Fa**** Posted September 2, 2022 Posted September 2, 2022 Apologies not exactly BDSM related. So, as you guys appear to be my go to people for no nonsense answers and “life questions” I have something I’d like to discuss. Many of you know about my home life, some don’t but for the purpose of this writing it doesn’t really matter I suppose. So, question time. Completely outwith of a D/s or M/s dynamic (ie a totally vanilla relationship) how normal is it for a partner to *question* whether or not someone has masturbated? And do they have any right to know this information? I had a couple of nights home alone and after a shocking couple of days I “played” to release some tension - I was questioned (more than once) about whether I had done this. It was also mentioned that my toy drawer was in a different order to previous. There are some times I don’t mind disclosing this information HOWEVER I don’t like to be questioned about it or made to feel that somebody has a RIGHT to know about me and my body. That said, I did lie about the fact that I masturbated - which I shouldn’t have done but also shouldn’t feel I have to. However, I have subsequently “come clean”, now though I feel dirty and ashamed. I am not asking for people to condone my lying or actions. I’m simply looking for opinions re whether another person has a right to know what one does with their own body?
Deleted Member Posted September 2, 2022 Posted September 2, 2022 Masturbation is a private thing. Partner(s) don’t need a play by play or need to know every time you please yourself.
Deleted Member Posted September 2, 2022 Posted September 2, 2022 Um no they do not have a right to know that’s your personal business and that’s not a healthy dynamic. And don’t feel dirty or ashamed about it.
ga**** Posted September 2, 2022 Posted September 2, 2022 It's nobodies business but your own, if you don't want to answer they have no right to pressure you into telling them
ge**** Posted September 2, 2022 Posted September 2, 2022 No-one has a right to know anything more than you are willing to tell them about something like that - it's personal, it has no bearing on your relationship with that person, and I'd argue the fact they'd been checking up on you to know your toys were differently ordered was an infringement of your privacy. . Now that said it to an extent depends on your relationship to and with that person (I can guess and read between the lines but shan't assume) but even then I'd suggest it's not right to question - it's either very needy, or very domineering, neither of which are desirable. . It may also depend on how it was asked, but the fact you're even asking the question here suggests it wasn't a jokey throw away thing.
Xi**** Posted September 2, 2022 Posted September 2, 2022 No, they do not have a right. Best solution to this is to have an open dialog about your boundaries. That it isn’t appropriate to badger someone about their habits. This discussion can lay the ground work for future questions. In the future you could simply tell them that being asked that makes you feel uncomfortable and crosses your boundaries.
vicvega Posted September 2, 2022 Posted September 2, 2022 Well I guess it would depend if the Dom and sub had an orgasm denial / chastity type of thing going on, and the questions were framed in this context.
ge**** Posted September 2, 2022 Posted September 2, 2022 9 minutes ago, vicvega said: Well I guess it would depend if the Dom and sub had an orgasm denial / chastity type of thing going on, and the questions were framed in this context. If you read the OP's post she makes it clear this was nothing to do with D/s or anything site specific 👍🏻
vicvega Posted September 2, 2022 Posted September 2, 2022 15 minutes ago, gemini_man said: If you read the OP's post she makes it clear this was nothing to do with D/s or anything site specific 👍🏻 Yeah, I misread it. Totally agree.
Severinuk Posted September 2, 2022 Posted September 2, 2022 I must admit I find it a very weird situation - I've had a few very long term relationships and have never been asked if I'd had a wank that day - it has never entered my head to ask her the same question - it is a private thing and up to you if you want to mention it or not - I might be in a minority but it has never been a subject that has ever been brought up in my relationships
CopperKnob Posted September 2, 2022 Posted September 2, 2022 I suppose it's about the type of relationship you share with said person and what's been discussed previously, the boundaries, the level of trust etc and whilst I acknowledge that this isn't a D/s relationship, for me that's no different in vanilla/kink What I do find odd is that this person appears to have memorised the contents and position of the items on your toy drawer which is a little odd. Do they really have that good a memory or was that intentional? My other thought is that having asked the question, and I assume you declined to answer, they continued to push/ask. Exactly how important is it to them? Most people will masturbate What is their motivation for 'needing' to know? Is there a possibility that they are kink aware/kinky? I'm all for autonomy over my body (D/s notwithstanding) so what I do with my own body is my business unless I decide that it's not. So to be asked out of the blue, I wouldn't be answering if I didn't feel comfortable to do so. My last point is for you to think about how they've made you feel, why and what conversation/s, if any, need to take place with them I don't think that any one has the right to know what someone does with their body (other than those that are subject to things like mandatory drug testing re License/employment or when someones ability to parent is in question but that's very very different).
