Wasting My Time

[Ar****]

1 hour ago, IrishScott said:

Every single person I have spoken to on here either has been fake, a scammer, or expected me to pay for sex. I have had the misfortune of spending 2 weeks chatting with someone and got the "well I meet someone else on here and I just like talking to you."

You've made an honest and open post here that - unlike a lot of similarly themed posts - does appear to be genuinely seeking advice and not bitching/moaning, as you say. It's nice to see.

Yet at the same time the main thing I take away from your post is the contradiction above. Is every single person you have spoken to as you describe, or have there been exceptions such as in the very reasonable example you gave after it? If you can't be honest with yourself, it's going to be very difficult to be honest with others.

[PanamaJoe]

80-20 rule. Not sure about men, but 80% of women find only 20% of men to be attractive. This is no joke. Dating sites used surveys and discovered that about 80% of women consider 80% of the men on the dating site to be below average in attractiveness. This should be impossible since they should have only found 50% of men below average. The ONLY explanation is that women have such a high standard that most average or slightly above average men are still considered below average to them.
Why is this the case? Social pressure, propaganda from TV and movies, less intimacy in relationships, evolution, and other factors may explain some of it - but the ultimate result is that women today have higher standards for men today.
For men - they still tend to classify 50% of girls on a website as below average... but even that does not prevent them from going on dates with them. If you were to look at an SMV scale - women tend to match with people across (at their level) or higher. Men tend to match with people across and lower. It's not 100%, but it's quite a high percentage.
As for age - if the above criteria are passed, women tend to prefer men 2 to 8 years older than them, while men prefer women between 18-24 years old. So yes... 75 year old men still prefer 18-24 year olds.
Otherwise, I don't know of any other statistics for any other gender dynamics. ie male-male, female-female, etc. But just keep in mind that these are stats. They apply to a majority of cases, but it's never 100%.

[sexwith-aghost13]

Trust me, I get the same exact treatment! There aren't many genuine doms/subs, its very difficult to find someone who isn't just about sex or talking to many people/sleeping around. Genuine people who are into the lifestyle are difficult to find, you just have to comment on a lot of stuff and honestly if you find people in person just be open about your lifestyle. Some people arent on apps like these so you just have to be open about it

[Deleted Member]

12 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

You've made an honest and open post here that - unlike a lot of similarly themed posts - does appear to be genuinely seeking advice and not bitching/moaning, as you say. It's nice to see.

Yet at the same time the main thing I take away from your post is the contradiction above. Is every single person you have spoken to as you describe, or have there been exceptions such as in the very reasonable example you gave after it? If you can't be honest with yourself, it's going to be very difficult to be honest with others.

So It may not have been clear, but I lump the people who just wanna talk as the part of the waste of my time. Im very honest with myself and dont feel I contradicted myself at all, and if your comment is meant to be a form of advice you arent making yourself clear and you are coming across rude.

[Deleted Member]

Remember the first rule of Fet, if she mentions the word crypto EVER, she's a scammer.

[Pl****]

Unless you're particularly attractive, I think it's usually easier for most guys to meet women in person. Women have an abundance of suitors online, and it's not easy for most guys to stand out. 

Based on what you're saying, you're shockingly terrible at discerning fake/scam/sex worker profiles. I love interacting with scammers, and even I don't chat with that many, and I can always spot them right away. It sounds like you're exclusively going after particularly young and attractive women (which are most of the fake/scam/sex worker accounts). If you want to have better odds and deal with fewer scammers, you might consider being a little more realistic. 

What else could you be doing differently? Well, you could try working out more and paying some attention to grooming. The long hair and hobo beard isn't going to work for everybody. You're younger than me, but you look about 20 years older. 

