What to do when you can't find partners

[Deleted Member]

So i have always had trouble meeting people online and have had horrid experinces on Adultfriendfinder, POF, OkCupid, and I *** this will be no different.(not a pitty party)

I do my best to present myself openly flaws and all, be respectful, and upfront with my wants. Overall, not a great track record, not down or sad about it. I am just curious if this happens to others or if i have done something without knowing to make myself come off wrong?

Just trying to improve and learn more.

[Deleted Member]

I have the same problems >_

[ey****]

Shall I tell you one of the hardest lessons in kink and relationships?

Sometimes you can seemingly do everything right and still not get what you crave.

From that, the two top tools

(1) patience 

(2) diversity 

On (1) this means accepting finding someone to gel with might take time

On (2) that not just online, but going to spaces where kinky people meet can give another trench of learning

[Lo****]

I have had the same symptoms experience. I try to also be very forthcoming. I often wonder if it’s me … I’m the flawed one. I do say it with a big of humor

[Mi****]

I’m so sorry to hear that

[su****]

Happens all the time to be honest in the lifestyle it’s tricky because some want different things and others are just want fun, not that it’s wrong because it’s not, just that it makes harder, like I have a preference and I find this guy who is my type but he has a different preference and that’s fine, just that everyone has preferences, keep in mind that everyone has a preference it takes time to find the one, one has to have patience in this lifestyle if we are gonna find the right partner for us

[AKA_Copper]

I checked out your profile. It's good. It focuses on you as a person, not simply kink. I would suggest maybe change the word dominate to dominant, a little picky I know.
I would also highlight that you're not single. Its good to be honest but you haven't offered any context around it/no hint that you're poly/your existing partner is aware that you're trying to connect with others. For me personally i'd find it off putting.
Eyem's right it's about getting out there, you may go to an event and not find that you connect with anyone but those someones know others etc etc
A word of caution though, please don't attend an event and be obvious that you're 'looking' or expect to find someone there. It gives you a sense of disappointment and it may feel like being a '2am pick up girl' for those you may be interested in

[ge****]

Being brutally honest - you have to accept on sites like this that revolve around sexual activity (and I'm including kink/BDSM in that) the pecking order places single men firmly at the bottom of the pile...almost...
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...and I say almost because there is a sub-criteria that actually falls slightly lower..that of the attached single man...regardless of whether they have "permission" or not (in fact the only time I have known that work has been when their partner is on the same site, and even then it's difficult).
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The reasons single men fall way down the list are many, and include the sheer volume of single men vs single women and other categories, the fact that many men don't know how to be considerate, respectful and frankly see "sex site" and think it's on tap and behave like it is, the trust and *** angles and much more.
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Now that all ***ts a fairly grim picture but actually the picture isn't grim for those single men (even the attached with permission ones) that "get it", that find the right approach, who do remain respectful and considerate and demonstrate it in their interactions, who do put an effort into their profile and pics, who do get along to social events and the like, who recognise that finding what they are looking for won't be handed to them on a plate and that it might take time and patience to find it.
.
For those men, sites like this can be an incredibly fulfilling experience.
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In fact when you take away the men that don't "get it" in one way or another, the number imbalance is a lot more even, and virtually disappears.
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So take all that on board, remain patient, find your way of approaching the site that works for you and it won't guarantee a thing but the experience will be so much better, and you won't be questioning what you are doing wrong.

[Sa****]

I’ll be honest mate, me and my partner are just starting life as a poly couple to explore and get out our comfort zone more sexually. I’m lucky if I have spoken with 5 womxn (maybe 1 is even a troll) - meanwhile men are disgusting. I say this because I have been shown her messages. I try my best to be funny, witty, polite , or anything I can to strike up a dialogue but my impression is most womxn are tired because they think all men are only after their hole. And in fairness, that’s probably a fair assumption. Online dating is an absolute headfuck, I’m more inclined to try and meet more people irl because it’s an incredibly difficult situ with sex workers/ trolls/ catfish etc in the online world. Keep the head up though man 🖤

[Deleted Member]

I've already been through several bad relationships in the kink community, and one that almost made me quit looking altogether. Luckily after several weeks, I met my dream babygirl who was also about to give up looking. I gave it a chance and messaged her and we instantly knew we wanted to be together. Unfortunately I have to met her as she's going through a lot of issues with her kids and ex husband so it's definitely not the best situation but we are getting through it together.
I think finding a partner in these communities are a lot harder than normal Dating and there are going to be a lot of failures until you have success.

[Ga****]

It happens to me as well. You are not alone

[Cu****]

Ive had similar experiences with all the pages ive been on, mostly get people that want to sell pictures, videos and sex, im not interested in nude pictures and videos of strangers and the sex would be fun, but not with a stranger for ***. Yes even on this page also...

And not paying fetish.com for membership are good as filters out all the nude things, that i like as makes it clean. its funny free function on this page unlike other free pages.