Wy**** Posted September 2, 2022 Posted September 2, 2022 I think that unless it has been discussed beforehand, people have the maximal right to privacy. So it depends on what your boundaries were with your vanilla partner. Expectations in vanilla relationships are unique to the couple. Ultimately it comes down to a discussion about appropriate boundaries with your vanilla partner. If you are uncomfortable with your partner monitoring your masturbations then you should talk about it.
Ar**** Posted September 2, 2022 Posted September 2, 2022 (edited) It never happened throughout most of my life, but there have been partners who have asked since I started coming out of my shell a few years ago. It's contextual though; sometimes it might be because we haven't been able to see each other for a while and they want to know I'm having fun (and vice versa), and - depending on the dynamic - sometimes they themselves might have been getting off knowing that I've been playing over pics/vids they've sent to entertain me. It's generally a personal thing I wouldn't discuss with just anybody, however I have friends I can be open with about it (and vice versa too). I think in some circumstances and with the right people it's not just healthy, but positive to have that level of comfort. In any type of relationship though it isn't something I need to know. I assume it goes on, and (unless discussed and agreed otherwise as part of a D/s thing) don't care how much or how little. I think it's odd and a little creepy to want to know that. The only thing I would respectfully ask of a partner is that it remains a supplement to our own intimacy i.e. that if ever personal playtime had a knock-on effect on our shared sex life it was addressed (as I would of course do the same). I think what I'm saying is, healthy/positive/open communication about the subject and which enhances a relationship is a good thing, for those that it works for. Whereas being "questioned" about it in a way that makes you feel pulled up for doing something wrong, that's a bad thing, the same as if the subject were anything else you had done. And - sorry not sorry - who gives a fuck what order your toys are in?!! Your drawer, your toys, nobody else's business. Edited September 2, 2022 by Aranhis
Go**** Posted September 3, 2022 Posted September 3, 2022 Having experienced this myself with my ex, I can now say that, in my opinion, a person has no right to know such information, unless otherwise agreed. Personally I see it, without such an agreement, as an invasion of privacy. I do wonder what the reasoning was behind the question; what were they going to do once they knew the answer? In the case of my ex, it was for control. That's not to say that is the situation here, however it certainly made me feel uncomfortable and 'interrogated'. I would suggest that you examine the feelings being questioned gave you. Given that you are asking here, I suspect you already have an idea of the answer to your question, even if it is perhaps only subconsciously - that if you felt uncomfortable, then it isn't right.
Fa**** Posted September 3, 2022 Author Posted September 3, 2022 4 hours ago, CopperKnob said: I suppose it's about the type of relationship you share with said person and what's been discussed previously, the boundaries, the level of trust etc and whilst I acknowledge that this isn't a D/s relationship, for me that's no different in vanilla/kink What I do find odd is that this person appears to have memorised the contents and position of the items on your toy drawer which is a little odd. Do they really have that good a memory or was that intentional? My other thought is that having asked the question, and I assume you declined to answer, they continued to push/ask. Exactly how important is it to them? Most people will masturbate What is their motivation for 'needing' to know? Is there a possibility that they are kink aware/kinky? I'm all for autonomy over my body (D/s notwithstanding) so what I do with my own body is my business unless I decide that it's not. So to be asked out of the blue, I wouldn't be answering if I didn't feel comfortable to do so. My last point is for you to think about how they've made you feel, why and what conversation/s, if any, need to take place with them I don't think that any one has the right to know what someone does with their body (other than those that are subject to things like mandatory drug testing re License/employment or when someones ability to parent is in question but that's very very different). So, for a touch more context, this is my husband of 17 years. He was away for a couple nights with the kids. He came home and commented I looked very “fresh” (ie well) and did I “play with myself” last night? I was away the next 2 nights and received a text message to ask why things were in my drawer in a different order (apparently he was returning something he’d taken out some time ago), was I sure I hadn’t masturbated and he “understands” that whilst I may not want sex I may still have “urges”. Sorry for TMI X
Th**** Posted September 3, 2022 Posted September 3, 2022 I think I have mixed views on this one. In a D/s dynamic were orgasm control or an element of it is a preagreed way to play. I can certainly see why a Dom might ask if you had masterbated. As the person who is trying to control the orgasm how horny you are before the start of play makes a difference to how long your Dom can push it before you think f**k this and kick him off the bed😊 However in any relationship it is a question that should be asked once and whatever answer is should be taken as the truth or the real issue is not privacy but trust and honesty. Finally in a vanilla relationship I am not that qualified to answer but I certainly would not expect it unless it was previously discussed and agreed.