Photos are massively important for meeting people online, and there are certain things you want to showcase that most women will find attractive. First is a good genuine smile, with teeth showing. The second is a photo doing something fun with friends (preferably mixed company), which shows that you actually go out and do things, and aren't a creep with no friends. In fact, you should try to have at least a few photos of you in interesting locations. If you have a fit body, it's nice to show it off in a proper context, such as swimming or beach volleyball, but selfies (mirror or otherwise) are gratuitous and typically considered in poor taste. Keep an eye out for the background of your photos, as women are going to judge them and make inferences about the kind of lifestyle they would have with you. Hobby shots are also decent, which is why your workshop photo is probably your most effective, though I suppose it'd be better if you were upright with good posture. 

In general, it's not attractive to complain about the lack of success you're having meeting people online, for several reasons, so this post isn't your best friend. One of the most attractive things to most women is how attractive other women find you, so you're not doing yourself any favors there. Women are also not under any obligation to deal with you, and they already deal with a lot of guys who feel entitled to things for no reason. You don't want to complain if people aren't interested, because they have every right not to be. If a woman thinks a guy can't take rejection well, they're probably not going to want to deal with him in the first place. 

So anyway, good luck in your continued endeavors, but I do at least recommend spending more effort on meeting people in person.

[Deleted Member]

There's a bunch of issues.

1. You're listed as in a relationship already and are ENM which isn't going to work for most women who are serious.

2. Women who aren't serious or will enter into some type of poly are often going to want someone significantly better looking to trade off the fact they aren't exclusive.

3. Dating in general has kind of become insane, social media and cultural issues have created very distorted expectations. This mixed with general immaturities and people refusing to grow up has resulted in what we see today.

 

[Deleted Member]

It's never fun being in that situation honestly unfortunately due to women having such high standard and men having lower, we are always on average going to be worse off then the majority of women when it comes to things like this. I would certainly change your bio if it was me. If a woman gets a whiff of doubt coming from you they are gonna run away. Honestly my only advise is just be unapologeticly you. That's it, because if your chasing the pot of gold you will never be happy, don't feel the need to *** situations or opertunities, they may make you blind to others. I have had the best relationships with people that have all come from organic situations, sure some have come of things like dating apps, but not many and they are just never often what you hope for. Put yourself out there, but don't stress to much about it. What ever happens, you are still you, that's all that matters and if someone likes you for that, even better 👍

[Therapist]

Sadly there does seem to be some strange people and time wasters in here. I personally either get no replys or have had 1 time waster an just recently, started off well then got kinky and then few red fags and been into kink for a long time so I no the signs and know when to stop. Have been on Fetlife, its more life style kink site but there are pages and groups on there for singles etc

[Deleted Member]

It can be frustrating on here for men in particular given the ratio of men to women (10:1 I heard mentioned).
But I believe there are more genuine people on here than fake ones.
Think about what you put in your profile so it says who you are and what you're looking for. Contribute in forums and if you send DM, make sure you have read the other persons profile - particularly what they are looking for - then make sure you say why you think you'll be a good match.
I've met a few really good friends on here so it does work, but it takes time so be patient and take time to make your profile and introduction messages stand out.
Good luck!

[DE****]

I’m with you my brother. It makes me wonder if I’m undateable, seriously

[GL****]

My best advice I can give is to not give up. Toughen up your skin. Be persistent… and move. Lol
I’m kidding about the moving part but it might not be a bad either. This site works very well. Been on it for over a year. I too have had my ups and downs. I can pick out scammers and catfish like Nev and Max with all my experiences lol. It’s not you… it’s them. Learn from everything you’ve gone through and keep evolving and growing. I’ve felt like you before. I feel for you brother but I promise what is meant for you… will be yours. Just don’t give up. Less is more on the bio. Yours is like a movie trailer that makes you feel like you’ve seen the whole movie already. Good luck brother. You got this!

[mi****]

I agree I have had no luck on this site, everyone is either fake or wants ***

[Deleted Member]

My fiancée left me nearly 9 months ago, after a month I started dating, so did she and she already lives with the guy she met.

I have made some friends and had conversations with real people online, but it hasn't really gone anywhere.

I'm not even primarily looking for sexual interactions. I'm just trying to find people to talk to.

I get what your feeling and it's hard. The only thing I can suggest is go to munches from here or fetlife.

