First steps when messaging a Dom

[Deleted Member]

I have been on this site for 3 days now and feel already like I have gone through the wars. My profile is very blank a) because I am absolutely new to all of this and simply don't know what I will enjoy and b) because I wanted to simply have a look around. All it says it's that I'm a complete beginner. Perhaps the first mistake? Now I've had lots of messages but only engaged in two of them properly. In the first case it turned out very quickly that we simply had different expectations which was met with me being told that I will do the wrong thing by not going for him. Punch in the stomach no. 1. The second Dom however really made me think twice. I read his profile and was truly scared of all the things he listed there, but the more we messaged the more liked him and I even started to trust him a little bit. He seemed like a good guy. And then it got very intense very quickly. The questions he asked, the things he made me confess, it was like a vortex I was being sucked into. I enjoyed it, yes but at the same time I told him about fantasies I had never admitted to anyone and every big one was accompanied by me feeling absolutely ashamed of myself. I told him this and not once did he stop or console me, just kept going. And I kept going too. Mistake no. 2? 

I could not get enough from him, I thought about him all day and night long. So we talked about meeting up. At first he said it was just to get to know each other with no other plans for the night and that was what I needed. A very slow approach. Some hours later he suddenly said that his condition for the meeting was that we kept the chance open for something minorish to happen. Well see, this is the level of my beginnerism, I can't even say the word blowjob. Anyway. This shook me. It might seem like a small thing to you guys, but the main issue was that he went against what he had said before. So if he might not stick to what he says, how can I trust him? After a lot of debating with myself I agreed. Mistake no. 3? 

And then came the night after. I woke up in the middle of the night with this thought: why did he ask me about my favourite drink? So he can order it and put something in it? 

I had spoken to my best friend about it all and she had told me to not go further as I don't know him, so I'm sure this had to do with this, but more importantly, I obviously don't trust him. 

So this morning I told him all this and in a very unhelpful way told him that I can't go any further with him. Now I know this is a very stupid to go about it, but what I needed to hear from him was that I was right and that we should just keep it to getting to know each other first with absolutely no further obligations. What I needed was reassurance and a hug. What I got was the second punch in my stomach. He told me he wasn't buying it and that I was a waste of time and attention. I am still reeling from this. He actually hurt me. And yet I cannot help but think that I made this happen. That I didn't communicate correctly with him or mislead him. I really tried to make him understand how overwhelming all of this was for me and yet I went along with most of his impulses. 

So as you can imagine I'm pretty close to giving up. I'm not here to play with other people's minds or time and I don't seem to be what is expected here. But I needed to get this off my chest just to make sense of it all and if nothing else you now have the little tale of a complete beginner subs experiences with communicating here. Slightly long post, apologies, but grateful for any comment on what the heck that was! 

[EMandM]

From what I can tell at no point have you done anything wrong. The Dom should be ashamed of himself really. Just because we like to Dom doesn't mean we get to treat someone like shit, unless they want us to, of course :). Seriously though, I don't think you should feel bad or anything about it. Some Doms prey on new subs, think they can just get what they want and throw them away, or brainwash them to become a slave rather than a sub. You have to want to be a slave to become one, not let someone bully or pressure you into anything. 

 

Don't give up on the scene and always trust your gut, if it starts to feel wrong take a step back. If the Dom doesn't like it, they are the wrong Dom. 

 

Stay safe and I'm sure you'll meet the right one(s) who can help you discover a whole new and liberating side of yourself. 

[se****]

Hello there... Wow you have been put through the ringer 😔 i wont pleat on cos I'm a beginner myself and there are more experienced guys n gals here to say where you may or may not have gone wrong, but I'm sorry that you went through that... But do trust your instincts and believe in yourself to know yourself if you need or want to talk or have reassuring then that is what you need if the other person can't see that then don't waste your time on them...

