Help! I Don't Know What My Kink Role Is...

[CopperKnob]

But everyone keeps asking me!

If I could redo my beginnings in the world of kink, I would spend less time trying to keep everyone, primarily Doms, happy and more of it getting to know myself. Having discovered my subly self I initially embraced only one directive: to please. Sometimes I did it for selfish reasons, but mostly, I was scared that the true me was not deferent enough to please the most vocal Dominants in this community. I'd 'found' my kink role and I was going to be submissive dammit!

But had I?

Dom's question all the time, "how submissive are you?" Or "what type of submissive are you?" I don't think that there's an absolute, black and white answer to be had for either question. I'd say sorry but truthfully, I don't really give a 🦆.

Over the last year, I’ve spent a great deal of time trying to figure out which kink role to apply to myself. I’ve come to the following conclusion: If you’re the type of Dominant who inspires my submission, then just as if you're my fairy godmother, I’ll magically transform into a sub, pumpkin carriage, glass slippers, and all. If however, you’re the type who doesn’t feel his dominance profoundly, our dynamic might be more hedonistic than power-related and, if you’re an abusive asshole, I guess my own domly nature will show itself just as I tell you you've got 5 seconds to leave, AKA Audrey

I can summarise my kink role into a sentence that’s almost short enough to qualify as a label:

I don’t give a🦆

I don’t have to know what type of s-type I am before I meet my next D-type. I will joyfully continue to explore my kinks without boundaries or restrictions. Will some Doms pass me by because I might not be 'compatible' and it makes me too 'high maintenance'? Definitely, and yet I still don’t give a 🦆

Labels have some utilitarianism, of course, but all I have to make my dating life clearer is that I’m a submissivish brattyish middleish bunnyish type with distinct dominant tendencies in work life. Now that's a lot of nouns and adjectives...

… I still don’t give a🦆

If you want to try dating me, I’m afraid you’re going to have to do it for all the same reasons you would in the vanilla world: attraction, connection and aligned core values. It doesn't really matter that I can't provide, in minute detail, how my kinks will play out and you shouldn’t give a 🦆 about labels either because we'll all be slightly different in different dynamics. But, somewhere in this mire of 🦆's not given, we will all discover where we meet our partner/s. That place will be our own unique brand of D/s, bespoke and gorgeously rare.

As Mark Manson says, “If we could only give a few less fucks, or a few more consciously-directed fucks, then life would feel pretty fucking easy.”

If you're dead set on your 'role' great. If it matters to you, it matters. But if not, please, help yourself to one of these 🦆's. I have a 🦆 ton of them to give away.

[Deleted Member]

~smiles~ Bravo xx

[Deleted Member]

Fabulous, funny writing, as always, CopperKnob. 
 

I’m at the pleasing-him-regardless-of-dominance-received phase and it’s starting to get a bit thin, if I’m honest. I’m trying to negotiate for a more dominant Dom, but he doesn’t like me questioning his methods and digs his heels in if I suggest improvements because he feels I am taking control. 

He is a lovely human being and I love him to pieces and it is hard. 

[CopperKnob]

19 minutes ago, Lockfairy said:

Fabulous, funny writing, as always, CopperKnob. 
 

I’m at the pleasing-him-regardless-of-dominance-received phase and it’s starting to get a bit thin, if I’m honest. I’m trying to negotiate for a more dominant Dom, but he doesn’t like me questioning his methods and digs his heels in if I suggest improvements because he feels I am taking control. 

He is a lovely human being and I love him to pieces and it is hard. 

