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Why I Dominate.


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Hi there, new to the site, so thought I'd write a bit about my own journey.

I'm in my mid forties, based in the UK West Midlands. I've known that I was kinky ever since I was in my mid-teens and came into contact with some porn mags. From that point on, the thought of women being submissive has been a major turn on, but one that I kept pretty much to myself for many years.

At the same time, my early encounters with the opposite sex were not particularly successful. Due to my lack of confidence I would often self-sabotage and I had a pretty warped idea of what was needed to be attractive to women. This was probably because I went to a single sex boarding school. Over time it became a self-perpetuating cycle. I'd believe that I wasn't good enough to be with a woman, because of that belief I'd fuck things up, and then that would strengthen the belief.

One side effect of that early lack of confidence, was that when I was with a woman, I believed that I had to be "good in bed" in order to keep her with me. As such I worked hard to learn how to turn women on in a purely vanilla way. Many of my ex-girlfriends mentioned how good I was with my hands. However once the thrill of being with someone new had passed, I'd get bored, because it was quite hard work, and not very rewarding for me.

As time went by I found myself with girlfriends, and some of them would play along, letting me spank them on special occasions. Again, I quite enjoyed it, but it didn't really work out for me, because they were only pretending, and it all felt a bit false.

Then three things happened at about the same time:

Firstly I met a woman who I had a brief relationship with from an age-play site. She was nice, but had her own issues which were a bit off-putting. However it showed me that there were women out there who wanted and enjoyed a sexual relationship that was compatible with own desires.

Second was that I had a course of counselling/life coaching to improve the quality of my relationships. Long story short was that it encouraged me to get out of my comfort zone and start making changes. This kicked off a process that continues to this day.

Third was that the "Fifty Shades" trilogy became popular. Yes they may be a load of old cheese, but at the time they brought BDSM into the mainstream, and opened up conversation. It also made it abundantly clear that there were a lot of women with at least a passing interest in the lifestyle.

The combination of these three factors lead to me having my first full on BDSM relationship with a submissive partner. We were both relatively inexperienced, but wow, what an eye-opener that was. Forget the occasional multiple orgasms women had had with me in the past. She'd spend hours cumming repeatedly. On one memorable occasion, I remember telling her to get up halfway through a session and her not being able to stand because she was having so many orgasms and aftershocks. (Note to self - aftercare is *very* important!).

Since then I've had a few more DS relationships. I've found it best to be discretely up-front about it. Not too graphic, unless someone's asking questions (and if they're asking questions, it usually means that they're interested ;) ), but I don't shy away from the fact that I'm kinky. As I learn more about myself, these days, I'd even say to someone that if they're not kinky then they're probably not the right person for me. The more open about it that I've been, the more rewarding it's been. It's amazing how fast news spreads amongst groups of women, and then what opportunities can arise. ;) 

It's not about hurting women. Well it is, but it's not just about hurting women. Being Dominant gives me the opportunity to do what I love. It lets me play and experiment with a willing and enthusiastic partner. It lets me find new and interesting ways to give pleasure and receive it back in return. It lets me explore the darker sides of my own sexuality in a safe environment. It adds a whole extra dimension to my relationships, and it makes sex into a delicious and ongoing game. It lets me give pleasure in amounts that I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams as a younger man.

I just love the feeling that I get when I've got a woman in front of me who is completely in the moment, has lost all control, and can barely move because she's so overwhelmed.

And that is why I like to Dominate.


Why do you love to dominate, or on the other hand, be dominated?

  • 9 months later...

Hi, am kind of surprised no-one's answered this one.  It sounds as if you've got it all in perspective and are attracting  appropriate partners. You're also of an age where you know exactly what you want without dashing into mad or dangerous experiments (like one teenager I had a back and forth with on this site - he seems to have gone now...thankfully). Why do I like to be dominated?  Exactly as you say - it's about being in the moment, I cannot do anything to alter that moment (and I wouldn't want to ;) ) I have no control and being a hand cuffed slut for my Lord causes abso-bloody-lutely overwhelming multiple orgasms and what he orders me to do is always hugely erotic.  We live in a  world that is full-on, 24/7, no-one's got 'time', we allow ourselves to be at the mercy of mobile phones and everything else that goes 'beep' - and this is supposed to be the world where everything's 'easier' and quicker' - actually we find it bloody slower and harder.  So a fabulous, creative, inventive sex life which isn't wham-bam-thank-you- ma'am and which 'gives permission' to release all the day-to-day frustrations and tensions of modern life without going on a three state killing spree can only be therapeutic. If I were to sum it up - in bondage, there is complete freedom.  By the way, you write very well. 


My pleasure.  It's good to hear from the Dom's perspective, too.


I think you BOTH write exceptionally well. Reading this thread just now, one which had sadly “fallen through the net” for some time and has obviously just been rediscovered by Vandalslut (whom we thank for bringing it to our attention), has been fascinating and hugely rewarding. Thanks to you both!


Thanks, Fredddy.  Love the three D's - any meaning?


We’ll I’d like to say that:

I’m Delightfully Daringly Different,
I’m Desperately Desiring Domination, and
I’m Debating Dual Disciplines.

(There will doubtless be many more...)

However, the truth is that when I joined fetish.com, I tried “Freddy” as a user name but it was taken. So I’m now “Fredddy”. Ho hum...



I like the first 2 best ;) And there's nothing ho-hum about being a triple D Fredddy!

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