Doming 101 — New Dom Seeks Advice

[So****]

Hello all you beautiful people!
I am fairly new to the scene, and even newer to Fet. I’ve browsed a myriad of bdsm and d/s websites, forums and a couple chat spaces like Reddit. Most of which pointed me here! But all in an effort to educate myself in what it meant to take up the role of Dom within a dynamic. So calling all experienced Doms. What advice do you wish you had starting out. What are some tricks of the trade. What does being a good Dom mean to you? Additionally, any resource material you recommend. Tidbits, suggestions & opinions welcomed.
And to you Subs out there, What does Doming mean to you? What in your case; qualifies as a proficient Dom? What’re some things Doms should learn or hone?
Of course I have more questions, but I hope we have discussions in the comments.
Thankyou everyone!

[ro****]

I wish I knew that first meeting should be vanilla and public. So you can walk away if something is wrong or off.
And listen to your sub. They will let you know what they want and need.

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, round-lake738 said:

I wish I knew that first meeting should be vanilla and public. So you can walk away if something is wrong or off.
And listen to your sub. They will let you know what they want and need.

This!

[CopperKnob]

You know, a good Dom is essentially a good person. There aren't really any specific pointers to give other than that because D/s is specific to the individuals involved on any given dynamic. D/s (for me) starts with a vanilla connection and progresses to D/s. Submission isn't to be demanded, it's a verdict based upon actions. Respect the stype and their submission will evolve as the relationship does.
Re resources, I'd suggest you read the forums here, specifically looking at the posts by SirArchA and comments by Eyemblacksheep, Gemini_man and Thebian who consistently share good, honest and trustworthy viewpoints re the various aspects of D/s

[Se****]

Welcome to your exciting journey. Part of me wishes I was starting out again. My advice would be to learn as much as you can - and you have made a great start seeking advice. Once you have learnt the basics around D/s, you can adapt it to suit your own desires and those of your subs. Really important to learn the dos and donts. This is a great app too - have met lots of lovely subs here both for play sessions and longer term relationships. Also, learn how NOT to be a ‘fake Dom’.

Highly recommend “Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism”. A great read.

Feel free to reach out if I can be of any assistance.

God luck and enjoy 👍

[uk****]

Treat a sub with respect and honour the boundaries and safe word. Don’t push something you want to do with them, what you do is up to them and remember that a sub giving themselves and trusting you is a gift and not to being taken lightly

[Ch****]

The 2 most important things in kink is safety an communication  between  partners.

 

Do not jump straight into playing.

 

You need to sit down with your play partner an discuss the rules that your play time must follow . 

 

Don't always expect each play time to be like the last. No 2 play times are the same.

 

Make sure you stay safe an slways have a safe word 

[Ly****]

I would meet in a public place where you both lean both your hard limits and other information if you both want to go more into a kink than find a club

[Deleted Member]

You may be a dom but you’re not her dom until she agrees. Don’t come on too strong. You don’t need to insist on being called master on the first message. That’ll just scare her off.
Ask a lot of questions and find out exactly what your potential sub is needing. Don’t go chasing a woman who wants serious *** or other wild kinks if you want to be daddy. In other words, make certain your kinks are compatible.

[Se****]

Learn the basics and then see what fits with your desires and those of your subs.

[TxFrank]

Get involved in the lifestyle community. Munches, demos, classes and parties are great ways to learn. And before you play, practice. You can't just pick up a whip, a cane or rope and start playing without practicing. It will not go well. I practiced 20 minutes 4 days a week for 4 months before I was comfortable using a bullwhip in a scene.
Keep reading and asking questions. But avoid places like Reddit that have as many lies as truths. And learn to read your sub's body language during play. This is key to successful play.

[Se****]

This is a great app for meeting subs. Have met some lovely subs for both play sessions and longer relationships.

[Ly****]

Yes start slowly with your sub. Go on a coffee date and set up some rules

[Se****]

Lots to learn but sounds like you are on the right track. Avoid becoming a fake Dom. And feel free to reach out if i can be of any help.

[an****]

I wish I knew which subs not to take on and when to cut one loose.

[Da****]

It's about making a connection...consent is everything... the sub GIVES you power, you DO NOT take power... USE SAFE WORDS and honor them... not all dynamics are the same and it's ok that they are different...

[Saucepot]

Learn after care !
Realise that even if you’re not in an actual relationship with the submissive, that they’re giving you a huge piece of themselves and that needs attention too .
I expect my Doms to take care of my mental health too by encouraging me to be open with them and in turn being open and honest with me .

