Wasting My Time

[Ryan1o9]

Sounds like you are def doing in wrong

[Hy****]

It is a thing, but it’s not the thing. There is a reason why you will see more really hot chicks dating unattractive men, but not men attractive men dating unattractive women. That discrepancy falls much harder on women, and given that our poster doesn’t look like a horse, it’s not the thing here, which is what he’s asking about.

Let’s not turn this into a “what about men!“ and/or lookism. That’s not the point of this thread. If this guy is serious about not being about whining, those topics only make it about that.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, NovaRom said:

My advice to you. I'm going to assume you don't act desperate, needy, abusive, entitled, get talking sexual too quickly, doesn't send unsolicited dick pics, creepy and I'm assuming you're a cool guy who just is having trouble getting the right exposure. I'd suggest the following:

1. Get on Fetlife. Make your profile reflect your positive attributes. Establish that you're just looking to meet new people and see where it goes. I'd suggest no dick pics. That's just my opinion.
2. Get on your local events page there. Look for munches in your area. Forgive me if you already know but these are just happy hours for like minded kinksters in vanilla street clothes. They're usually really nice people. Just make friends. You'll start going to more events.
3. Take your time. After talking to people at events. You can ask them if they'd like to become friends on fetlife. They usually will have no problem being friends. Run into them at more events. Build rapport.
4. Reputation is important. Be a good dude. Cool and respectful to people. Respect their kinks. No pressure. People in the kink community talk. So if you're abusive, a user, creepy or a pos it gets around. People won't want to play with you. Your reputation meeting people will allow you to get vetted for play parties.
5. Be knowledgable about kink. Don't be afraid to learn. Get a mentor. Often there will be cool people at munches willing to answer any questions you may have.

I feel like there's a terrible influx of fake Doms. I discuss it in my profile here.

Drop me a message if you have questions.

How do you find these "munches" every time I read about them the poster is in England or Europe somewhere never In states or local

[so****]

That being said, I find the bdsm community to be much more forgiving & understanding than the vanilla world. The same statistics probably don't apply to us lol There are unfortunately a metric shit ton of fake accounts & scammers on here lol I've never really had many issues other than that. I've met my last 2 subs on here, 1 good friend & one very sweet almost mistress that wasn't meant to be. It's all about how much effort you put into it & not to put expectations too high. Just be yourself, be polite & let things go at their own pace. However I would recommend FetLife over this lol

[ey****]

17 minutes ago, BABYHUEY1972 said:

How do you find these "munches" every time I read about them the poster is in England or Europe somewhere never In states or local

there's loads in the US - but - sometimes I know some rural areas have less coverage.  findamunch is a good comprehensive listing 

[ey****]

woah. there's been a lot of comments in a short space of time and a lot of good advice.

online dating is really difficult and I still think a lot of people online do better from passive connections (i.e. talking to someone privately you've got-to-know via forums or chat.  I can't speak for chats but the scammers get blitzed on the forum) and, well, generally I don't stick to one site and of course have been relatively active in my local community.  But that does kinda depend on the goal, whether it's to find a relationship, try things, hook up play, whatever.   I did end up doing some form of play most nights - but that was often easier with someone I'd also interacted with or got to know online or via munches.

I'm still rather cynical on the 80/20 rule - it seems to be one study constantly gets cited that people think has been repeated but it's just the same study and there were flaws in the data then.

However.... 

if it were true.

Someone in the 20% of men would know this because of all the matches, dates and options they had.   And while someone in the 80% might struggle - even if they only had potential matches from 20% of women that's still only really a 1 in 5 ratio so a general good approach still has strong chance of matches.

 

[ca****]

We are all in the same boat, the time wasters, fakes, *** earners, advertisers and complete loons are all over the Internet.
Stick with it and enjoy the banter and getting to know people and learning about yourself. It will eventually be worthwhile.
I met people off this app, some after hours of chatting and some after weeks of talking, it's pot luck geography wise and who's around.
Never give up, never give in

[CopperKnob]

At the moment on FL, there's a really good writing about how to structure and what to include in the message as well as how to sensibly identify who to message. IMO, ot was a well thought out post with sensible advice

[Ni****]

This is some incel energy

[Deleted Member]

I think you’ll find you’ll have more luck with ethnic minority women, they will generally reply to texts and chat.