Deleted Member Posted September 3, 2022 Posted September 3, 2022 I think its already been said but CONTROL! If I masterbated my ex would behave as if I'd cheated on her. Such bizarre behaviour when I think about it especially since sex was sparse as well. Definitely a control thing!
ge**** Posted September 3, 2022 Posted September 3, 2022 1 hour ago, Freetobare said: So, for a touch more context, this is my husband of 17 years. He was away for a couple nights with the kids. He came home and commented I looked very “fresh” (ie well) and did I “play with myself” last night? I was away the next 2 nights and received a text message to ask why things were in my drawer in a different order (apparently he was returning something he’d taken out some time ago), was I sure I hadn’t masturbated and he “understands” that whilst I may not want sex I may still have “urges”. Sorry for TMI X Sorry but even with the context it still sounds pretty controlling to me - though may to an extent depend on the relationship you have with your husband and the "way" the question was asked. . The whole thing over knowing toys were in a different order suggests (as CK indicated) that he knew the order in the first place, which is kind of creepy on the one hand, and controlling or needy/insecure on the other. . Whatever the context though, if it's made you feel uncomfortable and have the need to question it here can only lead me to suggest a conversation needs to be had to let him know how it's made you feel.
CopperKnob Posted September 3, 2022 Posted September 3, 2022 1 hour ago, Freetobare said: So, for a touch more context, this is my husband of 17 years. He was away for a couple nights with the kids. He came home and commented I looked very “fresh” (ie well) and did I “play with myself” last night? I was away the next 2 nights and received a text message to ask why things were in my drawer in a different order (apparently he was returning something he’d taken out some time ago), was I sure I hadn’t masturbated and he “understands” that whilst I may not want sex I may still have “urges”. Sorry for TMI X I think that I'd answered thinking that this was a relationship in it's early stages. I think that the fact it's a marriage of 17yrs (after which i'd assume that there is a particular level of intimacy particularly after kids), the context is quite different. With that said, it's caused you to feel a certain way. I'd probably want to discuss that as well as why he felt the need to ask. Is there possibly some insecurity on his part?
Fa**** Posted September 3, 2022 Author Posted September 3, 2022 I have no idea anymore what goes on. conversation/communication is generally not possible though or explaining how I feel - the joy of arguments. The crux of the problem is likely to do with lack of sex but that is definitely TMI. HOWEVER, it is the thing that will fix any grumpiness/fights. Thank you all for your advice and fresh eyes xx
Ri**** Posted September 3, 2022 Posted September 3, 2022 Nobody has any right when it comes to you, except for you. However, it also shouldn't be an issue at all if someone has masterbaited. If you want to masterbait then there shouldn't be any shame. I'd be ashamed if I was jealous of a battery powered toy!
se**** Posted September 3, 2022 Posted September 3, 2022 Most times a person asking this is suspicious of cheating (sex), there maybe another person, control issues or intentions of putting negative effect, because they want to. I agree with others, you need to ask.
Deleted Member Posted September 4, 2022 Posted September 4, 2022 If it’s part of the normal dynamic I wouldn’t be concerned , but if it’s out of suspicion or jealousy I think that could be a problem.
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