I guess that a question would be, at least for me, is he digging his heels in because he's really rigid in his thinking/incapable of considering an alternative way, or is there method in his madness, taking things slow, a considered approach?
I know that if a Dom was telling me know or to wait for more that, in the moment i'd be frustrated, feel rejected but in hindsight, its what i needed the most when experiencing sub frenzy.
Not sure if i got the wrong end of the stick though

[Deleted Member]

6 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I guess that a question would be, at least for me, is he digging his heels in because he's really rigid in his thinking/incapable of considering an alternative way, or is there method in his madness, taking things slow, a considered approach?
I know that if a Dom was telling me know or to wait for more that, in the moment i'd be frustrated, feel rejected but in hindsight, its what i needed the most when experiencing sub frenzy.
Not sure if i got the wrong end of the stick though

The sub frenzy is long gone. He is very cautious and for that I’m grateful, but I’ve been telling him he can be more dominant for months and nothing has really changed. It all feels quite vanilla much of the time. 

[Matttster]

Amen CopperKnob!! It feels like so many people get so caught up in all the definitions, but also there are so many variations to most definitions. For a while I just labeled myself as a Top and if someone wants to know “what kind” I am open to talk about it.

But as you said, although I have tendencies in certain aspects, the type of Top I would be for one person would likely be different than for another.

Instead of thinking of definitions it seems more logical to think of it as any relationship and the dynamic should come out naturally instead of trying to act within some definition.

[we****]

Fabulously said. If I wanted to be put in a hole, I’d dress like a pigeon. As it is I’m definitely in the don’t give a 🦆 club 😂

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Lockfairy said:

Fabulous, funny writing, as always, CopperKnob. 
 

I’m at the pleasing-him-regardless-of-dominance-received phase and it’s starting to get a bit thin, if I’m honest. I’m trying to negotiate for a more dominant Dom, but he doesn’t like me questioning his methods and digs his heels in if I suggest improvements because he feels I am taking control. 

He is a lovely human being and I love him to pieces and it is hard. 

Doms can often have a limit of how dominant, controlling or powerful they are and it can trouble them if their sub asks for more from them, to take things a bit further, it can be outside of their desire, ability or comfort zone & some can have difficulty with that, it can feel like your being challenged beyond what you can give & that can feel like being a failure, a failure in the relationship & to the subs desires & needs. Often people deflect in situations when they are challenged like this, dig there heels in, as you say & possibly shift the focus on the sub as trying to be dominant & dictate  what the dom should do & that's not how it works, they are in control. 

 

You need to sit down or maybe kneel, to place him in his elevated position of power over you so to speak & say your not trying to take control, you've just developed to a level where you are will to give more of yourself, to give him more dominance & control over you, that you are surrendering more of yourself & not telling him to give you more, that you are not demanding more but desiring more, that you wish for him to take more of you. 

 

Word it more that you want him to take more of you rather than you want to improve your dom sub relationship, appeal to the masculine ego so he doesn't feel possibly that, by being so direct in saying be more dominant, he isn't masculine enough. 

[Dancingbear225]

Everyone is different, and no one is just a particular part. As a Dom I'm looking to play a lot of roles depending on my mood, the sub's mood, and just what sounds fun at the moment. I enjoy rigging, hunting, daddy Dom, master, general role playing, and vanilla. And any number of things that I haven't mentioned, and probably some I've never heard of.

 

[EmpressKK]

Very well said. 👏🏾 👏🏾 👏🏾 👏🏾 👏🏾

[Deleted Member]

20 hours ago, BDSMkinkydom said:

Doms can often have a limit of how dominant, controlling or powerful they are and it can trouble them if their sub asks for more from them, to take things a bit further, it can be outside of their desire, ability or comfort zone & some can have difficulty with that, it can feel like your being challenged beyond what you can give & that can feel like being a failure, a failure in the relationship & to the subs desires & needs. Often people deflect in situations when they are challenged like this, dig there heels in, as you say & possibly shift the focus on the sub as trying to be dominant & dictate  what the dom should do & that's not how it works, they are in control. 

 

You need to sit down or maybe kneel, to place him in his elevated position of power over you so to speak & say your not trying to take control, you've just developed to a level where you are will to give more of yourself, to give him more dominance & control over you, that you are surrendering more of yourself & not telling him to give you more, that you are not demanding more but desiring more, that you wish for him to take more of you. 