White UK are busted flush dude (in general) very few exceptions. Also if your average older guy - you’ve no hope.

[Sw****]

I go to munches often and have met some great people. You just go with the intention of making friends and it all works out. This app doesn't really have munches, but if you go to he Fetlife website, you'll find many of them that you can attend. I don't ever message anyone unless I've met them, and that's been highly successful

[ro****]

Move

[Na****]

Sounds like a location issue 🤣

[Na****]

🥺

[Na****]

I meant the sad eyes… not laughing 🤦🏻‍♀️

[Pl****]

37 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

if it were true.

Someone in the 20% of men would know this because of all the matches, dates and options they had.   And while someone in the 80% might struggle - even if they only had potential matches from 20% of women that's still only really a 1 in 5 ratio so a general good approach still has strong chance of matches.

Not exactly. Try to think of it more as a continuous function. An example function might look something like y=x^5 over 0 to 1, which has a very similar ratio. Somebody in the 80th percentile is only doing about half as well as the guy in the 90th percentile, who is only doing about half as well as the guy at the top. And someone in the 70th percentile is doing half as well as the guy at 80%, guys below 50% are doing fractions of that and lower. 

I've been in the top 5%, and it was not hard to get dates. I had a near 100% reply rate, and a very solid date percentage. Real women would message me first on a regular basis. And there were people that did far better than me. Now that my lack of a smartphone is more of an impediment for photo purposes, I figure I'm a little below the 80% mark, and I get ignored a fair amount and rarely get first messages from women anymore. I can only imagine what it's like for people in the sub-50%, but I'm sure it's quite a bit worse, and very frustrating.

What the ratio doesn't tell you is that it's mostly because people try to punch far more above their weight online than in person.

[ey****]

I do think a lot of bets are off when it comes to fetish, mind

I remember a few years ago a lady on fetlife decided to set up a post celebrating 'dad bods' - she invited guys to submit their pictures and she did a little post and tribute to some of her favourites.

the absolute anger and entitlement from some of the gym guys, or people who thought they were good looking was unreal.  These are people who are used to having dates or hook up sex or whatever who got absolutely enraged with anger that they were not having the same results on fetish sites.

I've equally had many a message or comment from someone who has been "but you're fat, balding and ugly - how do you do so well with ladies?" and my thing was that I spent several months watching and learning and reading.  Reading posts from women about what they did and didn't like and also frustration from men whose approaches weren't working.

I find a lot of people like to hide behind a "there's a ratio" or "the 80/20 rule" or whatever as a way to excuse their shortfalls.  In some cases it is because their approach is all wrong. In other cases - actually, dating is hard. You can seemingly do everything right and not get results.

And even if the ratio or 80/20 rules or whatever was true, there are things anyone can do to move themselves up the ranks to increase their chances.  

And whatever may be true for online dating and it's complexities goes out the window when you couple it to going where the kinky people are.  And while there is still no certainty to get the results you want quickly, it's another means of building passive connections which leads to more things down the road. 

[Na****]

5 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I do think a lot of bets are off when it comes to fetish, mind

I remember a few years ago a lady on fetlife decided to set up a post celebrating 'dad bods' - she invited guys to submit their pictures and she did a little post and tribute to some of her favourites.

the absolute anger and entitlement from some of the gym guys, or people who thought they were good looking was unreal.  These are people who are used to having dates or hook up sex or whatever who got absolutely enraged with anger that they were not having the same results on fetish sites.

I've equally had many a message or comment from someone who has been "but you're fat, balding and ugly - how do you do so well with ladies?" and my thing was that I spent several months watching and learning and reading.  Reading posts from women about what they did and didn't like and also frustration from men whose approaches weren't working.

I find a lot of people like to hide behind a "there's a ratio" or "the 80/20 rule" or whatever as a way to excuse their shortfalls.  In some cases it is because their approach is all wrong. In other cases - actually, dating is hard. You can seemingly do everything right and not get results.

And even if the ratio or 80/20 rules or whatever was true, there are things anyone can do to move themselves up the ranks to increase their chances.  

And whatever may be true for online dating and it's complexities goes out the window when you couple it to going where the kinky people are.  And while there is still no certainty to get the results you want quickly, it's another means of building passive connections which leads to more things down the road. 