Hope you get more advice and learn from this unfortunate episode x

[Deleted Member]

Firstly, you were right to do everything in your own way, and I feel you had a lucky escape. The pull of this life can be very strong for a newcomer, and an experienced Dom can, if they are so inclined, prey on that to get into your head. I can see it has concerned you, and quite rightly, so hopefully you will take something from the lesson. Slow down, be patient, talk as you would to a friend at home, don't make promises before any face-to-face meet, keep it non-committal, and above all else read and take in guidance from other girls in here. The Subbie ***hood is strong in here, they will give unbiased advice to help keep you safe. Don't be shy in approaching someone experienced, they won't bite, and will make sure you know what you are doing. It can be a real jungle in here for the uninitiated, but with patience, more knowledge and confidence you really can find what you need. I wish you all the luck in the world x

[qu****]

You've done nothing wrong, a true Dom will understand you're new to this and will behave accordingly, as for a sparse profile don't worry it's understandable if you're unsure, and again a true Dom will be respectful and helpful, so hang on in there, make use of the forums and chatrooms, the majority here don't judge and are kind, helpful and respectful

[ge****]

Agree with EMandM sounds like you've been preyed on and taken advantage of by someone out to exploit your being new to all of this. You are most definitely *not* a timewaster or a fake or any other thing he has suggested - it is your absolute right to back away at *any* point if you're not comfortable, even when naked on your knees in front of him.

What you have possibly been is a little naive and easily taken in, but to a degree even that is not your fault - unfortunately it's not uncommon for *some* Doms to make you feel that their way is the "only" way and that you should blindly do their bidding without question.

It's also not uncommon for *some* men to lash out and throw words like fake (and far worse) around when they don't get their own way.

My advice to you would be not to give up, but learn from the experience, maybe take a small step back to evaluate what you *do* want and expect, but continue to use the site to talk to others and learn from it, but at the same time make it very clear you're not ready to dive into anything until *you* are ready to and are comfortable to do so.

Seek out reading material about the lifestyle (Screw The Roses and SM101 are both very good) and educate yourself as much as you can.

Remember though that as a submissive, you have a mind of your own, and are free to express it regardless of what anyone might tell you - anyone that suggests otherwise without your *full* consent is someone to back away from.

[NY****]

You and your friend are RIGht in your feelings!!!!! I’m married so my dynamic is a tad easier in that regards but if I was in your shoes you NEED to take it slow and basically establish friendships and connections right now! You are learning and growing leaps and bounds by showing up and finding out what you like and don’t like is a huge part of the process and any good Dom will know this and honestly respect it. If you are submissive then you are submissive to a special soul who fosters your submission TO him or her not expecting it. Does that make sense??? I would think a respectful Dom would not want that kind of interaction first meet!!!! In fact I would not think that to be normal ever. Unless perhaps you have a long history of conversation and relationship online first but it still should be with regards that it is not expected…. Ever! Consenting is the key word and that is on both ends……

[Deleted Member]

So, you’ve been on the site for 3 days and a ‘Dom’ has already managed to almost get you to agree to a potential play. Unfortunately that’s so easy to happen online. Texting and confining in people your deepest, darkest and unspoken to anyone before secrets is much easier online than in person. Somehow it feels safe, anonymous and very exciting . I think you already know what you did wrong. Going against your wishes and instincts is never a good idea. Trust takes time to establish and the right Dom will never pressure you into meeting so soon, let alone playing on first meet. Please be careful on here. I was completely new like you when I first joined this site and learned my lessons the hard way. Even after speaking to someone for a year, you don’t really know them. So take your time, get to really know someone, research, read old forum topics and try to establish a network of friends on here, who can act as a sounding board for you. This is still a small community and chances are, the Dom you have written about is already known for his antics. Don’t feel bad and blame yourself but put this down as learning experience . You may not have communicated well your reservations, which as a newbie it’s excusable and to be expected. What is inexcusable is the pressure he put on you after only 3 days of talking and his reaction , when you told him your concerns. So many red flags in his behaviour- in time, you will learn to recognise them sooner and protect yourself. X

[Luna_princess]

Hi, I'm a newbie as well, I'm sorry about your experience.
I can't advise you other than be cautious, I did have a few messages about being a slave and asking what I was looking for.
At the moment I'm chatting to a really nice dom, we are getting to know each other without bringing in kink. I feel I need to know someone first before jumping into something that could be wrong.
If you want to chat send me a message x

[Charlies37]