 

Word it more that you want him to take more of you rather than you want to improve your dom sub relationship, appeal to the masculine ego so he doesn't feel possibly that, by being so direct in saying be more dominant, he isn't masculine enough. 

Thanks for this advice. I think you’re right about my needing to change how I approach my Dom. I’m new to this and I am quite feisty and very impulsive (quite severe ADHD) and I quite often think, after another strained conversation, I wonder how differently that would’ve played out if I’d knelt first? 
 

I wish I knew how other subs deal with some of the situations I’m finding myself in for the first time. I don’t know how to ask on here without potentially upsetting my Dom. I guess the first thing to do is try to talk to him from a position of submission using your suggestions and see how that plays out. 
 

Thanks again. 

[Deleted Member]

19 minutes ago, Lockfairy said:

Thanks for this advice. I think you’re right about my needing to change how I approach my Dom. I’m new to this and I am quite feisty and very impulsive (quite severe ADHD) and I quite often think, after another strained conversation, I wonder how differently that would’ve played out if I’d knelt first? 
 

I wish I knew how other subs deal with some of the situations I’m finding myself in for the first time. I don’t know how to ask on here without potentially upsetting my Dom. I guess the first thing to do is try to talk to him from a position of submission using your suggestions and see how that plays out. 
 

Thanks again. 

You're welcome, if you want any more help or advice feel free to message

[Deleted Member]

Let's discuss your kink role during a dinner in, for example, Rome, Paris or Barcelona ?

[Cu****]

17 hours ago, Lockfairy said:

Thanks for this advice. I think you’re right about my needing to change how I approach my Dom. I’m new to this and I am quite feisty and very impulsive (quite severe ADHD) and I quite often think, after another strained conversation, I wonder how differently that would’ve played out if I’d knelt first? 
 

I wish I knew how other subs deal with some of the situations I’m finding myself in for the first time. I don’t know how to ask on here without potentially upsetting my Dom. I guess the first thing to do is try to talk to him from a position of submission using your suggestions and see how that plays out. 
 

Thanks again. 

I’m new here too but I think if you risk upsetting your dom then he doesn’t seem like a very good one, and talking to him on an equal basis rather than a point of submission to discuss your needs before you submit, but agin I am very new here but have been given some great advice from some great doms x

[Cu****]

I love this I feel quiet the same way x

[lesdevon]

Well said bravo  to you   

[FugginWitch]

I relate to this so hard 😅

[MissTakenDeep]

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[Sp****]

