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Dom Vs Domme


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I think with any labels - there should be a flexibility around self-identity as long as people can see what you mean.
i.e.  you can call yourself Dom, Dominant, Master, Owner (or Domme / Mistress / Mxtress / Sir / etc) there's very little between the titles.  Obviously some are gendered, but some shouldn't be as such.  

As long as you are a Dominant, pick the honorifics you're happiest with.


For me things Are very very clear 

words , expressions . Terminology for me important in the lifestyle 


its basic manners and etiquette 

A male dominant is a Dom

A Dominant female is Domme 


For me women calling themselves Doms are showing a lack of understanding , I would be concerned their lack of understanding regarding the basic principles 


Does it mean it's ok to change things like "safe word" to something else 

Does it means we can change the names of the basic sub positions 


surely we root out lots of fakes by how the conduct themselves and their understanding of the basics .... surely if we change something as basic as Dommes and Doms it opens the flood gates for fakes to slip through


Old School am I , that's not going to change 




I dunno, y'all might have your minds blown at brilliant ladies like Sir Claire.

14 hours ago, Firewitch said:

This is fabulous...

I am the product of feminism/ political correctness. 

Thanks to my fore mothers I am an educated,  professional woman who works full time and manages this alongside raising a young family,  as a single parent due to hopeless men. This is another topic but also feeds into the success of women.....

In BDSM my femininity is celebrated,  all that was challenged previously about the objectification of women and their sexuality is brought to the fore.  I am a proud submissive and my learning on this part of my journey has consolidated all I've learned in vanilla life. 

I am ***ful that a dilution of language in this community will dilute what this means to so many.  

PC is prevalent in our daily lives, communication,  openness and opinions are all inhibited by it, in my opinion.  I love the fact that I can relinquish my feminist "privilege" to Sir who is able to keep up with me and in many many ways had taught me so much.  Women should feel empowered by the definitions BDSM brings whatever identity/ role. Bringing PC into this life I feel can only be detrimental as the two don't fit.  How can we express ourselves if we can't use the appropriate language? This will only breed confusion and discord. 

We should promote respect,  free speech and the opportunity to explore these issues whilst continuing to pay homage to the origins of our lifestyle/ sexuality.  Thus valuing and preserving the heritage while sharing and passing on what we have learnt. 




Awesome as usual @Firewitch💕🔥

Totally agree with Fires’s points. Ed has raised a useful topic. I’ve been in this world for 32 years and this would never have been a discussion point years ago. As with @MrChristopher70 I too consider myself old school. 

As a straight (sub’e’ ..switch ‘e’ 😀😂) female I would much prefer to know if I were talking to a Dom(me) or a Dom. It makes a huge difference! Fortunately  I have a wonderful Dom so I am safe!😂



I agree with Ed, Fire, MrC and my wonderful Sub Jinx. I see no need to change names which have been historically accepted and don't cause offense. We accept a clarification or Male Sub/switch,  Female Sub/Switch etc and surely to make Dommes into Doms would then require the addition of an unnecessary prefix male or female making the  suggested change all rather pointless.


I don't think anyone was suggesting a change.   

Just that, because someone whom is a female Dominant choose to abbreviate to Dom instead of Domme, doesn't mean she doesn't know what she's doing.

Mind, of course - there may be plenty of other things that shows she doesn't know what she's doing....


Oh, I very much agree that people should pick the honorific that works best for them. 

Freedom to be what you want to be, how you want to be. 


Just reading this as new to the scene shows the spectrum involved within this community. I suspect a lot of the answers are also a reflection of persons sexual orientation and on a site where there is such diversity, in a society with increased sexual diversity, I can see no definitive answers. Say a drag queen is the dominant, should that person be referred to as a domme or a dom? With my personal history I still honestly struggle to refer to a drag queen in the feminine sense even though said persons refer to themselves as women. Some would say I am ignorant, prejudice etc. Some would say I am just being real, but I guess each argument is valid in the context of its own moral and philosophical mindset/worldview. Personally and even not being a longstanding participant in Kink or on this forum I can see the most weight behind the "shows a person's understanding of the basics scene", but being a snob it also shows the understanding (or lack of) for basic language a lot of the time. Still what has impressed me is the intelligence and inherent respect of the answers so far. One thing that I find within the BDSM community as opposed to other sexually motivated communities is there seems to be a link between intellect, honesty, depth and this particular lifestyle choice.

Hmm i think im seeing the point moreso of why it may be an indication of a lack of understanding. In my own opinion how they may refer to themselves and wish to be referred to is up to them but as a whole female dominants are Dommes. Its important for some people to retain that identity yknow?


Love this forum for discussions like this.

Why should the same dynamic have different abbreviations because of gender? (Please let's not go down the root of Latin words). What if you feel your identity is not linked with your gender? My body makes me female but my mind I don't think always agrees with that.

To be told because my body is female I need/have to be a Domme and shouldn't use Dom because it is not the correct label for my dominant dynamic, hmm telling a Dom what to do, is that going to get you very far? 😅

On the other flip side of the coin, choice of expression and if you wish to use a gender based role, if thats what makes you comfortable, it's your identity.

Having the need for this discussion in the first place just goes to show that "lazy sexism" can sneak in anywhere.

Freedom of choice and identity has got to be the first consideration.

4 hours ago, Method said:

One thing that I find within the BDSM community as opposed to other sexually motivated communities is there seems to be a link between intellect, honesty, depth and this particular lifestyle choice.

I like this observation and I agree.  It's also something I find very alluring and fulfils me like nothing ever else has, and I've been searching for a long time


34 minutes ago, Firewitch said:

I like this observation and I agree.  It's also something I find very alluring and fulfils me like nothing ever else has, and I've been searching for a long time


I must admit I'm a bit sapiosexual and I find that when someone who is very self aware, ethically aware and intelligent; for that person to consent to all manner of depraved acts and to enjoy doing so, well, it's about the height of intimacy for me. 


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