynamics all based off of the original, simpler, dynamics. That complex culture, the one we have today - it's complex! 😭😅 So things can look a certain way, but once understood, we might see reasons for why its like that. Then we have understanding and stop blaming. So yay! women AND fucking yay! men. And sympathy for women's struggles AND men's - they are different struggles but if you look into it properly, you will get why things are the way they are. It can indeed be argued that the things men deal with are worse in modern developed societies/cultures/countries, but that, I think, would not go over well here as it's not a competition - but sadly that is exactly the way I think it is often characterised by people in such discussions. Who is at fault instead of how can we make it better for them 😕
so**** Posted August 30, 2021 In terms of online dating apps, of course women have it better. You can't intelligently argue otherwise. They have a vast selection of men to choose from, many of which will be happy to talk to them. Whereas it's a numbers game with us. Most men are lucky to get even 1 out of 20 women to even respond, let alone have a conversation. & The experiments that okqupid, POF & tinder did a few years ago prove how picky women usually are. Because they can be. & How shallow many of them are as well. In one experiment they used male supermodel pics in the profile & said stuff like "I must inform everyone that I'm a registered sex offender & a convicted " and women STILL messaged the hell out of them lol I recommend people view those experiments . They're very eye opening. One word sums all this up: Hypergamy. Don't know what that it? Look it up. Its very enlightening to say the least lol
Deleted Member Posted August 30, 2021 Women would have it easier if they wanted the same thing most men on dating apps do which is lots of casual sex. Often they don’t, so from their perspective they have it no easier than men. Men looking for casual sex however think “wow I could get so much sex if I was a woman, I’d have my pick of 20 people whenever I wanted” and thus conclude that women have it easier. If looking for something deeper/a relationship/friendship, I think we have it as hard as each other. Women have to wade through the shit and find a decent guy, men have to message 20 woman to get one who responds, only to find out you’re not at all compatible hahaha. Life is hard.
ey**** Posted August 30, 2021 Author 3 hours ago, Woodfella said: If looking for something deeper/a relationship/friendship, I think we have it as hard as each other. Women have to wade through the shit and find a decent guy, men have to message 20 woman to get one who responds, only to find out you’re not at all compatible hahaha. Life is hard. I think... yeah - it's swings and roundabouts - and that's it ultimately. Finding the right connections is hard. And it's hard for everyone - any sex, any gender, any dynamic. I feel there's things that can boost chances but there really is no magic formula. I've seen more women, here and there who have been seeking partners and are actively frustrated because every problem a lot of men have they also have from being ghosted to - meeting someone promising and then the guy realising his life isn't going to be something out of Preaching to the Perverted and yeah, I think it is difficult for everyone
ey**** Posted August 30, 2021 Author I guess an exception where it is a little easier is arguably on sites like Fab, depending what folk are looking for. I reckon if a woman posted looking for casual sex - she could probably pick the person she felt most attracted to or who had the best feedback. Mind, usually when someone is looking for group sex or gangbangs it does favour the guys a little more because it becomes just a numbers game But while it's been a long time since I last went to a gangbang - all thirty guys who applied were accepted, knowing there'd be some drop outs. Three turned up. Which hey, meant we got more time
ge**** Posted September 5, 2021 Coming to this late and haven't read all replies so apologies if I'm repeating anything that has been said already but no I don't think women have it "easier" than men, just "different" - I've been a user of a well known UK swingers site for years where men outnumber women by around 10 to 1, and it's a regular complaint from men there that women have it "easier" because they have their pick of the crop - and much is made of the number imbalance. Truth of the matter is however that if you take away all the men that just don't "get" how it works and expect to get meets just for signing up to the site - then the balance is fairly even. There are plenty of guys there that understand the site and accept they'll get knock backs etc and have a great time. So basically it comes down to women may have the choice of hundreds but actually only find interest in 4 or 5, whereas men may *show* interest in hundreds but only get interest from 4 or 5 - so net result is the same is just arrived at different ways.
Deleted Member Posted September 6, 2021 12 hours ago, gemini_man said: Coming to this late and haven't read all replies so apologies if I'm repeating anything that has been said already but no I don't think women have it "easier" than men, just "different" - I've been a user of a well known UK swingers site for years where men outnumber women by around 10 to 1, and it's a regular complaint from men there that women have it "easier" because they have their pick of the crop - and much is made of the number imbalance. Truth of the matter is however that if you take away all the men that just don't "get" how it works and expect to get meets just for signing up to the site - then the balance is fairly even. There are plenty of guys there that understand the site and accept they'll get knock backs etc and have a great time. So basically it comes down to women may have the choice of hundreds but actually only find interest in 4 or 5, whereas men may *show* interest in hundreds but only get interest from 4 or 5 - so net result is the same is just arrived at different ways. I like this take. I know the site you mean and it's just the same!