I don't want to parrot what's been said before as there no need. What I would add is you basically "said your safe word" and it was not received well by this "Dom". Better you found that out now then during play, especially if some of his kinks worried you. That guy sounds like a dick who doesn't know the first rule of this: the sub is ultimately in charge and can put a Holt to things whenever. You have done nothing wrong. Hang in there, don't rush and trust your gut. It served you well this time :)

[EMandM]

Very true, at the end of the day (I hate that saying!) the sub has real control. I've heard of "Doms" who will say they don't use safe words, it's not their style. That's not Domming, that's being an a-hole. The Dom is there to give the sub what they crave as much as the sub is there to please the Dom. 

[Deleted Member]

It's interesting reading your experience because I was exactly the same at the beginning. I was talking to a chap and he got mad I wouldn't masturbate with him and send him pictures/ videos. He told me I was spoilt and selfish and wouldn't meet anyone if I didn't put out, he got blocked. I now have an absolutely amazing Dom who took things at my pace and I have never felt uncomfortable or pressured into anything. We chatted for a month before meeting face to face.

My advice, it's easy to get swept up in the excitement, the idea of being able to do things you have been thinking about for ages. You just need to do what you did and trust your gut. If something doesn't feel right, walk away. There are a lot of people that will prey on naivety and inexperience. If you don't want to do something, don't. You are absolutely under no obligation to give someone a blowjob the first time you meet them. You are not a "bad sub" of you say no. Most meets should happen in a public place, get a coffee, see if you click and to make sure there are no red flags in person. You did nothing wrong from what I can see.

Feel free to send me a message if you want to chat. I was you a year ago. If not as I say just trust your gut.

[UK****]

3 minutes ago, Sazzie0188 said:

it's easy to get swept up in the excitement, the idea of being able to do things you have been thinking about for ages. You just need to do what you did and trust your gut. If something doesn't feel right, walk away. There are a lot of people that will prey on naivety and inexperience. If you don't want to do something, don't. 

100%. The excitement of finally getting to try what you've probably thought about for years often results in people rushing into bad decisions.

This is compounded by a number of 'doms' who prey on that excitement and naivety. 

If you are new, you really do need to take tiny steps and that's after plenty of discussion.

[Charlies37]

11 minutes ago, UK_Knight said:

100%. The excitement of finally getting to try what you've probably thought about for years often results in people rushing into bad decisions.

This is compounded by a number of 'doms' who prey on that excitement and naivety. 

If you are new, you really do need to take tiny steps and that's after plenty of discussion.

Don't shop when your hungry

[allshookup]

God how i love this site. This community has so many caring people. So much great advice. I've through the years have signed up to dozens of fetish and bdsm sites. Fetish.com is the best one bar none. I wish I would have had the balls to go to munches before covid. In my area they are starting back up and having quite a few to go to but my work has been conflicting with it. Maybe that's an avenue you might try. I hear really good things about munches and people that attend are there to help.
Good luck, be patient, and be safe!

[Deleted Member]

You have obviously started listening to yourself which is how you wound up here... now you need to start trusting your gut and being more brutal (perhaps cynical) about where that can lead you. Slow down! The kind of people you want to and deserve to connect with aren't going anywhere and won't rush you into things your body are screaming for but your mind is still just learning to process. Look after yourself and pay attention to the red flags. This is just like any other place people hang out and the good the bad and the ugly still all reside here.
A general rule of thumb is - if this were normal dating - would you still do it? I hope you don't give up, aren't put off by such an arsehole and find your feet quickly.

[Hy****]

Be picky. Go at your own pace. Do not kick yourself for mistakes you make, but learn from them.

No one is entitled to anything from you, your agency is your own.

If you need a friend who can give advice, I'm happy to give you some tips on negotiation and what potential red flags are, but it's a big topic.

What happened to you was predatory and not your fault.