My Dom was an inch taller than I was, about 100lbs more than I, no hair, but was as sexy to me as could be. And in bed? Holy fuck 🥵 like… wow… did his research. Definitely think a lot of these gym guys are stuck on themselves and also don’t know the first thing about kink other than, “gag on my penis, lemme spank you. Oh, and call me daddy.” Just saying 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Deleted Member]

You are a human of great value. You must bring that with you to every interaction. Don't be willing to reveal everything all at once. I don't know if you have a local kink community, but that is one way for you to aquire friends and mentors. Most of all, it takes time. Better to be alone than with the wrong person. 🤗

[Ar****]

7 hours ago, Deleted profile said:

So It may not have been clear, but I lump the people who just wanna talk as the part of the waste of my time. Im very honest with myself and dont feel I contradicted myself at all, and if your comment is meant to be a form of advice you arent making yourself clear and you are coming across rude.

Well pity, you've deleted your profile already 🙄

Still, in case you are lurking under another profile - you were very clear about what the only three types of people you've met here are, and none of them were ones who waste your time. What's especially bad about this and that you don't appear to have notice is that "lumping" people who only want to talk as time-wasters smacks of entitlement culture.

Apologies for coming across as rude, I did not mean to be. If I was intending to be rude I would point out how butt-hurt you're acting.

[Deleted Member]

😔

[Deleted Member]

10 hours ago, sWitchHazel said:

However, engaging in the forum and posting ideas, opinions on the thread are good ways to attract actual people who like your style and ways. If you come at it with numbers and time in mind, you will make yourself feel bad for no reason. And, this isn't transactional. "I did x, y, and z...so where's my abc?" doesn't work. And, frankly, it can *seem* falsely entitled. And nobody is entitled to another person's attention.

This is everything! To be honest for me, I am brand new in all of this but have always had a desire for it, always looking for it into he wrong places and people, the fact that we have this forum on here and can kind of see how others react to others questions opinions can definitely get you potential (even if it's friends)

[Donnyou812]

11 hours ago, PanamaJoe said:

80-20 rule. Not sure about men, but 80% of women find only 20% of men to be attractive. This is no joke. Dating sites used surveys and discovered that about 80% of women consider 80% of the men on the dating site to be below average in attractiveness. This should be impossible since they should have only found 50% of men below average. The ONLY explanation is that women have such a high standard that most average or slightly above average men are still considered below average to them.
Why is this the case? Social pressure, propaganda from TV and movies, less intimacy in relationships, evolution, and other factors may explain some of it - but the ultimate result is that women today have higher standards for men today.
For men - they still tend to classify 50% of girls on a website as below average... but even that does not prevent them from going on dates with them. If you were to look at an SMV scale - women tend to match with people across (at their level) or higher. Men tend to match with people across and lower. It's not 100%, but it's quite a high percentage.
As for age - if the above criteria are passed, women tend to prefer men 2 to 8 years older than them, while men prefer women between 18-24 years old. So yes... 75 year old men still prefer 18-24 year olds.
Otherwise, I don't know of any other statistics for any other gender dynamics. ie male-male, female-female, etc. But just keep in mind that these are stats. They apply to a majority of cases, but it's never 100%.

The Pareto distribution named after an Italian economist,if memory serves me right is a powerful nugget of knowledge to have, it applies to everything, from the percentage of population who are talented artists writing symphonies, hardest workers in your company, the highest earners , the most successful,the scenario spoken of here all the way to strangely how the planets and stars interact, it's even mentioned a few times in the Bible and other religious texts, it is an axiom of reality I strive to be in Harmony and have no Discord with, awareness of it is beneficial.
The Pareto principle states that for many outcomes, roughly 80% of consequences come from 20% of causes. In other words, a small percentage of causes have an outsized effect. This concept is important to understand because it can help you identify which initiatives to prioritize so you can make the most impact.

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, NaughtyNikki33 said:

Sounds like a location issue 🤣

Oregon isn't better...for those looking for an exclusive LTR at least. I mean my options for kink sex would dramatically open if I dropped this requirement but eh, some things matter more than lust. 

[Bt****]

Just be yourself and f**k everyone else. Been working for me