ey**** Posted September 6, 2021 Author to a degree I think when it comes to swinging - or, specifically, casual sex - this is one area where women *arguably* have it a little easier depending on their objective. It would depend for example if they wanted a regular, reliable, fuck buddy - whether they wanted interests where they could meet and it not just be sex or - whether - literally, any cock will do. But, with a little projection - I think if any cock genuinely will do and there are a choice of, say, five - she might start to look at those that she finds most attractive or based on general feedback and ratings. -- But at the same time, if she has a choice of 5 cocks and wants a gangbang - you're in
Deleted Member Posted September 6, 2021 43 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said: to a degree I think when it comes to swinging - or, specifically, casual sex - this is one area where women *arguably* have it a little easier depending on their objective. It would depend for example if they wanted a regular, reliable, fuck buddy - whether they wanted interests where they could meet and it not just be sex or - whether - literally, any cock will do. But, with a little projection - I think if any cock genuinely will do and there are a choice of, say, five - she might start to look at those that she finds most attractive or based on general feedback and ratings. -- But at the same time, if she has a choice of 5 cocks and wants a gangbang - you're in And there's the reason that men outnumber women by a huge amount on that site! They hope that women will just want to give them a bj in the van between 3-4 every Tuesday. Most women want a little bit more....
ey**** Posted September 6, 2021 Author 4 minutes ago, Dragonflylover said: And there's the reason that men outnumber women by a huge amount on that site! They hope that women will just want to give them a bj in the van between 3-4 every Tuesday. Most women want a little bit more.... and then ironically, the women who are a little happier to just do a quickie then never-see-you-again end up with clingy guys. Ha. But still I've done gang bangs, not via that site - and - I'd probably do one again but there's reasons why it's been 5 years - and that is it really does becomes a little bit 'any cock will do' largely because of how unreliable men become - like they apply for a GB secretly hoping for one-on-one time and it doesn't work like that. I dunno, I kinda want to feel like someone has at least done a basic vet on me.
ge**** Posted September 6, 2021 8 minutes ago, Dragonflylover said: And there's the reason that men outnumber women by a huge amount on that site! They hope that women will just want to give them a bj in the van between 3-4 every Tuesday. Most women want a little bit more.... Nail on the head right there!! Whilst undeniably there are *some* women for whom any cock will do - the overwhelming majority are more interested in the person the cock is attached to and that's the point a lot of men miss, not only on that site. So ultimately whether you're speaking swinging, casual sex, or kink it comes back to my point that women don't have it "easier" just "different"
Deleted Member Posted September 6, 2021 42 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said: and then ironically, the women who are a little happier to just do a quickie then never-see-you-again end up with clingy guys. Ha. But still I've done gang bangs, not via that site - and - I'd probably do one again but there's reasons why it's been 5 years - and that is it really does becomes a little bit 'any cock will do' largely because of how unreliable men become - like they apply for a GB secretly hoping for one-on-one time and it doesn't work like that. I dunno, I kinda want to feel like someone has at least done a basic vet on me. Do they really apply for a GB hoping for more? I didn't know that. I *** I am still naive at the grand old age of
Deleted Member Posted September 6, 2021 43 minutes ago, gemini_man said: Nail on the head right there!! Whilst undeniably there are *some* women for whom any cock will do - the overwhelming majority are more interested in the person the cock is attached to and that's the point a lot of men miss, not only on that site. So ultimately whether you're speaking swinging, casual sex, or kink it comes back to my point that women don't have it "easier" just "different" It is so much worse on that site that any other I've been on. Seemingly wanting to feel comfortable enough with someone and have a conversation is too much to ask. And I do actually feel for men on there who aren't cockwombles. The smart ones (as here) realise that talking on the forums is the secret. 😁
ge**** Posted September 6, 2021 26 minutes ago, Dragonflylover said: It is so much worse on that site that any other I've been on. Seemingly wanting to feel comfortable enough with someone and have a conversation is too much to ask. And I do actually feel for men on there who aren't cockwombles. The smart ones (as here) realise that talking on the forums is the secret. 😁 I've not been on that many others to compare but it's certainly an eye opener as to how far in the dark ages *some* people still are!! As for feeling sorry for those that aren't cockwombles, I wouldn't feel too sorry for them - they're the ones that get it (in more ways than one 😉) You're spot on about the forums though - too many think it's all about sending blind messages to random people and hoping for a reply, when actually if you show on the forums that you're a decent sort that is all it takes. In my five years or so there I sent "blind" messages less than six times, and yet met many wonderful people....go figure 😊
Recommended Posts