[No****]

My advice to you. I'm going to assume you don't act desperate, needy, abusive, entitled, get talking sexual too quickly, doesn't send unsolicited dick pics, creepy and I'm assuming you're a cool guy who just is having trouble getting the right exposure. I'd suggest the following:

1. Get on Fetlife. Make your profile reflect your positive attributes. Establish that you're just looking to meet new people and see where it goes. I'd suggest no dick pics. That's just my opinion.
2. Get on your local events page there. Look for munches in your area. Forgive me if you already know but these are just happy hours for like minded kinksters in vanilla street clothes. They're usually really nice people. Just make friends. You'll start going to more events.
3. Take your time. After talking to people at events. You can ask them if they'd like to become friends on fetlife. They usually will have no problem being friends. Run into them at more events. Build rapport.
4. Reputation is important. Be a good dude. Cool and respectful to people. Respect their kinks. No pressure. People in the kink community talk. So if you're abusive, a user, creepy or a pos it gets around. People won't want to play with you. Your reputation meeting people will allow you to get vetted for play parties.
5. Be knowledgable about kink. Don't be afraid to learn. Get a mentor. Often there will be cool people at munches willing to answer any questions you may have.

I feel like there's a terrible influx of fake Doms. I discuss it in my profile here.

Drop me a message if you have questions.

[Mr-Brown]

Lol welcome to the world of internet dating! Happens to us all mate don't worry it's not you!

[CopperKnob]

1 hour ago, sWitchHazel said:

However, engaging in the forum and posting ideas, opinions on the thread are good ways to attract actual people who like your style and ways. If you come at it with numbers and time in mind, you will make yourself feel bad for no reason. And, this isn't transactional. "I did x, y, and z...so where's my abc?" doesn't work. And, frankly, it can *seem* falsely entitled. And nobody is entitled to another person's attention.

I agree, you're unlikely to come across that many scammers/trolls/fake accts in the forums. That's where you can often start to form connections, albeit on a really basic level with others as in acquaintances as opposed to friendship or anything more. It's where you have the opportunity to see how others think, communicate etc.
Personally, it's really really rare that I'll respond to a message from someone who I've not had contact with in the forum threads. The forums really are the starting point I think

[Va****]

I believe in what you are saying scams, fakes, ***, but AFF has been a glorious experience throughout many years of great experience I will say....

[Th****]

There’s been a study showing that a lot of people are actually starting to go back to the old school way of dating. You’re not alone my man, I’ve been on Dam near all dating platforms myself with nothing to show. Have had tinder for about 8-10 years, got one girlfriend from it, and met maybe 10-20 people. For 8-10 yrs, that’s horrible. I’m about to follow the herd like I seldom do, and start going after women in person. Hit the bars, the clubs, etc. My thing is… yea we’re looking for something specific here, but at what point does it make more sense to spend a year messaging scammers or fakes, when you could spend a year getting to know a real person, in person, and finding out if they’re a good match or not? I dont know about any of you, but at this point, I’d prefer the latter. At least I know what I’m getting into

[Ak****]

Seriously, I can see how difficult it is for guys to find actual females that are truly in the lifestyle. Let alone someone who understands being a vet, outdoors, primal or true roleplay. You'd definitely be first on my list if I was single. You're intense and just my type. Doesn't hurt I'm a vet too. It will take time but I think you can find who you're looking for. 😘💕

[J-****]

2 hours ago, PanamaJoe said:

