Are they getting you down?

[Lo****]

I was a bit glum earlier this year. My first ever D/s relationship had gone tits up FF-style and I had realised the whole of the previous year had been a lie. I was angry. I was hurt. Friends were patient. 

 

Eventually, when I started pulling the threads of my life back together and untangling the mess in my head, I realised I needed to be thinking less in terms of the awful thing that had been done to me and more in terms of how the 🦆 I had allowed it to happen.  Following some of the threads I was untangling led me to this conclusion - I was responsible for the mess I was in! (In a roundabout way - I’m not taking the full whack 😊)

 

I firmly believe there is no situation in life that can’t teach you something, and coming out of the passive-aggressive, punishment-by-silence, narcissistic, orgasm desert 🌵 of that relationship has turned out to have taught me a welcome lesson:

 

I need more boundaries. 

I need to speak up when I’m not happy. 

I need to not be frightened that voicing my needs will cause upset or anger. 

 

I wish I’d learned this before I got to 56, but hey … 🤷‍♀️ … growing up with a narcissistic parent turns a small child into an eggshell-tiptoeing, people-pleasing, fearful-of-contradicting yes-child. (Luckily, I had ADHD and a temper, so I wasn’t a complete pushover 😁) What I hadn’t realised is that I was still carrying this with me. Now I do, I can work on it.

 

So, why am I blethering on about this now? 

 

Because there’s been a lot of talk about other people’s behaviour lately and how unhappy it is making people feel and I wanted to say something positive about what we can do about it, especially when it makes us feel unnoticed or unloved. 
 

We can’t. 

Nothing. 

Nada. 

Zip.

 

Other people’s behaviour is their business. There is nothing we can do to change it. The only thing we can do if we aren’t happy about it is change something about ourselves. No amount of crying or complaining is going to make us happier. We have to look inwards if we want to make a difference to how we feel.

Off you go,

🧚‍♀️ Lockfairy x

[jameswhat]

Well said. Sounds like learning from the Stoics!

[DeviantInside]

I wholeheartedly agree with this. In my work people often come to me saying that they wish their partner was more supportive, or thier boss would behave differently in some way or another etc. And I always have to say we cannot control what other people think, say or do, in particular you cannot change or help someone that doesn't want to change or be helped. The brain doesn't like things it cannot control and can build up stress and anxiety with cyclical thinking goung round and round over things you can do nothing about. We have to focus on the things that we can control... which as you say is ourselves. Sometimes it's little steps, someties it's huge leaps, but it all counts. Even the tiny steps all add up.

[DeviantInside]

11 minutes ago, jameswhat said:

Well said. Sounds like learning from the Stoics!

Indeed:

"You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength."

Marcus Aurelius

[ge****]

That's beautiful and perfectly stated - and is something I am slowly coming to learn myself, though it *is* difficult.
.
I always have been someone who puts others before myself, and quite often to my own detriment, so can relate to so much of that.

[Lo****]

20 minutes ago, jameswhat said:

Well said. Sounds like learning from the Stoics!

Thank you! 😊

 

*scoots off to look up the Stoics …

Edited July 7, 2022 by Lockfairy

[Lo****]

37 minutes ago, DeviantInside said:

I wholeheartedly agree with this. In my work people often come to me saying that they wish their partner was more supportive, or thier boss would behave differently in some way or another etc. And I always have to say we cannot control what other people think, say or do, in particular you cannot change or help someone that doesn't want to change or be helped. The brain doesn't like things it cannot control and can build up stress and anxiety with cyclical thinking goung round and round over things you can do nothing about. We have to focus on the things that we can control... which as you say is ourselves. Sometimes it's little steps, someties it's huge leaps, but it all counts. Even the tiny steps all add up.

Something else I’m learning too. At this time in my life, I no longer have time for flawed people who are yet to recognise that they can improve their lives. I’ve spent years working out my kinks (not that kind 😊). I want someone who owns that they have flaws too and works to untangle them. 

[Lo****]

40 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

That's beautiful and perfectly stated - and is something I am slowly coming to learn myself, though it *is* difficult.
.
I always have been someone who puts others before myself, and quite often to my own detriment, so can relate to so much of that.

Thank you, Gemini.

Part of the issue I think is recognising when your ‘normal’ isn’t the same as other people’s normal when it comes to behaviour that is self-defeating. In order to learn how you’re hurting yourself, you have to be able to see yourself really clearly. That’s not easy at all. 

[Deleted Member]

Love this post, brilliantly written and so true.

In life you can only control what you do and where you're going - thanks for posting it. 

[Lo****]

1 minute ago, NewToThis65 said:

Love this post, brilliantly written and so true.

In life you can only control what you do and where you're going - thanks for posting it. 

Thank you. xXx

[PJ****]

Couldn't have said it better!... I also took a long time to find my voice... but fuck me when I did I didnt suffer fools any longer 😂💪 its really nice to read things like this 😁

[Zela]

I sooooo feel you! I have been there. I also grew up with a narcissistic parent (who evidently was abuse in every way) and I also recently went through the same thought process. Good for you and I hope you find someone that values you for all your inner and outer beauty.

[CopperKnob]

I started a saying at work, a mantra if you will which I'm trying to keep to out of work which is..."I can't control what I can't control" and it's well...bloody hard work to keep to it...but the upshot is, if I don't it just makes me frustrated with everything and pretty miserable which achieves absolutely nothing. Literally nothing. It's a hard lesson to learn particularly in a 'change management' role but it's vital to our own well-being.

[Lo****]

3 hours ago, Zela said:

I sooooo feel you! I have been there. I also grew up with a narcissistic parent (who evidently was abuse in every way) and I also recently went through the same thought process. Good for you and I hope you find someone that values you for all your inner and outer beauty.

Thank you, Zela.

I hope you’ve found a healthier way forward and some peace too. x

[Lo****]

2 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

I started a saying at work, a mantra if you will which I'm trying to keep to out of work which is..."I can't control what I can't control" and it's well...bloody hard work to keep to it...but the upshot is, if I don't it just makes me frustrated with everything and pretty miserable which achieves absolutely nothing. Literally nothing. It's a hard lesson to learn particularly in a 'change management' role but it's vital to our own well-being.

I’m going to borrow this if I may. I’ve just started work at the gnarlier end of the support work field. Accepting what I can’t control is going to be important here. 

[CopperKnob]

2 hours ago, Lockfairy said:

I’m going to borrow this if I may. I’ve just started work at the gnarlier end of the support work field. Accepting what I can’t control is going to be important here. 

Of course, apparently it goes down a lot better than "not my circus, not my monkey" 🤣

[Puppy6411]

To quote Terry Pratchett "You can't go around building a better world for people. Only people can build a better world for people. Otherwise it's just a cage."