Limits

[po****]

Question for thé dom's among is

How do you try to see where the limits are at if the sub just says go crazy, without going overboard?

[ey****]

if a sub's communication is no better than "go crazy" then proceeding is irresponsible

A lot of context applies but establishing a 'white list' - what they like, what they want to try, what their experience is - and work within that.

If you are doing impact play, say, with someone new - as well as making sure they have a safeword - you can use a traffic light system.  Periodically check in with them - green means keep going (s***d up or go harder if you like), amber means "I'm about approaching limits" and slow down or ease up for a bit and red means stop, at least for the second.

Remember that you don't have to play up to the point of limits and it's easier to stop, finish, talk about what worked and what didn't and do more next time - than, well, you can't undo what's been done.

[Deleted Member]

Use the traffic light system and build up the intensity of each type of play gradually

[Deleted Member]

Just now, Monteg said:

Use the traffic light system and build up the intensity of each type of play gradually

And constantly maintain communication

[CopperKnob]

In short, you don't. I'm not a Dom but if a stype has no limits i'd suggest that they have no clue as to who they are in within the world of kink. It's fine to be new and not know, but to say "go crazy"? Madness.
I'd suggest that any 'Dom' faced with that situation does not engage with any kink until they are certain of the context of that statement AND the stype has had the ability to gain some self awareness. For me, its not about testing the limits without going overboard, both of you will likely come to harm of some description

[Ar****]

You still find out how they feel about certain things. Show them various pieces of play equipment (particularly ones which may be deemed more "crazy" than others) and measure their responses/enthusiasm to them, learn about any experience with such pieces they may have had before. Ask them directly about extreme acts (especially those where there are likely to to severe/lasting consequences) - whether you are personally interested in those acts or not - so as to encourage your potential sub to consider what "going crazy" may really mean and ensure you are both on the same page. Find out about clear hard limits, make sure you understand what is not on the table - everybody has a line whether they claim to or not.

Otherwise do as you would hopefully do with any other partner; until you have had enough sessions to get to know each other to an adequate degree, don't rush, build your play steadily, and keeping checking in with them to make sure that what you are doing is alright with them. You can always "go crazier" in later sessions, but you can never uncross a line so your first responsibility is to keep both of you safe.

[Ni****]

If a submissive said that to me, it would indicate that its far too early to play with them, let alone find their limits. They need to research what they might be interested in, and what not, and you both need to communicate and ask questions. Then when you both have a clearer idea of what you're looking for and want to try, meet, play and enjoy.

[Deleted Member]

When a sub indicates that he/she has no limits, normally any normally thinking and functioning D type will set off alarm bells. You can find out where possible limits lie with good conversations, based on thorough questions. I myself am a proponent of a simple means, the diary. In this I let my s type not only write down the fantasies and thoughts, but also feedback from sessions, for example.

[po****]

Thanx for thé good advice, really helps for moving forward

[Th****]

I won't play - if a sub hasn't thought about their limits enough to give a concrete answer then I'm doing nothing with them until they do. That direction is about as much use as a chocolate teapot.

[Deleted Member]

I've heard the go crazy, do what you want, plenty of times but that isn't good enough, saying "don't go overboard" tells you nothing, that gives you no indication of how far you go as not overboard to one person can be completely different for another person, without an idea of limits & boundaries you are leaving yourself open to sexual ***, r*pe, *** & false imprisonment charges

[ey****]

one other thing - and this ties in with my first point a little

some people feel a little on the spot with limits and kinda freeze up (sometimes possibly hoping they're not about to say your favourite thing) and for everyone else - limits are non exhaustive

I won't say that, of my sub side, I have "few limits" - I have lots of limits.  I can take caning and whipping etc. but I'm not a hardcore player.  I love strap on, but there's only so much I can take.   There are things which are soft limits, but my soft limits are not a challenge.  There are things which are definite limits which I will not do.  There are things I will do with people I particularly like.  There are people who I might play with, but wouldn't want to do certain activities with.

This is before we get into the whole thing that limits are not exhaustive.

"What are your limits....?"

"Umm, *** and anything illegal"
"Well technically most BDSM play is not fully legal so you might want to try that again..."

So, rewind a bit.  Particularly if someone is a little new and naive.  Ask them what they want to do.  If they're still trying to do the whole "I'll do anything" shtick but still want to play with them - start listing activities and things you might want to do and ask if this is ok?

"Can I spank you?  Yes.  With what... hands, paddles, belts.... can I use a flogger? just on your bum or on your back? what about breasts or genitals?  caning?  Hair pulling? Can I spit on you? Can I touch your genitals? Can I make you touch mine? Can I penetrate you? Orally, vaginal, anal? With or without condom for oral?  Can I touch your breasts, bum, legs, feet?....  so on" 

 

[typhoon2]

First time - or first few times - I play Inclusive. We agree certain acts and implements and stick rigidly to those, only re-negotiating once subspace has completely worn off and they're able to give informed, enthusiastic consent once more. That's Topping, rather than Dominating, but the former leads into the latter assuming both parties remain happy. Exclusive scenes, where certain things are avoided (Limits), come only with experience of each other and I reserve those for when the initial sub frenzy has abated. I already know my limits but her own limits are more important, espcially early on.

[ey****]

Actually - that's another good point.  

So, especially if you are playing with someone new.  Consent and known limits should be discussed before play begins.  

If play has started, always err on the side of caution when asking about or bringing in things that were not previously discussed.    Once play has started a lot of endorphins do their work and so this can haze judgement.  Equally this is also why even with safewords or traffic lights or whatever was previously agreed - you as a Dominant also have to make the calls as and when to stop the scene.

Also when you are talking to someone pre-play there is a more level playing field in discussions.   Particularly then if someone is strapped down, tied up, bent over, whatever - then there is a power imbalance : I've had to discuss with a sub who once admitted that if she was overwise enjoying a scene she would refrain from using a safeword to stop it, even if she had (say) leg cramp or someone was starting to encroach on consent.    So then in the heat of a moment some subs will say yes, or go through with something - but then of course in the cold light of day - of course, not be happy with that.  

So context is on how well you know the other person, but, if in doubt.... when you're chatting afterwards it can always be a "I had this idea midplay but didn't want to change things" and the sub is going to respond with either "I'm glad you didn't" or "you could next time" 

Obviously the more you know someone the more you can have confidence.

Switching my hats round.... I did play with two ladies last weekend and one I had played with a couple of times before so - there was this moment where there was this look in her eyes between something she wanted to do, and knew I would like, even though we hadn't prior discussed it - and she spat on me (was hot as fuck, particularly as unexpected) which prompted the other to.  Contextually this is fine because this was something she knew I loved, having had a lot of fun with spitting in the past.