I just want to say that this is just so absolutely wonderfully rich with truths and imo insightful ah 💯. I absolutely love this and it should be required reading at any place offering to instruct or train subs but imo vastly more vitally needed for Doms!!! I believe it is tragic that so many through some new experience or introduced stimuli activate one of the many true sexual nature's tendencies turn ons or desires that exists within them but lied dormant their entire life only to gain the courage and longing for it enough to venture out and explore and understand it only to be met as *** prey to hordes of immoral predatory individuals posing seemingly as Doms and the only source for the answers new subs seek. However tragically they are not Doms at all but very much the opposite and lacking in character and the true genuine nature required that can be so very easily mimicked to fool anyone newly entering the LS. These fake imposters are clueless of the true beauty and bliss and most powerful height of pleasure and erotic sensation possible when a true pure natural Dom and a true pure natural sub come together embracing being joined and locked in a symbiotic entanglement that NATURALLY ORGANICALLY engages these deep hidden hungers and passionate needs that can only truly be met by the genuine article counterparts that fits into that locking embrace as two pieces of a puzzle torn in two halves but now made whole together. Upon tasting the glorious wonders of being joined with a TRUE PURE REAL compatible mate of their own very rare breed and kind they both gain a deep appreciation for and highly value their partner as the rare and truly priceless and needed source and supplier capable to have true intuitive understanding of them and their insanely high primal sexual needs that far transcends the merely physical but rather mostly in the mental emotional and highly intellectual psychological resesses of their mind. For if he possess the true wisdom and understanding of the complex dynamics needing to first become aware of then purposed to gain true intimate actionable understanding of them in all of these areas touched on here and many more he will be equipped to lead anyone under his care/control to understanding. One who truly is insatiablely inherently driven and obsessively compulsively naturally disposed from birth to incessantly study people needing to understand and rightly discern and comprehend human nature and the vast many predictive behavioral and thought processes are those that are best suited and intuitive enough to help guide another through exploring and learning these intricate complex and often unknown parts of ourselves that often lie dormant for vast spans of time within us and will never surface until activated by the necessary stimuli. Through my own incessant need from birth to study people so deeply I've personally experienced actual life changing events unfold and happen before my very eyes created through my actions with my partner. Having as any real true Dom can possess the insights and understanding intuitively of not only their obvious activated current kinks and visceral turn ons but those that are buried deep within them not yet even known to the precious treasure of a sensual beast in our care. That's why one needs a true genuine article of a Dom to not just sense those things hidden but the ability to lovingly and thoughtfully with purposeful generous intent activate arouse and stretch them. None of this is possible without deep understanding and comprehension of a vast array of the intracasies of human nature and the many things that bind us and hinder us in ***s and shackles of timidity insecurities and taboos and culturally established judgement of what is acceptable ethical and "normal". As well as effects of traumas and all manner of issues scars repulsions triggers ***s bad experiences and betrayals that cause untold amounts of damage and all these things avd more compound accumulatively to decimate and consume the all important necessary TRUST needed to be had in the Dom in order to truly be able to free them from the shackles and chain's of *** and shame and all the other hindering restraints that enslave them to lives of mediocrity and unfulfillment incapable of exploration and enjoyment of their true nature. These things are so deeply rooted and intertwined only a true pure nature Dom armed with knowledge and empathy is capable of breaking each Chain healing each trauma and truly help them be FREE. Free to embrace their true nature and acceptance of themselves for the unique exquisite and rare delicacy and treasure they are. Sorry this is so long!! Ooof I got lost. There's much more but my hope is that these words may in some way small or great be of help to you on your journey. BE YOU! BE TRUE! ❤️💯.

[Lo****]

On 12/18/2021 at 3:57 PM, CopperKnob said:

I guess that a question would be, at least for me, is he digging his heels in because he's really rigid in his thinking/incapable of considering an alternative way, or is there method in his madness, taking things slow, a considered approach?
I know that if a Dom was telling me know or to wait for more that, in the moment i'd be frustrated, feel rejected but in hindsight, its what i needed the most when experiencing sub frenzy.
Not sure if i got the wrong end of the stick though

I’m glad this post came up on my radar again because I now have an answer to the question you posed:

 

I’m glad this post came up on my radar again because I now have an answer to the question you posed:

He was a rigid because he was a narcissist and I was spoiling his fantasy. A year wasted on a lie. 

[CopperKnob]

1 hour ago, Lockfairy said:

I’m glad this post came up on my radar again because I now have an answer to the question you posed:

 

I’m glad this post came up on my radar again because I now have an answer to the question you posed:

He was a rigid because he was a narcissist and I was spoiling his fantasy. A year wasted on a lie. 

I'm sorry, i think that there are a lot of them about. Im glad though that you're back and hope you've come out the other side stronger

[CamiBami]

So I’m new here…. Do people not label themselves as a switch? Are people usually rigid in the label, so much so that they need to be either a dom or sub? I honestly kinda assume and accept I’m going to probably only have vanilla relationships or sacrifice quite a bit…. And just hide my kink side Lol

[CopperKnob]

Thursday at 03:56 AM, CamiBami said:

So I’m new here…. Do people not label themselves as a switch? Are people usually rigid in the label, so much so that they need to be either a dom or sub? I honestly kinda assume and accept I’m going to probably only have vanilla relationships or sacrifice quite a bit…. And just hide my kink side Lol

People label themselves as anything that fits them at the time. There are those identifying as switches here