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Is It Just Me?


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I don’t know if it’s a self esteem issue or not, but I don’t really feel qualified to take part in the forum or join in on conversations and I wanted to see if anyone else felt the same. 

I’m single, it’s been years since I enjoyed anything kinky and while I’d love to meet a guy I’m not really in a place where I imagine that’ll happen.

I would love to join in or have something to say but I don’t feel right chiming in when I’m so far out of the picture. 

Am I the only person who lurks but doesn’t feel like they can, or should, take part in discussions?

You are not only one, most of the women I meet and chat on here are either to far away or an escort/cam girls. It's frustrating and kills the self esteem.
You should definitely get Involved take the opportunity to ask about things that you are unsure of
Most of us are genuinely nice people and look to help and share views and opinions and exchange ideas

If anyone try’s to knock you for it they’re an imbecile lol
Yes i feel that way sometimes.. But i tell myself even a genius asks questions... Its always good to sit and observe sometimes too...

absolutely i feel this way all the time, especially as opinions can be criticised very quickly and there are so many experts on everything ready to judge. But you have just as much right as anyone else to voice how you feel, what you want  or to ask questions.  Genuine people will encourage you anyone else is of no importance. 

I always take the view that the forums are an open and welcoming space for all to use - and everyone is entitled to comment.

They're a great way to get to know and interact with people or even just to read and increase your knowledge.

Dive in and post I say, get involved - ultimately it's just words on a screen and you're as entitled to express an opinion or thought as the next person.

As for being out of the picture - that doesn't even come into it.
I have felt very similar in the past and still do sometimes. I also think that the male voice is very prominent in this forum, and that and I can that quite intimidating because of the cultural norm I grew up in. A lovely lady messaged with me privately and supported and encouraged me to take part more actively. I’d be happy to pay this forward if you feel it would help. You started a thread, you are already doing it! 🥰xx
I don't really join in with the forums either, it's best to use this site,how you feel comfortable using it.
Your thoughts and opinions are as valid as anyones
It can seem a little cliquey at times but that's not really the case......there are just those who know each other a little so discussions between then really are a natural thing. However most of these folk got to know each other from taking a leap of faith and getting stuck in as it were. On a personal level I've in the past said a few things I'm not that proud of......looked a bit of a dick......but is that not a way to help us learn? I've learned so much from the forums so you have something to say go for it......your opinion is no less or more valid than anyone elses......yeah sure there are those who may know more......may have more experience.....but how do you think they gained some of that 😊😊
There's also the Lobby where you can drop in and lurk or join in the chat. It can be fast if it's busy, but there's also less pressure on comments because they're said and then they vanish up the screen. In the forum, it stays for all to see (which drives me crazy if I've typoed and can't find it on the phone lol)

Interesting to see the comment that it's more male dominated in the forums. I've never noticed that, but I have an opinion about everything and am not afraid to voice it (🤣🤣🤣) so it wouldn't put me off anyway.
I have never taken part in the forum with this site, but have in other chat rooms. Perhaps it can be intimidating, but perhaps keeping in mind that this is online will help. You are not in person, there are monitors and lots of space between you and everyone else.

As someone else eluded to, kink is a little different for everyone, so there are not definitive “right answers”. Your opinion or thoughts are as valid as anyone else’s, regardless of how loud they type.

Additionally, you say you have been single for a while and would love to meet a guy. If you don’t put yourself out there, how are you going to meet anyone? Talk to people, join conversations, ask questions, voice opinions. Let people get yo know you and get to know others. There is no guarantee you will meet someone, but you are much more likely to do do than by lurking. And even if you do not meet a guy, you can make friends and learn from others and let others learn from you.

Believe in yourself!
Actually one thought has occurred to me on this may help reduce the sense of "intimidation" around knowledge levels about the subject matter, would be if there were a more general forum that wasn't BDSM/Kink/Fetish related - more of a "Social/Lounge" type thing where things like music/TV/films and other "fun" stuff could be topics would help people feel more inclined to post without the pressure (perceived or otherwise) of feeling you have to have knowledge or insight into specific topics?
Have been on other sites with similar and it's worked quite well and allows for more interaction beyond the intended purpose of the site.

Okay so I've multiple ways of looking at this. 


Firstly I'm sorry you feel the need to be quiet and low self esteem. I think we have all been there.


The forums I agree the discussion can stay and people can chime in as and when they wish.. because the topic is staying and nothing else bleeding inyo it. It is more relaxed and you can take your time on it. Informative and productive I find the forums are. 

