BDSM Does Not Equal Conformity

[AKA_Copper]

BDSM is not poly or monogamous; not sadomasochism, age play, or mind games. BDSM is not rope, not fire, not wax or toys or ***; not total power exchange, subservience or chastity. BDSM is whatever level of power exchange you and your partners want it to be.

As long as your lifestyle doesn’t harm or prescribe to others, you’re allowed to define your own dynamic.

A lot of people enter the scene because they’re tired of conforming, but then we tie them up in rules, thump our BDSM textbooks at them, and beat them half to death with expectations of conformity.

When I first created this profile, I felt like a drop of water trying to rush up a waterfall. Everything I saw and read stood in direct opposition to my kink preferences, so I began to count my “weaknesses”: I was too inexperienced, too monogamous, too unskilled.

I thought that I had to change to engage in power exchange, but a year and a bit later, I’m telling you to throw away the rules. I’ve heard a lot of stories in that time, tales of subs who are as uncomfortable with traditional roles as I am; tales of s-types with dominant personalities; of D-types who prefer unsubmissive bottoms; of switches who don’t particularly care what you call them as long as they get to extract joy from their relationships, so I refuse to fit other people’s labels.

BDSM is not *** or *** or suspension. It’s a relationship like any other, and there aren’t four love languages, but thousands. There is plenty of room there for you and me.

The problem with conformity is that it will efface you. It’s a neutral stance associated with oppression, hardly the spirit of what we like to brag about in Kink Town. I didn’t come here to live other people’s lives, but to find the truth of who I am. If Master Been-Dominant-Since-Birth wants a different kind of sub, he gets to look for her, but he does not get to redefine us.

[Deleted Member]

Amen to that.
There are know hard and fast rules for vanilla relationships, why should there be any for BDSM ones?

[Deleted Member]

No, not Know... ugh, posting at 5am ^^;

[ge****]

Bravo, perfectly stated as usual - and it's something often overlooked on sites like this - ultimately it is no different from any other relationship you might hold in that it's defined by the people involved in it, not others - yes there might be generally held "rules", and some of them around safety and care are very good ones, but those "rules" are general and not individual and in many instances should perhaps be re-termed as "guidelines".
.
Of course the things about safety and care, and indeed legality, matter and should be taken heed of, but at the same time if two sufficiently informed and consenting adults choose to adapt them with mutual agreement, then who am I to tell them they're wrong unless it's something that fundamentally is likely to cause them harm (which would suggest they weren't "sufficiently informed" to be able to consent)

[JA****]

I love this. Well said xx

[Deleted Member]

Thank you for your posts! I always find them to be encouraging and reassuring.

[Deleted Member]

Well said

[tarrick]

Damn. That's very well put.

[PanamaJoe]

Thank you for putting this out there. Every relationship is unique and will either grow or wither depending on the people involved. The one thing I do know is that IF you go into a relationship with only the intention of making sure you get everything you want out of it - then it is doomed to fail. Because if you have no love for the person you're with, then you won't care to see them as happy as yourself - which means you are treating them with contempt. And the thing that every counselor will tell you is that any contemptuous relationship cannot survive for long. They are just beneath you and not worth your time. Ultimately - a BDSM relationship is just like a vanilla relationship, it needs love to thrive - since we are human after all. Everything else is a negotiation and can be built on that foundation.

[Mo****]

I agree with this so much and that even within a relationship things will grow, change, flow and evolve so you might as well stomp on the rule book, set it on fire and use the flames to toast some marshmallows 😂

[AKA_Copper]

38 minutes ago, Morganna said:

I agree with this so much and that even within a relationship things will grow, change, flow and evolve so you might as well stomp on the rule book, set it on fire and use the flames to toast some marshmallows 😂

Marshmallows with hot chocolate? Yes please 😉

[Deleted Member]

Very true 🧚🏻‍♀️🍭

[Daedeluss]

Very well put (as always )
Your relationship/dynamic, is for you to define; it doesn't need - and shouldn't conform to someone else's set of rules (for it is written...).