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Self-reflecting masochist after play sessions

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Being woken early in the morning from very strange dreams; this is not the first time after a play session; is it the excitement of what I had endured; is it the stingy yet lush feeling as I move around in bed that wakes me through the night reminding me or endorphins that still circulate my body?

You see, 7 weeks or so within finding this path and ensuring such pleasure, massage, *** or whatever my mind or body feels; I have found each play (3 sessions) is different giving me new emotions and feelings each time.

First session; the feeling at that time as I eagerly watched, anticipating my very thoughts of ‘what the heck am I doing’. To standing in front of my friend; hot sweaty hands and trembling legs I wait for the first strike. With each leather straps touching my skin thinking ‘is that it?’ I felt strange as was expecting something; in fact I grew bored until the sting hit me; the whips and other tools (I am still not familiar with their names) thrashed against my body. Being pushed to a limit I have no words for. I felt I was going to pass out ‘is that’s sub space - who knows’. Session finished we go to the pub and dance. So excited and wanting to show off my glorious marks, yet I can’t. As I get home I cannot sleep: super high, super excited and on the second night I feel sexually driven and play with myself with intense orgasmic sensations (wow where did they come from) and finally on the third night I was able to sleep.

Second play; at a party with people I know; recognise or do not know but all under the same house. As I absorb the conversations with such incredible people, a *** hit me ‘shit I got to get naked in front of strangers!’
Watching people play, the beauty of communication without words and hearing the cracks and slaps through the air - so divine.
Watching fire play between two couples their communication, I am bright eyed and so wanted to try, as I was offered to play - I wanted to decline as I would have to get totally naked (one half of me screaming yes do it, another half of me screaming insecurities - don’t do it); funny looking back at this I held myself back for many years and missed out on a lot of other things due to this; I pushed my boundaries and stripped off, ran and jumped on the bed awaiting for the session to begin. The fire was like the warmest massage of the breath inhalation you get with you get into a hot bath, I could have ever imagined - hell it was erotic feeling these sensations.

My turn to have my release now on the cross; it feels intense this time; I didn’t feel bored, I felt the instant thrashings (maybe the fire play made me sensitive? Nope my sadist knew where to start with me) with each thrashing that grew stronger this strange feeling kept creeping in; it hurts today, it’s more intense (each limit I’m feeling and I’m pushing through) then ‘oh my god, why do I feel like I’m going to cum’

Later on with groups of friends we spoke about knife play. This was a curiosity but not something I wanted to experience. That all changed watching two friends perform only what I call an art form. Watching the communication, bond and connection - no words can ever describe such beauty.
I’m now curious, excited and of course I had to have a go.
Had a little warm up session, then the candle wax (another new favourite), and the knife then scratching my skin, the feeling of intense sexual desires and each blade slide across my skin - these emotions grew and feelings of ‘is this sub space’; whichever it was, it’s glorious. I go home the next day and cum harder than I have ever - maybe that’s the endorphins that create this feeling; either way, I still have no words for this.

Third session; warm up, then the whips and canes begin. I find myself dancing to the rhythm of the music; to the strikes and now the *** as I want more and need it shaken off so I can get more.

As I reflect before each session I find myself with the same anxious feeling of ‘it’s going to hurt and why the hell am I doing this’ to then feeling, I am so glad I got to play and release’.

As I was standing on the cross legs and hands shaking; I feel I need to stop and as I do (knowing the strikes are harder this time) this urgent sensation and little voice in my head saying ‘is that it’ I give the look to my sadist who asks me, are you sure?
I look inside my emotions and feelings; back to him and say ‘nope, again’ bother smiling as we know I am far from done.

Trust is so paramount within anything and most of all this scene. Now I understand the words of not only trust but a true dynamic in any form (I choose not to use labels) where the connection between two is and has to be there - I now understand this on another deeper level; more than ever before.

The Saw comes out, I got anxious and a little ***ful, my mind rationalising and as I am put into position, I say ‘I trust you’ this sets my mind at ease and reduces the *** but still anxious. Slap - it hits me, Sharp edges and the slap of the saw - Oohh I like and then the strong feeling of sexual desires come flooding back within. This only intensifies as he switches to knife play and *** lust.

The session finishes and I gleefully smile and hug and just ever so released. We sit down and talk. Words I keep hearing I’m a pure masochist. Yet what I endured, I still don’t know what that means. I still have no understanding but all I know is I felt released from the stresses and strains of everyday life I had felt up to that point had gone.

As we continue in conversations, I sit there feeling like I’m still not done. I don’t have the feeling of the rush or ‘sub space (whatever that is); I start to feel like I need more because what I felt previously afterwards isn’t there. Maybe I am meant to feel empty, maybe I am meant to feel and king for more - even sitting here now feeling stingy and sore (glorious reminders) I wish I knew my boundaries of what that feels like after. During each session I feel a limit and urge to stop and when I do, I urge for more (how does one process this).

Again trust is the biggest thing. My sadist, my friend, just knows. So I am now chained to a chair. I feel a little sharp something and my left great experiences it’s first needle play. Then my nipples - there’s that stingy ***. It’s a sweet sensation and also relaxing. Due to having no sexual sensations with my nipples; that give me desires but those needles is the form to me of foreplay.
Then we move to my face - I am now anxious and feeling these especially around my eyebrows. I do what I always do; feel what my body feels, how does that make me feel - strangely odd (yet to find out more as I play next time). Yet the feeling of those needles coming out - sore and stingy, the feeling as they *** drops down on my body, ‘there it is’ I am releasing more of the tensions and that’s my moment of euphoria and looking at my sadist and thanking him for knowing what I needed as until then I didn’t know I needed that.

This is a journey for myself and shared by friends as they lead me down the rabbit hole. Seeing the enjoyment I have and the connection that’s built and building further - I am glad I have made such amazing friends who for the first time in my life are allowing me to express myself more than I ever had in my life.
I never knew how to express myself effectively and now I can.

I think that your last line is the most evocative part of what you've written; "I never knew how to express myself effectively and now I can". That is a wonderful thing to read, and must be even more wonderful to experience. Thank you for sharing.

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