Messaging People

[No****]

Great advice and perspective.

[No****]

I mainly was responding in reference to someone asking if they should be honest about this lack of interest or simply ghost, and my mindset is that I would much rather someone give me the constructive critique needed in order to motivate me to continually improve (whether that be my behavior, perspective, decorum, etc)

[ey****]

17 minutes ago, NotWhyButWhyNot said:

I mainly was responding in reference to someone asking if they should be honest about this lack of interest or simply ghost, and my mindset is that I would much rather someone give me the constructive critique needed in order to motivate me to continually improve (whether that be my behavior, perspective, decorum, etc)

the kinda problem then is it still does put a requirement of labour onto the other person.  That they can't even end a conversation they no longer wish to partake in without giving an explanation as of why not.

the other thing with ghosting

For example

I had been messaging a friend a few weeks ago and she stopped.  She then messaged me the other day to ask for advice and apologised as she thought she had replied to my previous message - she had meant to, but hadn't.  When I looked at the unresponded message, there was actually nothing in there that required a response.  Some guys might call this ghosting.    In that case, I could have, at any time, prodded her if I felt there was requirement for a response but there wasn't to the extent I'd even forgot about that conversation until she came back to ask for advice.

And this happens a lot

People read messages and they're about to go to work, or they're drunk, or they're tired and think "I'll reply later" and then don't.  Obviously there is more incentive if it is a conversation they are enthusiastic about, but some of the "always available" kinda mantra leaves a lot of people exhausted 

You can, at any time, revisit a conversation where you feel you were ghosted - was your last message conversational?  Is it worth it here trying to spark up conversation?  ("Hey, how you been?" is rarely conversation, mind - but "Just checking in as we haven't spoken for a while, I hope things are good with you...." can be a good opening)  But also a good time to ask yourself if you are really interested

[Du****]

43 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

the kinda problem then is it still does put a requirement of labour onto the other person.  That they can't even end a conversation they no longer wish to partake in without giving an explanation as of why not.

the other thing with ghosting

For example

I had been messaging a friend a few weeks ago and she stopped.  She then messaged me the other day to ask for advice and apologised as she thought she had replied to my previous message - she had meant to, but hadn't.  When I looked at the unresponded message, there was actually nothing in there that required a response.  Some guys might call this ghosting.    In that case, I could have, at any time, prodded her if I felt there was requirement for a response but there wasn't to the extent I'd even forgot about that conversation until she came back to ask for advice.

And this happens a lot

People read messages and they're about to go to work, or they're drunk, or they're tired and think "I'll reply later" and then don't.  Obviously there is more incentive if it is a conversation they are enthusiastic about, but some of the "always available" kinda mantra leaves a lot of people exhausted 

You can, at any time, revisit a conversation where you feel you were ghosted - was your last message conversational?  Is it worth it here trying to spark up conversation?  ("Hey, how you been?" is rarely conversation, mind - but "Just checking in as we haven't spoken for a while, I hope things are good with you...." can be a good opening)  But also a good time to ask yourself if you are really interested

I sat down to reply to three people the other day: two had deleted their accounts, one with a rather pointed goodbye; the last sent a snarky message even as I was typing, to complain about my lack of response hitherto. After that it was red flag upon red flag, and a definite “No Thanks” from me.

Agreed, there may be a thousand reasons why a reply isn’t convenient, and a ‘just checking in’ might rekindle the conversation. Sarcasm, whining, passive aggression, will kill it stone dead. And let’s be honest, they’ll just make you look like a twat.

[ey****]

yep - I've honestly opened messages and found someone has sent 3 or 4 and by the last it's got rather passive despite the fact I'd not (for whatever reason) even read the first few (granted I could see enough from the preview pane to know it wasn't urgent) 

and it's like even if a 'no' now might not have been a 'no' in the future - it now totally is 

[ge****]

11 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

the kinda problem then is it still does put a requirement of labour onto the other person.  That they can't even end a conversation they no longer wish to partake in without giving an explanation as of why not.

the other thing with ghosting

For example

I had been messaging a friend a few weeks ago and she stopped.  She then messaged me the other day to ask for advice and apologised as she thought she had replied to my previous message - she had meant to, but hadn't.  When I looked at the unresponded message, there was actually nothing in there that required a response.  Some guys might call this ghosting.    In that case, I could have, at any time, prodded her if I felt there was requirement for a response but there wasn't to the extent I'd even forgot about that conversation until she came back to ask for advice.

And this happens a lot

People read messages and they're about to go to work, or they're drunk, or they're tired and think "I'll reply later" and then don't.  Obviously there is more incentive if it is a conversation they are enthusiastic about, but some of the "always available" kinda mantra leaves a lot of people exhausted 

You can, at any time, revisit a conversation where you feel you were ghosted - was your last message conversational?  Is it worth it here trying to spark up conversation?  ("Hey, how you been?" is rarely conversation, mind - but "Just checking in as we haven't spoken for a while, I hope things are good with you...." can be a good opening)  But also a good time to ask yourself if you are really interested

And part of the problem is people see conversations as "different" somehow on here from those we have in the real world - you know where conversations ebb and flow naturally, and may come to an end (for any number of reasons) and then pick up again at a later date.
.
If I said to some of my real world friends that I was not contacting them because it was "their turn" to reply, or hadn't replied to my last comment they'd laugh me out of court.
.
It's no different here - there are some people I talk to daily, others I might go weeks or months without talking to, but either way we pick up when we have something to say to each other, not because we feel obliged to maintain a dialogue.

[ey****]

15 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

And part of the problem is people see conversations as "different" somehow on here from those we have in the real world - you know where conversations ebb and flow naturally, and may come to an end (for any number of reasons) and then pick up again at a later date.
.
If I said to some of my real world friends that I was not contacting them because it was "their turn" to reply, or hadn't replied to my last comment they'd laugh me out of court.

There's a meme sometimes goes around which has a point but I kinda dislike - it's basically "don't feel bad for not reaching out to people; they're not reaching out to you either" and - this is true, it totally is - but it could almost expand to say - so if you message them, they won't be pissed at you for not being in contact or anything.  

[Ar****]

48 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

There's a meme sometimes goes around which has a point but I kinda dislike - it's basically "don't feel bad for not reaching out to people; they're not reaching out to you either" and - this is true, it totally is - but it could almost expand to say - so if you message them, they won't be pissed at you for not being in contact or anything.  

I know the one, it really gets my back up. And yes I agree with you about the point it's trying to make, it's so wrapped up in it's own conceit and assumptions about people's friendships though. Who is to say that the people who arent reaching out, aren't doing so because they're seriously ill or in a bad way some other way (and being blunt, who among is has had a brilliant past few years?)?

There isn't much that pushes my buttons but seeing my friends share that meme is one thing that does upset me at times; I'm chronically ill with parenting and household responsibilities, and stretch myself thinly enough as it is trying to be there for as many people as I want to be, sometimes even ones I might barely know. Just because I haven't spoken directly to friend X, Y or Z in months or potentially years and might only have passing social media interactions it doesn't mean the way I think of or feel about them has changed, or that I wouldn't be there for them in a heartbeat if they needed me. I'd always assumed that - unless there was an indication otherwise - this feeling was mutual, but I'm also learning that whilst it is true for many it was naïve of me to expect everybody thought like that.