80-20 rule. Not sure about men, but 80% of women find only 20% of men to be attractive. This is no joke. Dating sites used surveys and discovered that about 80% of women consider 80% of the men on the dating site to be below average in attractiveness. This should be impossible since they should have only found 50% of men below average. The ONLY explanation is that women have such a high standard that most average or slightly above average men are still considered below average to them.
Why is this the case? Social pressure, propaganda from TV and movies, less intimacy in relationships, evolution, and other factors may explain some of it - but the ultimate result is that women today have higher standards for men today.
For men - they still tend to classify 50% of girls on a website as below average... but even that does not prevent them from going on dates with them. If you were to look at an SMV scale - women tend to match with people across (at their level) or higher. Men tend to match with people across and lower. It's not 100%, but it's quite a high percentage.
As for age - if the above criteria are passed, women tend to prefer men 2 to 8 years older than them, while men prefer women between 18-24 years old. So yes... 75 year old men still prefer 18-24 year olds.
Otherwise, I don't know of any other statistics for any other gender dynamics. ie male-male, female-female, etc. But just keep in mind that these are stats. They apply to a majority of cases, but it's never 100%.

This ^

[J-****]

Sorry dude. If it’s any consolation, it’s not just you. 90% of the women on here are just here to sell their nudes or tease guys.

[Hy****]

All right, as a guy who has had some success in dating while not being Nurotypical (as I sincerely believe most kinksters are)

First off, let’s talk about what it isn’t.

the attractiveness thing is something that isn’t a big problem for guys as it is for women, and you don’t look like a walrus, your pictures aren’t bad. They could probably use a greater degree of diversity and how they are shot, like doing something that you enjoy, I candid shot rather than a bunch of selfies, but it’s not really the thing that’s stopping you. Consider that if you have a photo that “does” the same thing as another photo, you probably don’t need to post it. Showing your body type is important, but it’s less important for men to do it then it is for women.

As beards go, there are women that are into it, and women that are really not into it. You’ve chosen a beard, so that’s going to cater to a certain demographic and turn off another certain demographic, but that’s true about a lot of things, beards just happen to be a very specific thing.

The 80%-20% thing is a red herring. What people want most of all is partners that can take care of their needs.

[Hy****]

For somebody to take care of another person’s needs, especially being in a dominant position, you must be able to write a profile that shows that you can take care of your own needs pretty well. I’m gonna be honest, looking over your profile, you come across as a very needy man.

I’m not trying to be a jerk. We live in societies that are pretty good at keeping us isolated from other people, work situation’s where anonymity is better valued than tribal dynamics. A lot of men are raised in situations where they don’t really have a cause to fight for and ultimately it’s bad for us. Women are better at dealing with it because their brains are better suited to connecting with others.

But when it comes to dating, people are here to have their needs met, and if a woman reads her profile and she gets a whiff of “this guy cares way too much about the way things should be rather than the way things are“, you’re gonna get dropped, because she’s got 20 to 2000 other profiles that can at least show that looking at them doesn’t take emotional work, much less meeting the person. If you frontload with that, they are gone.

It is an extremely difficult thing to thread the loop between not giving a fuck about what doesn’t matter, and giving enough fucks to show that you are caring ESPECIALLY through text. As men, as needy needy men, our goal is to show both at the same time. If you can do that, it will rain pussy in your life.

The profiles on Feeld will give you a better grasp of what this looks like. This site kind of sucks. It’s new, it’s overdesigned, it isn’t well populated, and the men to women ratio is not very good. You should go onto OkCupid and look at men’s profiles, you will get a sense of which ones are successful and which ones or not, And since men don’t get a lot of messages usually, you can message what you think the good ones are and ask them How they are doing. Then once you figure out what the general feel is, you need to work on crafting a message that shows who you are, tells what you want (and what you don’t, but be very careful not to put too much into this section and not dwell on it), and more importantly, what you provide (also don’t dwell on this too much).

Learn to say more with fewer words. realize this isn’t some *** handed down from other, but something you’re not providing. If it is just that you are doomed, there’s no reason to complain, just take the black pill and be done with it, but black pill is bullshit. This is doable, you just haven’t figured it out yet.

[so****]

The 80/20 rule IS a thing. Not only on the attraction side, but also in socioeconomic standing, height, etc. The top 20% of men get the top 80% of women, leaving 80% of men fighting over the bottom 20% of women. Last time I brought this up it wasn't taken so well lol but it is fact. OkCupid & tinder did this original research. I'm just glad that someone else is saying it besides me.