I don't want this to end us!

[7A****]

I have only dabbled in this world, never got serious. I am open minded, even bi curious.  My fiance has been doing this secretly, since before we got engaged. I knew something was going on and the lies were tearing us apart. She denied everything for years, until I finally got the proof. I thought she was my everything and I her. It's not so much what she is doing, it's that she told so many lies to do it. She says I'm her "one", she doesn't want anything to change. She wanted to bring me into this, but knew she couldn't stand to see me do it. She is a Dominant who lives to control, yet I get the feeling she wants me to control her.  I don't know if I'm excited, hurt, angry or amazed.  It's not cheating to her. I want to understand. We are still talking and I don't want to walk away. I'm very interested in becoming a part of this. I'm in need of experience to know what I want. I think I switch, but have never been totally dominated, that is her specialty. I'm upset because she could have dominated me, I'm open like that.  

Any advice is very welcomed. I believe she is my match. I believe we can do this and be matched. I don't want to go about wrong. 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

Before you even think or even talk about moving forward in this lifestyle you need to have a talk about why she lied can you trust her again ? That is what you need to find out once trust is gone then that will never come back don’t rush into anything because you don’t want to loose her. Sit down and have a chat otherwise if you don’t find out why she lied to you it will eat away at you.

[ey****]

I think it's good you want to move on from this - but there are some serious conversations  you need to have with her.

The first question is when she says "she couldn't stand to see you do it" - what does she mean by this?    There are some people who like to see their partners in certain lights, there are also some who like to seperate sexual relationships from kink ones.

It might be that no matter how open you are or aren't to any ideas; she might not wish to do this with you.   But, of course, one could assume if she's been doing this in secret with other people that she would have no issue with you seeking out play with others.  

Whatever you do or don't do next, it's very important to be open, all cards on table, whilst also setting boundaries on what you are and aren't happy for the other person to do - or are or aren't happy for the other person to *know* 

[Je****]

This very much confused me. For many reasons. If someone was lying to me for that length of time, they aren't for me. Personally.

[Br****]

Regardless of where you stand on dominant/switch etc, the fact that they lied to you for so long should be the biggest red flag.
Honesty and communication are key in any relationship, but even more so a kink relationship.
If they are prepared to lie to you for so long, do you trust them not to do it again?
It’s easy to try and dismiss thoughts of trust when you love someone, but if the love is both ways, the communication needs to be built up.

[ol****]

Going to be blunt here. What are you bringing to the relationship? You need to consider if this is a "cake and eat it" situation for your partner. 

It is possible to Dom a Domme but it's unusual.

For me the key question is why she does not want you involved. 

It is essential that you talk this out. Don't jump into a kink lifestyle to please your partner. I know it feels sexy and exciting at the moment but there is no certainty. You can't fight your nature and just become kinky. You can't be sure that your relationship will survive you adopting kink either. 

 

[ge****]

Before you do anything else - put any thoughts of pursuing this lifestyle to one side completely and focus on either fixing the relationship or moving on from it.
.
Until you do that anything else, including kink, is irrelevant and liable to lead to further misery.

[Ma****]

Yes, you need to talk about it, and maybe understand why she doesn't want you to get that involved , so talk to her and see if you could live with what ever she tells you, or if she won't talk about it then you need to work out what it is you want.

[7A****]

On 3/5/2022 at 12:20 PM, 7ABOO6 said:

I have only dabbled in this world, never got serious. I am open minded, even bi curious.  My fiance has been doing this secretly, since before we got engaged. I knew something was going on and the lies were tearing us apart. She denied everything for years, until I finally got the proof. I thought she was my everything and I her. It's not so much what she is doing, it's that she told so many lies to do it. She says I'm her "one", she doesn't want anything to change. She wanted to bring me into this, but knew she couldn't stand to see me do it. She is a Dominant who lives to control, yet I get the feeling she wants me to control her.  I don't know if I'm excited, hurt, angry or amazed.  It's not cheating to her. I want to understand. We are still talking and I don't want to walk away. I'm very interested in becoming a part of this. I'm in need of experience to know what I want. I think I switch, but have never been totally dominated, that is her specialty. I'm upset because she could have dominated me, I'm open like that.  

Any advice is very welcomed. I believe she is my match. I believe we can do this and be matched. I don't want to go about wrong. 

 

 

UPDATE:

Unfortunately, the (what I thought was) relationship is done. LIES are the root of all evil. Lies are the worst tool in a box of hurt!