[ChristySub]

As a sub a good dom should show compassion as well as control. Aftercare is just as important as play and talking constantly about wants and desires for both the dom and the sub

[Deleted Member]

Being sub is no weakness. Any submissive needs to get just as much from the dynamic as any dom. Trust and respect are key

[Ge****]

Don’t touch what isn’t yours
Safewords are what give consent structure, whether verbal or nonverbal
Consent matters. Learn the difference between SSC, and RACK
Don’t try to become a master of “all the things”. Go to munches and talk to others. Go to events and public play spaces and watch others sop in different kinds of scenes. And find what calls to you. It may be just a single thing like floggers or needles. It may be single tail or fire. Doesn’t matter… but find what speaks DEEPLY to you, and then become the best you can at that. People respect expertise. So become that expert. And know YOUR limits. We hear a lot about submissives’ limits. But Doms have them also. I’ve called a scene because I wasn’t in the right headspace. When you do what we do and are in a position to cause lasting harm, if you are unfocused, distracted, angry, whatever, your bottom’s safety matters more than their desire to play. Learn your limits. And learn what drives you as a Dominant. Just because that guy keeps his submissive on a leash doesn’t mean you should. If you love TPE, find a sub that matches that. If you love being served, be sure you match that desire with the right submissive. If micromanaging a slave’s every activity and choice drives you up a wall, find one who will serve and obey general guidelines.

[ey****]

For source material - it does feel like they've been a lot of "advice for new Dominants" esque threads on here recently; find and read them

equally; other threads are all learning - plenty where subs talk about what they do, and don't, like.

otherwise a lot is how much is a piece of string

for example it's no sense me suggesting going to a work shop on caning, impact play, *** play, etc. if these are not things that will interest you.

remember that everyone's dynamic is different; talk to people, find out about their dynamics.  Not just online but in local communities.

[Ge****]

Oh…. And as you learn any new toy or technique… it’s somewhere between a good idea and imperative depending on who you talk to to know what your bottom will experience. Whenever I see a new toy, I’ll ask to have someone use it on me or hit me with it. That way I know what they are going to experience. I’ve even done it for pick up play when a bottom had a few toys I’ve seen but never used. Want to learn fire cupping? Have someone do it to you. That sort of thing. The “Old Guard” thoughts that you should be a slave before you ever become a Master may be extreme, but the reasoning is just as sound today as it was then. You cut down on a lot of unplanned risky harm when you know that a light flick with a rubber dragon tail hurts like F**K before you throw it at someone’s a** as hard as you would a leather one, as a simple example.

[Ge****]

Saw a comment about aftercare. Great topic all its own! That should always be part of negotiations and if it’s pick up play, find a safe way to reach out for a few days after to make sure they don’t feel alone/abandoned if they hit a delayed Drop. Drop is a real thing and it sucks.

And aftercare is as important for Tops as for bottoms. Learn what you need to feel good about yourself afterwards and don’t be afraid to ask for it. For me, I always ask for at least a hug, even if my bottom gets aftercare elsewhere by their choice. I need that brief touch and reassurance that I gave them a good experience. And if you happen to ask for feedback, take “what they didn’t like” as seriously as the compliments. Learn from them that way rather than being defensive. Had someone once tell me that growling didn’t work for them which lead to a great dialogue. Turned out that they KNEW I was trying to feed them what they wanted, so her inner primal simply didn’t get that jolt of *** from the growl. The bear claws I dug into her ass though sent her pulse through the roof and had her whimpering. She LOVED that. I didn’t do anything bad there, but I DID learn something from not being defensive and asking follow up questions.

[Deleted Member]

As a sub I really appreciate reading all the comments from understanding doms. It’s nice to know there’s so many of you out there.

[Deleted Member]

There’s some great advice within the replies already which should give you some good pointers. One thing I would add is that every sub and every Dom are different.

So in reading the advice bear in mind what you want out of being a Dom, the elements you’ve had fantasies about and how the different traits fit in with your character – you can’t suddenly become someone you aren’t, so bear in mind the type of person you are and how you want to dominate.

Similarly all subs are different, and even labels can have completely different meanings when you speak to someone. Impact play as an example can mean anything from light spanking to severe caning/flogging. So as has been said already, communicate with your sub and really get to know them and what they want.

Good luck.