As for chat well... it's not been great lately. The drama.. arguments and tension have been there.. what do you expect though with a large group in real time. 

At times chat is centred around one person and if you're not one of them you're essentially ignored. 

If it's not that its role play which again happens between a group of close individuals and is very offputting and excluding of new people and anyone ultimately not in that clique.

The mods have been doing a great job of hammering down on this thankfully. 

And as a result (plus I spat my dummy out) topics, debates and discussions are coming to light again.


Now this.... this is where chat gets interesting. The topics are much like in the forum but again in real time. It can spark responses we didnt know we had until someone else has their opinion. It can be explosive and on the nose... but it's also  beautiful and educational. People learn, chat and bond. Share experiences and gain insight they wouldn't have been able to in forums. 


Now that being said...the lobby does infact move very fast. Whether its general chat.. role play, flirting, thirst or the occasional scammer... it can be overwhelming. It is also infuriating at times of a great discussion happens and a troll or scammer or someone seeking attention comes in... because the topic can slip off the page so fast with those comments and ultimately it's forgot about. This isn't the case with the forums. It stays and has more time to be monitored and filtered for content. 


Regardless... 90% of the people from forums and chat are real. 30% or so from the chat actually want to learn and educate... where I also find that's flipped for forums... 70% want to learn and educate here. 

But what I will say is... if you want to learn or teach or share or just chat then by all means you should. Who knows where it may lead you. What you can learn and who you could meet. 

If you have topics or questions ask the chat.. god knows it needs more bdsm and kink being fed into it. But you'll be welcomed and guided. Any one who's an arse to you.. simply block or ignore. You don't need that. 

Maybe start with forums and grow confidence speaking in topics and debates and gently drip into the lobby rooms and see how you feel. I'm sure you'd be welcomed and we all love some fresh meat 😋😋


Sorry if this is slightly off topic but I hope it can give a different insight and you know that you're not alone in how you may see things. Even regulars in there feel this way now and then.

Hopefully we can see you in and Il look out for any discussion on here you may ever bring. Good luck 😙😙😙


I totally understand were your coming from. What I found easiest was to lurk in the lobby what the chat see how it's going. Generally the people in the lobby love questions being asked. So maybe write a few down. Introduce yourself in the lobby and ask if it's OK to ask a question about this or that. I'm sure the response will be welcoming.

3 hours ago, YesMaster said:

Yes i feel that way sometimes.. But i tell myself even a genius asks questions... Its always good to sit and observe sometimes too...

There's a phrase, "the only stupid question is the one you don't ask"! 

Please post in the forums! It doesn't matter what you post/ask/say. No one here is better/more knowledgeable than anyone else and we're all just humans on the otherside of the phone.
Forums have been really quiet recently
Chat rooms move far too quick for me, im too easily distracted and I can't keep up but please do participate. Like you im not in a dynamic, im also still pretty new and not really that confident in real life but I enjoy the forums and it doesn't stop me posting

When I very first joined a fetish site, it was about 3 months before I really posted anything.

I didn't feel I could contribute to some threads.  I didn't actually know what to write if I was to start one of my own.

Then, one day, you find you can contribute.  Someone asks a question you know the answer to, or there's something you can put some insight to.   One day you think of something you want to ask and you start a thread.

Until that one day, don't feel pressured.  You're still learning.

We all bring different energy to things, you have lived life, had experiences and an obvious interest , that makes you qualified.

Thank you everyone, I feel much ‘braver’ about joining in on here now and I really appreciate all the messages and suggestions. 

I’m just sorry you feel the way you do. The best way to get out of lurk mode is to just jump in with both feet. No one is going to judge you for your thoughts and insights and if they do 99% of the time the Mods will shut it down since judgment is against the rules. Just take the plunge. It gets easier over time and before you know it your voice will become heard.

Semi related.  But something that worked for me in 'confronting' anxieties....    was being able to remind myself /just let myself know that it is OK to feel how I felt...  So maybe I might have felt a bit awkward , which might have inhibited me in my actions...     for whatever the reason is, when I got to the point that I could recognise this and then be able to tell myslef it was perfectly OK to feel that way....  it kinda helped.


Then there is also the fact that you are absolutely welcome to join in ;)  (as and when you like)

  • 3 weeks later...
Judgement is not-against the rules,i dont know how to talk here i went against the rules just being me,and it was judged against standards here best just to keep my mouth shut.
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