She has admitted that, while looking for a couple that "fit",  she met with six couples.  The seventh was a "match". During her search, I move in with her, because she said " a couple should always sleep together/ wake up together all the time".  I agreed with that, plus we were getting along so well,  it seemed so natural to take the next step. We had been seriously dating for over three years.  She was constantly hinting around about getting engaged, showing me designs of rings she liked. Tapping her ring finger when she talked to me,  etc...  On Christmas morning, 2021, with her three children present,  I got on my knee and proposed to my best friend and soulmate. She tearfully excepted. What a wonderful feeling!   At that point in time,  my view of  the whole relationship was, it was the best times and memories a man could ask for. I was on track to having a family I always wanted.    

Little did I know,  she had begun searching for her other partners the October before. I did however,  start seeing red flags around November, which began the contention we had never experienced before.  We had security cameras already installed. I often looked at the footage, because I parked my work truck, with all my tools, in front of the camera(which was in our bedroom).  Sometime in November(before engagement) I noticed the shades in our room were pulled down during the day.  We usually had them up during the daytime, so I looked at that particular time frame. The blinds just went from being up,  to going down. That was all I could SEE. Then I noticed that I HEARD what sounded like a moan, so I turned up the volume to full blast to listen.  It was the unmistakable sound of my partner having several orgasms. I downloaded the footage to an audio app, to see what was going on.  It played out that she let someone in the bedroom,  they made out from the minute they walked in, stumbled over to the shades, while moaning, then orgasmed pationatetly on OUR bed.  The sound was not the best. I had filtered it the best I knew how. The sounds were there.  One thing that bothered me about the recording is.... right before the person walked in, she distinctly said  "fuck it".  I interpret that as when she made the choice to let go and do anything she wanted.  When confronted with the video, she denied, got angry and turned it around in me in less than a second. I ended up apologizing to her that night. As you already know,  it was forever imprinted in me.  She then proceeded to be the best partner I could ever dream of having. Things were great until we got engaged.  Two days after Christmas(engagement), we had the worst fight we ever had. She took the ring off and dropped it in my lap.. 

RED FLAGGS:

She showered and washed her panties upon arrival to home at least three days a week. 

Sex was less often and always when she chose.  I think she only fucked me, if she hadn't fucked elsewhere that day.

Communication while apart, almost ceased to exist.

She told me in great detail every single thing she did for the day and what she planned to do tomorrow, in detail.

Inconsistencies with her schedules/ disappearing for hours.

Guarded her cell phone with her life. 

I was never able to"catch her" until one night,  she fell asleep with her music playing,  the app she used kept the screen active.  I screen shot everything I could access. She was careful, even in her phone.  I did find things that were really bad,  but no "smoking gun". Things got worse and worse, around the house,  until finally I moved out.  We were still a couple. 

A year and a half later,  I found enough evidence that she couldn't deny.  She only told me what I caught her doing. But the thing is,  I didn't tell her everything I knew,  to see if she was actually coming clean.  FAIL, LIER.

She told me some things I didn't know, like the whole couples thing.  I didn't want to know the details,  but I have a theory of the dynamics of their bond. I'm pretty sure(evidence indicates) she fell in love with one of the two involved.  When the other partner felt like that's what was happening,  they he/she tried to pull away from my ex. Ex was in cahoots with the other partner, meeting in private and trying to change their mind about staying together.  I believe the two of them(ex and one of the two), are still seeing each other behind our backs. 

The level of deceit and trickery,  is selfish, inconsiderate, hurtful and down right evil. There are no words good enough to describe the dirty deeds. That is who she is inside. 

I officially broke it off. She was devastated. I am playing the role of my life,  but gone.  She was my best friend and soulmate.  

I had sex with multiple partners since. Which has good effect on my self worth, but I do miss her,  as a friend, mentally and sexually.

She recently found out I had sex with someone we knew. She got very upset and depressed(supposedly), showed up at my house and raped me(with consent). The sex was great right at first,  but then it wasn't.  

She is currently trying to get me back. I want her so bad!  I know the lies and the  backstabbing will only get worse.  I know I can't go back, but I feel as though I deserve to be abused and almost crave it.  It's awful while it's happening, but when it's not,  I feel dormant.  What's with that? 

She is truly a dominant person, without boundaries.  When does the domination stop?  Is it okay to step on people who aren't a part of it?  Are there boundries?  I thought that taking part in "sessions" helps to carry that out or 'get it out",  in a healthy way.  There has to be some type of limit to where you apply your dominance, sub etc.....

Or maybe she will leave a trail of broken souls and lonely victims in her wake. 

This lifestyle played a role in the situation, but not at fault. I am very glad that at least out of all of this, I found this wonderful environment to let my freak out! 

Please feel free to comment or molest me in any manner. ; )

*Note*

Please know that I worded some things in a way that were crude or very general,  to get the idea out. I apologize in advance,  if I described/wrote something that wasn't exactly portrayed correct or offended,  it wasn't intentional.