[be****]

Definitely feel the same way

[Ob****]

I'd suggest a big no no is looking for serious kink on vanilla dating sites. Especially the free lose-your-sanity variety you mentioned. It's highly likely you'll get bounced about, lose confidence, be judged, find it awkward to introduce kink aspects (and I mean regulate kink in that 51st shade, not the DMT variety (that's good DMT BTW) that you speak of. Etc.

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I had a look at your profile, you have some way interesting combination interests.

I'd suggest getting into groups and connecting with people who are into those things and then looking for people who are interested in going further from those groups. Also, consider starting some groups or helping people get into these more complex interests and count on personal connections....

Sorry, I got carried away. My main message was stay off free vanilla dating apps for good quality kink. It's a responsible thing to do!

[Ch****]

Men have a hard time on dating apps. It always feels like there’s 20 men for every woman.

Try kinky events nearby in real life. People that visit them are also more serious about dating, meeting people and this lifestyle in general. The male/female ratio is also usually more 50/50 there.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you everyone for the support and advice so far, it has been very helpful and constructive.

[ge****]

Guys, let's not turn this into a "pity poor men" thread - yeah it can be difficult to find your place on sites like this one, but everything is within your hands to find what you want with time, patience and finding the right approach.
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I've been using sites like this for many years now and have met some wonderful people, and not all of them just socially - and I'm a very average, over the hill, past my best kind of guy, so if I can say I've had positive experiences from sites like this, sure as eggs is eggs I'm sure anyone can.
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Blaming the sheer number of men is a little flawed too, as I said further up, if you take away the guys that don't get it, have the wrong approach and attitude, who are abusive etc - then the numbers are balanced a lot more evenly.
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Accepting it won't be handed to you on a plate and it may take time along with finding the right approach and maintaining a positive attitude really is the way to go - as I said further up it won't guarantee a thing but it will make your experience and perception of sites like this a whole lot better.

[Deleted Member]

I hate to tell you this but you’re… most likely… the problem.

[Lo****]

17 minutes ago, Alwasa3 said:

I hate to tell you this but you’re… most likely… the problem.

There’s no need for that.
 

All dating sites are hard to cope with and full of disappointment and false starts and fetish sites are worse. From the tales I’ve heard on here, the majority of men who use this site struggle to make the right connections. 

[ey****]

50 minutes ago, Alwasa3 said:

I hate to tell you this but you’re… most likely… the problem.

it *might* be true - but in this case it feels like the OP is genuinely reaching out to try to find ways to improve/grow rather than some of the woe-is-me stuff some guys pulls.  Hence me being a bit more on-side

[lo****]

I have alot of trouble finding people too. I have bad depression and anxiety so it's hard for me to really talk to anyone.

[Deleted Member]

I have a 100% failure record of online dating. One of the girls who ghosted me I now know IRL and we get on well.

Not everyone, me included, shows the best side online.

Head to munches, make friends, use online as an addition to your IRL life, not a replacement.

My two cents.

[AKA_Copper]

1 hour ago, gemini_man said:

Guys, let's not turn this into a "pity poor men" thread - yeah it can be difficult to find your place on sites like this one, but everything is within your hands to find what you want with time, patience and finding the right approach.
.
I've been using sites like this for many years now and have met some wonderful people, and not all of them just socially - and I'm a very average, over the hill, past my best kind of guy, so if I can say I've had positive experiences from sites like this, sure as eggs is eggs I'm sure anyone can.
.
Blaming the sheer number of men is a little flawed too, as I said further up, if you take away the guys that don't get it, have the wrong approach and attitude, who are abusive etc - then the numbers are balanced a lot more evenly.
.
Accepting it won't be handed to you on a plate and it may take time along with finding the right approach and maintaining a positive attitude really is the way to go - as I said further up it won't guarantee a thing but it will make your experience and perception of sites like this a whole lot better.

To add to this, I think that theres a real misconception that women have an easier time dating when the reality is that that's really not true. We may get more 'attention' but, it's mostly the unwanted type

[Trey17]

I’ve had the same problem online and in real life. I go to a lot of events and try to not be afraid of messaging/speaking first. I think being extremely forthcoming is what you should be doing but it does mean that you have to find someone that aligns with what you like which of course takes time. Also I saw a previous comment about guys being weird/gross in women’s messages, that part is also true. A lot of women are on guard for good reason and that also can make it more difficult. I have had friends tell me the messages they get are wild af. And not in a good way. Lol

[ItsTheTevs]

I have very little to do here but add to the chorus of people who find even getting a conversation to start on a dating sites to be incredibly difficult, despite online dating's reputation. The silence absoluetly shreds your self-confidence. It is just a case of keeping on at it, trying new things while remaining respectful, and not having it be your only way of making connections within the scene though. You just have to be nice and hold on to the hope that eventually you'll gey lucky and it'll work out at some point, like all attempts at relationships