[BigPolly]

Regardless of whether you know what you’re doing in or not, treat it like you would any relationship and set yourself very very firm boundaries and don’t back down from those boundaries.
Your boundaries don’t have to be extreme, One of my boundaries that I have set for myself is simply the use of manners, be that when they speak to me or when/how they reply. It’s not a huge boundary for some but for me it can say a lot about a person. Lack of manners means I loose respect & trust.
If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries then they’re not worth your time.
Over the years your boundaries and your kinks will change and that’s fine that happens to all of us as we learn but for now set yourself some solid rules in place.
Do not be told that you are wrong in anyway because you are not.
As others have said, trust your instinct and if something feels uncomfortable tell that person and they will either make you feel more comfortable or they will become an arsehole don’t compromise how you feel for anyone.
Some on here are completely new at this and some of us have been doing this for years and years yet we never stop learning so even though you consider yourself new and inexperienced we all have something new to learn so don’t feel out of your depth with this.
Also a golden rule is don’t message anyone whilst you’re either drunk or horny as you will say/do something you regret.
Have a look through everybody on here who has replied to you, at their profiles see what we’ve got written about ourselves and how we have them laid out etc
Read the things that pop up on the forum as you can learn a lot from there as well.
Don’t expect to find a Dom within a couple of days it could take months
And don’t hand out your private number or details to anyone.
If you feel like you’ve made a mistake or you’re going down the wrong path then simply back yourself up to where you were

Edited September 17, 2021 by BigPolly

[Deleted Member]

Totally agree with KinkySirXxX. The Good, The Bad & The Ugly! Spot on I think. Trust yourself. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. We have all made errors, no doubt, me too. Be strong 😘 Please by all means, if a good ear👂🏻Contact me when ever you like. Always remember your own safety is paramount and it is ALWAYS o.k to say no.

[Deleted Member]

Messaging on the go 🙄🙄🙄Apologies

[AKA_Copper]

There are some really useful posts in the new to bdsm forum here that you might find useful, also a website called the submissive guide
If you read up on sub frenzy it may help you to explain your feelings too. I've been there, I'm sure many of us have
I'd also report his acct here, he's potentially protraying himself to be something he's not, regardless he's not acted appropriately

[Du****]

I wouldn’t call myself an experienced Domme; I know how I like to be treated and I have certain expectations on which I won’t compromise (manners, gentlemen, please!). But I would never ask a submissive man to do anything or behave in any way that we hadn’t previously agreed on. Ever. My extensive experience of the way heterosexual men behave online is that they overwhelmingly act as the aggressor - whether dom or sub, many are reluctant to take No for an answer and are terrible at handling rejection. In the kink world they are marginally better (I’ve completely given up on vanilla sites) but here among like-minded folk, you should be able to take it as a given that your boundaries will be respected. Sadly, even on Fet, that isn’t the reality; but anyone who acts the appalling way that man did towards you is ruining it for everyone else. We can see who’s the fake here, and it’s not you.
I hope your excellent instincts will give you the confidence you deserve. It sounds as if they have not let you down. Trust them. ❤️

[Deleted Member]

Seems you had a lucky escape!! Always make the connection before in any situation
Even more so in this life style, safety first
Always trust your gut and never look at a play situation on a first date
Lunch or coffee dates in the day time…
Stay safe and good luck

[Deleted Member]

First let me say you did nothing wrong so please don’t feel that way. I agree with most of the information above. You need to take it slow and get to know the person. I’m glad you didn’t go meet him. Who knows what could have happened. When I meet someone it will is always in a populated area and I make sure I let them know nothing will happen the first time we meet. I don’t care how many times I have to reiterate it. Always remember that person isn’t your Dom until you agree upon it. They don’t control you and can’t make you do anything. Don’t give yourself so freely even if the conversation is good. Always ask questions, I don’t care if it’s the same question 100 different ways. You can never ask enough questions. If someone gets mad at you then they aren’t for you.

[Nylon-Nellie]

@Mr_E666 has hit the nail on the head, clothes on coffee meet couple times then start discussing scenes. I wouldn't entertain no play on the first date. People may seem nice online, but they can be different offline and in the flesh.

Read topics and talk to others. The comments that have been left are spot on.

My rule of thumb:- person first, kink second. A decent Dom will listen, take his time, communicate and not push you.

Please don't give up, your time will come to meet the right Dom. No, you haven't made a mistake. We all learn from our mistakes, myself included.